I'm going to join a site and need advice...

[Hal-9000]

Admittedly, I don't put much forethought into movie reviews here :oops: I watch the show and then a day or so later, try to remember elements and the overall feeling the movie left me with.And I do so without revealing key plotlines...which I hate reading about in other reviews.Lance and I often joke about IMDB reviews.I do use the site though for various reasons.

So I think it's time to join :lol:


Suggestions for my username please?

[RBP]

are you asking us to name you? :lol:

This will be interesting. :P

[Hal-9000]

I'm sure there are rules...:lol:

I do know that they have people that edit reviews so I may have to curb my shitfucks and Q's...

[Teh One Who Knocks]

You're gonna join IMDB so you can review movies? :lol:

[RBP]

CalgaryGeek

[DemonGeminiX]

BlondeButtPirate?

[Leefro]

I just log on through facebook or Twitter

I do not review movies as they don't like my two worded review

FUCKING SHIT :tup:

[Hal-9000]

My favorite part of IMDB are the "in a nutshell review" (<--that actually appears in the title section) and the damn monstrosity turns out to be 20 flippin paragraphs :lol:

I've yet to see one nutshell review under 1000 words.They also feature reviews that are written by snobs who claim to know the director or actors and they drone on for paragraphs describing comparative lighting effects or the writer's personal difficulties.FFS man did the movie move you in any way? Was it a waste of your 2 hours?

I don't want to hear how you stood in line for some dodgy premiere and your seating problems..

[Hal-9000]

You're gonna join IMDB so you can review movies? :lol:

Why not :lol:

[Hal-9000]

CalgaryGeek


BlondeButtPirate?

Too close to actual and...too close to actual :lol:

[RBP]

BlondeButtPirate?

:lol:

[MrsM]

Ebert's_Libido

[Teh One Who Knocks]

Why not :lol:

Just use your user name from here then :P

[DemonGeminiX]

Too close to actual and...too close to actual :lol:

I should've used Ninja instead of Pirate, shouldn't have I?

:-k

[Hal-9000]

Here's an example of a review for Jurassic Park.Please pay attention to the diction and terms used....:lol: This is the low end of the spectrum and I believe I can offer better.


5 out of 45 people found the following review useful:
simply underwhelming, 4 June 2005
1/10
Author: The-Amityville-Horror from United States

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS I remember when this movie came out, every kid in the first grade thought it was all that. I didn't see it until about last month, and i got to say, there's nothing to it.

its nothing but a campy ugly, bad special FX flick. It's really, really bad, I'm not even gonna bother to put spoilers in because I don't want to be reminded of this crappy movie.

don't watch it, the acting is atrocious, there is a scene lifted directly out of THE SHINING (oh you'll see if you don't heed my warning) and the darned kids botch it all to heck.

if i could give it a lower rating than 1, it would be negative 10.

AVOID

[Hal-9000]

the darned kids botch it all to heck...


thank you :lol:

[Hal-9000]

Ebert's_Libido

getting closer...

[DemonGeminiX]

:lol:

What Shining scene?

I've watched Jurassic Park and both versions of the Shining, and I don't remember any homage or blatant ripoff.

[DemonGeminiX]

:-s

How about Wang_Newton?

[Hal-9000]

Conversely, here's one for the 2010 film The Way Back...I won't be offended if you choose not to read it all :lol:


19 out of 34 people found the following review useful:
A Masterpiece. Grueling but Rewarding for the Adult Viewer., 23 January 2011
10/10
Author: Danusha Goska (dgoska@yahoo.com)

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

"The Way Back" is a masterpiece, a must-see film for thinking people and for lovers of cinema as a serious art form. I was on the edge of my seat through the entire film, and was stifling tears. I could not resist applauding at the end. I couldn't wait to discuss it with friends. Several hours after I left the theater, I kept seeing everything – a meaty sandwich, clean water flowing from the tap – through the prism of "The Way Back." I'm a long-time fan of director Peter Weir, who gave us classics like "Picnic at Hanging Rock," "Witness" and "The Year of Living Dangerously." Weir has outdone himself.

"The Way Back" depicts a long walk that Gulag escapees took from Siberia to India. I've been lucky enough, under luckier circumstances, to travel some of the world the film references, from Poland to the Himalaya. The film's authenticity in language, costume, even hairstyles, swept me up into its world.

