Time to be Offensive.....again!

[The Monk]

What has two legs and bleeds profusely?

Half a cat.

[The Monk]

What's red and orange and looks good on hippies?

Fire.

[The Monk]

Q: How many babies does it take to paint a wall red?

A: One, but you have to throw it really hard.

[The Monk]

Q: Why did the baby cross the road?

A: It was stapled to the chicken.

[The Monk]

Q: Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?

A: Because it was dead.




Q: Why did the baby fall out of the tree?

A: Because it was stapled to the koala.




Q: Why did the tree fall over?

A: The koala never let go.




Q: Why did the kangaroo die?

A: Because the koala landed on it.

[The Monk]

How do you get a goth out of a tree?

Cut the rope.

[The Monk]

Q: What did the deaf dumb blind kid get for christmas

A: A pinball machine

[The Monk]

Q: Whats black and blue and scared of me

A: The 8 year old in my closet

[The Monk]

Q: What's the difference between an abo bloke and a park bench?

A: A park bench can support a family.

[The Monk]

I met a girl last week who said she wanted to be treated like a princess, so I put her in the back of a mercedes and drove it into a tunnel wall.

[The Monk]

Q: What do you do if you see a paki run at you with half a head?

A: Stop laughing and reload.

[Teh One Who Knocks]

Q: Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?

A: Because it was dead.




Q: Why did the baby fall out of the tree?

A: Because it was stapled to the koala.




Q: Why did the tree fall over?

A: The koala never let go.




Q: Why did the kangaroo die?

A: Because the koala landed on it.

:lol:

[DemonGeminiX]

Today's Ebonics Word of the Day from the Public School System:


Omelette



Let's use it in a sentence:



"I should pop a cap in yo ass fo' what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide."

[Binky]

What's the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of babies?



You can't empty the truck of bowling balls with a pitchfork

[The Monk]

I saw a woman in the supermarket, struggling to control her kids. She looked really stressed. Then she accidently knocked over and smashed a bottle of milk.

She dropped to her knees and burst into tears, surrounded by spilled milk. It reminded me of something my dad used to say to my mum, so I walked over to her and said;

"Get a fucking grip, you stupid bitch."

[The Monk]

"This is the last time I'm going to tell you," I said to my daughter. "You can't have a mobile phone until you're fourteen."


"That's so unfair!" She screamed. "What am I supposed to use if I think I'm about to be raped?"


"Don't worry love, I've already thought about that," I replied, handing her a small parcel. "Here's your new camcorder."

[The Monk]

Who named Trojan condoms?

The Trojan horse entered through the city gates, broke open and loads of little guys came out and fucked everyone's day up.

Doesn't fill me with confidence.

[The Monk]

Just asked my barber for a Justin Bieber haircut.

Fucking twat just shaved my pubes off

[The Monk]

My wife left me today, she said it was because nothing she can do or say excites me any more.

If she had hung around for a bit after speaking those words, she'd have seen how wrong she was.

[The Monk]

I'm like an internet shepherd, only I herd porn. Hoard. Whatever.

[The Monk]

Why the fuck did The Flintstones celebrate Christmas?

[The Monk]

As I walked passed my ex, I gave her one of them horrible looks.


I threw sulphuric acid over her face.

[The Monk]

Checking out DFS with the family today. My 10 year old daughter was throwing a tantrum as she usually does when out doing 'boring' shopping with me and the wife. she cheered up instantly when I let her bounce up and down on one of the double beds in the store.

"She's always been good in the bedroom department," my wife said.

I calmly excused myself and hurried off to the toilet for a furious wank.

[The Monk]

Do Parkinson's sufferers stop shaking when they're cold?

[The Monk]

I rang up my little niece last week to see how she was doing: "So, what you been upto with yourself? Keeping busy?" I asked.

"Just school and Brownies, Uncle Barry. You got much on?" She replied

"Well, now that you ask, I'm wearing a crotchless catsuit and nursing a stinking hard-on, which I wouldn't mind ramming up your box."

[The Monk]

I was telling my wife earlier that I have an exciting new business idea, and we should get to work on it the next day.

"You know how ridiculous this sounds?! You're going to get up at 7am each morning and do a hard days work for the foreseeable future?" she quizzed.

"Of course" I replied.

She started to laugh in my face and quipped, "That will never work!".

"And why not?" I asked.

"You're black".

[The Monk]

http://i.imgur.com/AUz1l.jpg

[Dr Death]

http://i.imgur.com/AUz1l.jpgLMMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!! I going to hell!!!!! :lol:

[Foxdana]

LMMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!! I going to hell!!!!! :lol:

Thanks for saying that first! I did too! :lol2:

[The Monk]

LMMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!! I going to hell!!!!! :lol:


Thanks for saying that first! I did too! :lol2:


You're both sick.......I like that...:lol:

[The Monk]

http://i.imgur.com/3J96T.jpg

[The Monk]

Had to have a blood transfusion the other day. All they had left was 2 pints of African blood, and 2 pints of Pakistani blood. It's not as bad as it sounds I now have a 12 inch cock, and I'm top of the housing list.

[The Monk]

"I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Mr. Jones, but apparently your child was born with no arms, only one leg, and teeth that project six inches out of its mouth." Mr. Jones cries, "My God! What will we do with such a deformed baby?" The doctor says "Use it as a rake?"'

