My Own Joke Thread - SFW, NSFW & Offensive Content

[The Monk]

An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an
Individual to fill a job opening.
After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were
equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one
question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the
job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" He looked
at the first man on his right.
The man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no
warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the
Fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he
asked the second man. "Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and
you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I
know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's
a very popular cliche for speed."
He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep,
TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he
had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.
Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the
same question.
Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers.
"It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."
"WHAT!" said the interviewer, stunned by the response?
"Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't
feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could THINK,
BLINK, Or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already shit in my pants."

Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you !!!!

[The Monk]

A guy had an interesting experience recently involving an "older" woman he met at a bar.

She looked pretty darn HOT for 62. She was drinking quite a bit and, while they were chatting, she came right out and asked him if he'd ever had a "sportsman's double" - a mother and daughter threesome.

He said no, but she might be able to talk him into it. So she slams back one last drink, wipes her mouth and, looking directly into his eyes, says, "Tonight's your lucky night."

So they go back to her place, she clicks on the hall light right as they enter her place, and she shouts upstairs:


"Mom! You still awake?"

[The Monk]

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you."

[The Monk]

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.

On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore."

I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe.

As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

[The Monk]

Two guys dressed in armour walk into a hotel lobby..

One says, "room for two knights please"

[redred]

got a new game for you

http://i.imgur.com/ECBzuyO.jpg

[The Monk]

The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers!

So I did; she's 21 and her name's Amy

[The Monk]

The police came to my house and asked where I was between 3 and 5?.

I told them pre school.

[The Monk]

My brother needed a bone marrow transplant

We found a match in Argentina

The operation was a success

Our thanks go out to Diego Marrow Donor

[The Monk]

My GF said if this tweet gets 1,000 likes we'll try anal, so please don't like this

Cos her strap-on is huge and scares the shit out of me!

[The Monk]

If you ever feel like your job is meaningless..

Just remember..

It's someone's job to fit indicators to BMW's.

[The Monk]

I've just posted a joke about @United Airlines...

But the company have now forcibly removed it!

[The Monk]

These @United Airline jokes really need to stop.

They're really being dragged out.

[redred]

:facepalm: :lol:

[The Monk]

If you ever Google 'Gary Oldman' for fuck sake don't forget the 'r'

[The Monk]

If a girl bangs 10 dudes in a year she is a slut.

If a guy does it, he's gay, definitely gay.

[The Monk]

Police are looking for a mugger who threatens his victims with a lit match..

They need to catch him before he strikes again.

[The Monk]

Chickens use just 2% of their brains.
KFC use the other 98%.

[The Monk]

My wife said I need to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no reason.

[The Monk]

My mate fucking hates his surname, Potato.

Although not as much as his wife, Jackie does.

[The Monk]

A sexy bird looked at my beer belly today and sarcasticly asked "Is it Fosters or Stella?"

I replied "there's a tap underneath, taste it!"

[RBP]

My mate fucking hates his surname, Potato.

Although not as much as his wife, Jackie does.

Jackie Potato

Can't figure this one out.

[redred]

Jacket potatoes?

[RBP]

Jacket potatoes?

:shrug:

[The Monk]

It's where you bake a whole potato in its jacket......

[The Monk]

My girlfriend asked me to buy some pills, so that I could finally get an erection...

I bought her some diet-pills!

[The Monk]

http://i.imgur.com/O42JQNY.jpg


http://i.imgur.com/yIWxvD7.jpg


http://i.imgur.com/eHaLbgv.jpg


http://i.imgur.com/YNNzmiY.jpg

[The Monk]

I found a hole in one of my trainer that's just big enough to put my finger through.

One complaint from her, and I'm now banned from the gym.

[The Monk]

A woman weightlifter goes to the doc's:

"I've been taking steroids, & now I've grown a cock"

"Anabolic" says the Doctor

"No just a cock!"

[RBP]

A woman weightlifter goes to the doc's:

"I've been taking steroids, & now I've grown a cock"

"Anabolic" says the Doctor

"No just a cock!"

http://i67.tinypic.com/23wryx5.jpg

[The Monk]

If you've ever wondered what it'd be like to be married...

Find a woman who doesn't want to have sex with you, and buy her a house.

[The Monk]

I found out two things today.

1. My computer will always be better than me at chess.

2. I'm better than it at kick boxing.

[RBP]

If you've ever wondered what it'd be like to be married...

Find a woman who doesn't want to have sex with you, and buy her a house.

:sad2:

[The Monk]

I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait no..It was a florist

[The Monk]

Man say to his wife: "I have a problem at work..." Wife: "Hun, now that we're married, you don't say you have a problem you say we have a problem". Man: "Okay, we've knocked up our secretary..."

[The Monk]

What do a gynaecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common? They can both smell it but can't eat it.

[The Monk]

80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says "Close enough".

[The Monk]

A man with a mask on walks into a bank and goes to the desk. He pulls out a gun and points it at the lady at the desk. He says "Open the vault, bitch!" The woman says "Sir, this is a sperm bank. We don't have any money here!" The man says "Open the vault RIGHT NOW or I'm going to blow your fucking head off!!"

She opens the vault and turns back to the man and he said "Take out one of those jars". The woman says "Please sir, I promise you we don't have any money here. This is a sperm bank". The man said "Take out one of those jars right now or I'll blow your fucking head off'.

The women turns, grabs the jar and looks back to the man and he said "Take lid off and swallow it". She looks at him in disgust and pleads to him saying "Sir, this is sperm. Please, I'm not drinking sperm. We don't have any money here. Please leave". The man says "Take the lid off and drink it or I'll blow your fucking head off!"

So the woman takes off the lid and downs it no problem, then turns to look back at the man. To her amazement he whips off the mask and it was her husband. He looked at her and said "See! It's not that fucking difficult is it?!"

[The Monk]

"Mum! I'm going out!"

You're not leaving this house until you change that miniskirt!!

"Why?"

Because I can see your balls, Richard.

[The Monk]

I had a dream I was swimming in a ocean of orange soda. Turns out it was just a Fanta Sea.

