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redred
01-29-2011, 10:11 PM
What did the mermaid do last Sunday night?
She went to sea a movie.

redred
01-29-2011, 10:11 PM
What do termites eat for breakfast?
Oakmeal.

redred
01-29-2011, 10:12 PM
A man was waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso popped out!

The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms popped out!

The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair.

By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs popped out.

The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over.

The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."

redred
01-29-2011, 10:13 PM
There once was a king who lived in two-story grass hut. Every holiday the king demanded to be given a new throne as a gift. As soon as a new throne arrived, he would store the old throne on the second level of his hut and use the new one instead. But one day the hut collapsed from the weight of all the thrones, and everyone was crushed and killed.

The moral of this story? Those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

redred
01-29-2011, 10:14 PM
Two muffins are in the oven. One looks over and says, "Gee, don't you think it's hot in here?" and the other muffin says, "AAAAHHH!!!! A talking muffin!!!"

Teh One Who Knocks
01-29-2011, 10:22 PM
A man was waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.

Swoooop! A torso popped out!

The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay.

Swoooop! Two arms popped out!

The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair.

By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it.

Swoooop! Two legs popped out.

The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over.

The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."

:facepalm:

redred
01-30-2011, 03:21 PM
What's Mary short for?
She's got no legs.

redred
01-30-2011, 03:22 PM
A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents."

redred
01-30-2011, 03:22 PM
Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?
If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

redred
01-30-2011, 03:23 PM
What did the dolphin say to the whale when he bumped into him?
I didn't do it on porpoise.

redred
01-30-2011, 03:24 PM
Why won't a bike stand up by itself?
It's two tired.

Southern Belle
01-30-2011, 10:25 PM
:facepalm:

redred
01-31-2011, 08:30 AM
A hungry African lion came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

redred
01-31-2011, 08:32 AM
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew the doctor's habit and would always have a drink waiting. But one day the bartender ran out of hazelnut extract, so he substituted hickory nuts. When the doctor arrived, he took a sip and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"

"No, I'm sorry," the bartender replied. "It's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

redred
01-31-2011, 08:32 AM
Did you hear the watermelon joke?
It's pitful.

redred
01-31-2011, 08:32 AM
Why did the New Yorker sleep under an oil tank?
He wanted to wake up oily.

redred
01-31-2011, 08:33 AM
Marge, Tina, and Cindy had made plans to attend the premiere of Madonna's film Evita. All three looked forward to the event, but at the last minute an unforeseen emergency at work prevented Cindy from going with them. Feeling bad for Cindy's sake, the other two sniffled and wept. But Cindy consoled them: "Don't cry for me, Marge and Tina."

Teh One Who Knocks
02-01-2011, 03:37 PM
Marge, Tina, and Cindy had made plans to attend the premiere of Madonna's film Evita. All three looked forward to the event, but at the last minute an unforeseen emergency at work prevented Cindy from going with them. Feeling bad for Cindy's sake, the other two sniffled and wept. But Cindy consoled them: "Don't cry for me, Marge and Tina."

:rimshot:

redred
02-01-2011, 07:05 PM
Why did the boy take a ruler to bed with him?
To see how long he slept.

redred
02-01-2011, 07:06 PM
How can you use a lighthouse, rose trellis, windstorm, dune, and Halloween costume to create something tasty?
Make a beacon, lattice, and tornado sand witch.

redred
02-01-2011, 07:08 PM
What's the difference between a mosquito and a fly?
A mosquito can fly, but a fly can't mosquito.

redred
02-01-2011, 07:09 PM
Why did the man put cheese on his computer?
He wanted to feed the mouse.

redred
02-03-2011, 01:13 PM
A Nun, a Priest, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Rabbi and a Blonde walk into a Bar.
The Barman looks at them and asks "What is this, some kind of joke?"

redred
02-03-2011, 01:14 PM
I went on a tour of a post card factory the other day, it was ok, but nothing to write home about.

redred
02-03-2011, 01:15 PM
A kid gave his teacher a blank piece of paper.
Teacher: What is this?
Kid: It's a drawing of a cow eating grass.
Teacher: (looked at the paper) Where's the grass?
Kid: The cow ate all of it.
...Teacher: (looked at the paper again)Then, where's the cow?
Kid: It left because there was no more grass.

Teh One Who Knocks
02-04-2011, 11:00 AM
A kid gave his teacher a blank piece of paper.
Teacher: What is this?
Kid: It's a drawing of a cow eating grass.
Teacher: (looked at the paper) Where's the grass?
Kid: The cow ate all of it.
...Teacher: (looked at the paper again)Then, where's the cow?
Kid: It left because there was no more grass.

:lol:

redred
02-05-2011, 01:26 PM
A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie!" Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender. A few sips later the voice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us."

"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender. "They're complimentary."

redred
02-05-2011, 01:26 PM
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. Soon the manager came out and asked them to disperse. "But why," one asked.

"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

redred
02-05-2011, 01:27 PM
What kind of house is easiest to pick up?
A light house.

redred
02-05-2011, 01:27 PM
A frog named Kermit Jagger goes to a bank to get a loan. He talks to a teller named Patty Mack. Patty asks the frog what he has for collateral. The frog pulls out a small figurine, but Patty says, "I'm sorry, that's just a cheap knick knack." The bank manager had been walking by at the time and overheard the conversation. Looking over, he said, "This figurine is three hundred years old -- it's priceless. That's no knick knack, Patty Mack, give that frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

redred
02-05-2011, 01:28 PM
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the mud, and crosses back over?
A dirty double crosser.