[Godfather]

:lol: These are so awesome.... so wrong, and so awesome

[The Monk]

http://i.imgur.com/dxwaq.jpg

[The Monk]

http://i.imgur.com/QOgWo.jpg

[The Monk]

http://i.imgur.com/aBMLQ.jpg

[The Monk]

You can buy it ??? :shock:




http://i.imgur.com/GTYlB.jpg

[St. George]

The other day my wife asked me to give her 12 inches and make her bleed. So I fucked her twice and smacked her in the face..........

......which reminds me.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.


What's blue and doesn't fit?
A dead epileptic


Why were there no n*****s on board the space shuttle?
They didn't know it was going to crash

What were the last words on board the space shuttle?
Alright then, let her drive.

This Paki dies and he finds his way up to heaven. St Peter's stood at the pearly gates, looks him up and down and says firmly, "What are you doin' here?". The Paki says, "I'm here for Jesus". St. Peter perks up, looks happier, then shouts, "JESUS, yer taxis here!"

What's white and transparent?
A Paki with the shit kicked out of him.


BTW Monk. 100% concentrated! :lol:

[The Monk]

btw monk. 100% concentrated! :lol:


wtf ?

[The Monk]

http://i.imgur.com/AtjrJ.png

[The Monk]

I walked into the pub toilet earlier, spotted a bloke at the urinals, and made my way to the cubicle.

Bloke laughed and said, "Embarrassed about your penis, hey, lad?"

A bit embarrassed, I said; "Of course not!" And made my way over to the urinal next to him.

What a hypocrite, he sure seemed embarrassed watching me take a shit.

[The Monk]

My wife has worked as a magician's assistant for years now. I think she has picked up a few tricks.
I came home from work early today and she was in the bedroom. She said, "Abracadabra!" and my mate, Dave, came out of the wardrobe, stark naked.
Poor bastard must have wondered what the fuck was going on.

[The Monk]

I was lying next to my new girlfriend and I said, "you're different to all the other girls I've slept with."
She said, "that's because I'm a bloke, you twat."

That's what I love about Martin... She's got a great sense of humour.

[The Monk]

"You can tell a lot about a person by their car."
For example: if it's in a ditch, it's a woman.

[The Monk]

I met two girls down the pub last night who had strong Cardiff accents.
I said, "I know that accent. You two ladies are from Scotland, aren't you?"
"Wales, you fucking idiot," one of them replied.
"Sorry," I said, "You two whales are from Scotland, aren't you?"

[The Monk]

I was planning on cheating on my wife the other day, but then i realised my daughter tells her mother everything.

[The Monk]

Me and my mate spiked a teenage girl last night and took her back to the house to rape her.
She must have taken a side effect from the drugs because she started vomiting everywhere.

That didn't stop my mate though, he had his cock right down her throat whilst she was throwing up.

I said him "you're fucking sick"!

[The Monk]

For fuck's sake, what a mess to sort out. I can't believe I've mixed their Valentine's Day cards up.

The girlfriend now thinks I love her and the wife thinks I want to fuck her.

[The Monk]

A soldier that has died in Afganistan has been named. He was described as "Everything an aspiring soldier should aim to be".

What, dead?

[The Monk]

If your wife ever slaps you across the face, just remember...

Winning hand over fist is only a saying.

[The Monk]

An African child dies from starvation every three seconds.

On the plus side, that's less money I need to give to Children In Need next year.

[The Monk]

BBC News: Singer George Michael has been arrested in Hampstead, London, on suspicion of being unfit to drive.

Mr Michael was unable to talk to police coherantly when he was pulled over.

He then removed Andrew Ridgeley's cock from his mouth,

[Noilly Pratt]

I chuckled...thanks Monk (although I felt horrible in doing so...):D

[Godfather]

http://i.imgur.com/AtjrJ.png

:lol: :lol: Sooooo bad

[The Monk]

I just found a lump between my testicles and, I don't mind admitting, it gave me a real scare.

Luckily, it turned out to be my fat sister who'd fallen asleep sucking me off.

[The Monk]

I had a German plumber in the other day. He accidentally connected the gas supply to the shower. Fuck!! Old habits die hard...

[The Monk]

I made dinner with my kid last night... well what else can you do with a miscarriage!?

[The Monk]

A man and his new bride check into a hotel, looking forward to their honeymoon. After they go upstairs the desk clerks looks up and sees the man walking downstairs with his tackle box and fishing pole. He walks out the door and is gone until nearly midnight.

Before dawn the next morning, once again the desk clerk sees the man walking out the door with his fishing pole and tackle box. He is gone all day and returns really late.

On the third day as the man walks down the stairs with his tackle box and fishing pole, the desk clerk stops him.

"Excuse me sir, but I understand you are on your honeymoon?" he asks. "Yes sir." The man replies. "Well, If my wife looked like that, I'd be upstairs in bed with her..." he says. "I can't, she's got gonorrhoea." the man replies casually.

"Okay, how 'bout a little oral action?" "Nope, she's got herpes." the man says calmly.

Agitated, the desk clerk says "Well, you could take the back door." "Nope, she's got diarrhoea."

Frustrated the desk clerk shouts "Well then what the hell did you marry her for?" The man smiles "She's got worms too... and they make good bait."

[St. George]

My little lad asked me what the difference was between a vagina and a cunt.
I said "your mum's upstairs having a lie down. We'll go up later and I'll show you". We went into the room and I peeled back the duvet and pointed at between her legs. "See son that's a vagina". "Oooh" he said, "can we touch it?"
"No you can't you'll wake the cunt up"

[Godfather]

My little lad asked me what the difference was between a vagina and a cunt.
I said "your mum's upstairs having a lie down. We'll go up later and I'll show you". We went into the room and I peeled back the duvet and pointed at between her legs. "See son that's a vagina". "Oooh" he said, "can we touch it?"
"No you can't you'll wake the cunt up"

:lol: Oh man, that's so bad

[Hugh_Janus]

most offensive one I've heard....

who is the most famous jewish cook?





























hitler

:shock:

[The Monk]

My eldest daughter is named Summer, as she is my ray of sunshine.