[The Monk]

Just bought some Viagra tea bags.

They don't improve your sex life, but they stop your biscuits going soft.

[redred]

Why do so many Australian men suffer premature ejaculation? Because they have to rush back to the pub to tell their mates what happened!

[redred]

Why wasn't Jesus born in Australia? He couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

[lost in melb.]

:hand:

What's the difference between England and a tea bag? The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

[redred]

:lol:

[The Monk]

http://i.imgur.com/lDUjgou.jpg

[The Monk]

http://i.imgur.com/Idozqh3.jpg

[The Monk]

My wife asked me where I'd like to be buried?

Apparently "balls deep in your sister" wasn't the answer she was expecting.

[The Monk]

Marriage is like a deck of cards.

In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end you wish you had a club and spade.

[The Monk]

What's the difference between a car and a golf ball?

Tiger Woods can just about drive a golf ball.

[The Monk]

My wife complained that I never see things from her point of view...

So I looked out of the kitchen window!

[The Monk]

Shaving with a razor takes a lot of courage. I used to shave my privates with one.

But I don't have the balls to do that anymore.

[The Monk]

I saw a man going up a hill with a trolley full of horseshoes and rabbit's feet...

I thought 'He's pushing his luck!'

[The Monk]

Son: What's love juice daddy?

Me: It's what 2 people make when they're having exciting sex. Anyway? What are you watching?

Son: Wimbledon

[The Monk]

I asked my daughter if she’d seen my newspaper?

She said they're old school and handed me her iPad.

That fly didn’t stand a chance.

[The Monk]

If I had a penny for every time someone called me sexist... I'd probably be earning more than the average woman.

[The Monk]

A guy with a black eye walks into a bar and orders a triple bourbon. The bartender says "Having a tough day, huh?" The guy says "Yeah. My wife and I were doing the dishes and she turned to me and said 'Why don't we ever make love like in the movies?' So I bent her over the kitchen table, yanked her pants down and rammed it in. I jackhammered her and slapped her on the ass as I pummelled her. Then I pulled it out, turned her around and blew my load all over her face". The bartender said "Wow! But what's up with the black eye? "Turns out we watch different movies".

[The Monk]

My neighbour knocked on my door this morning at 3:00 AM..

Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

[The Monk]

My missus walked in on me masturbating to an optical illusion.

I said... "Wait a minute Sweetheart, it's not what it looks like!".

[The Monk]

I used to be schizophrenic..... but we're okay now.

[The Monk]

What do you get when you divide a poop into three?


Turds! :mrgreen:

[The Monk]

http://i.imgur.com/S63oUbB.jpg

[The Monk]

What do you call a girl who sets fire to her credit card statements?

Bernadette.

[The Monk]

After spending 20 minutes trying to get my Wifes bra off, I decided to give up,

I wish I'd never put it on now.

[The Monk]

Ray came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said "You died in your sleep, Ray". Ray was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!" St. Peter said "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken".

Ray was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day going here?"

"Not bad" replied Ray the hen "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!" "You're ovulating" explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?" "Never" said Ray.

"Well, just relax and let it happen" says the rooster. "It's no big deal.

He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming!

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard...

"RAY, WAKE UP! YOU SHIT THE BED!"

[The Monk]

http://i.imgur.com/AogMero.jpg

[The Monk]

If reincarnation existed every man would come back as a spider, just to hear a woman scream "Oh my god it's fucking huge"

[The Monk]

Unexpected sex is one of the best ways to wake up.

Unless you're in prison.

[The Monk]

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired however (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'

HOWEVER... the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery because she probably doesn't have health care and her hospital stay won't be covered visit anyway, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.

I love a happy ending!

[The Monk]

Paddy was planning to get married and asked his doctor how he could tell if his bride is a virgin.
The doctor said, “Well, you need three things from a do it yourself shop.
A can of red paint, a can of blue paint… and a shovel.
”Paddy asked, “And what do I do with these, doc?”
The doctor replied, “Before the wedding night, you paint one of your testicles red and the other one blue.
If she says, ‘That’s the strangest pair of balls I ever saw.’, you hit her with the shovel.”

[The Monk]

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent". "Thank God" said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay".

[The Monk]

A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says "I can't believe anybody would fuck my wife after only five beers!"

[The Monk]

It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey. But I've turned myself around and that's what it's all about.

[The Monk]

I said to the wife "I thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, but when I looked again it said 'Thick Cut'"

[The Monk]

The first time I asked a woman to have sex with me my hands were sweating and shaking uncontrollably... I'd never pointed a gun at anyone before.

[The Monk]

I don't like telling jokes about Muslims. A lot of them have a very short fuse.

[The Monk]

Man & beard 50 years ago “Going to the woods to chop down trees”
Man & beard today “Going to the shop there's a face mask thats gluten-free”

[The Monk]

I spent all day yesterday bobbing up and down in the water.

It's been my dream ever since I was a little buoy.

[The Monk]

Went to the sperm clinic earlier.
The lady asked if I'd like to masturbate in the cup?

I said 'I'm good but not ready for competition yet'

[The Monk]

http://i.imgur.com/mjdvfiW.jpg

[The Monk]

Woman: Does Viagra work?

Pharmacist: Yes

Woman: Can you get it over the counter?

Pharmacist: Yes if I take two....

[The Monk]

Me: A nice bunch of flowers for the wife please

Florist: Certainly, sir. Are you looking for anything particular?

Me: A blow job hopefully

[The Monk]

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it…

We went out and had some drinks..

Cool guy..

Wants to be a web developer.

[The Monk]

Went for an interview at a Blacksmiths

Blacksmith:
"Are you any good at shoeing horses?"

I said:
"No but I once told a Donkey to fuck off"

[The Monk]

Ice cream man found dead today!

His head was covered with sprinkles & chocolate sauce.

Police believe he may have topped himself.

[The Monk]

"Daddy, what's a transvestite?"

"Ask your mother, he'll tell you!"

[The Monk]

"Mum! I'm going out!"