Teh One Who Knocks
02-05-2011, 02:40 PM
A frog named Kermit Jagger goes to a bank to get a loan. He talks to a teller named Patty Mack. Patty asks the frog what he has for collateral. The frog pulls out a small figurine, but Patty says, "I'm sorry, that's just a cheap knick knack." The bank manager had been walking by at the time and overheard the conversation. Looking over, he said, "This figurine is three hundred years old -- it's priceless. That's no knick knack, Patty Mack, give that frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

:facepalm:

Dr. Girlfriend
02-06-2011, 03:48 AM
On most of these I couldn't decide if I wanted to cringe or laugh! :lol: So bad, so good!

redred
02-06-2011, 01:43 PM
What do you feed an invisible cat?
Evaporated milk.

redred
02-06-2011, 01:45 PM
In a particular small country, there was a king. He was much beloved of the people, and so they built for him a castle. But they were poor people and could only afford to build it out of grass. So they worked for weeks, and finally completed a lovely woven grass castle for him. And the king was pleased.

Another country, significantly richer than the first, presented a peace offering of an ornate throne. The king accepted this gift graciously and was most pleased. The only trouble was, the throne was very uncomfortable. So the king got himself a more comfortable chair and kept the massive throne in the attic. Naturally, it fell through the floor and killed him.

The moral of this story: People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones

redred
02-06-2011, 01:45 PM
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on him.

redred
02-06-2011, 01:45 PM
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
The tame way -- unique up on him.

redred
02-06-2011, 01:46 PM
A director decides that he's going to make a movie based on the lives of famous classical composers. Looking for a prospective cast, he asks Sylvester Stallone which composer he would like to play in the movie. Stallone thinks for a moment and says, "I like Mozart. Let me be Mozart."

The director then turns to Arnold Schwarzenegger and asks him who he'd like to play. Arnold replies, "I'll be Bach!"

redred
02-06-2011, 01:47 PM
:pirate:How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced?
A buck an ear.

The Monk
02-08-2011, 10:43 AM
no change is there....?...:mrgreen:

redred
02-08-2011, 11:41 AM
:lol: they make me laugh

redred
02-09-2011, 10:22 AM
Why did the apple cry?
Its peelings were hurt.

redred
02-09-2011, 10:23 AM
What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on him?
Nothing. He just let out a little wine.

redred
02-09-2011, 10:23 AM
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Just between you and me, something smells down there.

redred
02-09-2011, 10:23 AM
What do you get when you combine a recliner with a fruit?
A chairy.

redred
02-09-2011, 10:24 AM
What's green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

redred
02-09-2011, 10:24 AM
What did the snail say when he jumped on the turtle's back?
Wheeeeee!

redred
02-09-2011, 10:25 AM
A boy asked his rich uncle for a cowboy outfit for his birthday. So the uncle bought him a used car dealership.

The Monk
02-09-2011, 01:09 PM
There's no improvement......:lol:

redred
02-10-2011, 03:24 PM
What happened when a ship carrying red paint collided with a ship carrying blue paint?
Both crews were marooned.

redred
02-10-2011, 03:24 PM
A man worked at an orange juice factory, but he was canned because he couldn't concentrate.

redred
02-10-2011, 03:25 PM
Another poor soul worked at a company making blankets. He lost his job when the company folded.

redred
02-10-2011, 03:25 PM
Did you hear about the pilot who went on sick leave? He had the flew.

redred
02-10-2011, 03:25 PM
When Noah was loading the Ark, where did he put the bees?
In the Ark-hives.

redred
02-10-2011, 03:26 PM
What do you call a snake that rides around on the front of a car?
A windshield viper.

redred
02-10-2011, 03:26 PM
What's red and looks like a bucket?
A red bucket.

redred
02-10-2011, 03:27 PM
What's blue and looks like a bucket?
A red bucket in disguise.

The Monk
02-11-2011, 01:12 AM
Still as bad as ever....:lol:

Dr. Girlfriend
02-11-2011, 02:19 AM
Like, I mean, I'm like...

http://i55.tinypic.com/14kl6b6.gif




:lol:

The Monk
02-11-2011, 03:04 AM
Yep - just sitting here waiting for the funny ones.....:mrgreen:

redred
02-11-2011, 10:05 AM
My father was from Iceland and my mother was from Cuba. I'm an Ice Cube.

redred
02-11-2011, 10:05 AM
A terrible plane crash occurred in Lithuania last week. A two-seater airplane crash landed in a cemetery and exploded. They've recovered 300 bodies so far, and they're still digging them up.

redred
02-11-2011, 10:06 AM
What is green and goes a hundred miles per hour?
A fuel injected pickle.

redred
02-11-2011, 10:06 AM
Did you hear about the human cannonball? First day on the job, he was fired.

redred
02-11-2011, 10:07 AM
Why did the stoplight turn red?
You would too, if you had to change in front of all those people.

redred
02-11-2011, 10:07 AM
How does a cow add and subtract?
With a cowculator.

redred
02-11-2011, 10:08 AM
How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator?
Step one: Open the door.
Step two: Put the elephant in.
Step three: Close the door

redred
02-11-2011, 10:08 AM
How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator?
Step one: Open the door.
Step two: Take the elephant out.
Step three: Put the giraffe in.
Step four: Close the door.

redred
02-11-2011, 10:09 AM
If an elephant and a giraffe had a race, who would win?
The elephant. The giraffe is in the refrigerator.

:lol:

redred
02-11-2011, 10:10 AM
Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife and arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid in part up front. The man opened up his wallet and displayed the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Safeway grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceeding were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared: "Artie chokes two for a dollar at Safeway."

Teh One Who Knocks
02-12-2011, 12:15 AM
How do you put an elephant in a refrigerator?
Step one: Open the door.
Step two: Put the elephant in.
Step three: Close the door


How do you put a giraffe in a refrigerator?
Step one: Open the door.
Step two: Take the elephant out.
Step three: Put the giraffe in.
Step four: Close the door.


If an elephant and a giraffe had a race, who would win?
The elephant. The giraffe is in the refrigerator.