My youngest daughter is called Spring, as she gives hope of what is to come.

And my son is called Autumn, as he has Down's Syndrome and keeps falling out of trees.

[The Monk]

My missus looked hot today...

I could see her through the window as our house burnt down.

[The Monk]

My wife has asked me to get her some gloves to wear at her mother's funeral.

Does anyone know where I can buy those giant foam fingers?

[The Monk]

Quite apart from it being horrifically unhygienic not to wash your hands before picking your nose, sweaty fingers make the snot taste salty.

[The Monk]

evEr nitoced how hwrd it is to tpye wiht yuor left hnd whsilt you are wnaking?

[The Monk]

I find it hard to distinguish between muslim women and gay ninjas.

[The Monk]

I was french kissing a girl last night.
Afterwards, I could still feel her tongue in my mouth.
This was probably why she couldn't tell me she had leprosy.

[Griffin]

What did the leper say to the prostitute?




Keep the tip.

[The Monk]

The girlfriend just come to me in a foul mood telling me i was shit in bed last night.
I've never been so insulted!

Oh hang on... I stand corrected.

Apparently I shit IN the bed last night!

Phew.....that's a relief..

[The Monk]

I've just seen an advert saying that four African children die every minute.

It certainly made watching my egg boil more amusing.

[The Monk]

I heard that Justin Bieber has a 10 inch cock.

It's in his ass and belongs to Usher.

[The Monk]

FOR SALE:

1 can of pepper spray (used once)

1 rape alarm, mint condition

womans pink thong, small blood stain on front.

Looking for quick sale, all offers welcome.

[The Monk]

How do you know when a woman is to fat to fuck? You get her panties down to her knees and her cunt is still in them.

[The Monk]

I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse.

I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

[The Monk]

My teenage son came home last week and said, 'Dad, there's something I have to tell you. I've been trying for years to come to terms with it, but the fact is I'm gay.'

That must have taken some courage to say. I wonder how he's coming to terms with being homeless

[St. George]

What goes plink plink fizzzzzz

Two spastics in a bath of acid.

[The Monk]

The city of Detroit police department has announced this morning that all German Shepherd police dogs will be replaced by Coon Hounds due to the fact that the city is not having any problems with Germans.

[The Monk]

Don't you hate it when you're driving along, smoking a cigarette, and you flick your cigarette out the window, and you drive for a couple more miles, and you smell something funny, and you look over into the back seat, and, sure enough, Grandma's fingering herself again...

[The Monk]

After experiencing the discomfort and embarrassment of a prostate test on the National Health Service, a friend of mine decided to have his next test carried out while visiting in Thailand where the beautiful nurses are rather more gentle and accommodating. As usual he was asked to strip off, he lay naked on his side on the bed and the nurse began the examination. "At this stage of the procedure it's quite normal to get an erection" said the nurse. "I haven't got an erection" said the man. "No, but I have" replied the nurse.

[The Monk]

I woke up bald this morning! Obviously the wife misunderstood me when I suggested she shave her cunt!

[The Monk]

One thing is certain about the Japanese earthquake:

We're not going to be short of fucking photographs.

[The Monk]

Don't send any money in for the Tokyo Tsunami Appeal, they are minted. I have just seen a bloke on telly getting interviewed outside his house and he has two fucking massive boats on his drive....

[The Monk]

How can you spot a japanese prostitute?

She's the one in the fishnets.

[Softdreamer]

Just got off the phone to my Japanese friend, expected him to talk about the quake, but there must be a party cause he kept talking bout a big rave

[The Monk]

The wife was having a go at me. "Life's just one big joke to you isn't it."

"I don't know what you mean. Sit down luv and let's talk about it."

That's when I pulled her chair away.

[The Monk]

Just got off the phone to my Japanese friend, expected him to talk about the quake, but there must be a party cause he kept talking bout a big rave

I was just about to post that one....:lol:

[The Monk]

Seeing as the Japanese love endurance games, I think we should leave it at least a month before we send any rescue teams.

[The Monk]

There seems to be a lot of Japan jokes going round.

Must be something in the water.

[The Monk]

Bob Geldof has got musicians together for "Flood Aid". So far Muddy Waters, The Drifters, Wet Wet Wet and the Beach Boys have agreed to sing 'The Tide is High'

[The Monk]

I was so sad when I heard of the devastation in japan...

Who knows when the Wii 2 will come out now?

[The Monk]

I rang my mate in japan and asked him what he was up to...

He said "my neck"

[The Monk]

Turns out that when the whole population of China jump at the same time, it really fucks up Japan.

[The Monk]

http://chzdailywhat.files.wordpress.com/2011/03/d539576b-b468-449b-825c-64ae11ce3fd9.jpg



Following Gilbert Gottfried’s series of ill-conceived tweets poking fun at the devastation in Japan, Aflac informed the comedian, who has voiced the Aflac Duck for over a decade, that his services would no longer be required.

“Gilbert’s recent comments about the crisis in Japan were lacking in humor and certainly do not represent the thoughts and feelings of anyone at Aflac,” the company said in an official statement. “Aflac will immediately set plans in motion to conduct a nationwide casting call to find a new voice of the iconic Aflac Duck.”

