Teh One Who Knocks
01-03-2012, 08:34 PM
Saw this on some guy's blog and thought it was pretty funny :lol:
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My trip to the gym last night reminded me of one of the most popular posts I've ever written, explaining the rules of the gym.
Apparently, it's still relevant. And, as far as I could tell from looking at all the idiots at the gym last night, it's not being shared by as many folks as it should be. Meaning, it's not being read by everyone who should read it (which, if my demographics are correct, is everyone, ever).
So please, do me a huge favor - link this post everywhere. Print it out and post it at your gym. Rent a sky-writing plane and share it far and wide with everyone. Because with all the New Years Resolution folks at the gym, I saw at least 15 flagrant fouls in the first 10 minutes alone (and as far as that goes, no, I do not hate or resent New Years Resolution people at the gym. I celebrate any and all opportunities for people to put a pin in a map and say "I want to be here." The people I do resent are the ones who won't be showing up in February and beyond. Those are the folks who I wish would just decide to stop NOW and free up the treadmills for those of us who actually take this stuff seriously).
This list has been updated for 2012, with a few new rules and some rewrites of older ones. Seven (!) years after its original publication, it needed some sprucing up. And for those of you looking for honest, direct advice for beginning a workout routine for the first time, here you go. My program has been touted by thousands of folks the past six years as being the only program they ever stuck with. And there'll be a 2012 refresh of the workout program coming tomorrow, so watch for that.
So without further ado:
Joe The Peacock's Official Rules Of The Gym.
I have come up with some fairly simple and VERY necessary guidelines for those of you who have decided to pay your membership dues and head to the gym. These rules are not hard to follow, and most cover first-time foibles. However, a great many of them come from people who simply need to stop sniffing their own fumes and get real.
This list is compiled from discussions with and observations of hundreds of people during my 20+ years of working out, and I think that anyone and everyone who's ever stepped inside a gym -- even to deliver a newspaper -- would agree with me on all of them.
First, For The Guys:
1. Stop oogling the girls. It is human nature to look at beautiful things. We men are genetically predisposed to admire the female figure (unless you're one of those backwards people who think sexual preference is a choice, in which case, you checked the "chicks" box on your survey at birth). But come on - show some respect. Get a look, take a mental picture, and go back to whatever it is you were doing. Trust me, they know you checked them out and have long ago gotten used to it. But the staring and drooling? That's something they haven't accepted (and shouldn't have to). So knock it off.
2. No, seriously, stop oogling the girls. Yes, it's THAT bad a problem that I have to say it again. Seriously. Stop. You're making them uncomfortable.
3. Quit with the eyeballing. I know you love buying Tapout and Affliction shirts at Target, but you're NOT in the UFC. You're not hardcore. There's no need to stare anyone down or act like you are a badass. You're not. If you were, I'd have seen you at the MMA gym, and you'd know better, because no one who takes any form of martial arts seriously does that shit. We're not in competition. You can nod and smile, it's okay - no one will think any less of you, I promise.
4. Flex in the mirror at home. Sure, you need the mirror to watch your performance as you lift. And yeah, it's really cool to see yourself as you are all pumped and stuff... but must you do a full pose-down in the presence of everyone there?
5. If you sweat a lot, carry a towel. Wipe down the equipment you use. It's just respectful. No one wants to lay in your salty perspiration - if we did, we'd just walk up to you, turn around, and rub our backs on you like a bear would a tree.
6. Wash your clothes once in a while. Please.
7. If you cannot bench 405 lbs, don't get your buddy to sit there and "spot" you while the ladies pass by just so you can rattle the plates. Really, this one isn't too huge a deal - you want to damage yourself, fine by me - you're an idiot and deserve the pain. It's just frustrating to need a bench and have to stand around watching you attempt to look cool. Everyone sees your buddy standing on his tiptoes, dead lifting the weight off you. You don't look cool, you look like you need a hug and some reinforcing emotional platitudes.
8. If you don't know how to use a machine or do a certain exercise - ask a staff member or someone experienced to teach you a bit about the equipment and routine. This isn't about you looking silly, its about staying healthy. You can injure yourself if you add weight to an incorrect movement. There's no shame in asking for advice and direction. Believe me -- it's actually something people respect.
9. However, don't go asking in the middle of a set. It's called "lane courtesy" and it's a term borrowed from bowling. While someone is concentrating on working out, don't go bugging them.