:lol:

:slap:

Dr. Girlfriend
02-12-2011, 02:43 AM
:slap:

Those were the ones I liked! :lol:

The Monk
02-12-2011, 03:46 AM
:facepalm:

redred
02-14-2011, 09:00 AM
What did the alien say to the gardener?
Take me to your weeder.

redred
02-14-2011, 09:01 AM
Where did the Martian put his teacup?
On his flying saucer.

redred
02-14-2011, 09:02 AM
What do you say to an alien with two heads?
Hello. Hello.

redred
02-14-2011, 09:02 AM
A sibyl, a haruspex, and a rhabdomantist walked into a bar. The sibyl said, "There's going to be this big flood, and it's going to be terrible." And the haruspex was looking at this dead animal, and he said, "Yeah, it's going to rain hard and wipe everything out, and it's going to do all kinds of damage." And the rhabdomantist said, "That's terrible! Why...I'll be out of a job!"

redred
02-14-2011, 09:03 AM
When ducks fly in a V, why is one side of the V longer than the other?
There are more ducks on that side.

redred
02-14-2011, 09:03 AM
What do you give a sick bird?
Tweetment.

redred
02-14-2011, 09:04 AM
Why did the engineer put a clock under his desk?
He wanted to work overtime.

redred
02-14-2011, 09:05 AM
A skeleton walks into a bar. He says, "Get me a beer and a mop."

redred
02-14-2011, 09:05 AM
What's small red and goes up and down?
A tomato in an elevator.

redred
02-14-2011, 09:05 AM
What do you call a man who inherits a dairy?
A Dairy Heir.

redred
02-14-2011, 09:06 AM
What do you call a cow with a hysterectomy?
Decalfinated.

redred
02-14-2011, 09:07 AM
Why do elephants paint their toenails red?
So they can hide in strawberry patches.

redred
02-14-2011, 09:07 AM
Have you ever seen an elephant in a strawberry patch?
Works pretty well, doesn't it?

redred
02-14-2011, 09:07 AM
Why do owners of muffler shops sleep so good at night?
They're exhausted.

redred
02-14-2011, 09:07 AM
How does a witch tell time?
With a witchwatch.

redred
02-14-2011, 09:10 AM
A polar bear walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a large orange juice . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . on the rocks."

The bartender served the juice and said, "Here it is, but why the big pause?"

"I don't know," the polar bear replied. "I've always had them."

redred
02-14-2011, 09:10 AM
What's black, highly dangerous, and lives in a tree?
A crow with a machine gun.

redred
02-14-2011, 09:10 AM
What do you say to a vampire when he graduates from college?
Coagulations!

The Monk
02-14-2011, 12:14 PM
Polar bearcub asks his Mum;

"are you sure I'm a polar bear?"

"Of course." said his Mum.

"But Mum, are you really sure I'm a polar bear?" he asks again.

"Yes, of course dear, why do you ask?" said Mum.

"Then if I am a polar bear, why am I so fucking cold?".....:lol:

:giggle:




:facepalm:

The Monk
02-14-2011, 12:15 PM
I apologise for the above joke.......

redred
02-14-2011, 02:27 PM
no need thats what this thread is for

Teh One Who Knocks
02-14-2011, 10:51 PM
A polar bear walks into a bar and says, "I'll have a large orange juice . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . on the rocks."

The bartender served the juice and said, "Here it is, but why the big pause?"

"I don't know," the polar bear replied. "I've always had them."

:facepalm:

redred
02-16-2011, 10:12 AM
There was a little boy by the name of Billy. Billy was an ordinary little boy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing, destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Billy went down to the bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friends huddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat.

Being a little boy, Billy was curious. So he asked them, "What's the Purple Wombat?"

"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the children exclaimed disgustedly. For the rest of the morning, they would not go near Billy, always standing far away and staring at him. Then the bus came. Billy, confused, got on the bus along with the rest of the children.

"Hey, Mister Bus Driver!" one of the chldren shouted. "Billy doesn't know what the Purple Wombat is!"

The bus driver turned around abruptly. "You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" he said in disbelief. He ordered Billy to sit in the very back of the bus, all by himself.

Eventually, they got to school, and Billy got off the bus and went to class. Class proceeded normally; the students did the pledge of allegiance and worked on their multiplication tables for a while. Then the teacher led them into a unit on geography. Billy was not really paying attention, but he heard the teacher mention something about the Purple Wombat.

Billy's hand shot up, and, when the teacher called on him, Billy asked, "Teacher, what's the Purple Wombat?"

"You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" the teacher cried in alarm, "Get yourself to the principal's office right now, young man. No, no buts -- march!"

So Billy headed down the long, dark, frightening hallway to the principal's office. He slowly opened the large, heavy door, and timidly entered the room behind it. There, at a large, imposing desk, sat the principal. The principal was a hulking man, balding, with a thin mustache. He spoke in a deep baritone voice. He was enough to frighten little boys like Billy who had been sent to his office almost to tears.

"Well, Billy," he began slowly. "What seems to be the problem?"

"Mr. Principal, I just don't know what's going on today. Everyone's been acting weird, and they're all treating me really badly. Like teacher just sent me to you and stuff."

"Now, Billy, I'm here to help you. I'm the princi-Pal, after all. Heh heh. Can you tell me why everyone's acting so strangely?"

"It's because I don't know what some stupid Purple Wombat is."

"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is? That's it. I am calling your mother, young man. Consider yourself suspended."

The principal threw Billy out of his office and told him to go home. Billy, crying, began the long walk home. When he got there, his mother was standing in the doorway waiting for him.

"Billy!" she called, sobbing, "I was so worried about you! What happened?"