Both Nazi Germany and Soviet Russia attacked Poland in September, 1939, thus beginning World War Two. At first, the Communists killed and deported more people even than the genocidal Nazis. Over a million Poles were deported in cattle cars. Many died; many never returned. No one knows exact numbers. Many struggled to return home, traveling on foot through Eurasia, making shorter treks comparable to that depicted in "The Way Back;" I've met such people.

Janusz (Jim Sturgess) is a young Pole falsely accused by Soviets. His wife is tortured to force a confession. Without ceremony, he is shipped to hellish Siberian concentration camps and mines. Janusz determines to escape, with a ragtag, multilingual crew of followers.

Janusz is not particularly handsome, or muscular, or super intelligent. He doesn't have a commanding voice or swagger. His potentially fatal flaw, in this environment, is kindness. Jim Sturgess' Janusz is one of the best aspects of the film. In real life, true leaders usually are not like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Janusz grew up in the woods, and knows how to jerry-rig a compass to point his group south, and a mask to survive blizzards. In the world of Gulag escapees, that's enough to make him the big man. Indeed, Valka, (Colin Farrell), a very tough gangster, declares, or diagnoses, that Janusz is the leader, the man whom the other escapees must obey, both for their own individual benefit and the benefit of group survival.

Prison escapees traveling thousands of miles of the Eurasian landmass with minimal gear face multiple dangers, from malnutrition-caused blindness to mosquitoes to snakes to dehydration. Some succumb, and die en route. You can't help but bet the same horrible game of chance that Valka proposes: who will die next? And will his meat be tender – that is, will we resort to cannibalism? A crew member falls. Surviving companions, in stunning testimony to their own humanity, take the time, burn the calories, devote the effort, to fashioning makeshift graves, and funerals. And then they march on.

What looks very beautiful on a calendar – an unspoiled mountain forest of snow-dusted evergreens – is actually all but an execution chamber for a hungry fugitive with no tools and only rags for shoes. The last thing a good man sees after making the simple mistake of walking too far with a limited light source will not be a breathtaking natural vista but a comforting, wrenching, hallucination of home.

Weir's best choice as a filmmaker here was simply to get out of the story's way. "The Way Back" does not want to be your best friend. Weir makes no attempt to cozy up to the viewer, to sweeten the story with phony warmth or touching crescendos. Weir makes no attempt to juice the action with cinematic steroids. For much of the film, the viewer is watching one grueling step after another.

Guess what? This is what it's like to suffer for a goal, this is what it's like to be crushed, this is what it's like, purely by chance – not because you are a better person or because God likes you more – to survive. You go on, hour after hour after seemingly pointless hour toward your questionable, impossible objective. This film is an endurance test. It will separate the men from the boys. Folks who think a movie about fantasy, sexy ballerinas is "great" filmmaking, and who think that temporarily losing their cell phone service is a human rights violation, will probably walk right out of "The Way Back." Characterizations come slowly and are not forced. We discover, in a ruined monastery, that one character had been a priest. We discover that a girl can get taciturn men to talk. Characters speak of food, as hungry people do. "Add more salt!" to a fantasy meal, one begs. Valka makes a decision that caused this viewer to cry. I never thought the film could make me care about this murderous thug, but it did. There is inevitable, and surprising, laughter, also not forced, but integral to the circumstances.

There are moments of high drama. The men must fight wolves. Weir could have lavished lengthy close-ups on those sharp teeth, snarling snouts and prickly pelts. He doesn't. The wolves are on screen only long enough to establish what they are and what they are up to. And then the next deadly and impossible challenge rolls down the shoot at the viewer, just as it did for those who took this long walk, and the millions of other humans like them, who have survived life and death challenges under impossible conditions. "The Way Back" is, like those poignant grave-markers the marchers make en route, testimony to those who have lived anonymous and agonizing lives in this pitiless world. If you don't think about the big questions while watching this film, and if you're not grateful to the film for that, you don't deserve it.

[Hal-9000]

:lol:

What Shining scene?

I've watched Jurassic Park and both versions of the Shining, and I don't remember any homage or blatant ripoff.