10. Unless your name is Lee Haney, Arnold Schwarzenegger or Joe Weider, don't give unsolicited lifting advice - Unless you see someone who's risking SERIOUSLY hurting themselves. And even then, be polite about it.
11. Just because she's female does NOT mean she needs or wants you to spot her. Some women refuse to visit the free weight area of a gym simply because guys insist on coming up to them and bugging them about needing a spot. If you wouldn't ask a guy, don't ask the girl. Leave her alone and go back to your machine, Randy Pan.
12. The treadmill isn't the place for a race, and no one wants to race you. Neither is the elliptical, stationary bike or stair climber. Focus on your own workout. Let other people have what little privacy is afforded them by line-of-sight displays.
13. The Urinal Rule applies to machines too. Let's say there's 5 exercise machines (say, treadmills) in a group. For the purposes of this discussion, assume the leftmost is #1 and the rightmost is #5, with #2, #3 and #4 falling where you'd logically assume they would. If I am on machine #1 and there is NO ONE ELSE ON ANY OTHER MACHINE, do NOT get on machine #2. Especially if you haven't been following rule #6.
14. Wear a shirt, you puffed-up prima donna.
http://i.imgur.com/nblJF.jpg
NO!
15. To clarify: Shirts consist of a torso and a neckline. If you've cut off half the torso to show your abs, you've failed at rule 14. And sure, sleeveless shirts are okay, but if you've EVER spent money on a spaghetti-thin single strip of cloth that goes over each shoulder and meets a 2" wide piece of fabric around your waist, you're a disgrace to humanity and aren't much of a man.
16. SHUT THE FUCK UP. No one cares what you bench, used to bench, will be benching, etc. and so forth. Write it in a journal at the gym, and if you really need to talk about it, read it aloud to yourself when you get home.
17. Grunting is understandable and OK - yelling is not. Come on, man. There's the natural sounds of exertion, and then there's barking and yelping like you're lifting a car off of a trapped child. Quit trying to draw attention to your Herculean efforts by screaming like a banshee. Again, you're not a badass.
18. You may be comfortable with your nakedness, but I'm not comfortable with your nakedness. This isn't homophobia, it's not wanting to see your twig and berries dangling everywhere, especially if you're not a "shaver." You're a man. You're ugly and hairy and gross. Cover yourself up with a towel at least, especially in the sauna / steam room.
================================================== ===========
My trip to the gym last night reminded me of one of the most popular posts I've ever written, explaining the rules of the gym.
Apparently, it's still relevant. And, as far as I could tell from looking at all the idiots at the gym last night, it's not being shared by as many folks as it should be. Meaning, it's not being read by everyone who should read it (which, if my demographics are correct, is everyone, ever).
So please, do me a huge favor - link this post everywhere. Print it out and post it at your gym. Rent a sky-writing plane and share it far and wide with everyone. Because with all the New Years Resolution folks at the gym, I saw at least 15 flagrant fouls in the first 10 minutes alone (and as far as that goes, no, I do not hate or resent New Years Resolution people at the gym. I celebrate any and all opportunities for people to put a pin in a map and say "I want to be here." The people I do resent are the ones who won't be showing up in February and beyond. Those are the folks who I wish would just decide to stop NOW and free up the treadmills for those of us who actually take this stuff seriously).
This list has been updated for 2012, with a few new rules and some rewrites of older ones. Seven (!) years after its original publication, it needed some sprucing up. And for those of you looking for honest, direct advice for beginning a workout routine for the first time, here you go. My program has been touted by thousands of folks the past six years as being the only program they ever stuck with. And there'll be a 2012 refresh of the workout program coming tomorrow, so watch for that.
So without further ado:
Joe The Peacock's Official Rules Of The Gym.
I have come up with some fairly simple and VERY necessary guidelines for those of you who have decided to pay your membership dues and head to the gym. These rules are not hard to follow, and most cover first-time foibles. However, a great many of them come from people who simply need to stop sniffing their own fumes and get real.
This list is compiled from discussions with and observations of hundreds of people during my 20+ years of working out, and I think that anyone and everyone who's ever stepped inside a gym -- even to deliver a newspaper -- would agree with me on all of them.
First, For The Guys:
1. Stop oogling the girls. It is human nature to look at beautiful things. We men are genetically predisposed to admire the female figure (unless you're one of those backwards people who think sexual preference is a choice, in which case, you checked the "chicks" box on your survey at birth). But come on - show some respect. Get a look, take a mental picture, and go back to whatever it is you were doing. Trust me, they know you checked them out and have long ago gotten used to it. But the staring and drooling? That's something they haven't accepted (and shouldn't have to). So knock it off.
