redred's bad jokes

[Goofy]

Someone stole my mood ring, I don't know how I feel about that..............

[Hal-9000]

:lol:

[The Monk]

John is being shown around the office by his new boss.

They enter the IT department and John sees a man using two keyboards at once. "That's incredible", says John. "Trust a geek to use two keyboards at once".

"Hey!" replied his boss. "That's stereotyping."

[The Monk]

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

"Yeah that's the one"

[The Monk]

This nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. When she looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So she thought to herself I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me. So she went over to the machine and she put her nickel in and card came out and it said, You're a nun you weigh 128lbs and your going to Chicago Illinois. So she sat back down and thought about it, she thought to herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, I'm going try it again.

So she went over to the machine again and put her nickel in it, a card came out and said, You're nun, you weigh 128lbs., You're going to Chicago Ill. and You're going to play a fiddle. She said to herself I know that's wrong I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life. She sat back down and this Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down she picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. She looked back at the machine and said this is incredible I've got to try it again.

So she went back to the machine put her nickel in another card came out and it said, You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you're going to Chicago Ill. and you're going to break wind. She thinks I know it's wrong now I've never broke wind in public a day in my life, well she tripped and fell off the scales and FARTED like a bay mule. So she sat back down and looked at the machine once again. She said to herself this is truly unbelievable, I've got to try it again.

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and a card came out and said, you're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you're going to Chicago Ill. and you're going to have sex. She said ah-hah that does it I know for sure its wrong now, I'm a nun, ain't ever had none, and ain't ever gonna get none. Well a huge electrical storm came through and the electricity went off and she got raped... She sat back down and thought about it for few minutes and then said this is truly, truly, incredible. But one thing is for certain, I've got to try it again just to see what is gonna happen to me before I leave this airport.

She went over to the machine put her nickel in and a card came out and it said. You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you have fiddled, farted, fucked around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!!!!!!

[amex]

If it helps I'm offended that you assumed I gave a fuck where you put them.

hahahahha ...^^^this one-liner is better then all jokes on this thread all together :clap::clap:

[The Monk]

Paddy goes into IKEA and says to the assistant "I want some of the suppository furniture". The assistant says "I've never heard of suppository furniture". Paddy says "It's the stuff you put up yourself".

[RBP]

I recently joined a nudist colony.

The first week was the hardest.

[DemonGeminiX]

:rimshot:

[Goofy]

Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common..........

[Goofy]

Met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date, but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

[Goofy]

I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in the window that said Television For Sale - £1 - Volume Stuck On Full. I thought: 'I can't turn that down'

[The Monk]

Yesterday I was at my local Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think, I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

[The Monk]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans... walk into a fine restaurant. "I'm sorry" says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group. "But you can't come in here without a Thai".

[The Monk]

After a lifetime wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, the man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted. "Yes, you were, son" his mother said as she started to cry softly. "But it didn't work out and they brought you back".

[The Monk]

A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight. They start eying each other, and both realise they want to do the same thing. He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted. Rear toilet? He suggests. Five minutes, she agrees and goes off. He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her. Right, get that condom on, she says. Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure. But a sharp eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realised what they are up to. So she humiliates them by making an announcement over the PA system. "To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector".

[The Monk]

I wanted to improve me and the wife's sex life, so I told her to sit down and I put a classic porn film on for inspiration. My favourite scene came on where the girl pulled the pizza boy into the house and deep throats him before riding him 'reverse cowgirl' in the hallway. "That looks good". She purred. "I certainly wouldn't mind some of that". "Really?" I asked, excitedly. "Oh yes". She said. "With extra mushrooms though!!"

[Goofy]

I got a Womble pepper grinder for Christmas.
It's rubbish.
Everything is either underground or overground.

[Goofy]

I had just hung up my phone on the bus this morning when I got a tap on the shoulder, "Excuse me," said a teenage girl dressed in her school uniform, "I wonder if you could settle an argument for us? Me and my friend just overheard your phone ringing just then and I'm pretty sure it was Beyoncé, but my friend is adamant it was Rihanna..."

I said, "You're both wrong, it was my mum."

[PorkChopSandwiches]

A Frenchman takes his American girlfriend on a picnic..

Before they start, the girl says, "Jacques, give me a kiss!"

So he grabs the bottle of Merlot, pours some into her mouth, and exclaims, "When the French take red meat, we take it with red wine!" before giving her a long, deep kiss.

They continue kissing, and get more and more passionate. After a while, the girl breaks away and says, "Jacques! Kiss me... lower."

And so he kisses her down her neck and towards her bosom. As he reaches her breasts, he grabs the bottle of Chardonnay, pours it onto her breasts and exclaims, "When the French take white meat, we take it with white wine!" before licking and sucking on her breasts eagerly.

After a while, the girl can no longer take it, and whispers into his ear, "Jacques, I want you to go... lower."

And so he gradually lowers himself and pulls down her panties. As he nears her pussy, he grabs the bottle of whiskey, pours it over her pussy, and then grabs his lighter and sets her bush on fire, before exclaiming, "When the French go down, we go down in flames!".

[amex]

A Frenchman takes his American girlfriend on a picnic..

Before they start, the girl says, "Jacques, give me a kiss!"

So he grabs the bottle of Merlot, pours some into her mouth, and exclaims, "When the French take red meat, we take it with red wine!" before giving her a long, deep kiss.

They continue kissing, and get more and more passionate. After a while, the girl breaks away and says, "Jacques! Kiss me... lower."

And so he kisses her down her neck and towards her bosom. As he reaches her breasts, he grabs the bottle of Chardonnay, pours it onto her breasts and exclaims, "When the French take white meat, we take it with white wine!" before licking and sucking on her breasts eagerly.

After a while, the girl can no longer take it, and whispers into his ear, "Jacques, I want you to go... lower."

And so he gradually lowers himself and pulls down her panties. As he nears her pussy, he grabs the bottle of whiskey, pours it over her pussy, and then grabs his lighter and sets her bush on fire, before exclaiming, "When the French go down, we go down in flames!".