You're feeling my pain brother :lol:

[Teh One Who Knocks]

Conversely, here's one for the film 2010 film The Way Back...I won't be offended if you choose not to read it all :lol:


19 out of 34 people found the following review useful:
A Masterpiece. Grueling but Rewarding for the Adult Viewer., 23 January 2011
10/10
Author: Danusha Goska (dgoska@yahoo.com)

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

"The Way Back" is a masterpiece, a must-see film for thinking people and for lovers of cinema as a serious art form. I was on the edge of my seat through the entire film, and was stifling tears. I could not resist applauding at the end. I couldn't wait to discuss it with friends. Several hours after I left the theater, I kept seeing everything – a meaty sandwich, clean water flowing from the tap – through the prism of "The Way Back." I'm a long-time fan of director Peter Weir, who gave us classics like "Picnic at Hanging Rock," "Witness" and "The Year of Living Dangerously." Weir has outdone himself.

"The Way Back" depicts a long walk that Gulag escapees took from Siberia to India. I've been lucky enough, under luckier circumstances, to travel some of the world the film references, from Poland to the Himalaya. The film's authenticity in language, costume, even hairstyles, swept me up into its world.

Both Nazi Germany and Soviet Russia attacked Poland in September, 1939, thus beginning World War Two. At first, the Communists killed and deported more people even than the genocidal Nazis. Over a million Poles were deported in cattle cars. Many died; many never returned. No one knows exact numbers. Many struggled to return home, traveling on foot through Eurasia, making shorter treks comparable to that depicted in "The Way Back;" I've met such people.

Janusz (Jim Sturgess) is a young Pole falsely accused by Soviets. His wife is tortured to force a confession. Without ceremony, he is shipped to hellish Siberian concentration camps and mines. Janusz determines to escape, with a ragtag, multilingual crew of followers.

Janusz is not particularly handsome, or muscular, or super intelligent. He doesn't have a commanding voice or swagger. His potentially fatal flaw, in this environment, is kindness. Jim Sturgess' Janusz is one of the best aspects of the film. In real life, true leaders usually are not like Arnold Schwarzenegger. Janusz grew up in the woods, and knows how to jerry-rig a compass to point his group south, and a mask to survive blizzards. In the world of Gulag escapees, that's enough to make him the big man. Indeed, Valka, (Colin Farrell), a very tough gangster, declares, or diagnoses, that Janusz is the leader, the man whom the other escapees must obey, both for their own individual benefit and the benefit of group survival.

Prison escapees traveling thousands of miles of the Eurasian landmass with minimal gear face multiple dangers, from malnutrition-caused blindness to mosquitoes to snakes to dehydration. Some succumb, and die en route. You can't help but bet the same horrible game of chance that Valka proposes: who will die next? And will his meat be tender – that is, will we resort to cannibalism? A crew member falls. Surviving companions, in stunning testimony to their own humanity, take the time, burn the calories, devote the effort, to fashioning makeshift graves, and funerals. And then they march on.

What looks very beautiful on a calendar – an unspoiled mountain forest of snow-dusted evergreens – is actually all but an execution chamber for a hungry fugitive with no tools and only rags for shoes. The last thing a good man sees after making the simple mistake of walking too far with a limited light source will not be a breathtaking natural vista but a comforting, wrenching, hallucination of home.

Weir's best choice as a filmmaker here was simply to get out of the story's way. "The Way Back" does not want to be your best friend. Weir makes no attempt to cozy up to the viewer, to sweeten the story with phony warmth or touching crescendos. Weir makes no attempt to juice the action with cinematic steroids. For much of the film, the viewer is watching one grueling step after another.

Guess what? This is what it's like to suffer for a goal, this is what it's like to be crushed, this is what it's like, purely by chance – not because you are a better person or because God likes you more – to survive. You go on, hour after hour after seemingly pointless hour toward your questionable, impossible objective. This film is an endurance test. It will separate the men from the boys. Folks who think a movie about fantasy, sexy ballerinas is "great" filmmaking, and who think that temporarily losing their cell phone service is a human rights violation, will probably walk right out of "The Way Back." Characterizations come slowly and are not forced. We discover, in a ruined monastery, that one character had been a priest. We discover that a girl can get taciturn men to talk. Characters speak of food, as hungry people do. "Add more salt!" to a fantasy meal, one begs. Valka makes a decision that caused this viewer to cry. I never thought the film could make me care about this murderous thug, but it did. There is inevitable, and surprising, laughter, also not forced, but integral to the circumstances.

There are moments of high drama. The men must fight wolves. Weir could have lavished lengthy close-ups on those sharp teeth, snarling snouts and prickly pelts. He doesn't. The wolves are on screen only long enough to establish what they are and what they are up to. And then the next deadly and impossible challenge rolls down the shoot at the viewer, just as it did for those who took this long walk, and the millions of other humans like them, who have survived life and death challenges under impossible conditions. "The Way Back" is, like those poignant grave-markers the marchers make en route, testimony to those who have lived anonymous and agonizing lives in this pitiless world. If you don't think about the big questions while watching this film, and if you're not grateful to the film for that, you don't deserve it.