[The Monk]

A tsuname has just hit an Abbo community in the north of Australia.

Authorities are expecting about $3,000,000 of improvements.......

[The Monk]

An Aussie farmer spots a bloke in his paddock and follows him. He catches up just as the bloke reaches one of the farm dams and stops for a drink, lapping water with his hand.

"Oi!! Mate !! Don't drink that shit....it's full full of chemicals, horse piss and cow shit!"

The bloke stops drinking and looks up with a bewildered expression.

"Sorry....no speak much Englisdh - I from Pakistan. What you say? Please speak slower."

"OK." said the farmer and slowly proceeded....." If - you - use - both - hands - you - won't - spill - so - much!"

[St. George]

I was out in the garden the other day and Mr Singh from next door pops his head over the fence. "You know what" he said, "I think I live in a better area than you." Considering we lived next door to eachother, I was a bit surprised so I asked, "Why's that then?"
"I don't have any paki's living next door to me!", he said.

[The Monk]

http://img823.imageshack.us/img823/3249/racistdaredevilkkknieve.jpg (http://img823.imageshack.us/i/racistdaredevilkkknieve.jpg/)

[The Monk]

It's all bullshit....check Google Street View - Japan looks fine.....

[The Monk]

My daughter came home from school in tears. I asked "What's the matter love?" She said "One of my teachers was arrested for abusing children today." I put my arm around her. "Did he do anything to you?" She shook her head "No." I asked "Then why are you crying?" She sobbed "Even the fucking paedophiles aren't interested in me coz I'm ginger." I didn't know what to say to her, she had a point.

[The Monk]

A fellow on his wedding night in the hotel says to his new wife. "My God! I never realised you had such huge droopy breasts." The wife has a major dummy spit and throws him out of the room.

While he is sitting in the hall another fellow comes out down the hall. "What happened?" asks the first man. "Well" replies the other "I first saw my new wife naked tonight, and all I said was 'Hells bells! I didn't realise you had such a big fat droopy arse...'"

Then she threw me out. Just then a third fellow comes storming out into the hall with a face like thunder "Hey" says the second fellow, "did you put your foot in it as well?" "No" says the third fellow, "But, I bloody well could have!"

[The Monk]

One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who surprisingly, did not whine, nag or bitch........





But this was a long time ago.....

and it was just ONE day.

The End

[The Monk]

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault.
She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!"
"I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies.
So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples.
The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!"
She looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???"
"DO IT!"
So the nurse sucks it back.
"That one there, drink that one as well.",
So the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

[The Monk]

Q: What is the difference between a midget and a freak?

A: Political correctness.

[St. George]

An old lady at a nursing home walks up to one of the male patients, lifts her skirt, points and says..."Super Pussy", puts her skirt down and walks away.

She then walks up another male patient, lifts her skirt, points and says..."Super Pussy", drops her skirt and walks away.

She then walks up to another man, lifts her skirt, points and says..."Super Pussy", drops her skirt.

The man looks at her and says..."I'll take the soup"

[The Monk]

http://ezpicshare.com/images/jesustermi.png

[St. George]

What's the toughest part of a cabbage to eat?
The wheelchair.

[Foxdana]

An old lady at a nursing home walks up to one of the male patients, lifts her skirt, points and says..."Super Pussy", puts her skirt down and walks away.

She then walks up another male patient, lifts her skirt, points and says..."Super Pussy", drops her skirt and walks away.

She then walks up to another man, lifts her skirt, points and says..."Super Pussy", drops her skirt.

The man looks at her and says..."I'll take the soup"

:lmao:

[The Monk]

After both suffering depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better, so I thought fuck it, I'll soldier on...!

[The Monk]

Why is the Catholic clergy so opposed to abortion?



Less children to molest.

[The Monk]

Give a Japanese man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give him a fishing net and he might find his kids.

[The Monk]

Does anyone else find it ironic that fish are now eating raw Japanese?

[The Monk]

-Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can't just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is YOUR job.

-Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after a while. A little snuggling isn't unreasonable, but when it's time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.

-Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he's pushing, skippy? Because you aren't doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he's given you. Pay attention to the signals that he's sending you.

- Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.

-Not shaving your legs. If you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.

-Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo-hoo dilly in your cha-cha. That's as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.

-Withholding oral sex just because you're ragging. He didn't do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he's hormonal, I suggest you get some knee pads.

-Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words.

Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you're having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like "I stubbed my toe" "I ran up the steps" or "I was putting up drywall".

-Leaving condoms up to him. If you're sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it's just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn't be having sex anyway.

-Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn't be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to cum, it's his way of showing that he cares if you get off.


-Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn't acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say NO like it's an invitation, don't look surprised when he "accidentally" sticks his cock in your butt.

-Expecting him to undress you. Women put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn't always easy. Help a brother out.

-Undressing in the dark. If you're shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.

-Refusing to get on top. There's no reason men should have to do all the work.

-Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn't suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.

-Expecting him to do all the touching when you're riding him. It's your body, you're used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.

-Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn't. It's your choice to stop, but don't look all fucking surprised when he's confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?

-Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don't ignore them.

-Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn't want to deal with the mess.

-Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.

-Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.

-Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a threesome. It's every guys dream.

-Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god-awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.

-Nails. It's one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. It's another when you snag the goods with a claw.

-Bitching when you get jizz on you. You're having sex. That will happen. That's the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and can't jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.

-Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he's the best you've had, even if he isn't.