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

[redred]

I was reading a book called the history of glue . I couldn't put it down !

[Goofy]

I was reading a book called the history of glue . I couldn't put it down !

:slap:

Reminds me of an old Tommy Cooper joke: I took my dog to the vet to see if they could do anything for his cross eyes, the vet said he'd have to put him down, "why" i said, "because he's cross eyed?", "no, because he's really heavy!"




















8-[

[amex]

^^ both are shit .....:nana:

:coat:

[Hikari Kisugi]

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian, every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian ....."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died....... I'm married to his effing widow."

[Griffin]

oh yeah...I've heard of Brian myself. :meh:

[PorkChopSandwiches]

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new
electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying,

"All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now...cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train...cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say... "All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen...."

[amex]

A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new
electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying,

"All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now...cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train...cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...but I want you to use nice language."

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say... "All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."

She heard her little darling continue..."For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen...."

:rofl: :rofl:

[Hal-9000]

Little Jimmy was outside the bedroom door of his single Mom and peeked in. She was laying on the bed moaning, rubbing her genitals while exclaiming - I need a man, oh God I need a man.

The next evening a man showed up and took Jimmy's Mom out on a date.

When Jimmy's Mom got home she looked in on her son while he was sleeping and was horrified to catch him laying there naked, rubbing his penis and saying - I need a new red bike, I need a new red bike

[PorkChopSandwiches]

So the other day I went to the supermarket, and I was there for literally 5 minutes.

When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

So I went up to him and said, "Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?"

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil-necked Nazi lover. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for worn tires!

So I then asked him if his psychiatrist makes him lie face down on the couch cause he's so ugly.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!

This went on for about 20 minutes... the more I insulted him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't care. My car was parked around the corner.

[PorkChopSandwiches]

Two hillbillies walked into a restaurant...

While having a bite to eat, they talked about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table who is eating a sandwich, began to cough. After a minute or so, it became apparent that she was in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looked at her and said, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shook her head no.

Then he asked, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman began to turn blue and shook her head no.

The hillbilly walked over to the woman, lifted up her dress, yanked down her drawers, and quickly gave her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.

The woman was so shocked that she had a violent spasm, and the obstruction flew out of her mouth. As she began to breathe again, the Hillbilly walked slowly back to his table.

His buddy said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"

[Hal-9000]

:lol: ffs

[Griffin]

http://www.quickmeme.com/img/ee/eeda6d5cc1d98236a5d2d0d3e9c6085ba2b024269b309adcba a4f13a745a6f93.jpg

[morph000]

Q. What's the difference between a vitamin and a hormone?
A. You can't hear a vitamin...

What did the leper say to the prostitute after the blowjob? Keep the tip!

What's a Jew's biggest dilemma? Free ham.

What do Jewish pedophiles say? "Hey kid, want to buy some candy?"

What's the worst thing about getting your keys locked in your car outside an abortion clinic? Having to go in to ask for a coat hanger.

[Pony]

Wife dreamed that she was attending a dick auction...

Wife: "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband: "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife: "They gave those away."

Husband: "I had a dream too...I dreamed they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife: "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Husband: "That's where they held the auction."

[PorkChopSandwiches]

Why does Dr. Pepper come in bottles?

Because he's a fucking creep

[RBP]

What's the most unexpected place for a girl to have a piercing?

Her cock

[The Monk]

I was reading a book called the history of glue . I couldn't put it down !


I read that too but found it boring but I stuck to it!~

[The Monk]

Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to the Antiques Roadshow. "Ooh" said the presenter. "This is a very rare set produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers, taxidermists, who operated in London at the turn of the last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in really good condition?" "Sticks" said Paddy.

[PorkChopSandwiches]

My gay friend told me his old boyfriend never played with his balls, but his new one just can't stop playing with them

I told him "I suppose one man's junk is another mans treasure"

[Fodster]

Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production
of humus and taramasalata. It's a double dip recession.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sixty Pakistanis died in Sydney this morning.
It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed..
The police are blaming AL IKEA .
----------------------------------------
Police stop a Pakistani in his transit van on the motorway. Policeman
says "Do you know the limit is 100?"
The driver leans into the back and says: "Hear that, three of you
have got to get out!"
----------------------------------------
Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them..
"Bollocks to that" said Paddy "That's the last time I go lion dancing"
----------------------------------------
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year".
Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."
----------------------------------------
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to
hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
----------------------------------------
Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look longingly through the
window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
----------------------------------------
I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be
honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
----------------------------------------
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate. When I said
white, they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30
minutes. I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
----------------------------------------
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after
they tested positive for WD40.
----------------------------------------
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.
----------------------------------------
Just a reminder to those who stole electrical goods in last year's
riots: your one year manufacturer's warranty runs out soon.
----------------------------------------
Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both are in hospital. One's in a korma, the other's got a dodgy tikka!
----------------------------------------
In the first few days of the last Olympics, Romanians took gold,
silver, bronze, copper & lead.
----------------------------------------
The sailing results are in: USA took gold, GB took silver and Somalia
took a Middle aged couple from Singapore .
----------------------------------------
An entrepreneur has started his own business in Afghanistan
making Land Mines that look like prayer mats!
It's doing well. Prophets are going through the roof.
----------------------------------------
A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, ‘Never mind the pills, have you seen the dragons in the
kitchen’?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An elderly couple are in church. About halfway through the service,
the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent
fart; what do you think I should do?' He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid’.

[Hal-9000]

What do Jewish frogs say? Rebate, rebate!

[DemonGeminiX]

Did you hear about the midget fortune teller that was running around killing people?

The police said he was a small medium at large.

[PorkChopSandwiches]

What do spinach and anal sex have in common?


If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.

[Hal-9000]

What do spinach and anal sex have in common?


If you were forced to have it as a kid, you'll hate it as an adult.







:lol: wonderful

[PorkChopSandwiches]

:doggybanana:

[redred]

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."
"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."
"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

[PorkChopSandwiches]

Jack is dating this girl Paula. He takes her out five times before he finally gets her back up to his apartment for coffee. They're fooling around on the couch, they move to the bedroom, and they have sex.