:huh:

[RBP]

MothersMilk

[PorkChopSandwiches]

DongSalad

[Hal-9000]

:-s

How about Wang_Newton?

That's one I'd love to use elsewhere :thumbsup: I want something memorable, with maybe a hint of credibility?

:lol: I know, I know....

[DemonGeminiX]

G. Howie Phartz?

Mike Hunt?

Emma Roids?

http://psacake.com/silly.asp

Credibility, my ass.

[-(

[Hal-9000]

MothersMilk


DongSalad

still not resonating but thanks :thumbsup:

[Hal-9000]

G. Howie Phartz?

Mike Hunt?

Emma Roids?

http://psacake.com/silly.asp

Credibility, my ass.

[-(

if Richard Cranium wasn't already taken, that would be my choice

[Hal-9000]

The Film Guardian


ooooooh :)

[RBP]

MovieChick

[PorkChopSandwiches]

Mrs Buttersworth

[Teh One Who Knocks]

Amanda Huginkiss? :-k

[RBP]

NeverBeenTouched

[DemonGeminiX]

The Film Guardian


ooooooh :)

If you're gonna use that, you better be able to write dissertations on films that rival comtemporary literary masterpieces.

:-s

[PorkChopSandwiches]

Movie Meatspin

[Teh One Who Knocks]

The Movie Maven? :-k

[Hal-9000]

Ed Wood Junior?

:lol:

[Hal-9000]

I don't want to come off as a movie snob, I'd like to have a memorable everyman title...

The username doesn't really matter at this point, I still have to find out the format and various rules for posting.In some posts, I've read a user say - "I had to keep this review under the character limit ", and then write a brief, 2 paragraph review.

So how come Mr War & Peace up there can vomit out 5000 words?

[Teh One Who Knocks]

I don't want to come off as a movie snob, I'd like to have a memorable everyman title...

The username doesn't really matter at this point, I still have to find out the format and various rules for posting.In some posts, I've read a user say - "I had to keep this review under the character limit ", and then write a brief, 2 paragraph review.

So how come Mr War & Peace up there can vomit out 5000 words?

Here's what the review page looks like:

http://i.imgur.com/F126P.png

[DemonGeminiX]

Here's what the review page looks like:

http://i.imgur.com/F126P.png

A 1? Uwe Boll is gonna come looking for you.

:nono:

[Hal-9000]

Thanks Lance :thumbsup:

I've read plenty with spoilers that didn't contain the warning. 'Big twist at the end with the protagonist dying..."

:| Gee thanks twerp.

It's funny they don't mention terms and profanity...maybe in the guidelines?

[PorkChopSandwiches]

Jack Skelington

[Hal-9000]

I don't count but I'm sure I've seen more than 1000 word reviews...

[Teh One Who Knocks]

The Guidelines:


User Reviews Guidelines

Please note there is a 1,000 word limit on reviews. The recommended length is 200 to 500 words. The minimum length for reviews is 10 lines of text. Reviews which are too short or have been padded with junk text will be discarded. You may only post a single review per title.
What to include:

Your reviews should focus on the title's content and context. The best reviews include not only whether you liked or disliked a movie or TV-series, but also why. Feel free to mention other titles you consider similar and how this one rates in comparison to them. Reviews that are not specific to the title will not be posted on our site. Please write in English only and note that we do not support HTML mark-up within the reviews.
What not to include:

Resist the temptation to review on other reviews or features visible on the page. This information (and its position on the page) is subject to change without notice. A review form is not an appropriate place to tell us there are errors in the database. If you'd like to tell us about a specific problem, please click the 'Update Information' button near the bottom of the main details page.

IMDb is pleased to provide this forum for you to air your opinions on your favorite (or not-so-favorite) movies and TV-series. While we appreciate your time and reviews, we respectfully request that you refrain from including the following in your review:

Profanity, obscenities, or spiteful remarks.
Time-sensitive material (i.e., promotional tours, seminars, lectures, etc.).
Single-word reviews. We want to know why you liked or disliked the title.
Avoid unannounced spoilers! Please don't reveal crucial plot elements. If you include a spoiler without warning readers in advance your name will be added to a blacklist and, subsequently, all your reviews will be discarded automatically. To label a spoiler make sure you check the 'contains spoilers' checkbox.
Phone numbers, mail addresses, URLs.
Availability, price, or ordering/shipping information.
Writing in ALL-CAPS! Writing sentences in all-uppercase characters is considered "SHOUTING" and must be avoided.

