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The Monk
03-20-2011, 12:20 PM
A pompous speaker who had a great opinion of himself gave a long after-dinner speech. He then made the mistake of turning to his neighbour on the top table, who happened to be Oscar Wilde, and asked, 'How would you have delivered that speech?'

Under an assumed name', came the reply from Oscar Wilde.

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I was an ugly kid. My old man took me to the circus; we went to see the freaks. The owner looked at me, he said, "Get the kid out. He's distracting from the show!"

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I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi - yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.
- Rodney Dangerfield

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In my neighborhood, they got a children's zoo. Last week, four kids escaped.
-Rodney Dangerfield

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I was crossing the street, I got hit by a bookmobile. I was laying there in pain moaning, the guy went shhhhhhhhhhhh....
- Rodney Dangerfield

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1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.

2. Nice legs...what time do they open?

3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

6. I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one talking to you.

- Austin Powers.

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"You must be the world's only living brain donor."

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"She's as ugly as a bulldog chewing a wasp."

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Oh, kids are wild today. They get pregnant from eating chicken. Yeah, it's finger-lickin' good and one thing leads to another!
-Rodney Dangerfield

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Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

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If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?

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Hey, I don't get respect from anyone. Why, American Airlines, they thanked me for flying United.
- Rodney Dangerfield

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It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you into hot water.

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Constipation is the thief of time;
diarrhea waits for no man.

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With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.

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