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JoeyB
10-03-2011, 08:23 PM
In this thread, of which you are reading, I will post suggestions for your new lifestyle. Which you must follow or you will suffer terribly and have to send 5000 copies of this thread to your friends.

Ready for a new you? Post and let me know. I will mold you into the person you should be. Mold your body like clay...like soft wet clay in my hands as I stroke and fondle your flesh.

Godfather
10-03-2011, 08:25 PM
Today is my day off. I used it to set up my new High-Def PVR box, and it is now 1:30pm and I have yet to put on pants.

My girlfriend wants me to come out and hang with her when she gets home, but I'm lazy as fuck and have to iron shirts and do laundry for the week ahead.

JoeyB
10-03-2011, 08:27 PM
it is now 1:30pm and I have yet to put on pants.

It's 3:30 here and I am writing to you while wearing a t shirt and underwear.

You my friend, are already living life as you should.

Godfather
10-03-2011, 08:31 PM
Well look at that :lol: Go me

JoeyB
10-04-2011, 04:53 AM
Seriously, who wants me to fix them? And mind you, I might well literally 'fix' you. You don't need those balls anyway, they just make your underwear crowded.

DemonGeminiX
10-04-2011, 05:40 AM
:-k

I think I could use a better haircut.

JoeyB
10-04-2011, 05:44 AM
:-k

I think I could use a better haircut.

Mohawk, colored half charcoal gray and half safety orange.

Top of your head and your pubes.

Also, wear super short girlie jeans so the pubehawk tufts can poke out a bit.

DemonGeminiX
10-04-2011, 06:01 AM
:-s

But I don't like Mohawks.

Hal-9000
10-04-2011, 06:06 AM
pubehawk tufts just game me imagery that won't allow me to even look a person with a mohawk again :lol:

Hal-9000
10-04-2011, 06:07 AM
No, I am not posting here for lifestyle suggestions * I was just passing through









*I don't think anyone could cope with a wall of blue text that big

Jezter
10-04-2011, 06:16 AM
Inappropriate lifestyle suggestions, huh? And here I was thinking I got that down already... Oh teach me, great blue master.

JoeyB
10-04-2011, 06:23 AM
:-s

But I don't like Mohawks.

Do it. It will change the way you see the world, and how you interact with people. So radical will this change be that it will actually alter your brain chemistry and prevent any form of dementia or Alzheimer's from setting in for a period of time no less than ten years. Ten years motherfucker. Ten years.


pubehawk tufts just game me imagery that won't allow me to even look a person with a mohawk again :lol:

Excellent.


No, I am not posting here for lifestyle suggestions * I was just passing through









*I don't think anyone could cope with a wall of blue text that big

I could.


Inappropriate lifestyle suggestions, huh? And here I was thinking I got that down already... Oh teach me, great blue master.

You need to always wear super tight pleather pants in a soft brown color. And sky blue mesh t-shirts, cut to above your belly button and with NO SLEEVES WHATSOEVER. And you should cover your upper arms in jelly and jam and never, ever, offer an explanation for this whatsoever. But when asked, lick a little spot clean while suggestively eyeing the crotch of whomever posed the query.

Also, walk like a Viking and command attention whenever you strut into a room.

And, same hair advice for you as for DGX...however, you may try altering your Mohawk from the traditional front to back cut by running it ear to ear instead.

But be warned, if you do the ear to ear Mohawk, do not use the color scheme I suggested to DGX, instead, alternate lime green and plum purple stripes. Otherwise, you'll just look like a tool.

Jezter
10-04-2011, 06:48 AM
You need to always wear super tight pleather pants in a soft brown color. And sky blue mesh t-shirts, cut to above your belly button and with NO SLEEVES WHATSOEVER. And you should cover your upper arms in jelly and jam and never, ever, offer an explanation for this whatsoever. But when asked, lick a little spot clean while suggestively eyeing the crotch of whomever posed the query.
Yea I can see how this would lead to some very inappropriate and weird situations! I do have one pair of brown pants..and several sky blue shirts... It is a little bit scary.



Also, walk like a Viking and command attention whenever you strut into a room.
This I already do! :tup: :lol:



And, same hair advice for you as for DGX...however, you may try altering your Mohawk from the traditional front to back cut by running it ear to ear instead.

But be warned, if you do the ear to ear Mohawk, do not use the color scheme I suggested to DGX, instead, alternate lime green and plum purple stripes. Otherwise, you'll just look like a tool.