You're not leaving this house until you change that miniskirt!!

"Why?"

Because I can see your balls, Richard.

[The Monk]

I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer (a girl) came up behind me, and slapped me on the butt. She said "Hey sexy, how about giving me your number". I looked at her and said "Have you got a pen". She said "I sure do". I said "Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you're missing".

[The Monk]

A while ago I had a blind date with a Jewish girl. She asked me for my number. I told her that these days, we usually use names.

[The Monk]

What's long and thin, covered in skin, red in parts, and goes in tarts?

Rhubarb

[The Monk]

My wife's fanny smells like roses.

But Rose's fanny is tighter.

[The Monk]

Facebook is a bit like checking your underwear after a fart, most likely there's nothing new, and if there is, it's probably shit.

[The Monk]

https://i.imgur.com/DrY2LEB.jpg

[The Monk]

I only believe in 12.5% of the bible - I'm and eighth theist.... :lol:

[The Monk]

The guy to convince the first blind man he needed sunglasses must have been one hell of a salesman.

[The Monk]

A woman weightlifter goes to the doc's:

"I've been taking steroids, & now I've grown a cock"

"Anabolic" says the Doctor

"No just a cock!"

[The Monk]

I met a girl with 12 nipples today

Sounds fun

Dozen tit

[The Monk]

What a day! The police came around and accused me of stealing my neighbours underwear...

I nearly shit her pants!

[The Monk]

I see that #WorldSightDay is trending today.

I didn't see that coming.

[The Monk]

Opinions are like orgasms...

Mine is more important, and I don’t really care if you have one.

[The Monk]

My missus isn't talking to me as apparently I ruined her birthday.

Not sure how I did that!

I didn't even know it was her birthday!

[The Monk]

Fell asleep at a party last night, and someone put a teabag in my mouth, i went mental!!!!

No one treats me like a mug.

[The Monk]

What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?


.. A pick pocket snatches watches.....

[The Monk]

I didn't know what to wear to the Premature Ejaculation Anonymous meeting...

.... so I just came in my pants.. :lol:

[The Monk]

My wife said if this tweet gets 1,000 RTs we'll try anal, so please ignore this!

Her strap-on is huge and scares the shit out of me!

[The Monk]

https://i.imgur.com/MCH6TUB.jpg

[The Monk]

“Sir your car was swerving all over the road”
“Sorry officer I’ve had ten pints and feel pissed.”
“That’s no excuse to let your wife drive!”

[The Monk]

A WARNING TO ALL MEN!

Women are using date rape drugs called "blowjobs" to lure men into scams called "relationships"

[The Monk]

They say makeup sex is the best!

I must be doing it wrong though, and now I’ve only gone and got a lipstick stuck up my bum.

[RBP]

I guy is sitting at the bar after work, totally smashed. He realizes what time it is and declares to the bartender, "Oh man, I am so late, my wife is going to kill me!" then he barfs on his shirt. "Oh man, now I'm really going to get it!"

The bartender says, "not to worry, just put a Ten in your shirt pocket, and tell the wife that someone at the bar got sick, but gave you $10 for dry cleaning."

So the guy gets home, takes off his clothes and climbs into bed. His wife is pretty steamed, and she gets up and decides to pick up his things and put them in the hamper. "What the hell happened to you?" she barks. "Your clothes are a mess!"

"No worries dear. A guy at the bar puked but gave me $10 for dry cleaning..."

His wife says "But this is a $20!"

"I know, the motherfucker shit my pants too."

[The Monk]

You know you masturbate too much when you drop your wank sock and your wife shouts from the other room, "I hope that wasn't one of the good plates."

[The Monk]

A man was walking his dog through a graveyard when he saw another man crouching behind a gravestone.

"Morning!" he said.

The other man replied, "No, just having a shit"

[The Monk]

A girl came up to me in a club and said "I haven't had a cock for nearly three weeks now". I invited her back to my place, and she started fooling around. We got undressed. That was when I noticed that she still had the scars from surgery!

[The Monk]

My mate's shagging twins, who both like it up the arse. I asked how do you tell them apart? He said oh thats easy, Sally's got massive tits and a nice shaven fanny and Derek's got a moustache and big bollocks!

[The Monk]

My wife says I don't satisfy her anymore.

Probably because I'm a man, not a fucking cake shop...

[The Monk]

Lazy People Fact #5626728943

You were too lazy to read that number.

[Muddy]

Lazy People Fact #5626728943

You were too lazy to read that number.

Because reading that number serves no purpose. Which would make my statement a Smart Person Fact. :mrgreen:

[The Monk]

Because reading that number serves no purpose. Which would make my statement a Smart Person Fact. :mrgreen:

But what if further down the list at Fact #5626728962 you regretted not knowing Fact #5626728943 where it may be mentioned only by number.... :?: :lol:

[The Monk]

Tampax have announced that they will be replacing their traditional tampon string with tinsel.

This will be for the Christmas Period only.

[The Monk]

After some great sex, she lies there stroking his prick.
He asks, “Do you want more sex?”
“No,” she replies, “I’m just admiring your cock... I really miss mine.”

[The Monk]

Q. What do a fat chick and a moped have in common?
A. They are both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.

[The Monk]

Q. How do gays refer to hemorrhoids?
A. Speed bumps.

[The Monk]

There once was a fellow named Dave
Who dug up a whore from her grave
She was moldy as shit
And missing a tit
But think of the money he saved!

[The Monk]

They say the best way to make a cup of tea is to agitate the bag.

So I poke the Mrs and say put the kettle on fatty.

[RBP]

Family farming couple reaches 40 years married. The misses decides to spice things up for the occasion. Mood lighting, rose petals, Whiskey at the bedside table. She even got wild enough to buy some crotchless panties!

Her husband comes in after a long day in the fields and is stunned by the sexy setting. When he gets to the bed, she spreads her legs in her new panties and says "you want some of this tonight?"

Farmer says, "Hell naw! Not after seeing what it did to your drawers!"