After it's done, Paula glances over at the nightstand and sees the box of Trojans. It's a 12-pack, but there are only five left in there.

"What happened to the rest of them?" she asks accusingly.

"Well... I masturbated into them," he says.

She accepts the answer, but she's curious. When she's with a few guy friends two days later, Paula asks them about it.

"Do you guys ever do that?" she asks.

"Sure, all the time," her friend says.

"Really, you masturbate into condoms?" she responds.

"Oh, no! I thought you were asking if I ever lie to my girlfriend!"

[redred]

:lol:

[redred]

billy stops paddy in Dublin and says .."what's the quickest way to cork ..paddy replies are you on foot or car..billy replies car..paddy replies yeah that's the quickest

[PorkChopSandwiches]

:-k

[Griffin]

I'll go slow....it's like this....travel by car is much faster than by foot.


...still not sure?

[redred]

:lol:

[PorkChopSandwiches]

I'll go slow....it's like this....travel by car is much faster than by foot.


...still not sure?

I read it slower, ok. Just a terrible joke ;)

[Goofy]

I read it slower, ok. Just a terrible joke ;)

Hence the thread title ;)

[Goofy]

What do we want?

Race car noises!

When do we want them?

Neeeeeeoooooowwwwwwwwwwwww

[Goofy]

Red sky at night...... Shepherd's delight. Blue sky at night........ Day

[PorkChopSandwiches]

Two gay men are travelling on a plane. Let's call them Steve and Bill.

"Dude, what if we had sex?" asks Steve.

"You crazy? Here, on the plane? It would be awkward, everyone would watch us doing it..."

"Man, nobody is even paying attention to anything. Look!"

Steve stands up and asks loudly: "Could I have a pencil, please?"

Nobody gives a damn. Everyone is sleeping, reading, looking out the window, etc.

"They really wouldn't care then, would they?" says Bill.

So Steve and Bill have wild sex on the plane.

Later, when the plane arrives to the airport and the people are leaving, the stewardess sees an old man who threw up all over his shirt, even his pants are soaking in the filth.

"Sir, you should've asked for a bag!"

"I didn't dare" whispers the old man. "A few rows ahead I saw a man asking for a pencil and he got fucked in the ass..."

[redred]

http://i.imgur.com/zD36xVe.jpg

[PorkChopSandwiches]

White guy goes to prison.

To his dismay, he's put in a cell with a very large black man. After a few moments of silence, the black man says in a deep, booming voice, "There's one thing we gotta get straight right now if we're gonna be in this cell together. We gots to figure out who's gonna be the husband and who's gonna be the wife. I'll let you decide."

The white guy is shaken, and thinks for a moment through all of the ramifications of his decision. Finally he says, "Okay, I'll be the husband."

The black guys says, "That's fine with me. Now get over here and suck yo wife's dick."

[redred]

Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.


http://i.imgur.com/crjPu5z.jpg

[DemonGeminiX]

Hahahahaha!

:lol:

[Pony]

I saw my dwarf neighbor at a bus stop, "Jump in, I'll give you a lift home" I said.

"Fuck off" he shouted back.

"What an ungrateful little cunt" I thought as I zipped up my backpack and continued my walk.

[redred]

http://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20160602/d6901bd3255bb9b0499a3055a592b492.jpg

[Goofy]

https://i.imgur.com/n58Wkw6.jpg

[teabelly]

A woman goes to her gynecologist.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked her doctor.

"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my Vagina."

The doctor had a look, then chuckled before she said,

"Those aren't postage stamps my dear, they're the stickers off the bananas...

..

[redred]

A bit of humor to help you through the week. A piece of black tarmac walks into a bar and says"I'll fight anyone in here! Who wants a fight? "But nobody replies, so the piece of black tarmac sits down at the table.Then, a piece of red tarmac walks into a bar and says "I'll fight anyone, anyone at all! Who wants a beating? "The piece of black tarmac stays absolutely silent, sipping on a martini he just ordered.The piece of red tarmac sits down at a different table.The barman goes up to the piece of black tarmac, and says"Why didn't you say anything? I thought you wanted a fight? The piece of black tarmac replies"I wouldn't mess with him, he's a cyclepath.

[PorkChopSandwiches]

How many dead prostitutes does it take to change a lightbulb?


Obviously not 8, because its still dark in my basement.

[PorkChopSandwiches]

My German girlfriend likes to rate my sexual performances on a scale of 1-10.

Last night we tried anal. She kept yelling 9. That's the best I've ever done.

[PorkChopSandwiches]

Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks.

[RBP]

Why does Donald Trump take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks.

:rofl:

[RBP]

Porky's joke game is on fleek!

[PorkChopSandwiches]

So my friend has started dating twins!

I asked him the other day "How do you tell them apart?"

He said "Well, Stacy is the blonde with a perfect ass, great tits, and a fantastic figure... and Brian has a cock"

[redred]

:lol:

[redred]

http://uploads.tapatalk-cdn.com/20160722/81af1b174ebff03bb7ada862219e6d53.jpg

[PorkChopSandwiches]

How do you blow up a Muslim's iPhone?



Put it into airplane mode

[Goofy]

RIP boiled water....... you will be mist :rip:

















:coat:

[PorkChopSandwiches]

What do you call a woman who pleasures herself with a vegetable?

Mrs. Hawking

[PorkChopSandwiches]

My girlfriend asked me if I had ever pissed in the Shower.
I said, "Yeah, a couple of times, accidentally."
She said, "That's disgusting! What do you mean accidentally?!"
"Hey," I said, "these things happen when you're taking a shit."

[PorkChopSandwiches]

A black kid and his father are on an airplane

The plane suddenly starts to lose altitude and the captain made an announcement.

"Attention passengers. Due to an engine failure we are forced to dump all your baggage to lighten the plane. Unfortunately the plane is still too heavy so we have no choice but to start throwing out passengers by alphabetical order until the plane is light enough. We will start with the A's. Will all African Americans please jump out of the plane."

