Goofs random joke thread (do not view if easily offended)

[Goofy]

I walked into the pub toilet earlier, spotted a bloke at the urinals, and made my way to the cubicle.

Bloke laughed and said, "Embarrassed about your penis, hey, lad?"

A bit embarrassed, I said; "Of course not!" And made my way over to the urinal next to him.

What a hypocrite, he sure seemed embarrassed watching me take a shit.

[Goofy]

Just got back to Britain from Libya, what a fucking nightmare!

The constant threat of violence from gun toting arabs; a leader who's completely lost touch with his people; every white person in sight looking completely terrified and trying their best to hold on to their belongings and their lives, stuck in what is essentially a muslim country with no where to turn!

I wish i'd stayed in fucking Libya.

[Goofy]

My wife has asked me to get her some gloves to wear at her mother's funeral.

Does anyone know where I can buy those giant foam fingers?

[Goofy]

I met two girls down the pub last night who had strong Cardiff accents.
I said, "I know that accent. You two ladies are from Scotland, aren't you?"
"Wales, you fucking idiot," one of them replied.
"Sorry," I said, "You two whales are from Scotland, aren't you?"

[Goofy]

Women fucking drivers! I was behind one on my way home from work and she indicated to turn left and what does she go and do? She actually turns left!

How am I supposed to prepare myself with these fucking mind games?

[Goofy]

I was at my divorce settlement yesterday, when I announced I would like to make a suggestion.
They agreed, so, I told them, "She can have the car, the house, all the funds in our joint account and full custody of our children on one condition... I get to keep whatever I have in my pocket."

"It's a fucking deal," my wife said, with a smug look on her face.

"You obviously didn't check the lottery numbers last night, did you?"

[Goofy]

Fucking police. The woman over the road stands naked in her window watching me having a wank and I'm the pervert?

[Goofy]

If you watch 127 hours backwards it's an uplifting story about a disabled man finding an arm in the desert.

[Goofy]

My wife came back from the garage today having paid £750 to have two tyres changed.

"Bloody hell," I said, "He must've seen you coming!"

She said, "Bollocks, did I get ripped off?"

"Oh, no," I replied, "you're just a fat bitch."

[Goofy]

Women are so bloody hypocritical, always complaining that men can't get their bra's off during foreplay..

..Well you can stop being so judgemental ladies. I've been "on the scene" for a while now, and not one of you has been able to pull my balaclava off

[Goofy]

I recently convinced my girlfriend to convert to Catholicism with me. I feel very strongly about the positive influence the church has on millions of people around the world.

Also, it was the only way to get her to stop using condoms and try anal instead.

[Goofy]

If you haven't read the bible, don't bother. It's shit.
The main character dies.

[Goofy]

My wife was quite pissed off because I sent a video of our 4 year old son falling over into You've been Framed.

What an idiot! I was planning on putting the £250 prize money towards his funeral costs.

[Goofy]

My wife tried on her new swimming costume today.

I said, "You look like that comedian in that."

She said, "You'd better not mean Jo Brand, you cheeky sod."

I said, "No, Bernard Manning you fat cunt."

[Goofy]

Those Libyans seem to really be pissed off.

Maybe Doc should give them their Plutonium back.

[Goofy]

My mate asked me what I thought was the most annoying song of all time, I said,

"Em, without doubt, that one by the crazy frog."

"Oh, the Axel F one?" He
asked.

"No," I replied, "My heart will go on."

[Goofy]

A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had tits bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are, the dumber the person is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger cocks than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are ... the dumber the person is."

Again satisfied with his answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again.

He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

[Goofy]

If a tree falls on a women and no one is around to hear her........
















Why is a tree in the kitchen?

[Teh One Who Knocks]

I met two girls down the pub last night who had strong Cardiff accents.
I said, "I know that accent. You two ladies are from Scotland, aren't you?"
"Wales, you fucking idiot," one of them replied.
"Sorry," I said, "You two whales are from Scotland, aren't you?"

:lol:

[Kulkan]

Women are so bloody hypocritical, always complaining that men can't get their bra's off during foreplay..

..Well you can stop being so judgemental ladies. I've been "on the scene" for a while now, and not one of you has been able to pull my balaclava off


You are teh funneh Goofy! The above made laugh my ass off :lmao:

[PorkChopSandwiches]

Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning: "Windows frozen."

Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 mins later: "Computer completely fucked now."

[Hal-9000]

My wife came back from the garage today having paid £750 to have two tyres changed.

"Bloody hell," I said, "He must've seen you coming!"

She said, "Bollocks, did I get ripped off?"

"Oh, no," I replied, "you're just a fat bitch."

had to read it twice :lol:

[Goofy]

Americans are great at proving stereotypes with their government,

They put a Texan in charge and they went looking for oil.