[RBP]

A hooker brings a client to her condo on Lake Shore Drive in Chicago. The client asks her if she gives good hand jobs.

"You see this condo? I bought it by giving good hand jobs."

Her client tells her to give him a hand job. Afterwards, he is impressed and asks her if she gives good blow jobs.

"Look out the window. See that red Ferrari on the street? I bought it by giving good blow jobs."

Her client asks her to give him a blow job. Afterwards, he is really impressed and asks her if she is good in bed.

"Look out the window. See that big yacht out there on Lake Michigan? I could own that if I had a vagina."

[RBP]

Q: What are a woman's four favorite animals?

A: A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom and an ass to pay for it all.

[The Monk]

Sky News are reporting that the Irish have joined in the attack on Syria. They sent in 3 ships - 2 full of sand and one full of cement. It was a mortar attack.

[The Monk]

My son asked me today "What's the difference between a crow and a blackbird?" I told him crows have somewhat heavier beaks and fan shaped tails whereas a blackbird has big rubbery lips, fuzzy hair and a massive arse.


--


I was feeling down earlier so I dipped my Muslim friend in bleach. I thought I'd try to lighten Mahmood.

[The Monk]

I bought the wife a memory stick, it's great!

She hasn't forgotten my beer, dinner or sex once since the first beating. 

[The Monk]

Shaving with a razor takes a lot of courage.

I used to shave my privates with one..

But I don't have the balls to do that anymore.

[The Monk]

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

[The Monk]

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That's when he realized he had made it home safely.

[The Monk]

ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY". And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel!

[The Monk]

-The wife's back on the warpath again.
She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

[The Monk]

I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

[The Monk]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me—it was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day her “little” sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn’t overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn’t say a word.

She said, “I’m going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.”

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.

I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car. Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, “We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn’t ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.”

And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms in your car.

[The Monk]

What did Jesus say to his 12 apostles as he was being nailed to the cross?

"Don't touch my Easter eggs, I'll be back on Monday."

[The Monk]

An English guy relocates to a remote mountainous area of Arkansas USA.

He'd been living there a few days, when the phone rang.

He answered the phone and the guy on the other end introduced himself as his neighbour, he told him he lived on a smallholding a few miles away and would like to welcome him to the area.

The neighbour then said, "Why don't you drop by on Saturday at about 7.30 for a cook out?"

"Yes, I'd like that", said the Englishman, "But what's a cookout?"

The neighbour said, "Well, we eat as much as we want, drink as much of the amber brew as we want and have as much sex as we want".

"The Englishman said, "Sounds great, what's the dress code?"

"The neighbour said, "Wear what you like friend, there'll only be the two of us".

[The Monk]

THE WAR AGAINST TERRORISM....
....God's way of teaching geography to Americans!

[The Monk]

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper.

To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

[The Monk]

After a 15 day trek through Tibet, I finally arrived at my destination.

I approached the orange robed Buddhist monk on the front gate to make sure.

"Excuse me brother", I said, "I have travelled many miles. Can you tell me, is this the Buddhist Temple of the Forgotten Vow of Silence?".

He replied, "It is weary traveller. Come in and......oh, for fucks sake!"

[The Monk]

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She said, "Nothing would make me happier than diamond earrings."

So I got her nothing.

[The Monk]

A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he's half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he's all right.

"I've got a problem, boss. I'm stuck 'ere. I've hit a pig!"

"Ah well, these things happen sometimes," the boss says.

"Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark."

"But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing, and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me!"

"Never mind," says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home."

"Okay, boss."

Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the young fella. The boss gets back on the CB. "What's the problem, son?"

"Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck."

"What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?"

"Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck."

[The Monk]

A welsh bloke is having a driving lesson when the instructor says, "Can you make a U-turn?"

The Taffy replies, "Make a ewe turn? I can make its fucking eyes water!"

[The Monk]

My next door neighbour caught me using his broadband.

"It's your own fault," I said. "You should have a password on it."

"Never mind that," he shouted. "Get the fuck out of my house!"

[The Monk]

I broke down on the moors on a stormy night.

I braved the storm to reach a farmhouse, to seek refuge for the night.

When I asked the farmer if he could accommodate me, he said, "I only have four bedrooms, I use one and the other three are occupied by my three gay sons. You will have to share!"

I thought, "Shit, I'm in the wrong fucking joke".

[The Monk]

On Halloween I shouted through to the wife.

"Honey there's a witch at the door what shall I do?"

She replied, "Just give her some sweets and tell her to fuck off."

My mother-in-law hasn't spoken to me since.

[The Monk]

The other day I found an Action Man doll on my doorstep. That was followed the next day by a model car.

This morning there was a Barbie.

I think someone’s toying with me.

[The Monk]

At the church meeting, the preacher announced, "Anyone with a special concern or problem who wants to be prayed over, please come forward." Billy Bob got in line, and when it was his turn, the preacher asked, "Billy Bob, what is your need that you want me to pray about?”

Billy Bob replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand on Billy Bob’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Billy Bob’s head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a blue streak for Billy Bob and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Billy Bob, how is your hearing now?"

Billy Bob answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week.”

[The Monk]

A blonde gets to fly in an airplane for the first time. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing 747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....." She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "Be silent!" There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, "OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."

[The Monk]

Last night I got thrown out of the casino.
I completely misunderstood the crap table.

[The Monk]

A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said: "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

[The Monk]

Did you hear William Shatner once proposed to Stevie Nicks?

She declined because she didn't want to change her name to Stevie Shatner-Nicks

[The Monk]

The barman says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”

A time traveller walks into a bar.

[The Monk]

https://i.imgur.com/IlKdntV.jpg

[The Monk]

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the prairie when Tonto gets down from his horse and puts his ear to the ground. He looks at the Lone Ranger and says "Buffalo come." The Lone Ranger looks at him and says, "Wow, that's amazing! How did you figure that out?"

Tonto looks at the Lone Ranger and says, "Ear sticky!"

[The Monk]

A German is driving his car in Britain. A British cop pulls him over to the side of the road. Cop: "Sir, do you realize that there are two poisonous snakes on your windshield?" The German: "Off course! Zey are my vinscreen vipers!"

