Teh One Who Knocks
11-20-2011, 11:59 AM
It happens to the best of us. We go to some hoity-toity beer tasting event and we walk away with a whole new appreciation for beer. I’ll never forget the first time I sipped a Stella Artois...
http://i.imgur.com/sMUyo.jpg
... and the light bulb went off over my head: Holy Shit, I actually LIKE beer!
From there, I found the world of German beers, Guinness, local brews, red ales... It was as if a veil had been lifted. My eyes were OPEN! I had to make up for lost time!
Even the staunchest beer snobs will eventually concede that sometimes you gotta break the mold and there is truly no ONE beer for everything. Is it really sensible to drink Otter Creek Alpine Black IPA while eating hot dogs and chips?
http://i.imgur.com/7W0tN.jpg
No it is not. Take it from me, this looks a LOT worse coming up than it did going down.
I realized I had officially risen above my snobbery -- graduated, if you will -- when once, at five in the morning, I found myself guzzling a fishbowl of tomato juice, hot sauce, and Corona Light.
So without further ado, and with the hope that, as the great poet laureate Ice Cube once said, you can “check yourself before you wreck yourself," SaveOnBrew.Com presents...
Five Ways To Tell If You’re A Douche Bag Beer Snob...
If you see yourself in just ONE of the five key signs, we've got some bad news. D-Bag.
ONE: You consistently choose the stool closest to the taps...
http://i.imgur.com/5ZFEGl.jpg
... just so you can snicker when you hear “the lower classes” mispronounce the names of the following beers (the same ones you had to look up before ordering):
Huma Lupa Licious IPA (“It’s hue-ma, not who-ma!”)
Smithwick’s (“It’s smiddick’s, not smith-wick’s!”)
Reinheitsgebot (“It’s Rhine-heights-guh-boat, not rain-heits-gibbit!”)
Löwenbräu (“It’s lurvenbroyh, not lowen-brow!”)
Leinenkugel (“It’s line-en-koo-gull, not lay-nen-koo-gull!”)
Hefeweizen (“It’s hay-fuh-vite-zen, not hef-e-wisen!”)
Hoegaarden (“It’s who-garden, not hoe-garden!”)
TWO: You “only drink craft brews, bro.”
Last year, it was all about the “microbrew,” but now it’s all about these one-hit-wonder craft brews made by artisans in basements. When you’re not listening to the works of Ian Mackaye, you're busy espousing how fucking “genuine” you are in a world of “posers” or eating your organic tofurkey.
http://i.imgur.com/Bk3mt.jpg
("feast" my ass!)
THREE: You criticize your “cheap” friends for buying the thirty pack of cans instead of a twelve pack of bottles.
You follow that up with:
I don’t like that tinny flavor of the can;
Beer just tastes better out of brown bottles;
Green bottles make the beer taste skunky;
Clear bottles let too much light in.
By the end of the night, your friends want to smash the bottle over your head while they enjoy the time-honored tradition of stomping on beer cans like Godzilla.
FOUR: You never shut the fuck up about that month you spent in Europe. Never.
"You know, in Europe beer is served warm so you can appreciate the fine flavors. In America, the beer has to be served cold because they don’t brew it to purity laws."
You're the same guy who's still trying to figure out if Ireland is a town in England, or if England is a town in Ireland.
http://i.imgur.com/4Iew2.jpg
FIVE: You’ve taken to brewing your own beer and you keep telling anyone that'll listen that the rancid poison toad sweat in your basement is “better than anything out there.” You’ve made custom labels and named your brew something like...
Marcel Mersault's Blessed Beige Slimemold Pilsner;
Beazelbub's Viscious Porpoise Brown Ale; or
Napolean's Poisonous Gnu Dopplebock.
Worst of all, you forgot to use filtered water and your friends have dubbed it “Band-Aid Beer.”
SO IN CONCLUSION...
Yes, Little Johnny, it IS possible to have a palate and NOT be a damned beer snob. Just sip your brew and keep your fucking yap shut. Don’t preach to others about their lack of taste or their inability to comprehend what “real beer” tastes like. If someone offers you a beer, just DRINK IT and quit being a doucher.