They placed a black man in charge and now it's run out of money and stopped working.





8-[

[Goofy]

A Muslim lady told me that we can't ban the burka because in England we can wear whatever we want.

I'm putting on my Peppa Pig mask and my "Mohammed was a paedo" t-shirt and heading down to the mosque right now.

[Goofy]

Scientists have discovered a chemical in Cannabis that once in your system can change your life.

It`s called "Fuck it."

[The Monk]

A couple from a circus go to an adoption agency, but social workers are doubtful about their accommodation. So they produce photos of their 15 metre long caravan, the back half of which is a beautifully equipped nursery.

The social workers then are doubtful about the education that would be provided. "We've employed an Oxford don who'll teach the child all the subjects along with Mandarin and ICT skills".

There are then doubts expressed about the child's healthy upbringing.

"Our full time nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet" they reply.

So the social workers are finally satisfied, and ask what age of child they were looking for...

"It doesn't really matter" they say "so long as he fits in the cannon".

[Goofy]

My missus dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled, "You're being charged with being good in bed..."

After two minutes she said she was dropping the charge due to lack of evidence.

[Goofy]

Rolf Harris has been spat on in prison.

I've watched enough porn to know what happens next.....

[Goofy]

This Muslim I was working with on a tower scaffolding lost his footing and slipped. I managed to grab his hand as he was dangling 150 feet in the air.

"Please, please," he begged, "don't let me drop!"

"Will you eat my bacon sandwich if I pull you up?" I asked,

"Yes! Yes! Of course I will!" he said.

So I let him go. I'm not having a fucking Muslim steal my breakfast.

[Goofy]

A Yank gets off the plane in Blackpool and gets into a cab, he gives the taxi driver the hotel name and off they set.. about a mile into the journey the Yank asks "whats that", the taxi driver replies, "thats the pepsi big-one, biggest roller-coaster in England, built in 1996 in 6 months costing 20 million, the yank replies...." we have one twice as big as that at home, only took 3 months to build and cost 40 million".

200 yards down the prom and the Yank again asks "whats that", the taxi driver again advises "Thats the south pier, largest pier in Europe, built in 1899 at a cost of 5 million in just under 12 months", the Yank replies...."we have one twice as long as that at home, only took 6 months to build and cost 10 million".

200 yards further down the prom the Yank spots Blackpool tower, he asks "wow whats that"

"Fuck knows" said the taxi driver, "wasnt there this morning."

[Goofy]

I've just put a deposit down on a Porsche and mentioned it on Twitter.
I can't understand why the Americans are so upset.
All I said was, "I can't wait for the new 911."
However, 4000 Pakistanis are now following me.

[Goofy]

When the inventor of the USB stick dies they'll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.

[Goofy]

How many religious people does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will just sit in the dark and demand you accept the light is still on.

[Goofy]

A fat bird started chatting me up in the club last night and I mentioned I'd just had my birthday this week.

"Well, happy birthday, sexy," she purred, stroking down my chest. "If I come back to yours tonight, could you put a smile on my face?"

"Probably not," I told her. "There's no cake left."

[Goofy]

What do you call a woman with big tits who doesn't make sandwiches?

A compromise.

[Goofy]

Racism is bad, regardless of who it is directed at.

It doesn't matter if they're white or genetically inferior.

[Hal-9000]

When the inventor of the USB stick dies they'll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.


:lol:

[amex]

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of
the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a
big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so
strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and it stopped.
John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into
the car and closed the door.... Only to realize there was nobody
behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving
slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching.

Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before
the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the
window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched
as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road,
so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.. Wet
and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about
the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying...
And wasn't drunk.
Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark
and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to
the other....

'Look Paddy....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were
pushing it!'

:)

[RBP]

A fat bird started chatting me up in the club last night and I mentioned I'd just had my birthday this week.

"Well, happy birthday, sexy," she purred, stroking down my chest. "If I come back to yours tonight, could you put a smile on my face?"

"Probably not," I told her. "There's no cake left."
:lol:

[RBP]

I think I missed this thread for 3 years. :shock:

[Goofy]

I think I missed this thread for 3 years. :shock:

The invisibility cloak works :shock:

[PorkChopSandwiches]

A woman had just given birth to a baby boy..

The doctor was holding him and told the parent, "I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids."

The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?"

The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids."

The father says," Won't that make him cock-eyed."

The doctor replies," No, if anything it will give him foresight"

[amex]

A woman had just given birth to a baby boy..

The doctor was holding him and told the parent, "I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids."

The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?"

The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids."

The father says," Won't that make him cock-eyed."

The doctor replies," No, if anything it will give him foresight"

:rofl:

[PorkChopSandwiches]

A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled."

The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."