[The Monk]

People born before 1946 are called – The Greatest Generation.

People born between 1946 and 1964 are called – The Baby Boomers.

People born between 1965 and 1979 are called – Generation X.

And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called –Generation Y.

Why do we call the last group –Generation Y ?

Y should I get a job?

Y should I leave home and find my own place?

Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?

Y should I clean my room?

Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?

Y should I buy any food?


https://i.imgur.com/lBf9FfI.jpg

[RBP]

Skinny little Irishman gets into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him. He looks down at the Irishman and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown”

The little Irishman faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him......The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?”

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you just say to me?”

The big dude says, "Well, I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me............... I'm 7 foot tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each....and my name is Turner Brown”

The little Irishman says:

"Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus.........I thought you said, "Turn around!"

[RBP]

A small business was going through some hard times. The manager had a tough decision to make: One of the two new-hires will have to go. It's either Jack or Jill. As he passes Jill in the hallway, he runs it by her. "I need to lay you or Jack off." She says, "Jack off ! I'm on my break."

[The Monk]

The other day I went to the ATM and this old woman asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

[The Monk]

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

[Griffin]

If someone with a toe fetish cheats on their partner,
... would you say they got off on the wrong foot?

[The Monk]

The worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle. It really was a vile inn.

[The Monk]

Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque.. They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside...

[The Monk]

Dora the Explorer has got a little Muslim friend called Doda The Exploder.

[The Monk]

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realised I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me... then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

[The Monk]

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts "That's just for starters!"

[The Monk]

I walked in on my daughter masturbating this morning. She is still too young to understand what I was doing, though.

[The Monk]

Nelson Mandela is relaxing at his farm when a Japanese man knocks on his door with a truckload of tyres. Thrusting a clipboard in front of Mandela, he said, "You sign."

"They are not for me, I have already retired," Mandela said.

The man went away unhappy.

Next day, he returned with a truck full of exhaust pipes and again said to Mandela, "You sign."

"I am getting exhausted with all this nonsense," Mandela said. "Go away. They are for somebody else."

The man was decidedly peeved, but next day he returned with a truckload of brake pads.

Nelson Mandela yelled, "Give me a break, you have got me confused with somebody else."

The Japanese man looked at his invoice and asked, "You are not Nissan Main Dealer?"

[The Monk]

Kiss is merely shopping upstairs,
For merchandise downstairs.

[The Monk]

A drunk is sitting on the street curb in front of a bar. A stranger comes buy and asks if he's okay. The drunk replies by asking "Do you know who I am?" The stranger says "No. Who are you?" The drunk proudly says "I'm Jesus Christ... and I can prove it! Come with me!" They enter the bar and the bartender looks up and yells "Jesus Christ! Are you here again?"

[The Monk]

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say hello to his friends.
Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi. How was'a da treep?"
Luigi said, "Ever'thing was'a perfect except for da train'a ride down."
"What'a you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
"Well, we board'a da train at Grand Central'a Station. My beautiful'a Virginia had packed a big'a basket a food with vino and cigars for'a me, and'a we were looking 'aforward to da trip. All was OK until we got'a hungry and opened up'a da lunch'a basket.
"The conductor came by, wagged his'a finger at us and'a say, 'No eat in dese'a car. Must'a use'a dining car.'
"So, me and my beautiful'a Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a big'a lunch and begin to open'a bottle of vino.
Conductor come again, wag his'a finger and say, 'No drink'a in dese'a car. Must'a use'a club'a car.'
"So we go to club'a car. While'a drinking vino, I start to light'a my big'a cigar.
The conductor, he wag'a his finger again and say, 'No smoke'a in dese'a car. Must'a go to smoker car.'
"We go to smoker car and I smoke'a my cigar.
Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car and'a go to bed.
And then here come’a the conductor, he come'a through the car yelling, 'NO-FOLK'A, VIRGINIA!'"

[The Monk]

At New York's Kennedy airport this week, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

The man is believed to be a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He has been charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

[The Monk]

A guy goes up to a girl in a bar and says "You want to play 'Magic'?" She says "What's that?" He says "We go to my house and fuck, and then you disappear".

[The Monk]

Guy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, gives him a big hug and kiss and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips off her panties and says "This is for the flowers!" "Don't be silly" says the guy "You must have a vase somewhere!"

[Griffin]

WORST GOLF FOURSOME IN THE HISTORY OF THE GAME

1. STORMY DANIELS
2. O. J. SIMPSON
3. TED KENNEDY
4. BILL CLINTON

1. STORMY IS A HOOKER
2. O. J. IS A SLICER
3. TED CAN'T DRIVE OVER WATER, AND
4. BILL CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH HOLE HE PLAYED LAST

[The Monk]

Why did god create man before he created woman?


Because he didn't want any advice on how to do it.

[The Monk]

Standing on an Ikea podium from Sweden, behind bullet proof Saint Gobain Glass from France, smiling at a 4K Sony Japanese Video camera, speaking into a Dolby Sennheiser German microphone, with vigorous hand gestures giving a glimpse of a Rolex under the cuff made in Switzerland, he patriotically said "Buy American, Hire American, Stop Immigrants". While standing beside a Slovenian wife.

[RBP]

What’s the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer?

A hooker can wash her crack and resell it.

[The Monk]

I am writing for a good friend of mine. His wife told him to go out and obtain some of those pills that would help him get an erection. When he came back, he handed her diet pills. Anyway, he's looking for a place to live.

[The Monk]

A blonde woman strode angrily into the large store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction. The clerk asked "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?" The blonde's eyes got very large, and she whispered "Do you mean to tell me that 'Pussy Treats' are for cats?"

[The Monk]

Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over £1.2 million. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex. After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of €2 million, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex. When the results of the French study were released, America decided to conduct their own study. The Americans didn't really trust British or French studies because The Donald wasn't great friends with either country. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around $75, the US study was complete. They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.