I sometimes already have a semi-mohawkish thing going on...but ear to ear and with that color scheme... That is quite something. :-k :lol:

JoeyB
10-04-2011, 06:52 AM
Yea I can see how this would lead to some very inappropriate and weird situations! I do have one pair of brown pants..and several sky blue shirts... It is a little bit scary.

This I already do! :tup: :lol:


I sometimes already have a semi-mohawkish thing going on...but ear to ear and with that color scheme... That is quite something. :-k :lol:

Don't question, just do.

Also, your sig here should include this catchy phrase:


My vagina weeps for you.

Jezter
10-04-2011, 06:59 AM
Don't question, just do.

Also, your sig here should include this catchy phrase:


My vagina weeps for you.
Shouldn't this phrase be a quote from allsmiles or something? :lol:

JoeyB
10-04-2011, 07:09 AM
Shouldn't this phrase be a quote from allsmiles or something? :lol:

Lifestyle advice: never question the lifestyle advice. Add it to your sig.

Joebob034
10-04-2011, 03:13 PM
Fix me

MrsM
10-04-2011, 03:16 PM
I may regret this - but I could use a lifestyle change as well

Muddy
10-04-2011, 04:34 PM
You need to always wear super tight pleather pants in a soft brown color. And sky blue mesh t-shirts, cut to above your belly button and with NO SLEEVES WHATSOEVER. And you should cover your upper arms in jelly and jam and never, ever, offer an explanation for this whatsoever. But when asked, lick a little spot clean while suggestively eyeing the crotch of whomever posed the query.

Also, walk like a Viking and command attention whenever you strut into a room.

And, same hair advice for you as for DGX...however, you may try altering your Mohawk from the traditional front to back cut by running it ear to ear instead.

But be warned, if you do the ear to ear Mohawk, do not use the color scheme I suggested to DGX, instead, alternate lime green and plum purple stripes. Otherwise, you'll just look like a tool.

:lol: Wow..

Noilly Pratt
10-04-2011, 04:35 PM
Seriously, who wants me to fix them? And mind you, I might well literally 'fix' you. You don't need those balls anyway, they just make your underwear crowded.

You assume he actually wears underwear....


I may regret this - but I could use a lifestyle change as well

As could I. I think I might regret it as well...but, lay it on me, JoeyB....but no spandex or pleather for me...the world as such is not ready for such a sight. Men should not wear pleather, "Rock the spandex" or even be permitted to utter such nonsense. Such stuff is better reserved for the sleeker lines of the female of the species.

JoeyB
10-04-2011, 08:31 PM
Fix me

I can't fix everyone. But what the hell. First...ask no questions, but I'm going to need between four and twelve fresh corpses, an 800 gallon tank full of human embryonic fluids, and something that can capture lightning, preferably some stupid skateboard kid with a kite, a metal key, and no sense whatsoever of physics.

In an unrelated matter, do you think it wise that humans only have the two hands? We'll discuss this in more depth later on, crab boy.

In the meantime. Add this to your sig and when in public, openly leer and creepily smile at all women with large tits.

Sig quote: "Somedays I wake up and feel like nobody loves me. Other days I wake up and feel like I love nobody. Sometimes I wake up and feel tired, and worn out. Sometimes I wake up and feel like I cannot face the day. But someday I'll wake up and realize that waking up is pretty stupid because it just makes you feel like crap.".


I may regret this - but I could use a lifestyle change as well

This is the new you: 1950's American housewife. Proper, cheerful, welcoming demeanor. A good hostess, a good homemaker. An inspiration to ladies of culture and class everywhere. Martha Stewart will weep in your presence. You will always display pride in your appearance, wearing a dress while cooking. Pearl necklace, always. Fine hair, make up. And under your skirt a huge strap-on that you use to subjugate your household slaves. Subjugate those motherfuckers! You will rule with an iron fist and a silicone phallus. None shall question you.

And of course, all your neighbours will always remark on how clean your house is, how presentable, and the fine manners you display to every guests, even the drunken ones who break your fine tea cups when they are drinking whiskey, whiskey they smuggled into your house and that should never have been poured into your fine teacups in the first place, and who will suffer terribly before you have the larger man slaves bury the mangled corpse in your immaculately maintained rose garden.


As could I. I think I might regret it as well...but, lay it on me, JoeyB....but no spandex or pleather for me...the world as such is not ready for such a sight. Men should not wear pleather, "Rock the spandex" or even be permitted to utter such nonsense. Such stuff is better reserved for the sleeker lines of the female of the species.

I agree, spandex is best reserved for those sleeker feminine lines. So, starting today, you need to be taking massive amounts of Estrogen to begin transformation to the sparkling new you...Noilette! You'll be the very image of punky independence, sassy, vibrant, warm and inviting.