The little boy starts getting up but his dad stops him. "We are not African Americans."

Shortly after another announcement is made. "Ladies and gentlemen we are still to heavy. We must move to the B's. Will all blacks please jump out of the plane."

The boy starts getting up but his dad stops him again. "No son we are not black."

Shortly after another announcement is made. "Ladies and gentlemen we are still to heavy, we must now move to the C's. Will all colored people please jump out the plane."

Again the boy starts getting up but his dad stops him. "No son were not colored." "But dad, if we're not African American, black, or colored, what are we?" "Son, today we're niggers and we sure as hell ain't jumping before the Mexicans!"

[PorkChopSandwiches]

A kid walks upto his dad. He asks him to explain the difference between the words realistically and potentially.

His father responds by telling him to go ask his mother if she would sleep with their neighbour, Brett, for a million dollars. He then told him to also ask his sister whether she would sleep with their neighbour, Brett, for a million dollars. And he also told him to ask his brother whether he would sleep with Brett for a million dollars.

The kid asks everyone. He comes back and tells his dad that they all said yes.

His father responds that potentially, we're sitting on 3 million dollars. Realistically, we have two whores and a faggot in the family.

[RBP]

There are 3 stages of marital sex.

Stage 1 is "house sex" - you have sex all over the house.
Stage 2 is "bedroom sex" - you only have sex in the bedroom.
Stage 3 is "hallway sex" - you walk past each other in the hallway and say "Fuck you"

[RBP]

You know what the best part about being married is?

A: You always know where your next piece of ass is coming from.

You know what the worst part about being married is?

A: You always know where your next piece of ass is coming from.

[PorkChopSandwiches]

An American, a Brit and a Mexican are sitting in a helicopter

The Brit throws out a bag of tea, explaining to the confused others: "We have so much tea in England we can just throw it out!"
The Mexican proceeds by throwing a bag of peppers out, explaining "We have so much peppers in Mexico, we can just throw it out!"
The American proceeds to throw the Mexican out of the helicopter.
"Why did you do that?!" exclaimed the Brit.
The American turns around. "He killed my wife."

[PorkChopSandwiches]

Bill gates: So why don't you tell me why Bing failed.
Board: We feel there was a public nescience towards Bing.
Bill gates: Nescience? Let me Goog- Oh I see what you mean.

[PorkChopSandwiches]

Ben & Jerry's decides to make a flavor in celebration of Trump. What would this flavor's name be?

Grab Her by the Pustachio

[PorkChopSandwiches]

Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English in three weeks.

After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more English by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to football practice and my daughter to dance class. I've recently started going to the pub and drink pints of Carling and every Friday I have fish&chips. My favourite football team is Manchester United. Beat that!"

The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country, you fucking paki cunt."

[RBP]

:lol:

[redred]

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.
He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”
The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.

[PorkChopSandwiches]

:lol:

[Goofy]

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.
He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”
The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.

:rofl:

[PorkChopSandwiches]

Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math"

Me: "yes, as a matter of fact I am"

Interviewer: "Whats 14x27"

Me: "49"

Interviewer: "that's not even close"

Me: "yeah, but it was fast"

[Goofy]

https://i.imgur.com/01jJqrH.png

[redred]

A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 FA Cup Final, both box seats. He paid £2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...
...it's at St Paul's Church, Peterborough at 3pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too.....She'll be the one in the white dress.

[teabelly]

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret, and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. ‘I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!’

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality, and that the first rose was from him:

‘I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.’

The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood, because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.'

‘And what about the third rose ?’ she asked. ‘Oh – that’s from a man upstairs in the serious burns unit … he wanted to thank you for his new ears.'

[redred]

:lol: :fu:

[redred]

Three Little Ducks go into a Bar.
"Say, what's your name?" the Bartender asked the first Duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of Puddles all day. What else could a Duck want"..?? said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second Duck,
"Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from Duck number Two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey"..?? he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of Puddles all day myself. What else could a Duck want" ..??
The bartender turned to the Third Duck and said, "So, you must be Louie"..??
"No," she said, batting her Eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."

[Goofy]

https://i.imgur.com/dTNuKaD.png

[PorkChopSandwiches]

"Fucking kids are expensive," I said.

"Is," replied my lawyer.

[PorkChopSandwiches]

A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim.

Of course they're swimming naked as you do. All of a sudden, two busses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation.

Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it.

The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals looks over at the rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face. He says, "rabbi! What are you doing!" The rabbi says, "in my community, they recognise me by my face."

[teabelly]

http://i.imgur.com/j7yiqNs.jpg

[RBP]

My wife and I went to the auction mart the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, "THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR"

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs, smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR"

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW! That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, "THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR"

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, "That's once a day! You could REALLY learn something from this one."

I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if every time was with the same old cow."

[DemonGeminiX]

My new girlfriend told me that I'm terrible in bed.

I don't think it's fair to make a judgment like that in less than a minute.

[Muddy]

There is this African-American kid that goes to school and notices that the teachers treat the white kids better than the kids of color.


So he goes home and paints himself white and shows his dad. "Hey dad look im white!"

His dad kicks his ass, and says "Alright go show your mother."

The kid goes "Hey mom look im white!"

His mom beats the shit out of him then tells him to go show his grandma.

The kid again goes "Hey grandma look im white", she beats his ass and sends him to his room.

About an hour later all the family comes to his room and says "Have you learned anything from this?"

The kid says "Yeah I've learned that I've only been white for an hour and I already hate 3 black people."

[Teh One Who Knocks]

https://i.imgur.com/k3q9xRo.jpg

[DemonGeminiX]

What's the best thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but their flag is a huge plus.

[DemonGeminiX]

What's the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

A golfer goes *whack* "Darn!", and the skydiver goes "Darn!" *whack*

[RBP]

I said, "It's not about how many times you fall. It's about how many times you get back up."

Then the cop told me that's not how field sobriety tests work.