"Mom," Billy cried, "Everyone was being mean to me and I had to sit in the back of the bus all by myself and the teacher sent me to the principal's office and the principal suspended me, all because I don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"

"What? You don't know what the Purple Wombat is?" Billy's mother shrieked. "Go to your room this minute. Go! Just wait until your father gets home!"

So Billy marched up the stairs and into his room. He collapsed on the bed, crying. After some amount of time, he heard a car pull in and some doors shutting. His father was home. He could hear his parents talking downstairs but didn't know what they were saying. Then he heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and his door opened.

"Billy," his father began in that lecturing-father tone, "Your mother says you've been acting badly lately. Would you like to tell me what you've done?"

"Dad, I haven't done anything! I just don't know what the Purple Wombat is!"

"You...don't know what the Purple Wombat is. Well, in that case, you can just stay in this room all night, mister. And forget about dinner!"

Billy's father slammed the door and stormed off. Billy collapsed on his bed, crying his eyes out. He spent the next several hours that way -- lying there, crying, wishing he would wake up.

Then, in the middle of the night, he heard a voice. It said: "Billy. I am the Purple Wombat, Billy."

Billy sat up with a start. He looked around the room, trying to find the source of the voice, but he could not.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Find me, Billy."

It was coming from out the window. So Billy got up, put his shoes on, opened the window, and climbed out on to the roof.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat."

Billy jumped down off the roof and followed the voice down the road. He got to the edge of a wood.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Follow me, Billy."

The voice was coming from inside the wood. It was very dark and very frightening, but Billy didn't care. He had to find out what the Purple Wombat was. So, bravely, he entered the wood.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Keep going, Billy."

Billy kept going into the wood. He could hardly see anything, and he kept falling down and walking into things and hurting himself. But he kept going, driven by a need to find this enigma that kept calling his name.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. This way, Billy."

Eventually, Billy emerged from the wood. He was on the shore of the town lake.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. I'm out here, Billy."

It was coming from out across the lake. Billy got one of the small rowboats from the dock, untied it, and rowed out. Since he was only a small boy, it was very difficult. But he had to find out what the Purple Wombat was.

"Billy. I am the Purple Wombat. Row, Billy."

The voice was coming from across the lake. Billy doubled his effort, and the boat began to move a little faster. When he was about half way across the lake, he heard: "Billy, I am the Purple Wombat. I'm up here, Billy."

It was coming from directly above him. Billy stopped rowing and stood up to look for it. The boat tipped over, dumping him in the lake. Billy didn't know how to swim, so he drowned.

Moral: Don't stand up in a boat.

redred
02-16-2011, 10:13 AM
What kind of dog can jump higher than a building?
Any dog. A building can't jump.

redred
02-16-2011, 10:13 AM
Do you want to hear the story about the broken pencil? No? Oh well. There's no point to it, anyway.

redred
02-16-2011, 10:14 AM
:pirate:"Have you heard about the new pirate movie?"
"It's rated aaarrrrrrrr."

redred
02-16-2011, 10:14 AM
What has two heads, four eyes, six legs, and a tail?
A horse and rider.

redred
02-16-2011, 10:15 AM
Where do hamburgers go to dance?
To a meatball.

redred
02-16-2011, 10:15 AM
This guy comes blasting into the doctor's office and exclaims, excitedly, "Doctor, I think I'm shrinking! I think I'm shrinking!"

"Ok, just settle down sir," the doctor says. "You're just going to have to be a little patient."

redred
02-16-2011, 10:16 AM
Some adventurers are traveling through the jungle. They come upon a tribe of natives who take them captive. The leader of the tribe tells the men they will let them choose how they are to die. The first guy asks for a sword with which to run himself through. They give him one, and he starts to attack the tribe, but they overtake him and kill him, then use his skin for a canoe. The second one asks for a gun with which to shoot himself. They give him one, and he starts shooting at the tribe, but they overtake him, kill him, and use his skin for a canoe. The third asks for a fork, and the tribe figures, hey, how much damage can he do with a fork? So they give him one. Furiously, he starts poking himself with it. "To heck with your canoes!" he exclaims.

redred
02-16-2011, 10:16 AM
Why do ducks have flat webbed feet?
To stomp out forest fires.

redred
02-16-2011, 10:16 AM
Why do elephants have big flat feet?
To stomp out burning ducks.

redred
02-16-2011, 10:17 AM
What do you get when you cross a caterpillar and a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.

The Monk
02-16-2011, 10:33 AM
Do you want to hear the story about the broken pencil? No? Oh well. There's no point to it, anyway.

Did you hear about the constipated accountant?

He worked it out with a pencil.

The Monk
02-16-2011, 10:35 AM
What's orange and sound like a parrot?


A Carrot.

redred
02-16-2011, 10:36 AM
:lol:

St. George
02-16-2011, 01:03 PM
Did you hear about the 12 seater cessna light aircraft that crashed into a cemetary in Ireland yesterday? The police have recovered over 400 bodies.

Why are there 4 D's in Edward Woodward?
Coz if there weren't he'd be called Ewar Woowar.

Teh One Who Knocks
02-16-2011, 01:41 PM
There was a little boy by the name of Billy. Billy was an ordinary little boy who did ordinary little boy things, like playing, eating, bathing, destroying things, and going to school. One day, when Billy went down to the bus stop to meet the bus to go to school, he found all of his friends huddled around in a little group, talking about the Purple Wombat.....

I read that whole thing :x


:slap:

redred
02-16-2011, 02:45 PM
:lol: so now you know

redred
02-16-2011, 02:45 PM
Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.

It was just After Eight.

They got off at Quality Street .

He asked her name. 'Polo, I'm the one with the hole' she said with a Wispa.

'I'm Marathon , the one with the nuts' he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.

Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, which made her Ripple.

He fondled her Jelly Babies and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.

Soon they were Heart Throbs.

It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.

But, 3 days later, his Sherbet Dip Dab started to itch.

Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts!