-Faking orgasms. Just. Don't. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he's doing everything right. And if he doesn't know it's not working, he's not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.

-Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven't showered that day, and things smell a little... fishy... perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you.

-Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved beforehand. I don't care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.

-Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have these rare Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They'll wash.

-Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really fucking you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all it's cracked up to be.

-Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he's probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like "it happens to every guy". Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn't, get off another way with him. He's still capable of getting you off. Mumbling "forget it" and rolling over are not ok.

[The Monk]

I saw a Paki on a bike earlier and thought it would be funny to push him off.


Bad idea really, somebody reported me and I lost my gym membership.

[The Monk]

My wife asked me how I could love her and still enjoy watching porn.

I told her, I love my car but I still watch Formula 1 too.

She was happy with this analogy - I just never mentioned I also go to Hertz for the occasional rental.

[The Monk]

So, X-rated websites have been given the approval to have the XXX domain name?


Surely this is going to confuse the Americans when they are shopping for clothes online.

[The Monk]

I was ice-skating today just minding my own business when I noticed some big fat bird kept giving me the eye.
Eventually she came over. "Hi there I'm a bit shy I'm not very good at breaking the ice." She laughed.
"Have you tried jumping?" I asked.

[The Monk]

Women are like parking spaces

Sometimes, when all the good ones are gone, you have to settle for a disabled one

[The Monk]

Guy walks up to a really fat chick in a night club and asks her if she has a pen. She smiles and says yes, to which the guy says "Well you better fuck off back to it before the farmer notices you're gone!"

[The Monk]

I had rough, aggressive sex with my girlfriend last night. It's not what I'm into, but she initiated it. Yeah, she started it by not wanting to have sex with me. And saying she wasn't my girlfriend, and that she was just waiting for a bus.

[The Monk]

A Muslim kid can't find his Mum in the supermarket. The store attendant says 'What does your Mum look like?'



The kid says 'Fucked if I know...'

[The Monk]

At the reception following the marriage ceremony, Kate asked the Queen for the secret to a long and happy married life. The Queen replied "Wear a seat belt and don't piss me off".

[The Monk]

Pippa Middleton's arse is like a JK Rowling novel. You know that Harry is going to be in it.

[The Monk]

An aboriginal guy was trying to pick the lock on my car boot the other day. I told him "You behave yourself cunt, you're in there for a reason!"

[The Monk]

Man calls emergency and says "I think my wife is dead." The operator says "how do you know?" He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"

[The Monk]

A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he said "How far across the fucking field were you before you realised it was caught...?"

[The Monk]

I bought the wife a memory stick, it's great! She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating.

[The Monk]

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They've imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and are going to drill for their own oil.

[The Monk]

I persuaded my girlfriend to smuggle my coke through customs by sticking it up her arse. I didn't know I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

[Dr. Girlfriend]

A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her fanny on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he said "How far across the fucking field were you before you realised it was caught...?"

This one went right over my head.

I laughed pretty good at all the other ones, Monk! :tup:

[allsmiles]

What's the difference between a washing machine and your girlfriend?

You don't have to cuddle a washing machine after you dump a load in it.

[Softdreamer]

What's that pointless piece of flesh called around the outside of the vagina??



The woman.

[The Monk]

If I had a dollar for every time someone called my ex wife fucking ugly...

...I would have stayed with her for the money.

[The Monk]

ABC News: Syrians take to the street after 13yr old boy is tortured, killed and his body handed back to his family with the penis removed.

That sounds to me like Syria is ruled by an evil Dick-taker.

[The Monk]

ABC News: Bad drivers to face $100 fines

Seems a bit sexist.

[The Monk]

Max Factor mascara makes eyelashes appear three times longer?

Max Factor should make condoms.

[The Monk]

I was abused as a child by my Jewish neighbour.
I didn't know any different at the time, I just accepted it. It's only now I'm older I've realised what he did was strange.

The bastard used to charge me.

[Softdreamer]

I remember those Christmas eve's as a child, squeezing my eyes shut pretending to be asleep waiting for Santa to come.

And then the awkward moments while he got dressed and left.

[Teh One Who Knocks]

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of ham on a fresh
bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet
mustard. The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to
the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands but was stopped
by my wife suddenly at my side.

"Here, hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich," she
said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching
again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my
fingers.

I love mustard.

I had no napkin.

I licked it off.

It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I
have sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand,
I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do; only I did it on my tongue.

Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said,

"Now you know why they call that fancy mustard . . . "Poupon."

[Softdreamer]

I made a really great sandwich today, cheese, ham, tomato, a crisp lettuce leaf, garnished with whole grain mustard and coleslaw, all wrapped lovingly in a fresh baguette. Anyway, I left the room, for a few minutes (due to a fairly troublesome shit) and when I came back in it was gone. I was completely beside myself. I checked the fridge, the microwave, desperately trying to think where I could have put it. I had a look in the oven even though I knew I couldn't have put it there. I went back to the bathroom, tears forming in my eyes (though I maintain that it was from the smell I left in there rather than my emotional trauma) to see if I might have taken it up with me. Next I rushed round my housemates' rooms trying to find a potential thief, or failing that, at least getting some help on my search.

After half an hour of looking I came to a stunning realisation... I could easily have made another sandwich in the time I had spent looking for it.

In a completely unrelated matter, I have some advice for Kate and Gerry McCann.

[Hugh_Janus]

I'm ryan dunn and this is roadside barbecue

[Hugh_Janus]

apparently, elton john will be performing a version of one of his songs as a tribute to amy winehouse.... candle under the spoon

[The Monk]

apparently, elton john will be performing a version of one of his songs as a tribute to amy winehouse.... candle under the spoon

:thumbsup:

[The Monk]

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off. I said "Son, that's three schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether".