[Pony]

https://i.imgur.com/YAhraIU.jpg

[Teh One Who Knocks]

http://imagizer.imageshack.com/img924/6464/8grikg.jpg

[teabelly]

https://i.imgur.com/BsWSTdv.jpg

[teabelly]

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park until one day, an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," the angel said, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, during which time you can do anything you want."
And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly and dashed for the bushes, from whence there came a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes with wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more broadly, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on it's head!"

[Hal-9000]

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park until one day, an angel came down from heaven.
"You've been such exemplary statues," the angel said, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, during which time you can do anything you want."
And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly and dashed for the bushes, from whence there came a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes with wide grins on their faces.
"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more broadly, the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll shit on it's head!"

:lol:

[Goofy]

https://i.imgur.com/CXuaVUK.jpg

[lost in melb.]

That really is just dumb :lol:

[RBP]

That really is just dumb :lol:

Oh yeah? Well you're a doodoohead! :hand:

[lost in melb.]

Oh yeah? Well you're a doodoohead! :hand:

Insults matter nawt in this thread :hand:

[Teh One Who Knocks]

Before my surgery, the doctor offered to put me under using gas or a boat paddle. Seems that it was an ether/oar situation.

[Pony]

LGBTQ: Liquor, Guns, Beer, Tacos and Queso


A guy is visiting San Francisco, and walks into a small store in Chinatown.

He notices a small bronze statue of a rat.

He asks the owner "how much", and the owner replies "$50 for the bronze rat, and $1000 for the story behind it."

The guy says, "forget the story", and buys the rat.

As he's walking down the street he notices two live rats following him. As he continues to walk, more rats start following him.

He starts to get a little concerned, and heads for the waterfront. By the time he gets there, thousands and thousands of rats are following him.

He walks up to the end of the pier and throws the bronze rat into the bay, and the rats all follow and leap off of the pier and drown.

The guy rushes back to the store and walks in. The owner says, "Ah!, so your back for the story".

The guys says, "Nope, I was wondering if you have any bronze liberals?"

[DemonGeminiX]

Today, I saw a midget prisoner climbing down a wall. He looked at me and sneered and I thought, "Now that's a little condescending".

[lost in melb.]

:facepalm:

[Pony]

https://i.imgur.com/kvFWKDO.jpg

[Pony]

https://i.imgur.com/sjOADyd.jpg

[Griffin]

Talkin about dad jokes; Earlier while watching a show with elephants in it, I told my grand daughter they probably wouldn't have such rough skin if they went to a a pachydermatologist.

...it took her a few minutes. 8-)

[lost in melb.]

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In response to the Christianity Today editorial calling for his removal, Trump called the magazine a “left-wing rag” and said, “I have done more for Christianity than Jesus.”


“I mean, the name of the magazine is Christianity Today, and who is doing more for Christians today? Not Jesus. He disappeared; no one knows what happened to him. But I’m out there every day protecting churches from crazy liberals.”

While Trump admitted that Jesus did do some things for Christianity in the past, Trump said he was doing more now and it was more substantial. “I’m appointing judges to help protect religious rights,” Trump stated. “How many judges has Jesus appointed? He says something about judging people in the future, but I ain’t seen it.”

Furthermore, Trump asserted that he “saved Christmas.” “Look what I’ve done,” he said. “You can say 'Merry Christmas' now. In fact, if you say ‘Happy Holidays’ and don’t immediately make it clear you’re referring to Christmas, you go to prison. What has Jesus ever done for Christmas? Be born? He wants credit for that? Come on.”

[RBP]

:lol:

[Griffin]

https://articles-images.sftcdn.net/wp-content/uploads/sites/3/2018/10/15-Can-You-Hear-Me-Dog.png

[DemonGeminiX]

My washing machine is in need of repairs and out of commission, and I have a few pieces of clothing that needed to be washed, so I looked up on the web how to hand wash clothing. As according to the instructions, I filled a basin with lukewarm water, I added soap to the basin of water, and I put my dirty clothes in. The next step said to agitate the clothes, so I cussed at them and called them bad names.

[DemonGeminiX]

There's a rumor that the coronavirus has made it to Mexico. I heard that they're pairing it with Lyme disease.

[Goofy]

https://i.imgur.com/DGoyUW1.jpg

[Griffin]

https://i.pinimg.com/originals/32/2f/66/322f66706384b50744de625e63a7e873.jpg

[FBD]

I gotta change the intake gasket on my fjord explorer, when its super hot out and I idle the fucker it goes AROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO as the gasket vibrates back and forth :lol:

[DemonGeminiX]

Did you know that ants don't get sick?

It's because they have little anty bodies.

[DemonGeminiX]

An antenna and a satellite got married.

The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible.

[Goofy]

https://i.imgur.com/m96pqxk.jpg

[Goofy]

https://i.imgur.com/rmBox1o.jpg

[DemonGeminiX]

Bigfoot is often mistaken for Sasquatch. And Yeti never complains...

[Goofy]

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain............ Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision

[The Monk]

A man dies and goes to heaven. As he arrives there an angel is waiting for him to give him a tour. They enter through the golden gates and go inside a big bright building. There were a big number of clocks running at different speeds and the man was puzzled. He asked the angel what they were. The angel said: "Here are the clocks of every country, they measure corruption. The more corrupt the country is the faster it's clock goes!" Amazed, the man wanders around the room but he notices something and asks the angel: "Where is the US clock?" And the angel says: "Oh, God is using it as a ceiling fan in his office!"

[DemonGeminiX]

Have you ever watched the movie "Constipated"?

Of course not, it hasn't come out yet.

[DemonGeminiX]

We should be more sensitive to coffee.

It gets mugged every morning.

[DemonGeminiX]

I have six eyes, two mouths, and three ears. What am I?

Ugly.

[The Monk]

Have you ever watched the movie "Constipated"?

Of course not, it hasn't come out yet.




Was that the puzzling movie that an accountant worked out with a pencil?

[DemonGeminiX]

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food. No atmosphere.

[The Monk]

None of these get any better...... :lol:

[DemonGeminiX]

I got fired from my job at the bank the other day. An old lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

[The Monk]

Doctor: “Hello, sir. I’m calling from the hospital. Your wife has been brought in for a full examination, after a bad car accident.”