St. George
02-17-2011, 08:28 AM
I was in a confectioners in Scotland the other day and overheard a conversation between the shopkeeper and a customer. The customer pointed and said, "Is that a cake or a meringue?" and the shopkeeper said "yer nay wrang it's a cake"

Further down the road I went into a pet shop and said "Can I have a wasp please?".
The assistant said "We don't sell wasps". I said, "well there's one in your window"

Then I called into the chippy and said to the owner, "Fish and Chips twice please". He said, "Alright, I heard you the first time". There was a horrendous fight in there though, the fish got battered and the potato got a black eye.

The Monk
02-19-2011, 10:19 AM
A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said. "A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi Do".

The Monk
02-19-2011, 10:20 AM
My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were $70!! Bollocks to this I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.
--
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
--
I walked past an Aboriginal sitting on the ground this arvo and he asked, "Any change mate?" I said no, you're still black.
--
A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time...
--
If you take your age and multiply it by 7, then multiply it by 1,443 the product repeats your age 3 times.

The Monk
02-19-2011, 10:21 AM
A young blonde female stock broker was bored with driving her BMW. It lacked individuality and besides that, every other girl in the office had one. She fancied something a bit more individual, perhaps a MG convertible.

That week she visited her local car dealer and spied a beautiful Jaguar XK140 convertible. It was wonderfully restored and she fell in love with its gorgeous red paint job. An empty check stub later and off she was tearing down the leafy country lanes enjoying her beautiful new car. Her long blonde hair was flowing in the wind, music blaring from the radio, what could possibly go wrong?

At that thought there was a splutter from the engine and the car slowly coasted to a stop. She got out and lifted the bonnet and concluded after a few minutes that she didn't have a bloody clue what was wrong. Luckily she had her mobile phone with her and a quick phone call to the roadside assist and a short wait saw a bright shiny yellow van pull up behind her.

"That's a lovely car," said the mechanic. "What seems to be the matter?" "Well, it just conked out I'm afraid." "Let me have look." He set to work and ten minutes later the engine was purring like a cat again.

"Thank goodness," she said. "What was the matter?" "Simple really, just crap in the carburettor," he replied. Looking shocked she asked, "Oh okay... how many times a week do I have to do that?"

The Monk
02-19-2011, 10:23 AM
A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the intersection. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in the water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was. The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favour to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"

redred
02-20-2011, 03:50 PM
little Tommy on the farm,runs inside "mummy!" "the bulls fucking the cow!"
"no Tommy you must be polite and say the bulls surprising the cow" his mum replies

later that day Tommy runs in again....."mummy the bull is surprising all the cows"
"no Tommy,the bull can't surprise all the cows" replies the mum
"yes he can" replies Tommy "he's fucking the horse"

The Monk
02-21-2011, 09:43 AM
:rofl:

Foxdana
02-21-2011, 10:22 AM
Why do ducks have flat webbed feet?
To stomp out forest fires.


Why do elephants have big flat feet?
To stomp out burning ducks.


These are seriously funny!! I can't believe I missed this thread until now!! Look forward to more :tup:

The Monk
02-22-2011, 09:55 AM
These are seriously funny!! I can't believe I missed this thread until now!! Look forward to more :tup:

You're as sick as him.....:lol:

The Monk
02-24-2011, 02:08 PM
A wife asks her husband, a software engineer; "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get six!"
A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why the hell did you buy six cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had eggs."

The Monk
02-24-2011, 02:12 PM
The barman says, "We don't serve time travellers in here."

A time traveller walks into a bar.

The Monk
02-24-2011, 02:12 PM
Sex is A Sensation
Caused by temptation.
A guy sticks his location
In a girls destination
To increase the population of
The next generation.
Do you get my explanation?

The Monk
02-24-2011, 02:15 PM
On my tombstone I want it to say:

'I didn't forward the text message to 15 friends'

The Monk
02-24-2011, 02:19 PM
Before there was the Internet, people probably spent a lot of time wondering what to do with all their pictures of cats.

The Monk
02-25-2011, 06:40 AM
My neighbour came knocking at my door at 2:30 this morning. Can you believe that 2:30 in the morning? Lucky for him I was still up playing my drums.

The Monk
02-25-2011, 06:41 AM
I went out with some friends last night and tied one on. Knowing that I had a little too much of the demon drink, I did something that I've never done before. I took the bus home! I arrived safe and warm, which seemed really surprising as I have never driven a bus before...

redred
02-26-2011, 10:05 AM
What's the best time to go to the dentist?
At toothhurty.

redred
02-26-2011, 10:05 AM
What did the ruler gain a reputation for while campaigning?
Straight talk.

redred
02-26-2011, 10:05 AM
What did one bolt of cloth say to the other bolt of cloth after hurting its feelings?
I'm sari.

redred
02-26-2011, 10:06 AM
What was the picture sent to jail?
It was framed.

redred
02-26-2011, 10:06 AM
Where does the catcher sit for dinner?
Behind the plate.

redred
02-26-2011, 10:06 AM
Why did the girl fall off the swing?
Because someone threw a piano at her.

redred
02-26-2011, 10:07 AM
What do you get when you cross a pond and a stream?
Wet feet.

redred
02-26-2011, 10:07 AM
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.

redred
03-14-2011, 01:50 PM
Paddys wife comes home from work, all her sex toys are nailed to the wall in a line, she screams 'you fucking dozy irish bastard, i wanted a dado rail !

Max
03-14-2011, 05:05 PM
What do you get when you cross a pond and a stream?
Wet feet.