Now, go fetch some garden shears and meet me behind your house. And umm, you might bring a clean towel or two. :-k:-s:shock:

Starting from this moment forward, I want you to address everyone as 'MoFo' and never, ever use any words containing the letters 'x' 'q' or 't'.

Also, call everyone you know tonight and say nothing to them. Not even hello. Just breathe heavily and perhaps smack your lips a bit in a disapproving fashion. Take extensive notes as to who responds how. We'll need those notes for phase two...

Noilly Pratt
10-04-2011, 09:10 PM
JoeyB...

I already am "the very image of punky independence, sassy, vibrant, warm and inviting."

Punky Independence - I drive a minivan. With Mags. I have another minivan that I can't sell -- I'm thinking of painting it in the Scooby Doo colours. It's already green and tan.
Sassy - My haircut resembles Dorothy Hamill, who we all know was "short and sassy". I'm tall (6'2") and sassy.
http://i52.tinypic.com/bed7cm.jpg
Vibrant - this can mean "to vibrate to produce sound". Give me enough coffee and listen. I'll chat all day and be bouncing off the walls.
Warm - My 8 year old snuggles up to me because I radiate so much warmth.
Inviting - I invited my nephew to Google +. So there.

I think I'll save up for the operation instead of goin' round back and lettin' you use them clippers. But thanks...:mrgreen:

Noilly Pratt
10-04-2011, 09:14 PM
Might I suggest...



Sig quote: "Somedays I wake up [SNIP] because it just makes you feel like crap.".

Brevity is the soul of wit.

Hal-9000
10-04-2011, 09:19 PM
the blue is back :lol:

Teh One Who Knocks
10-04-2011, 09:27 PM
Can I be a fondue stirrer? :-k

Hal-9000
10-04-2011, 09:32 PM
Can I be a fondue stirrer? :-k

We're having chocolate tonight! :cheerlead:


*bends over*

Teh One Who Knocks
10-04-2011, 09:58 PM
We're having chocolate tonight! :cheerlead:


*bends over*

http://i.imgur.com/x2WoB.gif

JoeyB
10-04-2011, 10:18 PM
JoeyB...

I already am "the very image of punky independence, sassy, vibrant, warm and inviting."

Punky Independence - I drive a minivan. With Mags. I have another minivan that I can't sell -- I'm thinking of painting it in the Scooby Doo colours. It's already green and tan.
Sassy - My haircut resembles Dorothy Hamill, who we all know was "short and sassy". I'm tall (6'2") and sassy.
http://i52.tinypic.com/bed7cm.jpg
Vibrant - this can mean "to vibrate to produce sound". Give me enough coffee and listen. I'll chat all day and be bouncing off the walls.
Warm - My 8 year old snuggles up to me because I radiate so much warmth.
Inviting - I invited my nephew to Google +. So there.

I think I'll save up for the operation instead of goin' round back and lettin' you use them clippers. But thanks...:mrgreen:

Pfft, try and save a 'guy' some money...but have it your way lady.


Can I be a fondue stirrer? :-k

No, my plans for you are not fondue related.

MrsM
10-05-2011, 12:20 AM
[COLOR="blue"]This is the new you: 1950's American housewife. Proper, cheerful, welcoming demeanor. A good hostess, a good homemaker. An inspiration to ladies of culture and class everywhere. Martha Stewart will weep in your presence. You will always display pride in your appearance, wearing a dress while cooking. Pearl necklace, always. Fine hair, make up. And under your skirt a huge strap-on that you use to subjugate your household slaves. Subjugate those motherfuckers! You will rule with an iron fist and a silicone phallus. None shall question you.

And of course, all your neighbours will always remark on how clean your house is, how presentable, and the fine manners you display to every guests, even the drunken ones who break your fine tea cups when they are drinking whiskey, whiskey they smuggled into your house and that should never have been poured into your fine teacups in the first place, and who will suffer terribly before you have the larger man slaves bury the mangled corpse in your immaculately maintained rose garden.



Done and Done - strap-on locked and loaded :tup:

Hal-9000
10-05-2011, 02:14 AM
Done and Done - strap-on locked and loaded :tup:

I can help with the pearl necklace :face:

deebakes
10-05-2011, 03:01 AM
please post suggestions for my new lifestyle of not using smilies on this forum. thank you in advance.

MrsM
10-05-2011, 03:29 AM
I can help with the pearl necklace :face:

Sorry Hal - he said proper wife

JoeyB
10-05-2011, 05:01 AM
Done and Done - strap-on locked and loaded :tup:


I can help with the pearl necklace :face:

Two more happy customers.


please post suggestions for my new lifestyle of not using smilies on this forum. thank you in advance.