Me: “Oh my! That’s terrible! How is she behaving now?”

Doctor: “Sorry to report, but I am afraid she's CRITICAL...”

Me: “Oh, okay! Don’t worry about it...You’ll eventually get used to that...”

[The Monk]

https://i.imgur.com/R0Mgv02.jpg

[Teh One Who Knocks]

A priest goes golfing with his sailor buddy one day..

The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "Fuck, I missed." Surprised, the priest replied, "Don't use that kind of language or god will strike you down."

The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I fucking missed again." The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don't use that language or god will strike you down."

The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn't help mutter, "Oh fuck, I missed". The priest said, "That's it god will certainly strike you down."

Suddenly, the skies darkened, thunder boomed and a bolt of lightning came down...but it hit the priest. From the heavens a deep voice said, "Oh fuck, I missed".

[lost in melb.]

A man boarded an aircraft at London 's Heathrow Airport for New York...

... and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual Nymphomaniac convention in the United States ."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded,” I use my experience to disprove some of the popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.

Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.

We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said. "I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

[DemonGeminiX]

Did you hear about the popcorn that joined the army? They made him a kernel.

[The Monk]

:banghead::banghead:

[DemonGeminiX]

Have you noticed that squirrels and birds are pretty indecisive? Yeah, they're always on the fence...

[DemonGeminiX]

What does the lemon say when it answers the phone?

"Yellow!"

[The Monk]

:banghead::banghead: - They're not getting any better.... :lol:

[lost in melb.]

I thought that was passible :dunno:

[DemonGeminiX]

Come on, guys. Read the thread title. These are supposed to be bad jokes. :dance:

[lost in melb.]

Come on, guys. Read the thread title. These are supposed to be bad jokes. :dance:

Then please remove my one to a more prestigious thread [-(

[The Monk]

Come on, guys. Read the thread title. These are supposed to be bad jokes. :dance:


That's exactly what I meant...... they are so bad you need to bang your head against the wall. :headbang:

[DemonGeminiX]

Parallel lines have so much in common, it's a shame they never meet.

[DemonGeminiX]

Why do atheists have trouble with exponents?

Because they don't believe in higher powers.

[DemonGeminiX]

Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?

It was over 90 degrees.

[DemonGeminiX]

A butcher at a butcher shop is 6 feet tall and wears a size 10 shoe. What does he weigh?

Meat

[DemonGeminiX]

If two's company and three's a crowd, what are four and five?

Nine

[DemonGeminiX]

Have you heard the latest statistics joke?

Probably.

[DemonGeminiX]

What are ten things you can count on?

Your fingers

[deebakes]

cletus disagrees

[lost in melb.]

What are ten things you can count on?

Your fingers

:|



When the great Apocalypse comes, remind me not to take shelter with you.

[lost in melb.]

A butcher at a butcher shop is 6 feet tall and wears a size 10 shoe. What does he weigh?

Meat

:no:

[Pony]

Bud: ‘You can’t come in here!’
Lou: ‘Why not?’
Bud: ‘Well because you’re unvaccinated.’
Lou: ‘But I’m not sick.’
Bud: ‘It doesn’t matter.’
Lou: ‘Well, why does that guy get to go in?’
Bud: ‘Because he’s vaccinated.’
Lou: ‘But he’s sick!’
Bud: ‘It’s alright. Everyone in here is vaccinated.’
Lou: ‘Wait a minute. Are you saying everyone in there is vaccinated?’
Bud: ‘Yes.’
Lou: ‘So then why can’t I go in there if everyone is vaccinated?’
Bud: ‘Because you’ll make them sick.’
Lou: ‘How will I make them sick if I’m NOT sick and they’re vaccinated.’
Bud: ‘Because you’re unvaccinated.’
Lou: ‘But they’re vaccinated.’
Bud: ‘But they can still get sick.’
Lou: ‘So what the heck does the vaccine do?’
Bud: ‘It vaccinates.’
Lou: ‘So vaccinated people can’t spread covid?’
Bud: ‘Oh no. They can spread covid just as easily as an unvaccinated person.’
Lou: ‘I don’t even know what I’m saying anymore. Look, I’m not sick.’
Bud: ‘Ok.’
Lou: ‘And the guy you let in IS sick.’
Bud: ‘That’s right.’
Lou: ‘And everybody in there can still get sick even though they’re vaccinated.’
Bud: ‘Certainly.’
Lou: ‘So why can’t I go in again?’
Bud: ‘Because you’re unvaccinated.’
Lou: ‘I’m not asking who’s vaccinated or not!’
Bud: ‘I’m just telling you how it is.’
Lou: ‘Nevermind. I’ll just put on my mask.’
Bud: ‘That’s fine.’
Lou: ‘Now I can go in?’
Bud: ‘Absolutely not.’
Lou: ‘But I have a mask!’
Bud: ‘Doesn’t matter.’
Lou: ‘I was able to come in here yesterday with a mask.’
Bud: ‘I know.’
Lou: ‘So why can’t I come in here today with a mask? ... If you say ‘because I’m unvaccinated’ again, I’ll break your arm.’
Bud: ‘Take it easy buddy.’
Lou: ‘So the mask is no good anymore.’
Bud: ‘No, it’s still good.’
Lou: ‘But I can’t come in?’
Bud: ‘Correct.’
Lou: ‘Why not?’
Bud: ‘Because you’re unvaccinated.’
Lou: ‘But the mask prevents the germs from getting out.’
Bud: ‘Yes, but people can still catch your germs.’
Lou: ‘But they’re all vaccinated.’
Bud: ‘Yes, but they can still get sick.’
Lou: ‘But I’m not sick!!’
Bud: ‘You can still get them sick.’
Lou: ‘So then masks don’t work!’
Bud: ‘Masks work quite well.’
Lou: ‘So how in the heck can I get vaccinated people sick if I’m not sick and masks work?’

[DemonGeminiX]

Two fish are swimming beside each other down a river, when all of a sudden they run into a wall.