I should be smacked for laughing at this one

redred
03-17-2011, 02:30 PM
I have just visited www.conjunctivitis.com
Thats a site for sore eyes!

redred
03-17-2011, 02:30 PM
Patient
"Doctor I think I have become addicted to Twitter!"
Doctor
"I'm sorry, I don't follow you"

Teh One Who Knocks
03-17-2011, 09:33 PM
Patient
"Doctor I think I have become addicted to Twitter!"
Doctor
"I'm sorry, I don't follow you"

:groan:

The Monk
03-18-2011, 10:16 AM
:groan:

It's taken you all this time to realise that.....:lol:

The Monk
03-20-2011, 11:00 AM
What do you call a fish with no eyes.....?




A fsh.....:lol:

redred
04-07-2011, 08:26 AM
Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

redred
04-07-2011, 08:26 AM
Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the
***** thing up.

redred
04-07-2011, 08:26 AM
Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "Me wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her ******husband!"

redred
04-07-2011, 08:27 AM
Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to
avoid a tree, then another, then another.

A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.

Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

Cop says "Mary Mother of Jesus, Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"

redred
04-07-2011, 08:27 AM
An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy" he replies.

redred
04-07-2011, 08:27 AM
Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

"What the hell you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.

"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't ***** breathe".

redred
04-07-2011, 08:28 AM
An answer I can understand. An American tourist asks an Irishman:

"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"


To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat"

dmni
04-07-2011, 10:16 AM
What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No idea.

dmni
04-07-2011, 10:16 AM
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea.

The Monk
04-09-2011, 01:59 PM
keep 'em coming....:mrgreen:

redred
04-14-2011, 05:45 PM
A mate of mine recently started drinking Brake fluid everyday,
I said to him to be careful he didn't become addicted to it but he says he can stop anytime he wants to.

redred
04-14-2011, 05:46 PM
I went to Blockbuster the other day and asked to rent Batman Forever, but the assistant said I could only have it for 3 days

Muddy
04-14-2011, 05:57 PM
Boy, these are bad.. :lol:

redred
04-15-2011, 06:49 PM
thank you:hi:

Goofy
04-15-2011, 06:51 PM
A kid gave his teacher a blank piece of paper.
Teacher: What is this?
Kid: It's a drawing of a cow eating grass.
Teacher: (looked at the paper) Where's the grass?
Kid: The cow ate all of it.
...Teacher: (looked at the paper again)Then, where's the cow?
Kid: It left because there was no more grass.

Thats actually pretty good :lol:


What's green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?
A pool table.

:facepalm:


What's blue and looks like a bucket?
A red bucket in disguise.

:doublefacepalm:


Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish.

"I think it's got epilepsy" he tells the vet.

Vet takes a look and says "It seems calm enough to me".

Paddy says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

Hahahahahaha

beowulf
04-15-2011, 08:43 PM
Two blondes had driven across the country to see Disney World in Florida.

As they approached it and got onto the final stretch of highway, they saw a sign saying "Disney World Left!"

After thinking for a minute, the driver blonde said "Oh well!" and started driving back home.

beowulf
04-15-2011, 08:47 PM
The World Diving Series starts soon.

My money is on Christiano Ronaldo.

beowulf
04-15-2011, 08:47 PM
Teacher to class: "What does your dad do at weekends?".

Little Boy: "He's a dancer in a gay bar and sometimes if the money's right he lets punters bang his arse and cum in his gob".

Teacher takes him outside, "Is that true?".
...
Little boy: "No miss, it's bollocks. He plays for manchester united but I'm too embarrassed to say".

beowulf
04-15-2011, 08:50 PM
Finally David Cameron has said about cutting immigrants in the U.K although i was disapointed when i realised he meant not letting them in, i sighed as i put my collection of knives back in the cupboard

beowulf
04-15-2011, 08:52 PM
Apparently, if you listen to Justin Bieber's album in reverse, you hear messages to Satan.
But even worse, if you listen to it normally, you hear Justin Bieber.

beowulf
04-15-2011, 08:56 PM
This is the last time I tell anybody that I do not want to be cloned.

I will not repeat myself.

beowulf
04-15-2011, 08:58 PM
I was teaching a group of muslim students how to line dance yesterday......

They seemed to be doing alright until the fucking train hit them!

beowulf
04-15-2011, 08:59 PM
The French want to ban Burkas.

They've obviously never seen a fucking Muslim woman without one!

beowulf
04-15-2011, 09:00 PM
Be careful if you go out driving today, driving conditions are awful! Ive just come off the road and hit a muslim!!
It took me 10 minutes, 2 fields and a golf course, but I got the fucker!!

redred
04-24-2011, 12:38 AM
Child walks in on his farther taking a shower......

Child: (pointing at farthers privates) Daddy whats that?

Farther: Its a ....erm.....a...hedgehog!

Child: A hedgehog??? well its got a massive knob on it eh?

redred
04-24-2011, 09:04 PM
My 1 day employment

So after landing my new job as an Asda greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

I said pleasantly, ' Good morning and welcome to Asda.

Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'


The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7.

Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Asda.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work .

Southern Belle
04-24-2011, 09:25 PM
:tup:

redred
05-05-2011, 01:33 PM
I find that at any time the temptation to sing "The Lion sleeps tonight" Is never more than a whim away

redred
05-05-2011, 01:33 PM
I Bet Osama Bin Laden regrets filling in that census form now.

Teh One Who Knocks
05-06-2011, 12:47 AM
I find that at any time the temptation to sing "The Lion sleeps tonight" Is never more than a whim away

:facepalm:

The Monk
05-06-2011, 01:45 AM
:facepalm:



They don't get any better do they........

Teh One Who Knocks
05-06-2011, 12:19 PM
They don't get any better do they........

Not at all :lol:

redred
05-06-2011, 01:02 PM
oh come on you laughed at that loin sleeps tonight joke didn't you :lol:

beowulf
05-06-2011, 01:05 PM
Paddy and Murphy walk out of the zoo, blood pouring everywhere. Paddy says to Murphy . . that's the last time i go lion dancing!

beowulf
05-13-2011, 11:14 AM
The bank manager refused to give me a loan to start my new pig cleaning business.