[The Monk]

This is as offensive as anything I have ever seen......:mrgreen:





http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fzVnpapHaX4&hd=1

[The Monk]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7ObUesxZxIg

[The Monk]

I met a girl in the park last night. We got chatting, and things were going well, so I thought I'd try my luck. I said "Simon says take your top off". Off it came. "Simon says take off your bra". Out came the titties. After I'd groped them for a while I said "Simon says get naked and bend over". I fucked her hard up the arse and came inside her. I then pulled up my pants and walked one way, as she ran off the other way, screaming. Its great having a knife called Simon.

[The Monk]

Some bastard's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line she's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.

[The Monk]

What's with this vajazzle stuff? In my day a cunt covered in jewellery was called Mr T.

[The Monk]

It's so hot today, I'm sweating like a paedophile at a hannah montana concert.

[The Monk]

I've just put 300 pounds on a horse.

I gave my wife a leg-up.

[The Monk]

In the toilet, I went up next to this other guy at the wide urinal to take a piss and he saw how big my dick was.

Quick erections aren't always a good thing.

[The Monk]

Cant wait for the minute silence at the memorial. It is the only time you get americans to shut the fuck up about what happened.

[The Monk]

I walked out of a club with a girl last night.

She slipped her hand inside my jeans, squeezed my cock and said, "Yours or mine?"

I said, "That's mine."

[The Monk]

I no longer see my wife and kids and it's all because of gambling.

I won shit loads of money and moved to a Pacific Island.

[The Monk]

They say so many people die because of alcohol...
Perhaps they never realised how many of them are born because of it.

[The Monk]

I've been married to my wife ten years today.

Having sex with just one person in ten years is pure dedication.

I don't know how she does it.

[The Monk]

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

[The Monk]

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely ruined our 10th anniversary.

[The Monk]

If my Internet gets any slower by the time this video has downloaded the girl in it will be legal.

[The Monk]

I took my wife out last night,and as I did up her zip,I thought she had never looked better.

Dead in a body bag.

[The Monk]

I've always stood up for black people.

It's not worth getting stabbed over a seat.

[The Monk]

So, Google has turned 13 today.

It's not the first time that a 13 year old has provided me with decent wanking material.

[The Monk]

My dyslexic wife takes it up the earholes.

[The Monk]

I don’t understand lesbians who use strap-on dildos.
I mean, if you want to feel a dick in your vagina, that means you’re straight, you silly bitch.

[The Monk]

So I guess Steve jobs should have invested more into medical research...

[The Monk]

Experts tell us that the best way to make a perfect cup of tea is to agitate the bag. So, every morning I shout "Two sugars, fat arse!"

[The Monk]

My virgin mate just pulled a girl while we were on holiday in Thailand. He said, "We're off back to the hotel room if you know what I mean - any advice?" I said "Yeah, make sure she wears a condom".

[The Monk]

Jack and Jill were twins who couldn't find dates to the prom. So Jill asked Jack to go with her. Jack said "No you're my sister. That's gross". Jill said "Come on. Promise me if you can't find another date, you'll take me". So Jack said okay.

Well Jack couldn't find a date so he went with Jill. They were just standing by the punch bowl, and Jill asked Jack to dance. Jack said "No you're my sister. That's gross". Jill said "Come on. It'll be fun". So Jack said okay, and they had a great time.

After the dance, Jill asked Jack to take her to Makeout Hill. Jack said "No you're my sister. That's gross". Jill said "We'll just talk, we don't talk anymore". So Jack said okay.

They were at Makeout Hill talking, when Jill moved to the backseat. Jill said "Come on, Jack, take me". Jack didn't argue. When Jack moved on top of Jill, Jill murmured "You're a lot lighter than dad". Jack said back "I know. Mum told me last night".

[The Monk]

I cracked her open like the freshness seal on a jar of salsa…
…and found that she was past her expiration date.

[The Monk]

I have just heard deaths from Turkey earthquake top 500,

If this has any adverse effect on my Christmas dinner I am going to be pissed.

[The Monk]

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capital letters.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:

"Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse".

Is everybody clear on that?

[The Monk]

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.

That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

[The Monk]

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog". The wife grimaces "But I don't like fishing!" "Look! We're going fishing and that's final". "Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"

"Right I'll give you three choices... one: you come fishing with me and the dog... two: you give me a BLOW JOB... three: you take it up the ass!" The wife grimaces again "But I don't want to do any of those things!"

"Wife I've given you three options. You HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!" The wife sits and thinks about it.

Twenty minutes later her husband comes back "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or UP THE ASS?"

The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "Okay I'll give you a blow job!" "Great!" He says and drops his pants.

The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her husband, "What the fuck!? It tastes absolutely disgusting... it tastes all... shitty!?" "Yep!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either".

[The Monk]

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of idiots saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist idiots. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

[The Monk]

Statistically, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

[Softdreamer]

Say what you will about pedophiles. At least they drive slowly past schools

[The Monk]

If a tree falls on a woman and no one is around to hear it, what was a tree doing in the kitchen?

[The Monk]

Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos.

She asks what are they made of.

The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair.

The woman said she could not afford that.

The assistant said says 'Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99.

[The Monk]

I drew a cock on my mates cheek, nobody else at the funeral seen the funny side of it.

[The Monk]

I've never laughed at kids with Downs Syndrome. Well, not until I saw one fall down an escalator...