[The Monk]

A guy met this girl in a bar and asked "May I buy you a drink?" Looking back unimpressed at the man she replies "Okay, but it won't do you any good". A little later, he asks "May I buy you another drink?" "Okay, but it still won't do you any good". He invites her up to his apartment and she replies "Okay, but it won't do you any good". They get to his apartment and he says "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I want you for my wife". She says "Oh, that's different. Send her in".

[The Monk]

Police today arrested a thalidomide couple at Heathrow airport. They were charged under the terrorism act, for trying to take small arms onto a plane

[The Monk]

My wife said, "Why is the laptop all sticky?" I said, "It's not what you think... it's ice cream". She said, "How did you manage to get ice cream all over the laptop?" I said, "Have you ever tried eating an ice cream whilst masturbating?"

[The Monk]

A man is at the dentists for a check-up. As the dentist leans over, he asks "Well... so you had oral sex this morning?" "How did you know?" asks the man, embarrassed but also amazed at his dentist's perception. "Was it the smell on my breath?" "No" says the dentist. "Well, did you see a pubic hair caught in my teeth?" asks the man. "No" says the dentist. "Well, what then? How did you know?" asks the man, losing patience. The dentist says "There's a little bit of shit on the end of your nose".

[The Monk]

This morning, around 7AM, I went for my stroll around the marina. I noticed a man with a long blade knife running down the dock towards me, dressed in Islamic clothing who shouted "Allah be praised!" and "Death to all Infidels!" when suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.

He was struggling to stay afloat because of the weight of all the explosives he was carrying, and I knew that If he didn't get help he would surely drown!

Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the moral code that requires a person to get help to those in distress, I tried contacting the Police, the Coast Guard, Homeland Security and even the Fire Department.

It is now 11AM, the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have responded.

I'm starting to think I just wasted four stamps.

[The Monk]

This morning, around 7AM, I went for my stroll around the marina. I noticed a man with a long blade knife running down the dock towards me, dressed in Islamic clothing who shouted "Allah be praised!" and "Death to all Infidels!" when suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.

He was struggling to stay afloat because of the weight of all the explosives he was carrying, and I knew that If he didn't get help he would surely drown!

Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the moral code that requires a person to get help to those in distress, I tried contacting the Police, the Coast Guard, Homeland Security and even the Fire Department.

It is now 11AM, the terrorist has drowned, and none of the authorities have responded.

I'm starting to think I just wasted four stamps.

[The Monk]

I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat bastard sitting there holding his cock...

Then I realised the telly wasn't on!

[The Monk]

My mates shagging twins who both like it up the arse. I asked how he tells them apart? "That's easy" he said. "Sally's got massive tits and a nice shaved pussy. Derek has a moustache and big hairy bollocks".

[The Monk]

I gave my misses an orgasm, but the ungrateful bitch spat it out.

[The Monk]

Why is the winner of the Miss Universe contest always from earth?

[The Monk]

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

[The Monk]

A woman is in a coma, and the nurse tending to her notices that whenever she is sponge bathing the woman, the woman's vital signs jump a little on all of the machines an screens. So the nurse calls the husband and says "Please come down to the hospital. I think I know how to get your wife out of this coma!" so the husband hurries down, and asks the nurse what he can do. The nurse says "I think that oral sex will bring her out of her coma - it will arouse her enough to bring her out of the coma". So the nurse closes the curtains, and leaves the husband with his wife in the room. Moments later, the man comes running out of the room, flustered. The nurse, worried, asks him what happened. The husband says "I don't know... I think she started choking".

[The Monk]

I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?" I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said, "Yeah, I got a pen". I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you." Cost me 6 stitches but totally worth it.

[The Monk]

One day little Johnny gets twenty dollars from his dad for doing some housework. His dad says asks little Johnny "What are you going to do with the money? Little Johnny replied "I'm going to use it for a prostitute" On the way into town he meets grandma who upon finding out what the twenty is for tells him to give her the twenty dollars and they can have sex. He goes home and his dad say's "That was quick!" And Little Johnny says "Oh I just gave the twenty bucks to grandma and we had sex". His dad says "What the fuck? You fucked my mum? Little Johnny replied "Well hell, you fuck my mum why can't I fuck yours?"

[The Monk]

A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he's half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he's all right.

"I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck 'ere. I've hit a pig!" "Ah well, these things happen sometimes" the boss says. "Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark".

"But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing, and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me!" "Never mind" says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home". "Okay, boss".

Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the young fella. The boss gets back on the CB.

"What's the problem, son?" "Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck". "What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?" "Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck".

[The Monk]

I went into the florists yesterday and said "I would like a nice bunch of flowers for my lovely wife please". The Florist replied "Certainly, are you after anything in particular"? "Hopefully a fuck" I replied.

[The Monk]

A catholic girl goes into confession, and tells the priest "Father, I am pregnant". "How did this happen my child?" He asks her. "Father, I think it's the second coming". she says. Rather taken aback by her explanation, he asks her "Now why would you think it's the second coming?" To which she answers "Because I swallowed the first one".

[The Monk]

I was in the park with my dog and I said to this guy "Which way are you going to vote?" "Democrat" he replied. With that my dog bit him. I carried on and I saw a woman "Which way are you going vote?" I asked. "Democrat" she said. My dog bit her as well. As I carried on, I met another man "Which way are you going vote?" I asked. "Republican" he said. With that my dog bit him. My dog doesn't give a crap about politics.

[The Monk]

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously. "Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?" The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained. "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture". "Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay" said the woman. As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?" Again, the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan!"

[The Monk]

One morning a couple were in an amorous embrace and the wife says: "Honey, that Viagra is so wonderful, let me fix us a nice full breakfast... eggs, bacon, toast..." The husband says "No, I'm not hungry, the Viagra takes away my appetite". Later in the day, the wife says: "Sweetheart, I want to do something for you, let me fix you a nice wholesome lunch, fresh salad with your favourite ingredients, steamed veggies, and some grilled fish fillets...?" The husband again refuses "I'm just not hungry after using that Viagra". Around dinner time, the wife tries again "Are you hungry yet?, I'll fix a steak and potatoes dinner with hot rolls". The husband still refuses "No, that Viagra just kills my appetite". The wife then firmly says "Well, I'm getting something to eat, so get OFF of me!"

