Teh One Who Knocks
01-22-2015, 12:18 PM
Siam Goorwich for Metro.co.uk
http://i.imgur.com/H15KXVml.jpg
Meet Tom. He’s everything that’s wrong with the modern world. Pray for him.
Tom Packer is a 26-year-old from Norwich (yes, home of Alan Partridge. How appropriate). He describes himself as ‘a cocktail bartender and… occasional writer’, and he’s looking for love.
But instead of just getting on with it like the rest of us, he’s decided to try and blag the money on crowdfunding site Indiegogo.
But why? Why can’t 26-year-old Tom pay for his own sodding dates? Well, the poor little mite explains: ‘I spend my time writing and making cocktails in a local bar. This, however, means that I sadly don’t have the funds for 13 dates, especially if I want to impress the ladies.’
*Takes a deep breath*
http://i.imgur.com/TIpdEwY.png
Tom goes on to explain that there’s apparently some ‘formula’ going round which says it takes 13 dates to find love, so he’s trying to sponge £1,300, as £100 seems ‘a fair enough average’ for a ‘good personal date’.
No, we have no idea what a non-personal date is either.
Anyway, it gets worse…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?x-yt-ts=1421782837&x-yt-cl=84359240&v=VvIoVpYozR8
Here are just some of the ‘rewards’ Tom is offering in exchange for your hard-earned money.
*Takes another deep breath*
£1 – A thank you from Tom (in the form of a ‘personal email’).
£10 – Signed photo. Yes, Tom the nobody from Norwich will give you a ‘signed limited edition print’… of his FACE.
£100 – A guaranteed date with Tom (in London… travel not included). But, as Tom points out ‘You could be The One’. Vom.
£500 – A date and a poem. Yes – for an extra £400 you get one of Tom’s cliché-filled poems (an example of which you can hear in his video above). Just take a moment to think about that, because for four hundred bloody pounds we’d want a first edition Wordsworth, mate.
http://i.imgur.com/4cGO4tz.png
And here’s the clincher…
£1,000 – The city of love (aka. a day in Paris with Tom). Which despite YOU having donated (i.e. paid) £1,000 for, Tom has the audacity to describe as, ‘I’ll take you to Paris’. No mate, the sucker ‘donating’ a grand to your apparent love quest is the one taking YOU.
Yes, from his slack work ethic, to his hipster-by-numbers look and cringe-inducing narcissistic outlook (seriously, who has the audacity to offer people signed pictures of their own bloody face?!), Tom really does manage to cram all the worst aspects of modern life into a too-tight waistcoat.
What a douche.
http://i.imgur.com/H15KXVml.jpg
Meet Tom. He’s everything that’s wrong with the modern world. Pray for him.
Tom Packer is a 26-year-old from Norwich (yes, home of Alan Partridge. How appropriate). He describes himself as ‘a cocktail bartender and… occasional writer’, and he’s looking for love.
But instead of just getting on with it like the rest of us, he’s decided to try and blag the money on crowdfunding site Indiegogo.
But why? Why can’t 26-year-old Tom pay for his own sodding dates? Well, the poor little mite explains: ‘I spend my time writing and making cocktails in a local bar. This, however, means that I sadly don’t have the funds for 13 dates, especially if I want to impress the ladies.’
*Takes a deep breath*
http://i.imgur.com/TIpdEwY.png
Tom goes on to explain that there’s apparently some ‘formula’ going round which says it takes 13 dates to find love, so he’s trying to sponge £1,300, as £100 seems ‘a fair enough average’ for a ‘good personal date’.
No, we have no idea what a non-personal date is either.
Anyway, it gets worse…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?x-yt-ts=1421782837&x-yt-cl=84359240&v=VvIoVpYozR8
Here are just some of the ‘rewards’ Tom is offering in exchange for your hard-earned money.
*Takes another deep breath*
£1 – A thank you from Tom (in the form of a ‘personal email’).
£10 – Signed photo. Yes, Tom the nobody from Norwich will give you a ‘signed limited edition print’… of his FACE.
£100 – A guaranteed date with Tom (in London… travel not included). But, as Tom points out ‘You could be The One’. Vom.
£500 – A date and a poem. Yes – for an extra £400 you get one of Tom’s cliché-filled poems (an example of which you can hear in his video above). Just take a moment to think about that, because for four hundred bloody pounds we’d want a first edition Wordsworth, mate.
http://i.imgur.com/4cGO4tz.png
And here’s the clincher…
£1,000 – The city of love (aka. a day in Paris with Tom). Which despite YOU having donated (i.e. paid) £1,000 for, Tom has the audacity to describe as, ‘I’ll take you to Paris’. No mate, the sucker ‘donating’ a grand to your apparent love quest is the one taking YOU.
Yes, from his slack work ethic, to his hipster-by-numbers look and cringe-inducing narcissistic outlook (seriously, who has the audacity to offer people signed pictures of their own bloody face?!), Tom really does manage to cram all the worst aspects of modern life into a too-tight waistcoat.
What a douche.