[DemonGeminiX]

I like my women to be like my stove: smokin' hot, and in the kitchen.

[DemonGeminiX]

Why did the little boy drop his ice cream?

Because he was hit by a bus.

[The Monk]

People say that you shouldn't just make your mum feel special on mother's day and not the remaining 364 days.

So I did the right thing and treated her like shit on mother's day too.

[The Monk]

I was in a pub last night and saw two large girls by the bar. They both had strange accents so I said "Hello are you two girls from Scotland?" One of them screamed "Its WALES you fucking idiot!" So I immediately apologised and said "Sorry are you two whales from Scotland?"

[The Monk]

Two couples had gone away for the weekend. The two guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to do a bit of partner swapping for the night. After several drinks that night they succeed.

Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile.

The guys agreed that when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoons on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives.

The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hung over and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon three times against his coffee mug.

After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and three times on the peanut butter.

[The Monk]

Two couples had gone away for the weekend. The two guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to do a bit of partner swapping for the night. After several drinks that night they succeed.

Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile.

The guys agreed that when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoons on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives.

The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hung over and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon three times against his coffee mug.

After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and three times on the peanut butter.

[The Monk]

Girl: "So what do you do for a living then?" Bloke: "I'm a ventriloquist". Girl: "Really? You will have to show me some time". Bloke: "I can show you now if you like, let me put my hand up your skirt and I'll make your lips move".

[The Monk]

It’s a bizarre web app that, for a fee of $35, lets you turn your Twitter feed into four rolls of actual, usable toilet paper.

This isn’t a joke. It’s a real thing that exists.

I’m at a total loss for words on this one.

http://img43.imageshack.us/img43/1152/shitter.jpg


http://www.getshitter.com/

[The Monk]

How come all paedophiles look pretty much the same? Big beard, glasses, greasy hair... what is it about that look that kids find so attractive?

[The Monk]

Where the fuck is Batman when you need him.....?

[Loser]

:lol:

[Hugh_Janus]

http://i46.tinypic.com/zwj70g.jpg

[Loser]

Oh....wow......

I shouldn't...but I luld...:oops:

[PorkChopSandwiches]

Wow :shock: I loled too :oops:

[The Monk]

Well done.... you can both consider yourselves as officially "Offensive"... :mrgreen:

[Dovah]

http://i46.tinypic.com/zwj70g.jpg

Is it bad that I was looking forward to these macros?

[The Monk]

My wife said to me "Can you explain why I've just found a pair of women's panties in your jacket pocket?" I said "Yeah... cos you're a nosey cunt!"

[Griffin]

My exwife wanted me to explain the lipstick on my collar.
I said "because I used my shirt to wipe it off of my dick."

[The Monk]

I stopped this guy in the street, showed him a photo and said, "Have you seen this woman?"

He said, "No, who is she?"

I said, "She's my wife."

He said, "How long's she been missing?"

I said, "She's not missing, I just want people to see what I have to fucking live with."

[The Monk]

You wouldn't steal a car.
You wouldn't steal a film.

So why download a movie?

Because I don't like getting shot at whilst eating popcorn...

[The Monk]

I got banned from the bookshop today for moving all the 'Caution - Wet Floor' signs to the '50 Shades of Grey' shelf.

[The Monk]

I tried to log on to my computer this morning but it wouldn't let me in.

I shouted to my wife, "Babe, have you changed the password on the PC?"

"Yes honey."

"What is it?"

"It's the date of our anniversary."

Bitch.

[KevinD]

I didn't make this one..It was sent to me:

http://i450.photobucket.com/albums/qq223/kmdracer/imagejpeg952.jpg

[The Monk]

I didn't make this one..It was sent to me:

http://i450.photobucket.com/albums/qq223/kmdracer/imagejpeg952.jpg



:mrgreen: - I shouldn't laugh I know but what can you do...... ???

[The Monk]

I hate people who are mean to fat people. They have feelings to you know.


Like hunger and insecurity.

[The Monk]

Belarusian shot put gold medallist Nadzeya Ostapchuk has tested positive for a banned substance.

Testicles.

[Hal-9000]

Old Jewish perv to young boy on the street - Hey kid, wanna buy some candy? :naughty:

[The Monk]

I want a woman that makes my dick hard. Not my life.

[The Monk]

So...

Blacks are the best runners..

Whites are the best swimmers..

And the polar icecaps are melting....

Evolution at work.

[The Monk]

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

She nearly took my fucking eye out.

[The Monk]

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

She nearly took my fucking eye out.

[The Monk]

Just been watching Olympic Ladies Beach Volleyball and there's already been a wrist injury. But I should be ok by Monday.

[The Monk]

The wife came out of the bathroom and said "I have just shaved my pussy and you know what that means don't you...?" I said "Yeah... the fuck'n drain is blocked again!"

[DemonGeminiX]

My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.

She nearly took my fucking eye out.

LOL!

:lol:

[The Monk]

A man says to his wife "I had a wet dream about you last night". "Aww did you?" the wife replies. "Yeah, I dreamt you were hit by a bus and I pissed myself laughing"

[The Monk]

Dear Abbie, I was watching my next door neighbour's 14 year old daughter sunbathing from my bedroom window. The sight got too much for me and I started knocking one out. I had just finished and was wiping my knob on the curtains when I noticed my wife standing in the bedroom door. She had watched me from start to finish without saying a word. Is she a pervert?

[The Monk]

A Pakistani woman was sexually assaulted yesterday. Police are still trying to find a motive.