[The Monk]

The man who invented auto correct has died. May he rust in piss.

[The Monk]

I got caught masturbating in my local newsagents... It's all over the papers.

[The Monk]

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said "Hey Luigi, how wassa da treep?" Luigi said "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da train ride down".

"Whatayou mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni. "Well, we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basketa food. She bringa da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da luncha basket.

The conductore come aby, wagga his finger at us anda say 'no eat in disa car. Musta use a dining car'.

So, me and my beautiful Virginia, we go to da dining car, eat a biga lunch and starta at open da bottle of a nice a vino! Conductore walka by again, waga his finger and say 'No drinka in disa car! Musta use a cluba car'. So, we go to cluba car.

While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga is finger again and say 'No a smokina indisa car. Musta go to a smokina car...'

We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar. Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed. We just about to go badaboom badaboom and the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his a voice...

'Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!'

Nexta time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus".

[The Monk]

It's only 16 days to Christmas. I fucking HATE Christmas. Whoever invented it should be crucified.

[The Monk]

I was walking along minding my own business when all of a sudden, the pavement spontaneously started viciously attacking me. Fucking psycho path.

[The Monk]

I was chatting to a guy at work the other day and he said he was adopted and had been raised by two gay men. He ended up pretty annoyed with me and I can't understand why. I only asked "If they reared him together or took turns ".

[The Monk]

A male student asked his English professor "What is the definition of a dilemma?" The professor said "Well, there's nothing better than this example to illustrate that: imagine that you are lying in a big bed with a beautiful, aroused, naked woman on one side, and an excited gay man on the other". "Who are you going to turn your back on?"

[The Monk]

When I was young I used to think Earwigs actually lived in your ears! I shat myself when I heard there were things called Cockroaches!

[The Monk]

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: "All 40 accounted for". "But I only have 36 sheep" says the farmer. "I know" says the sheepdog. "But I rounded them up".

[The Monk]

Mick has gone to court to have the word "blacklisted" banned. Required to state his case, Mick said "This racist word is demoralising for the blacks of this country! How can you put people on a list just because they're black? Why not put whites on a list also?" The judge, after looking pained and after thinking for a minute said "Whites are on a separate list, they are called 'Tax Payers'!"

[The Monk]

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help. She looks on amazed as he removes his trousers. Rolls them into a tight ball and rubs them against the car door. Magically it opens. "That's so clever" the woman gasps. "How did you do it?" "Easy" replies the man. "These are my khakis".

[The Monk]

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out...

"Pa, you need to go out and fix the outhouse!" Pa replies "There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse".

Ma yells back "Yes there is, now git out there and fix it". So... Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with the outhouse! "

Ma replies "Stick yur head in the hole!" Pa yells back "I ain't stickin my head in that hole!"

Ma says "Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix". So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back "Ma There ain't nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back "Now take your head out of the hole!"

Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling "Ma Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies... "Hurt's, don't it?!"

[The Monk]

The wife has become very insecure in her middle age. "I'm so jealous of you" she said. "You're still good looking and full of confidence". "Don't be silly" I replied. "It should be me who is jealous of you". "Really?" she asked, as her face lit up. "Of course" I said. "You get to be married to me. I'm stuck with a fat arsed, miserable bitch".

[The Monk]

"Have you got something to tell me?" asked a mate. "What do you mean?" I retorted. "Well you and my mum were a bit friendly last night" he replied accusingly. "We just falked... I mean talked, I uttered mistakenly. "You better explain yourself, cunt" he barked. I replied "Have you ever heard of a 'Freudian slip' it's when you say one thing and mean I fucked your mother... I mean another".

[The Monk]

I walked past a black kid sitting at a bus stop, as I went into the bank. When I came out, he looked at me and said "Any change?" I said "No, you're still black".

[The Monk]

Late in the night he regained consciousness. He found himself in agonising pain in the hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires monitoring every function and a gorgeous nurse hovering over him. He realised he'd obviously been in a serious accident. She gave him a deep look straight into the eyes, and he heard her slowly say "You may not feel anything from the waist down". Somehow, he managed to mumble in reply "Can I feel your tits, then?" That, my friends, is a positive attitude!

[The Monk]

Anybody interested in a free ride in a helicopter, flight for 4 people?! I'm still looking for 2 more people to join us. We leave early Saturday morning and will fly to a secluded bay down south where we will have breakfast and then on a yacht for lunch. Then we'll do some island hopping before flying back home. Promises to be an amazing experience. If interested please let me know. Preferably someone with a helicopter and yacht, otherwise we can't go...

[The Monk]

In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Allies nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate.

One day, an Aussie Digger came up with a plan that would help win them the war. This Digger explained his plan to his trench mates and they figured "Why not? It's not like we have any better ideas".

The next day, an Aussie soldier called out "Hans!?" A German popped up and shouted back "Ja?!" Boom, the German was shot dead.

The next day the Aussies shouted again "Hans?!" "Ja?!" Shot dead!

This process continued over the next couple of days. The Germans were losing large numbers, and were now finally catching on.

The Germans had an emergency meeting. They thought they could come back from the heavy losses using the same tactics as the Australians. Thus, a German asked "What is a popular Australian name?" "Bruce!" replied another.

The next day, the Germans decided to execute their plan. A German shouted "Bruce!?" An Aussie called back "Is that you Hans?!" "Ja!" And that is how the Aussies helped to win WWI.

[The Monk]

I was shagging the woman from next door over the kitchen table, when we heard the front door opening. That's my husband she said "Quick try the back door". I knew I should have left before her husband caught me, but there's no way I was refusing an offer like that!