Forget smilies. Listen, what you need is a massive lifestyle makeover.

For you...Elvis. That's right, from now on your life is an Elvis musical. At wildly inappropriate times you shall break out into song and dance.

Buying gas and a coke at a service station? Jump up on the counter and belt out 'Route 66' while you sweep the table top free of errant slurpees, overpriced candy bars, and the odd child in a car seat.

Library time? No 'shh' for you...nope, you will lead all the readers in a beautiful synchronized dance routine, and then dry hump a librarian of your choice.

About to be anal raped in jail? What better time to wiggle your ass to a joyous rendition of 'like a virgin'.

Oh and, you should change your name to Herschel Wehrenbacher. Snigger. I can't tell you why but those who have read the 'what are you watching' thread might know.

Softdreamer
10-05-2011, 01:12 PM
I am looking for suggestions for a new hobby...

One that doesnt involve porn or dead things.. so my mind draws a blank.. Dear JoeyB, can you help.

Jezter
10-05-2011, 03:36 PM
I am looking for suggestions for a new hobby...

One that doesnt involve porn or dead things.. so my mind draws a blank.. Dear JoeyB, can you help.

Sex and living things?


:rimshot:





I'll get me coat.

JoeyB
10-05-2011, 09:30 PM
I am looking for suggestions for a new hobby...

One that doesnt involve porn or dead things.. so my mind draws a blank.. Dear JoeyB, can you help.

Fight club.


Sex and living things?


:rimshot:





I'll get me coat.

I said no coats Jez! Just the jelly and jam 'sleeves'.

deebakes
10-05-2011, 11:55 PM
Thank ya, thank ya very much....









I like it better the other way :lwank:

JoeyB
10-06-2011, 04:17 AM
Thank ya, thank ya very much....









I like it better the other way :lwank:

You...like it better the other way?

Silly boy, perhaps we have a failure to communicate here, but you will adapt to your new lifestyle, or you will spend a month in the custody of Jez.

And Jez is a cruel, cruel mistress. Just the fact that he is a mistress should be enough to motivate your compliance...

deebakes
10-06-2011, 04:19 AM
You...like it better the other way?

Silly boy, perhaps we have a failure to communicate here, but you will adapt to your new lifestyle, or you will spend a month in the custody of Jez.

And Jez is a cruel, cruel mistress. Just the fact that he is a mistress should be enough to motivate your compliance...

:hitit:

:lwank:

:dance: :cheerlead:

Jezter
10-06-2011, 07:29 AM
Fight club.



I said no coats Jez! Just the jelly and jam 'sleeves'.
But it is sticky...and all the bugs attack me....

You...like it better the other way?

Silly boy, perhaps we have a failure to communicate here, but you will adapt to your new lifestyle, or you will spend a month in the custody of Jez.

And Jez is a cruel, cruel mistress. Just the fact that he is a mistress should be enough to motivate your compliance...
Im not! Don't listen to him, Dee! You'd love it here! You could help me jam and jelly up my body and slip me into the leather and what not JoeyB suggested to spice up my life even more.

:hitit:

:lwank:

:dance: :cheerlead:
You'd hit me? But only cuz you love me, right? :lol:

deebakes
10-06-2011, 11:39 AM
:tup:

JoeyB
10-06-2011, 08:16 PM
Im not! Don't listen to him, Dee! You'd love it here! You could help me jam and jelly up my body and slip me into the leather and what not JoeyB suggested to spice up my life even more.

Dee...

...it's a trap dude.

Jezter
10-06-2011, 08:28 PM
Dee...

...it's a trap dude.

But Dee likes traps... play that tug of war with cyclops...

Joebob034
10-06-2011, 08:33 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=piVnArp9ZE0&feature=related

JoeyB
10-06-2011, 08:35 PM
But Dee likes traps... play that tug of war with cyclops...

Dee...I release you out of my deep sense of humanity, you may ignore your lifestyle makeover obligations...now run like the wind boy, run like the wind.

Jezter
10-06-2011, 08:41 PM
Dee...I release you out of my deep sense of humanity, you may ignore your lifestyle makeover obligations...now run like the wind boy, run like the wind.

I blew it for Dee, didn't I? :(
I think I need the change more than I realized... :(

JoeyB
10-06-2011, 09:41 PM
I blew it for Dee, didn't I? :(
I think I need the change more than I realized... :(

No, you're fine just the way you are.