He said it was hogwash.

beowulf
05-13-2011, 11:14 AM
Submitted my mates jimmy and alan to that online car valuation website.
Fucking liars - seems like they don't buy any Carr.

beowulf
05-13-2011, 11:19 AM
What's the difference between Princess Diana and Katie Price?
Princess Diana dies in a car crash and the whole world mourns
Katie Price SURVIVES a car crash and the whole world mourns

beowulf
05-13-2011, 11:20 AM
So I hear Katie Price is getting married again,

She's had more grooms than a Krufts champion.

beowulf
05-13-2011, 11:21 AM
Apparently Jordan has Clark Kent tattooed on one of her ankles and Superman on the other

you never see them together!

beowulf
05-13-2011, 11:22 AM
It has just occurred to me the obvious similarities between Kary Price and Frankenstien's monster. Both are unnatural attempts at beauty that went horribly wrong, and are now left to wonder aimlessly with a bellow average intelligence and hated by everyone.

beowulf
05-23-2011, 03:34 PM
Barack Obama is visiting Ireland to retrace his heritage.
I think you've got Donegal mixed up with Senegal there mate.

beowulf
05-23-2011, 03:35 PM
So firstly Obama was believed to be from Pakistan,
Now it turns out he's from Ireland.

Either way he's a fucking terrorist.

beowulf
05-23-2011, 03:37 PM
Imogen Thomas is rumoured to be going on this years "Im a celebrity". Her agent must be amazing, gets her all the best gigs

beowulf
05-23-2011, 03:39 PM
So if this 'mystery' footballer is successful in suing Twitter, over 4,200 megabytes of tweets will have to be deleted. So basically its over 4 Giggs.

beowulf
05-23-2011, 03:39 PM
Footballer targets Twitter in privacy fight?
The player, identified only by the initials CTB?

Cheating taffy bastard.

beowulf
05-23-2011, 03:41 PM
I've just finished watching the new Jack Sparrow Yoga Video, Pilates of the Caribbean.

beowulf
05-23-2011, 03:45 PM
Wayne Rooney shaved the number 19 into his chest hair following Man United's record breaking premiership win yesterday.

I hope he remembered to ask a grown up to help him with that sharp object.

beowulf
05-23-2011, 03:50 PM
A taliban walks into a school with his favourate goat.
The headmaster stops them and says 'hey, no filthy animals allowed on school property.'
The Taliban responds 'dont talk about my animal like that.'
The headmaster replied 'i wasn't talking about your goat'.

beowulf
05-23-2011, 03:51 PM
What do you call an Afghan virgin? never Bin-Laid-On

beowulf
05-23-2011, 03:51 PM
What do terrorists take to protests?

Tali- banners.

beowulf
05-23-2011, 03:54 PM
You know you're Taliban if...

You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.

You own a 3000 quid machine gun and 5000 quid rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.

You have more wives than teeth.

You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.

You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.

You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.

You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.

You've often uttered the phrase, 'I love what you've done with your cave.'

You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.

You bathe at least monthly whether necessary or not.

You've ever had a crush on your neighbour's goat.

beowulf
05-23-2011, 03:55 PM
A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune.

"One British SAS soldier is better than ten Taliban".

The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then silence. The voice then calls out "One British SAS soldier is better than one hundred Taliban".

Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge gunfight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence. The voice calls out again "One British SAS soldier is better than one thousand Taliban".

The enraged Taliban Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannon, rocket and machine gun fire ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap, ...there's actually two of them."

beowulf
05-23-2011, 03:56 PM
Police are investigating a dead Taliban found floating in Michael Barrymore's swimming pool.

Apparently he was a suicide bummer.

beowulf
05-23-2011, 03:58 PM
It's been reported that the Taliban soldiers say sheep are perfect to detect mines.

They send them into a field and if they're blown up, they have dinner; if they make it through alive, they have a date.

beowulf
05-28-2011, 08:07 PM
I've just got my first acting job, it's in a film called '147'

It could be my big break.

beowulf
05-28-2011, 08:10 PM
What do you call a Dwarf who wants to fuck Hugh Grant?


Midget Jones.

beowulf
05-28-2011, 08:10 PM
So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

beowulf
05-28-2011, 08:12 PM
I Heard the Energizer Bunny has been arrested?
He was charged with battery.

beowulf
05-28-2011, 08:14 PM
'Knock knock'.

"Who's there?"

"Cheryl Cole."

"Sorry, you'll have to speak more clearly, try again."

beowulf
05-28-2011, 08:15 PM
I rang Cheryl Cole's agent yesterday to see when she'd be back from America?

He said, "When the boat comes in."

beowulf
05-28-2011, 08:16 PM
Sky News-"Cheryl Cole 'In Talks With Cowell'"

Simon has asked Ant and Dec to translate

beowulf
05-28-2011, 08:20 PM
Can't understand why Fulham have just erected a statue of Michael Jackson at their ground when he's got no connection with the club? If it had been one of George Michael it would have made more sense, as I read somewhere that he's quite a famous cottager.

beowulf
05-28-2011, 08:21 PM
Of all the things that Darth Vader lost when the Death Star blew up, it was the destruction of his George Michael box set that affected him most deeply.

He finds his lack of Faith disturbing.

beowulf
05-28-2011, 08:22 PM
Justin Bieber has announced he's to release a female fragrance which is to be named after the last woman who took him to bed

It's called "Mum".

beowulf
05-28-2011, 08:25 PM
Just heard what Philip said to Obama when they met earlier this week: Oh you're not dead, thought they buried you at sea?

redred
06-07-2011, 04:49 PM
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

redred
06-07-2011, 04:50 PM
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.
My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" "Well”, says the vet, "Let's have a look at him."