[RBP]

A Pakistani woman was sexually assaulted yesterday. Police are still trying to find a motive.

:lol:

[DemonGeminiX]

A man says to his wife "I had a wet dream about you last night". "Aww did you?" the wife replies. "Yeah, I dreamt you were hit by a bus and I pissed myself laughing"

:lol:

[The Monk]

I was watching Jurassic park the other day, when I thought, "Not only does my son have a stupid name, but he's also a shit driver".

[The Monk]

I was watching Jurassic park the other day, when I thought, "Not only does my son have a stupid name, but he's also a shit driver".

[The Monk]

The wife and I were lying in bed this morning when she said she thought the romance had gone out of our marriage. I wish she wouldn't disturb me when I'm having a wank.

[The Monk]

The girlfriend told me to go out and get some of those pills that will help me get an erection. You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

[The Monk]

I was standing in a bar and this little Chinese guy comes in and stands next to me. After a few minutes I said to him "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?" He says "No, why the fock you ask me dat?... Is coz I look Chinee?" No, I said. "It's because you're drinking my beer, you slant eyed little cocksucker".

[The Monk]

Heard my neighbour shagging for what seemed like ages last nite, moaning, groaning & banging the headboard off the wall! ... turns out her elderly mother had fallen over cracked her head & was knocking on the wall with her stick for help. ...feel a bit guilty about the wank now!

[The Monk]

Bloody women can be such ungrateful bitches!!

I made her breakfast in bed. But does she say "Thank you"? Oh no!! It's more like;

"How the hell did you get into my house? !!? "

[The Monk]

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him England...

[The Monk]

I was pretty excited when my new girlfriend sent me a text message claiming that she loves anal. Dyslexic bitch. Turns out that she love Alan, my best mate...

[The Monk]

Who said that English is easy, Fill the blank with a "Yes" or "No":

1. ______ I don't have a brain.
2. ______ I don't have sense.
3. ______ I am stupid.

[The Monk]

Little Johnny paints a sign that reads: "WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A DIME". He tells his buddy Roy to get his wagon and both sit under a shade tree in Johnny's front yard, waiting for business.

Kathy, across the street is not to be outdone, so she paints a bigger sign that reads: "WE MOVE ANYTHING FOR A NICKEL". She tells her friend Nellie to get her wagon, and they both sit in Kathy's yard.

Now Johnny's really pissed... how dare that GIRL? Then, in a flash of inspiration Johnny hauls Roy across the street. "Let's get some laughs... Say, Kathy... you'll move ANYTHING?" "Give me a nickel and I'll prove it to you". "Roy, give me your nickel!" Johnny takes it and hands it to Kathy.

"What you want moved, boy?" "Move my BOWELS!" Johnny says and starts laughing. So Kathy kicked the shit out of him.

[The Monk]

English girl in bed with her boyfriend says;

"How dare you call me a slapper!? Get out of my bed right now and take your mates with you!"

[The Monk]

I went to the doctor's office the other day at my wife's request and found our new family doctor is a young female.

I was embarrassed, but she said;

"Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out".

I said "My wife thinks my penis tastes funny".

[The Monk]

When asked about his views on the paedophile ring at the BBC, the Pope is reported to have said, "It is not the Vatican's policy to comment on the activities of a rival organisation."

[The Monk]

"Do you wanna be in my gang, my gang, my gang?"

To be honest, it's more of a ring actually.

[The Monk]

My son was standing at the school gates crying today when I picked him up.

I'm not surprised though, he's been there since Friday.

[The Monk]

"You haven't listened to a word I've said, have you?"

Always seems like a strange way for my wife to start a conversation with me.

[The Monk]

I walked in with a bunch of flowers today and my wife said, "Okay, what have you done now?"

"I slept with your sister," I replied.

"What? And you think a bunch of flowers is going to make me forgive you?" she screamed.

"What the fuck are you on about?" I replied. "They're for your sister."

[The Monk]

Josef Fritzl has divorced his wife of 55 years because she has never visited him in prison.

That's terrible. He went to see his daughter every day when she was locked up.

[The Monk]

I think my dog might be gay.

I play porn on the TV 24/7 yet he'd rather sit and watch me masturbate.

[The Monk]

Just managed to escape from a black copper.

The thieving bastard said he was nicking me.

[The Monk]

Took my wife to the doctors to sort out her tourette's, it turns out she doesn't have it. I am a cunt and she really does want me to fuck off.

[The Monk]

I borrowed a DVD from my mate entitled "Bald and Barely Legal". Went home and put the disc in the machine and sat with my erect cock in my hand ready to wank myself silly. I felt a right twat when the film came on. It was a Department of Transport film about tyre tread depths.

[RBP]

Took my wife to the doctors to sort out her tourette's, it turns out she doesn't have it. I am a cunt and she really does want me to fuck off.

:lol:

[The Monk]

Guaranteed to offend or at least make you sick!!

http://ist1-4.filesor.com/pimpandhost.com/6/0/5/4/60549/1/e/D/P/1eDPm/omg.jpg

[RBP]

why why why why did I click that why why why :puke:

[The Monk]

why why why why did I click that why why why :puke:


Obviously some people just don't read the warnings..... :lol:

[The Monk]

The wife said to me last night "If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the ass!" In hindsight maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first...?

[The Monk]

After sharing a couple of bottles of wine last night my wife turned to me and said, "Would you still love me if I was in a wheelchair and you had to look after me?"

It caught me by surprise and left me feeling really awkward.

I just don't know where she got the idea that I love her.