Teh One Who Knocks
07-29-2013, 11:25 AM
By Tim Stanley - The Telegraph
http://i.imgur.com/vNrqbPU.jpg
The week has barely begun and already the gods have served us up a fresh piece of crazy. It seems that teachers at the Nashongo and Makaba primary schools in Siavonga, Zambia have threatened to abandon their posts after a rash of indecent incidents involving invisible witches. According to Chief Sinadambwe of the Tonga-speaking people, the saucy sorcerers have been projecting their spirits into the teachers' bedrooms and molesting them. And they don’t even have the decency to call in the morning.
So far, the witches have declined to comment – but Chief Sinadambwe told the Zambia Daily Mail:
‘The male teachers complained that they have been having sex with women they cannot see. This has been happening to them for about three weeks.’
Dude, that's been happening to a lot of men since they were about 13. I hate to break this to the Chief but there’s actually nothing unusual about a guy having sex without a girl being physically present – in fact for many of us there is literally no other option.
Chief Sinadambwe says that similar incidents have been happening to the women, one of whom claims that she went to sleep and when she woke up found herself naked with her nightgown on the floor. Her husband “expressed ignorance” and the only conclusion that could possibly be drawn was that she was the victim of some esoteric tomfoolery. But the Chief says not to panic – he’s urged everyone to stay calm and “called on Government to help resolve the matter.” His leadership has certainly been reasonable. If this story was relocated to England, the NUT would blame the spate of invisible sex on Michael Gove's free schools and go on strike for the next six months.
I could check my privilege and acknowledge that fear of incubi and succubi was also once common in Europe, or else write sensitively about a foreign culture still rooted in cultural tradition. But Zambia is a country on the move (with a growth rate of around 6.5 per cent, it’s outstripping the UK) and it’s not unreasonable to say that invisible sex attacks should not still be happening anywhere in the world in the 21st century – especially when they are reported by teachers, who one hopes would be educated to a point of thinking such things are a Medieval fairy tale.
Alas, it seems that randy psychic witches are still regarded as quite common in modern Zambia. Back in May, the Mbala District Commissioner also felt compelled to ask local “wizards” to stop molesting teachers and pupils at Chipoka Primary School – the second of such incidents in nine years. What’s worrying about these stories is that a) they represent a sort of sexual abuse in themselves, either because they foster mass delusion or else disguise genuine incidents of physical rape, and b) they encourage violence against so-called witches. Just this month, an elderly Zambian couple was accused of black magic, beaten and burned to death. How strange it is that we live in an age of science and light and yet some of the people that we share the planet with still exist in a state of superstitious darkness. If what they believe is preposterous, we should have no shame is stating it – especially if it also potentially dangerous.
But to return to the fundamentally comic image of those male teachers lying awake every night in terror of being molested by an invisible witch. Guys, I have some advice for getting rid of those insatiable ladies of the night. Tell them you’re 31 and you still live with your mother. Trust me – you’ll never see them again.
http://i.imgur.com/vNrqbPU.jpg
The week has barely begun and already the gods have served us up a fresh piece of crazy. It seems that teachers at the Nashongo and Makaba primary schools in Siavonga, Zambia have threatened to abandon their posts after a rash of indecent incidents involving invisible witches. According to Chief Sinadambwe of the Tonga-speaking people, the saucy sorcerers have been projecting their spirits into the teachers' bedrooms and molesting them. And they don’t even have the decency to call in the morning.
So far, the witches have declined to comment – but Chief Sinadambwe told the Zambia Daily Mail:
‘The male teachers complained that they have been having sex with women they cannot see. This has been happening to them for about three weeks.’
Dude, that's been happening to a lot of men since they were about 13. I hate to break this to the Chief but there’s actually nothing unusual about a guy having sex without a girl being physically present – in fact for many of us there is literally no other option.
Chief Sinadambwe says that similar incidents have been happening to the women, one of whom claims that she went to sleep and when she woke up found herself naked with her nightgown on the floor. Her husband “expressed ignorance” and the only conclusion that could possibly be drawn was that she was the victim of some esoteric tomfoolery. But the Chief says not to panic – he’s urged everyone to stay calm and “called on Government to help resolve the matter.” His leadership has certainly been reasonable. If this story was relocated to England, the NUT would blame the spate of invisible sex on Michael Gove's free schools and go on strike for the next six months.
I could check my privilege and acknowledge that fear of incubi and succubi was also once common in Europe, or else write sensitively about a foreign culture still rooted in cultural tradition. But Zambia is a country on the move (with a growth rate of around 6.5 per cent, it’s outstripping the UK) and it’s not unreasonable to say that invisible sex attacks should not still be happening anywhere in the world in the 21st century – especially when they are reported by teachers, who one hopes would be educated to a point of thinking such things are a Medieval fairy tale.
Alas, it seems that randy psychic witches are still regarded as quite common in modern Zambia. Back in May, the Mbala District Commissioner also felt compelled to ask local “wizards” to stop molesting teachers and pupils at Chipoka Primary School – the second of such incidents in nine years. What’s worrying about these stories is that a) they represent a sort of sexual abuse in themselves, either because they foster mass delusion or else disguise genuine incidents of physical rape, and b) they encourage violence against so-called witches. Just this month, an elderly Zambian couple was accused of black magic, beaten and burned to death. How strange it is that we live in an age of science and light and yet some of the people that we share the planet with still exist in a state of superstitious darkness. If what they believe is preposterous, we should have no shame is stating it – especially if it also potentially dangerous.
But to return to the fundamentally comic image of those male teachers lying awake every night in terror of being molested by an invisible witch. Guys, I have some advice for getting rid of those insatiable ladies of the night. Tell them you’re 31 and you still live with your mother. Trust me – you’ll never see them again.