2. No, seriously, stop oogling the girls. Yes, it's THAT bad a problem that I have to say it again. Seriously. Stop. You're making them uncomfortable.
3. Quit with the eyeballing. I know you love buying Tapout and Affliction shirts at Target, but you're NOT in the UFC. You're not hardcore. There's no need to stare anyone down or act like you are a badass. You're not. If you were, I'd have seen you at the MMA gym, and you'd know better, because no one who takes any form of martial arts seriously does that shit. We're not in competition. You can nod and smile, it's okay - no one will think any less of you, I promise.
4. Flex in the mirror at home. Sure, you need the mirror to watch your performance as you lift. And yeah, it's really cool to see yourself as you are all pumped and stuff... but must you do a full pose-down in the presence of everyone there?
5. If you sweat a lot, carry a towel. Wipe down the equipment you use. It's just respectful. No one wants to lay in your salty perspiration - if we did, we'd just walk up to you, turn around, and rub our backs on you like a bear would a tree.
6. Wash your clothes once in a while. Please.
7. If you cannot bench 405 lbs, don't get your buddy to sit there and "spot" you while the ladies pass by just so you can rattle the plates. Really, this one isn't too huge a deal - you want to damage yourself, fine by me - you're an idiot and deserve the pain. It's just frustrating to need a bench and have to stand around watching you attempt to look cool. Everyone sees your buddy standing on his tiptoes, dead lifting the weight off you. You don't look cool, you look like you need a hug and some reinforcing emotional platitudes.
8. If you don't know how to use a machine or do a certain exercise - ask a staff member or someone experienced to teach you a bit about the equipment and routine. This isn't about you looking silly, its about staying healthy. You can injure yourself if you add weight to an incorrect movement. There's no shame in asking for advice and direction. Believe me -- it's actually something people respect.
9. However, don't go asking in the middle of a set. It's called "lane courtesy" and it's a term borrowed from bowling. While someone is concentrating on working out, don't go bugging them.
10. Unless your name is Lee Haney, Arnold Schwarzenegger or Joe Weider, don't give unsolicited lifting advice - Unless you see someone who's risking SERIOUSLY hurting themselves. And even then, be polite about it.
11. Just because she's female does NOT mean she needs or wants you to spot her. Some women refuse to visit the free weight area of a gym simply because guys insist on coming up to them and bugging them about needing a spot. If you wouldn't ask a guy, don't ask the girl. Leave her alone and go back to your machine, Randy Pan.
12. The treadmill isn't the place for a race, and no one wants to race you. Neither is the elliptical, stationary bike or stair climber. Focus on your own workout. Let other people have what little privacy is afforded them by line-of-sight displays.
13. The Urinal Rule applies to machines too. Let's say there's 5 exercise machines (say, treadmills) in a group. For the purposes of this discussion, assume the leftmost is #1 and the rightmost is #5, with #2, #3 and #4 falling where you'd logically assume they would. If I am on machine #1 and there is NO ONE ELSE ON ANY OTHER MACHINE, do NOT get on machine #2. Especially if you haven't been following rule #6.
14. Wear a shirt, you puffed-up prima donna.
http://i.imgur.com/nblJF.jpg
NO!
15. To clarify: Shirts consist of a torso and a neckline. If you've cut off half the torso to show your abs, you've failed at rule 14. And sure, sleeveless shirts are okay, but if you've EVER spent money on a spaghetti-thin single strip of cloth that goes over each shoulder and meets a 2" wide piece of fabric around your waist, you're a disgrace to humanity and aren't much of a man.
16. SHUT THE FUCK UP. No one cares what you bench, used to bench, will be benching, etc. and so forth. Write it in a journal at the gym, and if you really need to talk about it, read it aloud to yourself when you get home.
17. Grunting is understandable and OK - yelling is not. Come on, man. There's the natural sounds of exertion, and then there's barking and yelping like you're lifting a car off of a trapped child. Quit trying to draw attention to your Herculean efforts by screaming like a banshee. Again, you're not a badass.
18. You may be comfortable with your nakedness, but I'm not comfortable with your nakedness. This isn't homophobia, it's not wanting to see your twig and berries dangling everywhere, especially if you're not a "shaver." You're a man. You're ugly and hairy and gross. Cover yourself up with a towel at least, especially in the sauna / steam room.