[The Monk]

A suicide bomber died and went to Paradise, as foretold. When he arrived there, he said to Allah that he was ready to claim his 72 virgins, as promised. Out of curiosity he asked Allah why there were so many virgins in heaven. Allah regarded him for a moment, then replied "Actually, the 72 virgins are here in heaven because people like you murdered them before they could experience the pleasure of sex. So you're here to service them. Since they're virgins, they're quite sexually ravenous and, frankly, you'll be on constant, exhausting duty. I shall banish you from Paradise should you fail!" The bomber responded "Well, I guess I can live with that. How hard can it be to keep 72 women satisfied for all eternity?" Allah replied "Who said they were women?"

[The Monk]

https://i.imgur.com/5luTikO.jpg

[lost in melb.]

Oh boy

:facepalm:

[The Monk]

My mate has been giving prostitutes oral sex to help him sleep and said "it was great advice and had worked a treat"

I said "no you thick cunt I said have you tried Horlicks!

[The Monk]

A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?" he said to her. "I don't know" replied the beautiful young woman. "It depends how personal it is". "OK" the guy said "How many men have you slept with?" "I'm not going to tell you that!" the woman exclaimed. "That's my business!" "Sorry" said the guy "I didn't realise you made a living out of it".

[The Monk]

I used to go out with a girl who punched me in the face when she orgasmed. I didn't mind too much until I found out she was faking them.

[The Monk]

https://i.imgur.com/JICMK71.jpg


Great artistry!

[The Monk]

Dr. Mike had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he just couldn't.

The guilt and sense of betrayal were overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear an internal, reassuring voice in his head that said: "Mike, don't worry about it. You aren't the first medical practitioner to sleep with one of your patients, and you won't be the last. And you're single. Just let it go, Mike."

But invariably another voice in his head would bring him back to reality, whispering: What's wrong with you Mike, you're a veterinarian.

[lost in melb.]

https://i.ibb.co/5BfNSK9/upload-2021-5-19-0-31-21.png (https://imgbb.com/)

[The Monk]

Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One parrot says to the other one, "Can you smell fish?"

[The Monk]

John and his girlfriend Mary decide to become bank robbers.

Mary does the actual robbing at gunpoint inside the banks while John waits outside as the getaway driver. They are initially successful with a string of heists that make headlines and they become folk-heroes. Until one day their luck runs out and they get caught.

At trial, the judge condemns Mary to ten years in prison, while John gets two years. However, once they get to their respective prisons, they discover that due to a clerical error John will be serving ten years and Mary only two. Despite of her insistence, John convinces Mary to keep quiet about it.

After two years Mary gets out and she continues to visit John faithfully every month and they exchange letters and phone calls regularly for the remainder of his ten years.

Finally, after he does his time, John gets out and is joyfully reunited with Mary. They get married and move to a different state and start anew, leaving their life of crime behind. They raise a family with children and grandchildren and eventually reach old age, after having lived a happy marriage.

On their 50th wedding anniversary party, the entire family and friends are gathered. A great celebration is had, with many laughs and stories, recounting their life together.

The conversation turns to the secrets to a happy marriage. One of the guests asks Mary why she decided to stick with John while he was in prison, despite all of the hardships.

Mary answers: "Well... you know you have found 'the one' when you finish each other's sentences".

[Fodster]

My dad has a mate who has 1/2 his ear missing, his nickname is 18 months....


.....cos he's got an ear and a half!!!

[Fodster]

I worked with a guy with one small hand and one big hand.... we knew him as the clock!!

[Fodster]

I knew a fella whos nickname was "uncle bens", because he had a sist removed from his sack. A boil in the bag!!!!

[Fodster]

There's a Guy at work with one leg shorter than the other, which causes his head to bib side to side, so they call him the snipers nightmare!!!

[The Monk]

https://i.imgur.com/MZVZx6d.jpeg

[The Monk]

After dying the anti-vaxxer meets God. "God, please tell me who is behind the conspiracy to give people autism with vaccines?"

"Nobody," says God. "There is no conspiracy, and vaccines do not cause autism."

"THEY GOT TO YOU TOO?! HOW FAR UP DOES THIS GO?!"

[The Monk]

My little cousin asked me “Why do stars die?”
I told him: "Well, they usually overdose."

[The Monk]

Two nuns are biking down a cobblestone path when one nun says to the other "I've never come this way before". The other nun replies "Must be the cobblestones".

[The Monk]

A young black kid asks his mother "Mama, what is Socialism and what is Racism?" "Well, child... Socialism is when the white folks work every day so we can get all our governmental entitlement stuff for free. You know... like our free cell phones for each family member, rent subsidy, food stamps, EBT, WIC, free school breakfast, lunch, and in some places supper; free healthcare, utility subsidy, and a Riot every now and then so we can loot... it's like shopping for free, and on and on... you know, that's Socialism". "But, mama, don't the white people get pissed off about that?" "Sure they do, Honey. That's called Racism. "

[The Monk]

I was walking through the cemetery and saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. I said, “Morning...” He said, “No. Taking a shit.”

[The Monk]

https://i.imgur.com/7ZCaFt0.jpeg

[lost in melb.]

A young black kid asks his mother "Mama, what is Socialism and what is Racism?" "Well, child... Socialism is when the white folks work every day so we can get all our governmental entitlement stuff for free. You know... like our free cell phones for each family member, rent subsidy, food stamps, EBT, WIC, free school breakfast, lunch, and in some places supper; free healthcare, utility subsidy, and a Riot every now and then so we can loot... it's like shopping for free, and on and on... you know, that's Socialism". "But, mama, don't the white people get pissed off about that?" "Sure they do, Honey. That's called Racism. "

:burn:

[The Monk]

https://i.imgur.com/d9bQcXH.jpg

[The Monk]

https://ic.pics.livejournal.com/andruxa_baun/13659942/4401449/4401449_original.jpg

[The Monk]

When my uncle passed away, all the clocks in the house stopped at exactly the same time. He died in a gas explosion.

[The Monk]

The Pope is on a stage handing out miracles to sick children. Billy walks on stage and asks "Can you help with my hearing?" The pope says "Yes" and puts his hands on Billy's ears, then prays, removes his hands and says "How is your hearing now". Billy says "I don't know, it's not till next Wednesday".