-Jennn Fusion
http://i.imgur.com/sMUyo.jpg
... and the light bulb went off over my head: Holy Shit, I actually LIKE beer!
From there, I found the world of German beers, Guinness, local brews, red ales... It was as if a veil had been lifted. My eyes were OPEN! I had to make up for lost time!
Even the staunchest beer snobs will eventually concede that sometimes you gotta break the mold and there is truly no ONE beer for everything. Is it really sensible to drink Otter Creek Alpine Black IPA while eating hot dogs and chips?
http://i.imgur.com/7W0tN.jpg
No it is not. Take it from me, this looks a LOT worse coming up than it did going down.
I realized I had officially risen above my snobbery -- graduated, if you will -- when once, at five in the morning, I found myself guzzling a fishbowl of tomato juice, hot sauce, and Corona Light.
So without further ado, and with the hope that, as the great poet laureate Ice Cube once said, you can “check yourself before you wreck yourself," SaveOnBrew.Com presents...
Five Ways To Tell If You’re A Douche Bag Beer Snob...
If you see yourself in just ONE of the five key signs, we've got some bad news. D-Bag.
ONE: You consistently choose the stool closest to the taps...
http://i.imgur.com/5ZFEGl.jpg
... just so you can snicker when you hear “the lower classes” mispronounce the names of the following beers (the same ones you had to look up before ordering):
Huma Lupa Licious IPA (“It’s hue-ma, not who-ma!”)
Smithwick’s (“It’s smiddick’s, not smith-wick’s!”)
Reinheitsgebot (“It’s Rhine-heights-guh-boat, not rain-heits-gibbit!”)
Löwenbräu (“It’s lurvenbroyh, not lowen-brow!”)
Leinenkugel (“It’s line-en-koo-gull, not lay-nen-koo-gull!”)
Hefeweizen (“It’s hay-fuh-vite-zen, not hef-e-wisen!”)
Hoegaarden (“It’s who-garden, not hoe-garden!”)
TWO: You “only drink craft brews, bro.”
Last year, it was all about the “microbrew,” but now it’s all about these one-hit-wonder craft brews made by artisans in basements. When you’re not listening to the works of Ian Mackaye, you're busy espousing how fucking “genuine” you are in a world of “posers” or eating your organic tofurkey.
http://i.imgur.com/Bk3mt.jpg
("feast" my ass!)
THREE: You criticize your “cheap” friends for buying the thirty pack of cans instead of a twelve pack of bottles.
You follow that up with:
I don’t like that tinny flavor of the can;
Beer just tastes better out of brown bottles;
Green bottles make the beer taste skunky;
Clear bottles let too much light in.
By the end of the night, your friends want to smash the bottle over your head while they enjoy the time-honored tradition of stomping on beer cans like Godzilla.
FOUR: You never shut the fuck up about that month you spent in Europe. Never.
"You know, in Europe beer is served warm so you can appreciate the fine flavors. In America, the beer has to be served cold because they don’t brew it to purity laws."
You're the same guy who's still trying to figure out if Ireland is a town in England, or if England is a town in Ireland.
http://i.imgur.com/4Iew2.jpg
FIVE: You’ve taken to brewing your own beer and you keep telling anyone that'll listen that the rancid poison toad sweat in your basement is “better than anything out there.” You’ve made custom labels and named your brew something like...
Marcel Mersault's Blessed Beige Slimemold Pilsner;
Beazelbub's Viscious Porpoise Brown Ale; or
Napolean's Poisonous Gnu Dopplebock.
Worst of all, you forgot to use filtered water and your friends have dubbed it “Band-Aid Beer.”
SO IN CONCLUSION...
Yes, Little Johnny, it IS possible to have a palate and NOT be a damned beer snob. Just sip your brew and keep your fucking yap shut. Don’t preach to others about their lack of taste or their inability to comprehend what “real beer” tastes like. If someone offers you a beer, just DRINK IT and quit being a doucher.
-Jennn Fusion