One fish goes to the other, "Dam".

[PorkChopSandwiches]

:coat:

[The Monk]

Two fish are swimming beside each other down a river, when all of a sudden they run into a wall.

One fish goes to the other, "Dam".

:facepalm:

[lost in melb.]

I feel like he's improving :dunno:

[DemonGeminiX]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender leans over and says, "Hey, why the long face?"

[Fodster]

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender leans over and says, "HAY, why the long face?"

Would have been funnier!

[DemonGeminiX]

I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. Couldn't park anywhere near that place.

[DemonGeminiX]

What did Mason say to Dixon?

We've got to draw the line right here.

[lost in melb.]

I used to work at a fire hydrant factory. Couldn't park anywhere near that place.

That was abysmal. Thank you.

[DemonGeminiX]

Why do women always move in groups of 3, 5, 7, 9, etc?

Because they just can't even.

[Griffin]

A polar bear walks into a bar. Bartender says “what can I get you?”
Bear replies ” I’d like a gin… … … And tonic”
Bartender asks “Why the big pause?”
The polar bear looks at his hands, turning them back and forth “I don’t know......... my dad had ’em too.”

[lost in melb.]

I don't get either of these :|

[DemonGeminiX]

I don't get either of these :|

Younger American women these days will say, "I just can't even" or "I can't even" when faced with an unpalatable choice, among other things. So it's making fun of the phrase. They move in groups of odd numbers, because "they can't even".

The polar bear joke is a simple word play, pause = paws.

[lost in melb.]

Thanks. I suppose I should have got the second one.

[Griffin]

A three legged dog kicks open the saloon door and growls, "I'm lookin for the man that shot my paw."

[Griffin]

The craziest thing happened at a bar tonight. A woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me!

...on an unrelated note, I suck at darts.

[DemonGeminiX]

I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently, I couldn't concentrate.

[Griffin]

If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

[Griffin]

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

... I'll let you know.

[DemonGeminiX]

What key has legs and can't open doors?

A Turkey.

[DemonGeminiX]

A guy dropped by asking for a small donation to go towards a community pool. I handed him a glass of water.

[lost in melb.]

A guy dropped by asking for a small donation to go towards a community pool. I handed him a glass of water.

:obama:

[DemonGeminiX]

I can't believe they're still together after all the shit they've been through.

Who, you ask?

Your butt cheeks.

[lost in melb.]

I can't believe they're still together after all the shit they've been through.

Who, you ask?

Your butt cheeks.

:pale:

[DemonGeminiX]

It's not that the man did not know how to juggle. He just didn't have the balls to do it.

[Griffin]

If Satan ever loses his hair, there will be hell toupee

[lost in melb.]

Say what you like about the Aussies but they do know how to return a Serb.

[DemonGeminiX]

Of all of the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.

[Teh One Who Knocks]

https://i.imgur.com/rOmhqMSl.jpeg

[lost in melb.]

:thumbsdown:

[Teh One Who Knocks]

It was hilarious :hand:

[Teh One Who Knocks]

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree in near his home. He searches online and finds a local gorilla removal service and calls immediately.

"Is it a boy or a girl gorilla?" the service guy asks.

"Boy," says the homeowner.

The service guy says, "Alright no problem, I can do it. I'll be right there."

An hour later the service guy shows up with a stick, a Chihuahua, a shotgun, and a pair of handcuffs. He tells the homeowner, "Now, I'm going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls. When he does, the trained Chihuahua will bite the gorilla's testicles off. The gorilla will then cross his hands to protect himself and allow you to put the handcuffs on him."

The man asks, "What do I do with the shotgun?"

The service guy replies, "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the Chihuahua."

[Teh One Who Knocks]

I took an elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the elevator operator said "Have a good day, son."

"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."

He scratched his head, "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

------------------------------------------------------

After I was done, I got back on the elevator to go back to the first floor. The same operator was there. I said nothing, and at the bottom, the operator said, "I'm sorry."

"Oh, because you thought you were my dad?" I asked.

He shakes his head. "No, son, because I let you down."

[DemonGeminiX]

:lol:

Ok, those were good.

[Teh One Who Knocks]

:dance:

[lost in melb.]

This thread is coming loose :-k

[DemonGeminiX]

:rimshot:

[lost in melb.]

Thanks. Taking an axe to this thread was an awe fell lot of work.

[Teh One Who Knocks]

Did you hear about the magician who made an entire art gallery disappear?

Now museum, now you don't

[Teh One Who Knocks]

I started a band called 999 Megabytes

We still haven't gotten a gig.

[DemonGeminiX]

:rimshot:

[Teh One Who Knocks]

I was caught trying to escape from prison by my cellblock guard.

He told me he's disappointed because I was well behaved and I didn't even check if I was tracked.

I'll never let my guard down again.

[Teh One Who Knocks]

My friend tries to impress girls by drawing realistic pictures of a Ford F-150.

He’s a pick-up artist.

[Teh One Who Knocks]

My girlfriend was really angry when I gave her a box of photos of all her old boyfriends for her birthday.

I don't know why, she said she wanted an ex box.

[Teh One Who Knocks]

In every koi pond of four or more, at least one is always fake.

You’ve got koi’s A, B, C, and then the D koi.

[Teh One Who Knocks]

A lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist was taken aback and asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacists eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Oh well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

[Teh One Who Knocks]

The doctor said I had Gloria Gaynor Syndrome.

At first I was afraid...

[DemonGeminiX]

The doctor said I had Gloria Gaynor Syndrome.

At first I was afraid...

You were petrified?

[Teh One Who Knocks]

Aliens come to earth and they're so nice and there's a huge televised event with all the world leaders in attendance.

The Pope asks, "Do you know of Jesus Christ?"

The aliens say, "Do we Ever? Awesome guy!! Swings by the planet every couple of years to say Hi!"

The Pope exclaims, "Every couple of years?? What!!?? We're still waiting for his second coming!"

The alien replies, "Maybe he didn't like your chocolate?"