[RBP]

:lol:

[Fodster]

:dance:

[PorkChopSandwiches]

My boss, who is a fit woman, caught me in the shower room after work...

She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?"

I replied, "Certainly," and took it off.

Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well.

Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too.

Then she looked at me and said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"

[Goofy]

My boss, who is a fit woman, caught me in the shower room after work...

She said to me "Would you mind taking my blouse off?"

I replied, "Certainly," and took it off.

Then she turned around and said, "Would you take my skirt off too?" So I removed that as well.

Then she finally asked me to take her underwear off, so I did that too.

Then she looked at me and said, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired"

:facepalm:

[PorkChopSandwiches]

:dance:

[Goofy]

Leading pharmaceutical companies have announced that they will no longer use rabbits in their scientific experiments. Muslims are to be used instead. A spokesman explained that they breed much faster than rabbits, and nobody gets fond of them.

[Goofy]

All the gym bunnies moaning about the newbies.
Get over yourselves.
You didn't see us moaning when you came to use our pubs in December.

[Goofy]

My wife keeps dropping hints about a sexy gift she wants.
"It begins with 'D' and ends in 'O' .. and it fits snugly in there", she winked as she pointed suggestively at her crotch.
I said, "Where the fuck am I gonna find a didgeridoo?"

[Goofy]

A human fart can be louder than a trombone.

I discovered that at my daughter's school concert.

[PorkChopSandwiches]

My wife keeps dropping hints about a sexy gift she wants.
"It begins with 'D' and ends in 'O' .. and it fits snugly in there", she winked as she pointed suggestively at her crotch.
I said, "Where the fuck am I gonna find a didgeridoo?"

:lol:

[Goofy]

Justin Bieber apparently treated himself to a private jet this year for Christmas.

I'm treating him to an early birthday present.

I've paid for him to have an Indonesian pilot for as long as it takes.

[Goofy]

http://i.imgur.com/hcQX8SY.png

[Goofy]

There is only one rule of Alzheimer's Club,

[Goofy]

There certainly seems to be a lack of imagination this Halloween.
Walking through Birmingham city centre this morning all the women seem to be dressed as black ghosts.

[Goofy]

I turned to my colleague and asked, "Can you smell burning?"

23 years we've worked together at the Crematorium and that joke never gets old.

[Goofy]

I saw a four-year-old girl sat on her own today. No signs of anyone near.

"Are you okay?" I asked her. "Do you know where your Mummy or Daddy are?"

"No," she sobbed.

We know how to have a laugh at the orphanage.

[Goofy]

I got a call from head office to tell me that two members of staff have accused me of sexism.

They didn't name names, but I bet it was 'Jenny Shit Tits' and 'Buffalo Cunt'.

[Goofy]

How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two, one to change the bulb and the other to provide suppressing fire.

:dance:

[Goofy]

Just visited a shooting gallery in the United States.

Or, as the locals like to call it, a college.
















8-[

[fricnjay]

http://i.imgur.com/vhsWOu2.jpg

[Teh One Who Knocks]

Too soon? :-k

A Muslim walks into a gay bar and takes a seat at the bar. Bartender walks up and asks what'll it be? And the Muslim shouts, "shots for everyone"!

:coat:

[DemonGeminiX]

Yes. Too soon.

[redred]

yes try again next week

[DemonGeminiX]

Now post your version of the Aristocrats, Gilbert.

[Goofy]

Too soon? :-k

A Muslim walks into a gay bar and takes a seat at the bar. Bartender walks up and asks what'll it be? And the Muslim shouts, "shots for everyone"!

:coat:

Wow......... better save me a seat on the hell-bus :oops:

[amex]

Too soon? :-k

A Muslim walks into a gay bar and takes a seat at the bar. Bartender walks up and asks what'll it be? And the Muslim shouts, "shots for everyone"!

:coat:

:slap::spank:

...i did giggle evil me ....:demon:

[RBP]

Gay bar etiquette: It's always polite to ask your date if you can push up his stool.

[perrhaps]

What's the modern day definition of "mass chaos"?


Father's Day in Harlem.

[fricnjay]

A young man with his pants hanging half off his ass, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched up to the counter and said,
"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing." The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and
bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2012 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of The long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say
but you will also have, as part of your job, the
assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well...
You started it." .....

[DemonGeminiX]

The nurse told the parents of a newborn, "You have a cute baby."
The smiling father said, "I bet you say that to all the new parents."
"No", the nurse replied, "Just to those whose babies are really good-looking."
The father asked, "So what do you say to the others?"
The nurse said, "The baby looks just like you."

[Teh One Who Knocks]

https://i.imgur.com/2GWZmeE.jpg

[Teh One Who Knocks]

https://i.imgur.com/5QO9Hpg.jpg

[FBD]

https://gab.com/NeonRevolt/posts/111333435382909250