Teh One Who Knocks
07-05-2012, 04:26 PM
Jon Dawson - Kinston Free Press
http://i.imgur.com/6YB32.jpg
In an effort to reshape its image, Hooters of America Inc. has announced it will be opening a string of all-male restaurants in the southeastern United States. The first of the mammary-free wing joints is scheduled to open in Kinston in the fall.
“For years, feminists and other granola-chomping nutbars have accused us of being a sexist organization,” Hooters Media Consultant John “Not Don” Johnson said. “We figured an all-male Hooters would shut ’em up; I suggested we just make the current waitresses wear burqas out of spite, but I was outvoted.”
The idea to say ta-ta to the Ta-Tas had many bumps in the road to overcome before it became a reality. Local newspaperman and former Mr. October in the ill-fated 1994 Gender Neutral Hooters Calendar Bryan Hanks said bringing Hooters to Kinston “was like having to ascend two fleshy gelatin-esque mountains while doing an impression of a motorboat.”
“It was hard,” Hanks said. “Hooters’ first choice was obviously San Francisco, but having the Patrick Holmes Spandex Emporium right here in town clinched the deal.”
Holmes could not be reached for comment, although he did issue the following statement through a subordinate who appeared to be malnourished and possibly beaten: “If you write about me in that column again, I will fire you. Furthermore, your children may have extra money in their pocket when Father’s Day rolls around.”
The only roadblock to the banana hammock edition of Hooters may be the pool of qualified male wing distributors.
“Most of the applicants who’ve applied for work at the Kinston location are obese, have an extra belly button, or are so hairy the Brazilian waxing bill alone would bankrupt us in a week,” Johnson said. “It’s like some of them have Buckwheat in a headlock down there.”
Local celebrity and former Howard Stern paramour Paulette Burroughs has landed a gig at the new tripod-friendly Hooters.
“I had a fresh vodka stand when I was a little girl,” Paulette said. “As I squeezed the juice out of those potatoes, I dreamed of the day I could work at a place full of scantily-clad men who smelled like fried chicken. For years I’ve had to settle for working at The Free Press, where the men all wear khakis and smell like defeat.”
Burroughs said her duties at the new Hooters include back hair maintenance and mustache shellacking.
While activist Gloria Steinem has been crocheting a victory mural out of old bras and bitterness, other women see the all-male Hooters as hurting their livelihood.
“We’ve got children to feed and husbands to support,” said Hooters’ waitress Cassie Smith from her home in Michigan. “A 300-pound executive told me to lose weight or I’d lose my job. I threatened to sue, so they started this ‘all-male’ Hooters thing.
“The only downside is that now the wait staff is hitting on the customers.”
http://i.imgur.com/6YB32.jpg
In an effort to reshape its image, Hooters of America Inc. has announced it will be opening a string of all-male restaurants in the southeastern United States. The first of the mammary-free wing joints is scheduled to open in Kinston in the fall.
“For years, feminists and other granola-chomping nutbars have accused us of being a sexist organization,” Hooters Media Consultant John “Not Don” Johnson said. “We figured an all-male Hooters would shut ’em up; I suggested we just make the current waitresses wear burqas out of spite, but I was outvoted.”
The idea to say ta-ta to the Ta-Tas had many bumps in the road to overcome before it became a reality. Local newspaperman and former Mr. October in the ill-fated 1994 Gender Neutral Hooters Calendar Bryan Hanks said bringing Hooters to Kinston “was like having to ascend two fleshy gelatin-esque mountains while doing an impression of a motorboat.”
“It was hard,” Hanks said. “Hooters’ first choice was obviously San Francisco, but having the Patrick Holmes Spandex Emporium right here in town clinched the deal.”
Holmes could not be reached for comment, although he did issue the following statement through a subordinate who appeared to be malnourished and possibly beaten: “If you write about me in that column again, I will fire you. Furthermore, your children may have extra money in their pocket when Father’s Day rolls around.”
The only roadblock to the banana hammock edition of Hooters may be the pool of qualified male wing distributors.
“Most of the applicants who’ve applied for work at the Kinston location are obese, have an extra belly button, or are so hairy the Brazilian waxing bill alone would bankrupt us in a week,” Johnson said. “It’s like some of them have Buckwheat in a headlock down there.”
Local celebrity and former Howard Stern paramour Paulette Burroughs has landed a gig at the new tripod-friendly Hooters.
“I had a fresh vodka stand when I was a little girl,” Paulette said. “As I squeezed the juice out of those potatoes, I dreamed of the day I could work at a place full of scantily-clad men who smelled like fried chicken. For years I’ve had to settle for working at The Free Press, where the men all wear khakis and smell like defeat.”
Burroughs said her duties at the new Hooters include back hair maintenance and mustache shellacking.
While activist Gloria Steinem has been crocheting a victory mural out of old bras and bitterness, other women see the all-male Hooters as hurting their livelihood.
“We’ve got children to feed and husbands to support,” said Hooters’ waitress Cassie Smith from her home in Michigan. “A 300-pound executive told me to lose weight or I’d lose my job. I threatened to sue, so they started this ‘all-male’ Hooters thing.
“The only downside is that now the wait staff is hitting on the customers.”