The Pope is flabbergasted, "What does chocolate have to do with anything?"

The alien says, "Well when he came the first time, we gave him a huge box of chocolates! Why? What did you guys give him?

[Teh One Who Knocks]

What’s grey and not very important?

An irrelephant

[Teh One Who Knocks]

A priest goes to see his Bishop and asks if he would hear his confession.

“Of course,” the Bishop said and took out his rosary. “And what do you have to confess?”

“Well Your Grace I used profane language,” the priest says, shifting a bit in obvious embarrassment.

“I understand,” the Bishop says. “And under what circumstance did you use the profanity?”

“Well Your Grace I was playing golf and I stepped up to the tee on a par four and I hit what is probably the best drive of my life. Long and straight as an arrow,” the priest replied.

“Well surely there was no cause to blaspheme then?” the Bishop said with a frown.

“Well no,” the priest said, “but as it flew down the fairway it hit an overhead wire and dropped down only a hundred yards away.”

“Ah,” said the Bishop. “So that’s when you blasphemed.”

“No Your Grace,” the priest said. “You see when it hit the ground a gopher popped up, grabbed the ball and started running away with it toward the woods.”

“Oh so that is what made you curse,” the Bishop said with a nod.

“No Your Grace because just as he was about to get to the woods a great owl swooped down and grabbed him in his talons and started to fly away.”

“Okay so that is when you used a profanity,” The Bishop said.

“No sir, you see as the owl flew off with the gopher, the gopher dropped the ball from the sky and it landed on the green and rolled to just two feet away from the hole.”

The Bishop looked at the priest carefully and said, “You missed the fucking putt didn’t you?”

[Teh One Who Knocks]

What's the difference between an Indian and an African elephant?

One's an elephant.

[DemonGeminiX]

:rimshot:

[Teh One Who Knocks]

A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides.

The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is humbler, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable resource to have. The first kingdom sends 100 of its finest knights, clad in the best armour and each with their own personal squire. The second kingdom sends 50 knights, with fine leather armour and a few dozen squires of their own. The third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire.

The night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and party into the late hours of the night. The knights in the second kingdom aren't as well off, but have their own supply of grog and drink well into the night.

In the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and swings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. He fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight.

The next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hungover and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old weary, unable to get up.

In place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. The battle lasts long into the night but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing - the squire from the third kingdom.

And it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

[DemonGeminiX]

:lol:

[Teh One Who Knocks]

I like the jokes where you aren't really sure where they are going :lol:

[Teh One Who Knocks]

Harold got in bed, kissed his lovely wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the pearly Gates and St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Harold.”

Harold was stunned. "I'm dead...? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back to my wife!”

St. Peter said, "Perhaps that can be arranged, but there aren’t many open spots right now. You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back to your house as a goldfish or as a hen.”

Harold never liked swimming and thought that perhaps being a hen wouldn't be that bad after all. The chickens his wife raised just ran around pecking at the ground, no stress, and at least he’d still be close to her.

Harold replied, "Okay, then I choose to be a hen.” The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground in his old backyard! Another hen strolled up and said, "So, you're the new hen, nice to meet you. How’s your first day here?”

"Not bad," replied Harold, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm gonna explode!”

"You're ovulating," explained the hen. “Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before!”

"Never.." said Harold.

"Well, just cluck twice and then push.” Harold clucked twice and pushed, and voila, out popped an egg. Harold was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood for the first time. He then clucked twice, pushed, and out came another egg. It felt amazing. He never new it was like this! Just as he was about to lay his third egg, his wife called out to him. “Harold! Harold!”

Happiness filled Harold as he saw her running towards him. Knowing she was there to share this moment, he was overwhelmed by joy.

He clucked once, clucked twice, and suddenly felt his wife smack the back of his head. “Dammit, Harold wake up! You're shitting the bed!”

[DemonGeminiX]

Have you noticed that squirrels and birds are very indecisive? Yeah, they're always on the fence.

[Teh One Who Knocks]

A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV.

He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.

"Hey Chicken, come over!" he says.

Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "Hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."

Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.

Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.

"Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

"There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."

"Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.

One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"

The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.

Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.

Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death. So the horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

[PorkChopSandwiches]

:facepalm:

[DemonGeminiX]

That's a long setup for a very old joke.

[Teh One Who Knocks]

My girlfriend asked me about birth control. I said, “I’m like Alec Baldwin. I’m pretty sure I’m shooting blanks but don’t bet your life on it.”

[DemonGeminiX]

Studies have shown that people who have more birthdays actually live longer.

[Teh One Who Knocks]

A horse walks into a bar.......

The bartender asks "hey, why the long face? Are you depressed?"

The horse ponders for a second, scratches his chin, and says "I don't think I am" and promptly disappears.

You see, this is a joke about Rene Descartes' famous statement "I think, therefore I am" and I could have mentioned this at the start of the joke, but that would be putting Descartes before the horse.

[Teh One Who Knocks]

What do you call a dog that does magic?



A Labra-cadabrador.

[Teh One Who Knocks]

I received an email from my ex-wife the night after I moved out that was empty except for a grainy photograph of a pear.

I checked the subject line for more details, but the subject simply said "pear" with no other context.

Her default email signature had even been overwritten to say "Kind regards, pear".

I thought about that message for a long time, but in the end I didn't reply.

By that point our relationship was beyond re: pear.

[lost in melb.]

That's about as bad as you can get and a good contribution to this thread.

[DemonGeminiX]

What do you get when you serve a bean and onion casserole?

Tear gas.

[Teh One Who Knocks]

What do you get when you serve a bean and onion casserole?

Tear gas.If someone tried to serve me a bean and onion casserole, I would throat punch them :hand:

[FBD]

I received an email from my ex-wife the night after I moved out that was empty except for a grainy photograph of a pear.

I checked the subject line for more details, but the subject simply said "pear" with no other context.

Her default email signature had even been overwritten to say "Kind regards, pear".

I thought about that message for a long time, but in the end I didn't reply.

By that point our relationship was beyond re: pear.

"cmon, I was saving that one to describe your body type"