Any review in violation of these guidelines will not be posted or may be edited to conform to the guidelines. In addition, IMDb reserves the right not to post any review for any reason.

Additional notes:

All submitted reviews become the licensed property of IMDb as set forth in our copyrights page.
Your submission must be your own original work.
Your reviews will normally be posted on the site within seven business days.
Please write in English only. HTML or boards mark-up is not supported though paragraph breaks will be inserted if you leave a blank line between paragraphs.

[Hal-9000]

Looking For Mr. Goodmovie?

Even that reference is too vague for some readers.....hmmmmm

[Teh One Who Knocks]

I don't count but I'm sure I've seen more than 1000 word reviews...

Maybe those pre-date the guidelines?

[Hal-9000]

The Guidelines:

Very cool, thanks again.

[Teh One Who Knocks]

A 1? Uwe Boll is gonna come looking for you.

:nono:

Let him come :hand:

[Hal-9000]

The movie pages themselves are pretty cool.They have trivia sections and goofs within the movies, reported by other users.An example from Jurassic Park - There are only 16 minutes of film time featuring dinosaurs.9 minutes of CGI and 7 minutes of animatronic effects.Spielberg put a whole bunch of Easter eggs and nods in his Jurassic movies and some of them are quite funny :lol:

[Hal-9000]

thinking of Lee...no single word reviews


shite!

dogsbollocks!

bagowank!!

:lol:

[Hal-9000]

PorkChopDonairs?


:-k

[Hal-9000]

LeeIsHal?

[Hal-9000]

Your_Friendly_Neighborhood_Film_Reviewer?

[Hal-9000]

Yourmoviebitch

:lol:

[deebakes]

Sparkles-9000?

[Hal-9000]

Sparkles-9000?

in the top 5 for sure :thumbsup:

[PorkChopSandwiches]

30DaysOfHal

[Hal-9000]

Hal raiser



:lol:

[PorkChopSandwiches]

ShallowHal

[RBP]

Technicolor

Technicolor-9000

Cellulose-9000

[Hal-9000]

ShallowHal



:sad2: you sound like the women in my life...


Hal, your pal :tup:

[Hal-9000]

Technicolor

Technicolor-9000

Cellulose-9000

Cellulose ? :lol:

[Hal-9000]

Verbositypersonified


Here's my 999 word review on Shrek :thumbsup:

[minz]

I could add a few to the list but I'm trying really really hard to be good today. :lol:

[RBP]

Cellulose ? :lol:

Isn't that what old film, was made of? :-k

[Teh One Who Knocks]

ForTheHalOfIt

[PorkChopSandwiches]

Rob Hal-Ford

[Hal-9000]

I could add a few to the list but I'm trying really really hard to be good today. :lol:


Let them fly biatch :lol: I may use one...

[Hal-9000]

Isn't that what old film, was made of? :-k

Ahhh, I was thinking of the component in celery and lettuce :doh:

[RBP]

ForTheHalOfIt

http://i.imgur.com/RFE5W.gif

[Hal-9000]

Rob Hal-Ford

:hand: ghey

[Hal-9000]

ForTheHalOfIt

Too light and breezy

[PorkChopSandwiches]

:hand: ghey

How can something called Hell Bent On Leather be gay :dance:

[Hal-9000]

Spawn_of_Ebert

[Hal-9000]

How can something called Hell Bent On Leather be gay :dance:

:hand: You got another thing coming! (next time you bend over...)

[Hal-9000]

JoeyC?



:rofl:

[PorkChopSandwiches]

stevemgu

[Hal-9000]

Myopinion>yours01

[RBP]

Ahhh, I was thinking of the component in celery and lettuce :doh:

I guess it would be celluloid

[minz]

Let them fly biatch :lol: I may use one...



46_year_old_virgin
Hallucinating_ hal
The_trolly_dolly
Basement_boi

Or you could be Minz_favorite_sex_toy

[RBP]

CastingCouch-9000

[RBP]

Or you could be Minz_favorite_sex_toy

:shock:

[minz]

:shock:

What? :huh:

[Hal-9000]

Minzy's dildo


I like it :lol: