My Own Joke Thread - SFW, NSFW & Offensive Content

[The Monk]

My grief counsellor died the other day. He was so good, I didn't give a fuck.

[The Monk]

https://i.imgur.com/IODj5MK.jpg

[The Monk]

Donald Trump Parade in Washington. A friend of Donald -maybe a golfing buddy- told him that he had a fantastic dream the other night: There was a really, really big, huge parade in Washington celebrating Trump. Hundreds of thousands, perhaps millions, lined the parade route, and cheered and cheered when Donald went past. It was the biggest celebration Washington had ever seen. Really Huge! Donald was very impressed and said "That's really great! The best! By the way, how did I look? Was my hair okay?" His friend said that he couldn't tell. The casket was closed.

[The Monk]

I knew a local family whose daughter was massively overweight and very unattractive. I remember one day her mum came and spoke in assembly, explaining that her daughter had hanged herself last night as a result of the constant bullying. The whole school was in shocked silence until one lad shouted out "Fuck, that must have been a strong rope!"

[The Monk]

I sent my hearing aid off in the post to be repaired. It's been two weeks and I still haven't heard anything.

[The Monk]

Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.

"Why"? Putin asks.

" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4.00am but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a Happy New Year, and he says it will be tomorrow."

"Indeed" Putin replies "but that's only minor stuff. Remember when that Polish plane crashed with the president? I called them to express my condolences, but the plane hadn't taken off yet!!"

[The Monk]

I tried to make a corona virus joke a while back. Nobody laughed at the time, but eventually everyone got it.

[The Monk]

There is a small inflatable boy who goes to an inflatable school, in the inflatable town.

One day the inflatable boy is down the back of the inflatable school having a smoke when the inflatable teacher catches him, the inflatable boy panics and pulls out a knife and stabs the inflatable teacher... *PFFFFFFFFFFFT* the inflatable teacher deflates.

The inflatable boy takes off and runs home but his inflatable parents are waiting there for him and he can immediately tell that they know what he has done. Not wanting to be punished the inflatable boy pulls out his knife again and *PFFFFFFFFFFFT* *PFFFFFFFFFFFT* he stabs both of his inflatable parents and they deflate then realising what he has done the inflatable boy stabs himself.... *PFFFFFFFFFFFT* and he deflates.

Later the inflatable boy awakens in the inflatable hospital with the inflatable police officer standing over him. The inflatable police officer looks down at the inflatable boy and shakes his head as he says "Son you've let your teacher down, you've let your parents down but above all else you've let yourself down".

[DemonGeminiX]

A Jewish mother goes to the airport to meet her daughter. The daughter steps off the airplane with an 8 foot tall Zulu warrior with a bone through his nose. The mother screams, "You fool! I said a rich doctor!!!"

Blatantly stolen from John Carpenter's Prince of Darkness, 1987.

[DemonGeminiX]

My friend has the heart of a lion... and a lifetime ban from the zoo.

[The Monk]

https://i.imgur.com/LfDfrkJ.jpg

[The Monk]

• Two blondes walked into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
• Phone answering machine message - '...If you want marijuana, press the hash key...'
• A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling wrap for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
• I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
• I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too high..'
• My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
• A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'..
• I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
• Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
• Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands..Police say that he topped himself.
• Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
• 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'. 'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' Is it common?' 'It's not unusual'.
• A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed? 'No, because he's really heavy'
• Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.' 'How's that?' the doctor asks. 'Don't you start' says the guy.
• Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom,boom!
• What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
• So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
• Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
• Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other'Your round.'The other one says 'So are you, you fat bast**d!'
• Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
• 'You know,somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'
• A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places' The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'
• Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

[The Monk]

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage. The zoo keeper assured me it was bread in captivity.

[The Monk]

Jesus was relaxing in Heaven when he noticed a familiar looking old man.

Wondering if the old man was His father Joseph, Jesus asked him "Did you, by any chance, ever have a son?" "Yes" said the old man "but he wasn't my biological son. He was born by a miracle, by the intervention of a magical being from the heavens".

"Very interesting" said Jesus. "Did this boy ever have to fight temptation?"

"Oh, yes, many times" answered the old man. "But he eventually won. Unfortunately, he heroically died at one point, but he came back to life shortly afterwards".

Jesus couldn't believe it. Could this actually be His father?

"One last question" he said. "Were you a carpenter?" "Why yes" replied the old man. "Yes I was".