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"Why, because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy

beowulf
06-07-2011, 11:10 PM
I wouldn't want to be in Ryan Giggs's shoes. Apparently his family in Wales are so pissed off with him that when he walks in the room they start speaking in English.

beowulf
06-07-2011, 11:10 PM
New adult movie about a woman who sleeps with a cup winning footballer and his Non-League brother:

Two Giggs, One Cup

beowulf
06-07-2011, 11:11 PM
I don't get all this talk about Ryan Giggs to be honest.

It's not like he's the top scorer this season compared to Rooney or Terry...

beowulf
06-07-2011, 11:13 PM
Wayne Rooney has used Colleens pubes for his hair transplant, apparently the success rate is much higher from one cunt to another.

beowulf
06-07-2011, 11:14 PM
Wayne Rooney On Twitter: "It's still a bit bruised and swollen."

Bloody hell Wayne, what fucking old Munter have you been sticking it in now?

beowulf
06-07-2011, 11:15 PM
The Brazilian, The Landing Strip, The French, The Hollywood... most girls go through great pains to have hair removed from their cunts, Colleen Rooney has done the opposite.

beowulf
06-07-2011, 11:15 PM
Wig and Wag.

Wayne and Coleen Rooney

beowulf
06-07-2011, 11:16 PM
Wayne Rooney is sitting in the recovery room when the surgeon walks in.

"How are you feeling?" asks the surgeon.

"I feel terrible" says his new hair. "I was drugged, and when I woke up I found this fucking big boil growing out of my arse."

beowulf
06-07-2011, 11:17 PM
The specialists in charge of Wayne Rooney's hair transplant have announced that their next project will be to attempt to polish a turd.

redred
06-08-2011, 03:33 PM
What has 8 legs and 1 eye?

2 chairs and half a fish :lol:

Leefro
06-08-2011, 03:41 PM
When I was a kid my dad would say, Lee do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster.

Leefro
06-08-2011, 03:42 PM
I caught my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, "Get off of me, you two!"

Leefro
06-08-2011, 03:42 PM
My girlfriend always giggles during sex. No matter what she's reading

redred
06-08-2011, 03:46 PM
:lol:

Leefro
06-08-2011, 03:57 PM
When I was ten, my family moved to Birkenhead Liverpool . When I was twelve, I found them.

Leefro
06-08-2011, 03:57 PM
London is such a wonderful city. Although I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, "I'd like a card." He says, "You have to prove you're a citizen of London ." So I stabbed him

Leefro
06-08-2011, 03:58 PM
Always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said: "A truck!

Leefro
06-08-2011, 03:58 PM
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.

Leefro
06-08-2011, 03:59 PM
I was with this girl the other night and from the way she was responding to my skillful caresses, you would have sworn that she was conscious from the top of her head to the tag on her toes

Leefro
06-08-2011, 03:59 PM
In our school you were searched for guns and knifes on the way in and if you didn't have any, they gave you some.

Leefro
06-08-2011, 04:00 PM
I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming. They don't know I'm only using blanks.

beowulf
06-15-2011, 02:48 PM
My wife just showed me a picture of David Walliams done up as Pippa Middleton in Heat magazine. It was hard not to see the amazing similarity.

The minute I looked at the photograph, I thought "What an arse."

beowulf
06-15-2011, 02:49 PM
BBC News: Actor Sean Bean is stabbed outside a Pub.

I wonder if it was something Sharpe that did it?

beowulf
06-15-2011, 02:51 PM
I'm going out dressed as Fernando Torres tonight. I'm not planning to score.

beowulf
06-15-2011, 02:52 PM
What do you do if Fernando Torres scores?

Turn off your gaming console and get some sleep.

beowulf
06-15-2011, 02:53 PM
Ryan Giggs was playing Kill/Shag/Marry
Struggled to answer to Imogen, His Brother's Wife and a Sheep

beowulf
06-15-2011, 02:54 PM
What is the similarity between Imogen Thomas and Fernando Torres?

Up until a couple of months ago, both were fucking good footballers

beowulf
06-15-2011, 02:55 PM
Ryan Giggs has admitted he has an addiction and reckons he will still have sex at 75.

Very honest of him seeing as he lives at 24.

beowulf
06-15-2011, 02:56 PM
I really hope The Beatles don't try and reunite like all these other veteran rock bands...

They'd only be half the band they used to be!

beowulf
06-15-2011, 02:57 PM
My wife said, "We were going to have Meatloaf for dinner, but then I remembered you puked last time."

"You took the words right out of my mouth," I replied.

beowulf
06-15-2011, 02:58 PM
I tried to pull this girl the other night by telling her I knew Shania Twain. It didn't impress her much.

beowulf
06-15-2011, 02:58 PM
My girlfriend said to me "Michael Ball has got fat" I said back "how did you know I've named the left one Michael"?

Leefro
07-05-2011, 05:49 PM
the missis has bought herself a pair of meatloaf knickers on the front it says 'ill do anything for love' and on the back 'but i wont do that!!'

Leefro
07-05-2011, 05:57 PM
my aunt has a job circumscising elephants at the zoo...the pay is rubbish but the tips are enormous!!

redred
07-05-2011, 06:59 PM
"Last time we changed to British Summer Time i walked in on my dyslexic mate rubbing boot polish on his penis. I said "No, you're supposed to turn your clock back...""

redred
07-05-2011, 07:00 PM
I used to do loads of Drugs in the 80s & 90s...
Now I don't care what the temperature is!

redred
07-31-2011, 08:39 PM
two fleas on a fanny.one is a junkie.one is a mugger.how do you tell them apart?the junkie is sniffing the crack and the mugger is hiding in the bush

Teh One Who Knocks
08-01-2011, 01:25 PM
:facepalm:

redred
08-01-2011, 01:53 PM
I had a Pelican curry at my local Indian restaurant.....

It wasn't bad but the bill was enormous!