Jesus rubbed His eyes and said "Dad?" The old man rubbed his eyes and said "Pinocchio?"

[The Monk]

The world leading expert on wasps is walking down the street when he passes a record store.

In the window he sees a record called "Wasps Of The World, And The Sounds They Make".

Intrigued, he walks into the store.

He says to the shopkeeper "I'll have that wasp record in the window please. You know I'm the world leading expert in wasps, there are thousands of different species of wasp, and I can identify any one of them just by listening to the sound it makes!"

He smiles smugly as the shopkeeper fanes interest.

The wasp expert pays and leaves. When he gets home, he puts the record on.

"Bbzzzzzzzzz" it goes, but the man is stumped, he doesn't know what type of wasp this is! He waits for the next track.

"Bbbbzzzzzzzzzzzz" and again, he can't identify which species of wasp this is!

It gets to the fifth track and he breaks down in tears. He can't identify a single wasp yet he thought he was the world's leading expert!

He calls his old professor round to the house to help, when he arrives he explains to him "I thought I was the best in the wasp business, but I can't identify a single wasp on this whole record!" he says, still in tears.

The old professor ponders for a minute as he looks at the record.

"Ah, I know what the problem is" says the professor.

"What? what is it?!"

"You've got it on the B-side!"

[DemonGeminiX]

The cashier at the liquor store asked to see my ID. As I was fishing it out, my old Blockbuster card fell out onto the counter. The cashier immediately said, "Nevermind, you're good."

[The Monk]

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She told me that nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.

So I gave her nothing.

[The Monk]

Dubai spent billions on a bunch of man-made islands and they are now sinking.

I guess all the money in the world can't help erect-isle dysfunction

[The Monk]

Dated a blind girl once
Her name was ::. :.. .:. ::: :............

[The Monk]

I was going into the local shopping centre when a dishevelled beggar jumped in front of me.

Beggar: "Any change mate?"

Me: "I don't have any change".

Beggar "C'mon..."

Me: I don't have ANY change".

Beggar: "I can't accept that".

Me: "Sigh! You can't accept that? jeez...okay okay, will you take a note?"

Beggar: "Sure... that would be great!" he said with a grin. So I took a piece of paper and a pencil out of my briefcase, wrote "I don't have ANY FUCKING CHANGE!" handed it to the prick, and walked off.

[The Monk]

A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest. "No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".

[lost in melb.]

:lol:

[DemonGeminiX]

When I was a kid, my mother told me that I could be anybody I wanted to be. Turns out she was wrong about that. Identity theft is a crime.

[The Monk]

https://i.imgur.com/cSnoP8D.jpg

[The Monk]

https://i.imgur.com/ECzupy6.jpg

[DemonGeminiX]

What does a near-sighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?

A wet nose.

[DemonGeminiX]

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don't get some support soon, people are gonna think we're nuts.

[DemonGeminiX]

Why don't vegetarians moan during sex?

They don't want to admit that a piece of meat can make them happy.

[lost in melb.]

To get on the good side of voters, Vladimir Putin goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids.

He tells them how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.

At the end of the talk there is a section for questions. Little Sasha puts her hand up and says, "I have two questions. Why did the Russians take Crimea and why are we sending troops to Ukraine?"

Putin says, "Good questions". But just as he is about to answer, the bell rings, so the kids go off to lunch.

When they come back, they sit down and there is time for more questions.

Another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says "I have four questions. Why did the Russians invade Crimea, why are we sending troops to Ukraine, why did the bell go 20 minutes early and where the **** is Sasha?"

[lost in melb.]

A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer meet each week for a game of golf.
One day, they get stuck behind the slowest group of players they had ever seen. They were hitting the balls all over the place, getting stuck in just about every trap and patch of rough, and missing just about every putt.

Finally, the group gets frustrated and heads to the clubhouse to find the manager.

"What's with that group of players? They're the worst I've ever seen! They're holding up the course!"

The manger looks sheepish. "They're retired firefighters, they lost their eyesight running into a burning orphanage to save the children. They love golf, so I let them play for free for charity."

The priest looks ashamed of himself. "As a man of God, I feel terrible for getting angry at those men. At my next sermon, I'll see if I can get a collection going for their families."

The lawyer likewise looks chagrined. "Same here, I'll check with my firm and see if we can't open a case to get them awarded restitution for their pain and injuries."

The engineer says, "why can't they play at night?"

[DemonGeminiX]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YxoNZDtOlU

[lost in melb.]

:bwaha: