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The Monk
04-11-2015, 10:05 AM
I've written a book about sexism. It even has pictures, so women can enjoy it too.

The Monk
04-11-2015, 10:31 AM
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse" he mumbles, from behind the mask "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body".

He struggles to ask again "Nurse, are my TEST...ICLES... black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.

Then, she takes a close look and says "No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, sir!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thank you very much.
That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely...

"A r e - m y - T E S T - R E S U L T S - b a c k?"

The Monk
04-11-2015, 10:51 AM
Little Dennis came home from his school one day slightly confused. His Mother was Jewish and his father was an Aboriginal. So Dennis asks "Mommy, am I more Jewish or more Aboriginal?" "What does it really matter? If you want to know for sure you'll just have to ask your father" his mother tells him.

So, when his father arrived home, Little Dennis asks the same question "Daddy, am I more Jewish or more Aboriginal?" "What the hell kind of a question is that? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more Aboriginal?" asks his dad.

"Well, it's like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, and I don't know whether to Jew him down to $25, or wait until it's dark and steal the fucking thing".

PorkChopSandwiches
04-11-2015, 02:40 PM
:rofl:

Pony
04-11-2015, 05:35 PM
:lol:

Hal-9000
04-12-2015, 01:46 AM
A young Indian brave comes into the teepee and sits beside his father with a puzzled look on his face.

Father - Son, what's wrong?
Son - I was wondering how we get our names.
Father - The moment an Indian is born, the parents go outside and name the baby after the first thing they see. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?

The Monk
04-13-2015, 09:58 AM
Nothing embarrasses a psychic more than throwing them a surprise party.

The Monk
04-13-2015, 09:59 AM
"I'm running for President" announces Hillary Clinton. In other news, researchers discover that bears shit in the woods and the Pope reveals he's a Roman Catholic.

The Monk
04-13-2015, 10:01 AM
My wife's doctor told us today that she is very prone to having a stroke, and if it happens she could be dead in the time it takes to boil a kettle.

Why the fuck would I want to boil the kettle at a time like that?

I would be searching for the cork screw.

The Monk
04-13-2015, 10:02 AM
I quit my job with the Tourette's Society today.

I think I'd been working far too long with those cunts.

The Monk
04-13-2015, 10:06 AM
BBC News: Dogs Trained to Detect Prostate Cancer.

I just hope they trim their claws before they stick their paw up my arse.

The Monk
04-13-2015, 10:08 AM
Welcome to the BBC.

You are welcome to rape all the children you like but don't ever punch a producer.

The Monk
04-13-2015, 10:09 AM
150 people died on a Germanwings flight because some selfish little cunt wouldn't open a door.

If only Oscar Pistorius had been on board.

The Monk
04-13-2015, 10:26 AM
http://i.imgur.com/a50fTIg.png

The Monk
04-17-2015, 07:54 AM
Woke up this morning a bit late, about 8ish. Called down to the wife and got no answer. Got up and went into the kitchen and there she was, face down on the floor. Dead! At that moment I completely lost it, my whole world fell apart; tears were welling in my eyes... then a moment of pure inspiration... McDonald's do breakfast until 10:30!

The Monk
04-17-2015, 07:55 AM
A group of men working on a building site were whistling and making rude gestures to a pretty young school girl, who couldn't have been older than about 13. One guy, smirking, yells "Hey sweetie, come and sit on my face!" The girl, smiling sweetly, yelled back "Why? Is your fucking nose bigger than your cock!"

The Monk
04-17-2015, 07:57 AM
A man enters a pharmacy and asks for birth control pills for his wife and his seven year-old daughter. The pharmacist is a little shocked and says "Your seven year-old daughter is sexually active!" "No" replies the man. "She just sort of lays there".

The Monk
04-23-2015, 11:42 AM
The orphanage I run burned down today with the lives of sixty children lost.

Thank fuck I don't have to tell their parents.

The Monk
04-24-2015, 10:21 AM
A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the wife said "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time". The husband thought for a few moments, then said "Your pussy is tighter than your sister's".

The Monk
04-24-2015, 10:21 AM
A Virginia man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?" He says "Okay get in the car with it". "Where shall I put it to get it warm?" He says "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there". "But what about the smell?" "Just hold its little nose". The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.

The Monk
04-24-2015, 10:33 AM
An Engineer was unemployed for long time. He could not find a job. But he knew doctors always made money, so, he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: "Get your treatment for $500 - if not treated get back $1,000."

A Doctor thinks this is a good chance to scam $1,000 from the fraudster and goes into the clinic.

Doctor: "I have lost taste in my mouth."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "This is petrol!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.

Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "But that is petrol!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

The Doctor leaves angrily, and comes back after several more days. Doctor: "My eyesight has become very weak."
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this.
Here, take this $1,000."
Doctor: "But this is only $500..."

Engineer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

The Monk
05-01-2015, 09:48 AM
On the internet, you can be anything you want, its strange that there are so many people who choose to be stupid.

The Monk
05-08-2015, 10:05 AM
What do you call a black guy selling drugs? A pharmacist you racist fuck.

The Monk
05-08-2015, 10:22 AM
A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in. After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30pm the second guy says "Oh well, I better get home. My wife doesn't like me to stay out late at night". The first guy replies "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning".

The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try.

When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face. As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet.

Seeing her he screamed "What the hell are you doing in here?!" "Quiet!" she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother!"

The Monk
05-15-2015, 04:00 AM
Two gay men, Paul and Tom, were making love one night, and had just finished when Paul decided he was going to freshen up in the shower. Tom was laying there thinking about how wonderful Paul was, when he decided he was going to join him in the shower. When Tom got into the bathroom, he opened up the shower curtain and the first thing he saw was a large cumshot on the wall. He wailed to Tom "I can't believe you! We just finish making love and you come in here and jack-off!" Paul looks at the wall and says "What are you talking about? I wasn't jacking-off, I farted!"

The Monk
05-22-2015, 09:56 AM
A farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognising the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue. Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17, making 18. The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle, having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove home.

The Monk
06-05-2015, 10:49 AM
So I'm behind this prick who can't fucking drive. Weaving all over the place and hasn't got a fucking clue. I'm roaring "You fucking Paki bastard, learn to drive!! And while you're at it, why don't you fuck off back to your own country, you smelly prick! You know what the cheeky bastard did? He stopped and said "Get out of my taxi!"

The Monk
06-05-2015, 10:50 AM
Me and my girlfriend were banging away and screwing for over an hour last night. Damn you IKEA! 20 minutes assembly time my arse!

The Monk
06-05-2015, 10:56 AM
A girl came up to me in a bar. Short skirt, tits like ripe fruit, hair in a ponytail. "What would you say if I told you I was wearing no underwear?" she breathed. "I'd say 'neither am I". She raised her eyebrows "Really? I'm wearing none because it gives men like you..." she licked her lips "easy access..." "Oh?" I replied "I've got none on because I shat myself in the gents".

The Monk
06-05-2015, 10:57 AM
What do you call a Muslim with both a camel and a goat? Bisexual.

The Monk
06-17-2015, 10:35 AM
The wife and I were watching porn last night and she said: "This is soooo unrealistic" I said "Just because you are not willing to try new things doesn't mean that everyone is that frigid". "No, No, it's not that" she said "It's just that the plumbers that come to our house don't have dicks THAT big!"

The Monk
06-17-2015, 10:35 AM
What's the difference between a black and a white fairy-tale? White begins "Once upon a time" black begins "Y'all motherfuckers aint gonna believe dis shit!"

The Monk
06-17-2015, 10:36 AM
Mick opens Paddy's fridge and says "Why have you got an empty milk bottle in here?" Paddy replies "In case someone wants black coffee, you thick twat!"

The Monk
06-20-2015, 11:24 AM
A white woman and a black man are dancing at a club, and after a while things start to get hot and heavy. After some heavy kissing and petting, the woman makes the suggestion that they return to her apartment for the night.

When the couple arrives at the woman's apartment, they begin passionately kissing and undressing each other, preparing to have frenzied and unrepentant sex with each other.

However, the white woman, curious as she was, asked the black guy as he was taking off his pants "before you take them off... is it true what they say about black guys?" With a suave yet sinister look, he looked into her eyes and said "Baby, of course".

He then proceeded to stab her and ran out with her purse.

The Monk
06-20-2015, 11:26 AM
A man had just boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a sniffer dog.

"His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work".

The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said "Watch this". He told Sniffer to "Search".

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said "Good boy" and he turned to the man and said "That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land. "Gee, that's pretty good" replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The Policeman said "Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police". "I like it!" said his seat mate.

The Policeman then told Sniffer to "Search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to crap all over the place.

The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. He asked the Policeman "What's going on?" The Policeman nervously replied "He's just found a bomb".

RBP
06-20-2015, 12:27 PM
The wife and I were watching porn last night and she said: "This is soooo unrealistic" I said "Just because you are not willing to try new things doesn't mean that everyone is that frigid". "No, No, it's not that" she said "It's just that the plumbers that come to our house don't have dicks THAT big!"

Nor arrive that quickly. :lol:

The Monk
06-28-2015, 04:05 AM
http://img.izismile.com/img/img8/20150626/640/a_dude_buys_a_lie_detector_robot_and_it_doesnt_end _quite_like_he_expected_640_01.jpg
http://img.izismile.com/img/img8/20150626/640/a_dude_buys_a_lie_detector_robot_and_it_doesnt_end _quite_like_he_expected_640_02.jpg

The Monk
07-03-2015, 10:04 AM
My neighbour was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.

He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.

He said with excitement "You appear quite elderly to be driving". "Well, yes, I am" she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore".

"You don't need a driver's license anymore?!?" "That's right! The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him 'yes' and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore' so I thanked him and left!"

The Monk
07-11-2015, 01:11 AM
A duck walks into a post office and asks the man behind the counter: "Do you have any corn?" The man answers politely: "No, we don't have any corn here". The next day, the duck enters again and asks: "Do you have any corn?" Annoyed, the man answers: "No! We don't have any corn". This goes on for a couple of days until finally, when the duck asks "Do you have any corn?" the man gets so upset he yells: "NO! For the last time we don't have any corn, and if you ask again I"ll nail your beak to the counter!" The next day, the duck returns and asks: "Do you have any nails?" The man answers: "No". Then the duck asks: "Do you have any corn?"

The Monk
07-11-2015, 01:11 AM
What do you call a white guy surrounded by five black guys? Coach. What do you call a white guy surrounded by eleven black guys? Football coach. What do you call a white guy surrounded by hundreds of black guys? Warden.

thebastardnextdoor
07-11-2015, 04:00 AM
A man flying in a hot air balloon suddenly realizes he’s lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts to get directions, “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?” The man below says: “Yes. You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.” “You must work in Information Technology,” says the balloonist. “I do” replies the man. “How did you know?” “Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but It’s of no use to anyone.” The man below replies, “You must work in management.” “I do,” replies the balloonist, “But how’d you know?” “Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

The Monk
07-17-2015, 09:27 AM
We live in Abbotsford British Columbia and my Missus decided for the first time to wear a burka for a week just to see what the reaction would be. The first morning she was sworn at, punched on the nose, kicked up the arse and received death threats. Heaven knows what's going to happen when she leaves the house!

The Monk
07-17-2015, 09:29 AM
What's the best part of sex with a transvestite?


Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.

The Monk
07-17-2015, 09:38 AM
Recently, the Townsville Police Department ran an email forum with the local community (a question and answer exchange) with the topic being "Community Policing". One of the civilian email participants posed the following question:

"I would like to know how it is possible for police officers to continually harass people, and get away with it?"

Sgt. Bennett, obviously a cop with a sense of humour replied: "First of all, let me tell you this... it's not easy. In Townsville, we average one cop for every 600 people.

Only about 60% of those cops are on general duty, or what you might refer to as "patrol" where we do most of our harassing. The rest are in non-harassing departments that do not allow them contact with the day to day innocents.

At any given moment, only one-fifth of the 60% patrollers are on duty, and available for harassing people while the rest are off duty.

So roughly, one cop is responsible for harassing about 5,000 residents. When you toss in the commercial business, and tourist locations that attract people from other areas, sometimes you have a situation where a single cop is responsible for harassing 10,000 or more people a day.

Now, your average ten-hour shift runs 36,000 seconds long. This gives a cop one second to harass a person, and then only three-fourths of a second to eat a pie, and then find a new person to harass.

This is not an easy task. To be honest, most cops are not up to this challenge day in and day out. It is just too tiring.

What we do is utilise some tools to help us narrow down those people which we can realistically harass. The tools available to us are as follow:

PHONE: People will call us up and point out things that cause us to focus on a person for special harassment. "My neighbour is beating his wife" is a code phrase used often. This means we'll come out and give somebody some special harassment. Another popular one: "There's a guy breaking into a house". The harassment team is then put into action.

CARS: We have special cops assigned to harass people who drive. They like to harass the drivers of fast cars, cars with no rego, or no driver's licenses and the like. It's lots of fun when you pick them out of traffic for nothing more obvious than running a red light. Sometimes you get to really heap the harassment on when you find they have drugs in the car, they are drunk, or have an outstanding warrant.

RUNNERS: Some people take off running just at the sight of a police officer. Nothing is quite as satisfying as running after them like a cat on the scent of a mouse. When you catch them you can harass them for hours, to determine why they didn't want to talk to us.

LAWS: When we don't have PHONES or CARS or RUNNERS, and have nothing better to do, there are actually books that give us ideas for reasons to harass folks. They are called "Laws"; Criminal Codes, Motor Vehicle Laws, etc. They all spell out all sorts of things for which you can really mess with people.

After you read the laws, you can just drive around for a while until you find someone violating one of these listed offenses and harass them. Just last week I saw a guy trying to steal a car. Well, there's this book we have that says that's not allowed. That meant I was allowed to harass this guy. It's a really cool system that we've set up, and it works pretty well.

We seem to have a never-ending supply of folks to harass. And we get away with it. Why? Because for the good Townsville citizens who pay the bill, we try to keep the streets safe for them, and they pay us to "harass" some people.

Hopefully sir, this has clarified to you a little bit better, how we harass the good citizens of Townsville".

The Monk
07-25-2015, 08:39 AM
How are children like cell phones? If you've lost one and haven't found it in a couple days, chances are it's probably dead.

The Monk
07-25-2015, 08:41 AM
A man from Liverpool, holidaying in the Netherlands decides to try out one of the local brothels that he's heard so much about.

Looking for a cheap thrill he walks in and takes out the equivalent of 10 pounds and approaches the mistress and says "I've only got this much. What can I get?" The mistress pauses, looks him up and down once and gestures him to follow her. She takes him down a long, narrow hall, unlocks a door and holds the door open for the man. He looks inside to see a pig tied down in the middle of the room.

The man immediately thinks to himself "Great I get to fuck a pig". She closes the door and the man begins to pleasure himself with the pig. Turns out it was actually pretty awesome.

A week later he decides to return to the same brothel but this time holds out 5 pounds and asks "I've only got this much what can I get?" Once again the mistress takes him down the same narrow hall but to a different room where a room full of people are watching a couple have sex through a one-way-glass-window.

The man, excitedly sits down on an empty seat and turns to a bloke beside him and says "What a great country. For only 5 quid you can watch a couple have sex". To which the bloke replied "That's nothing. Last week we saw a guy fuck a pig!"

HyperV12
07-26-2015, 09:23 PM
What does a baby look like after a minute in the microwave? I don’t know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.

HyperV12
07-29-2015, 10:01 AM
My most cherished possession is an EpiPen.

It was given to me by my dying friend, he made it very clear he wanted me to have it.

HyperV12
07-30-2015, 10:58 AM
"Today I watched a poor old lady fall down crossing the street. At least I assume she was poor. She only had $1.23 in her purse".

HyperV12
07-30-2015, 11:01 AM
What's the difference between erotic and kinky?

Erotic is when you use a feather.

Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.

HyperV12
07-30-2015, 11:09 AM
I'm going to start a glass coffin company. Will my idea take off? Remains to be seen.

The Monk
08-02-2015, 07:35 AM
I've never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.

The Monk
08-02-2015, 07:37 AM
On my birthday, I get a blowjob.
On our anniversary, I get a blowjob.
On valentine's day, I get a blowjob.
At xmas, I get a blowjob.

So at every major celebratory occasion, I get a blowjob.

I flop my cock out at the mother-in-law's funeral and all of a sudden I'm insensitive.

The Monk
08-02-2015, 07:38 AM
A senior policeman in China has been suspended from his job after being caught masturbating and smoking joints in his office.

No name was given but he was a high wanking officer.

The Monk
08-02-2015, 07:39 AM
I saw a hearse today with a wreath inside that said "DAD"......


I think they left the "E" out...

The Monk
08-02-2015, 07:40 AM
UK Headline:

Black man nearly drowns in local river.

US Headline:

Black man caught stealing water. Shot 4 times.

The Monk
08-02-2015, 07:42 AM
Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.

"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"

"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."

The Monk
08-02-2015, 07:42 AM
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.
"I really need a new fucking boat," I thought to myself.

The Monk
08-02-2015, 07:59 AM
I met this girl the other day and she took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly.

I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open.

"Oh shit, it's my boyfriend!" she exclaimed "Quick, use the backdoor".

Now it's at about this time I probably should have left...but you just don't get an offer like that every day.

The Monk
08-02-2015, 08:00 AM
I met this girl the other day and she took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly.

I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open.

"Oh shit, it's my boyfriend!" she exclaimed "Quick, use the backdoor".

Now it's at about this time I probably should have left...but you just don't get an offer like that every day.

HyperV12
08-02-2015, 05:56 PM
Roses are red, violets are blue, I have candy and a gun, get in the fucking van!

The Monk
08-07-2015, 07:07 AM
As of this week, all new Euros are to be printed on Greece-proof paper.
--
Syria has appealed for international assistance today, after a boatload of 500 Greeks arrived seeking a better life.
--
What are the first three letters of the Greek alphabet? I.O.U.
--
My son asked me what it was like to live in Greece, so I took his pocket money off him.

The Monk
08-07-2015, 07:09 AM
"You'll be fine" the doctor said after finishing the young blonde woman's surgery. But, she asked "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?" The surgeon seemed to pause and his face reddened... as a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye. The blonde was alarmed. "What's the matter, doctor? I will be all right, won't I?" He replied "Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out".

The Monk
08-07-2015, 07:11 AM
A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand. The turtle's one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape. The bartender looks at the guy and asks: "What's wrong with your turtle?" "Not a thing" the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!" "Not a chance!" replies the barkeep. "Okay then, says the guy... you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I'll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there". So the bartender, thinking it's an easy $500, agrees. The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog. Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says - "I WIN... told you it'll be there before your dog!"

The Monk
08-07-2015, 07:11 AM
Woman gives birth to twins. The midwife says there's good news and bad news. Bad news is one's ginger but the good news is it's dead.

redred
08-07-2015, 01:27 PM
http://i.imgur.com/hCKRUpf.jpg

redred
08-07-2015, 01:28 PM
http://i.imgur.com/mxt4EuW.jpg

redred
08-07-2015, 01:29 PM
http://i.imgur.com/pwy0UX0.jpg



:australia::australia::rofl::australia::rofl:

HyperV12
08-07-2015, 05:12 PM
:rofl:

The Monk
08-08-2015, 09:14 AM
http://i.imgur.com/pwy0UX0.jpg



:australia::australia::rofl::australia::rofl:



CUNNY FUNT !! :lol:

redred
08-08-2015, 09:31 PM
you had to know you were going to get some stick :lol:

The Monk
08-21-2015, 03:34 AM
http://i.imgur.com/hCKRUpf.jpg


http://i.imgur.com/mxt4EuW.jpg


http://i.imgur.com/pwy0UX0.jpg



:australia::australia::rofl::australia::rofl:


:rofl:


you had to know you were going to get some stick :lol:



Short memories...... or is it just that you don't very often get this chance? :mrgreen:

The Monk
08-21-2015, 03:34 AM
As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter. I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me. "I really need a new fucking boat" I thought to myself.

The Monk
08-28-2015, 10:48 AM
Man goes to a fancy costume party wearing only a glass jar on his penis. A woman asks "What are you?" He says "I'm a fireman". "But you're only wearing a glass jar...?" says the woman. "Exactly! In an emergency, break glass, pull knob and I'll come as fast as I can!"

The Monk
08-30-2015, 12:09 PM
A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY... for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for the last 48 years!!..

HyperV12
08-31-2015, 03:24 PM
My wife keeps getting upset with me for using the word cunt.

I guess she has a point, I really should learn her mothers name.

HyperV12
08-31-2015, 03:27 PM
I fucked a girl with a bad stutter last night.

It was great, I managed to finish before she could say No.

HyperV12
08-31-2015, 03:31 PM
Two blokes sitting in a pub. One turns to the other and says 'I fucked your mum last night. We did everthing, in the cunt, in the ass, in the mouth, then I licked her asshole while she fingered mine. After I splooged up her nose I shat in a bag and watched her eat it while I fistfucked her dog.'
The other guy puts down his pint and says 'let's go home Dad, I think you've had enough.'

The Monk
09-09-2015, 12:08 PM
I walked into work and said to my boss, "Sorry I'm a few minutes late, my sister was raped this morning."

"Is she alright?" he asked.

I said, "Yeah, not bad at all."

The Monk
09-09-2015, 12:09 PM
If I had a pound for every time I was racist...

Black people would rob me.

The Monk
09-09-2015, 12:10 PM
What's worse than finding a hole in your condom?


Finding a condom in your hole... :lol:

The Monk
09-11-2015, 10:57 AM
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud "I wonder what happened to this parrot?" The parrot replies "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot".

"WOW!" the guy exclaims. "You actually understood and answered me!" "I got every word" says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird".

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks "Then answer this. How do you hang onto your perch without any feet?" "Well" the parrot says "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my willie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers".

"Wow" says the guy "you really can understand and speak English, can't you!?" "Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion".

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that". "Pssssssst" says the parrot "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humour, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathises, and he's insightful.

The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes "Psssssssssssst" and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman".

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy. "When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately".

"WHAT?!" the guy asks incredulously. "Then what happened?" "Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty and began petting her all over" reported the parrot. "My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up the nighty, got down on his knees and began to lick her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down..." "WELL???" demands the frantic guy "THEN WHAT
HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know! I got a hard-on and fell off my perch!"

The Monk
09-11-2015, 11:01 AM
KNOW YOUR POOP

GHOST POOP: The kind where you feel the poop come out, but there is no poop in the toilet.

CLEAN POOP: The kind where you poop it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

WET POOP: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear, so you won't ruin them with a stain.

SECOND WAVE POOP: This happens when you're done pooping and you've pulled your pants up to your knees and you realise that you have to poop some more.

POP-A-VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD-POOP: The kind were you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.

LINCOLN LOG POOP: The kind of poop that is so huge, you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.

GASSY POOP: It's so noisy, everyone within earshot is notified.

CORN POOP: Self-explanatory.

GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOP-POOP: The kind where you want to poop, but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.

SPINAL TAP POOP: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving sideways.

WET CHEEKS POOP: (The power dump) The kind that comes out of your butt so fast, your cheeks get splashed with water.

LIQUID POOP: The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt and splashes all over the toilet bowl.

MEXICAN POOP: It smells so bad your nose burns.

UPPER CLASS POOP: The kind of poop that doesen't smell.

THE SURPRISE POOP: You are not even at the toilet because you are sure your about to fart, but OOPS! a poop.

THE DANGLING POOP: This poop refuses to drop into the toilet even though you know you are done pooping. You just pray that a shake or two will cut it loose.

HyperV12
09-11-2015, 03:50 PM
:lol:

The Monk
09-18-2015, 04:26 AM
Two men were driving through Alberta when they got pulled over by an RCMP officer.

The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his nightstick. The driver rolled down the window, and *WHACK* the cop smacked him in the head with his nightstick.

"What the hell was that for?" the driver asked. "You're in Alberta son" the cop answered. "When we pull you over in Alberta, you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car".

"I'm sorry officer" the driver said "I'm not from around here".

The cop runs a check on the guy's license - he's clean, and gives the guy his license back.

The cop then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window, and *WHACK* the cop smacks him on the head with the nightstick.

"What'd you do that for?" the passenger demands. "Just making your wish come true" replied the cop. "Making WHAT wish come true?" the passenger asked. "Because I know your type" the cop says "two miles down the road, you're gonna turn to your buddy and say 'I wish that asshole would've tried that shit with me!'"

The Monk
09-18-2015, 04:27 AM
An Arab has spent many days crossing the desert without finding a source of water. It gets so bad that his camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden he sees a shiny object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers that it was a Manischevitz wine bottle. It appears that there may be a drop or two left in the bottle, so he unscrews the top and out pops a genie.

"Well, kid" says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes". "I'm not going to trust you" says the Arab. "I'm not going to trust a genie!" "What do you have to lose? It looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The Arab thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "Okay, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink".

*POOF*

The Arab finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"Okay, kid, what's your second wish?" "My second wish is that I were rich beyond wildest dreams".

*POOF*

The Arab finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"Okay, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the Arab says: "I wish I were white and surrounded by beautiful women".

*POOF*

The Arab is turned into a tampon.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS: Be careful of what you wish for. There may be a string attached.

The Monk
09-18-2015, 04:28 AM
It's Jesus' last night before he's off to be crucified, and after supper the disciples decide to treat him to a night of passion with a hooker.

They all wander off to find a brothel, go inside and find the prettiest one there. They each chip in a few pieces of silver, and with much jeering send Jesus off upstairs with his new companion.

Five minutes later the disciples hear raised voices from upstairs. It sounds an awful lot like Jesus' whore swearing and cursing at him.

One of the disciples spots him looking very sheepish at the top of the stairs.

Disciple: "What are you doing there mate? You're meant to be enjoying yourself!"

Jesus: "Yeah, I know".

Disciple: "We paid for a full hour - you've only been five minutes!"

Jesus: "I know".

Disciple: "So what's up?"

Jesus: "Well we both got naked, and I started having a good feel, after a little while I moved my hand down to between her legs and began touching her puss".

Disciple: "That's what she's paid for... so what's the problem?"

Jesus: "It healed".

The Monk
09-25-2015, 09:59 AM
A school teacher asks her class "What vegetable makes your eyes water?" Little Johnny replies "An eggplant". "No Johnny" says the teacher "I believe you are thinking of an onion, aren't you?" "No miss" Says Johnny "Have you never been hit in the balls with an eggplant?"

The Monk
09-25-2015, 10:06 AM
On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere, the following group of people are shipwrecked:

-2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
-2 French men and 1 French woman
-2 German men and 1 German woman
-2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
-2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
-2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
-2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
-2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
-2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
-2 American mean and 1 American woman
-2 English men and 1 English woman
-2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on the same island in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

-One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
-The two French men and the French woman are living happily together having loads of sex.
-The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they alternate with the German woman.
-The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
-The two Polish men took one long look at the endless ocean, another long look at the Polish woman, and started swimming.
-The two Japanese men have emailed Tokyo, and are awaiting instructions.
-The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their stores.
-The two Australian men beat each other senseless fighting over the Australian woman, who is checking out all the other men, after calling them both 'bloody wankers".
-Both New Zealand men are searching the island for sheep. The Kiwi woman is trying to root the Aussie guys.
-The two American men are contemplating suicide because the American woman keeps complaining about her body; the true nature of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of fulfilment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving, and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.
-The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
-The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and have set up a distillery.
They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

The Monk
10-05-2015, 04:10 AM
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighbouring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him, but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness. So he offered him freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer; if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed.

The question was: "What do women really want?"

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Well, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. In all, he spoke with everyone but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

What most people did tell him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified: she was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage water, often made obscene noises... He had never run across such a repugnant creature.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question: What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighbouring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.

The wedding night approached: Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight waited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she'd been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which would he want her to be during the day and which during the night? What a cruel question?

Gawain began to think of his predicament: During the day a beautiful woman to show off to his friend, but at night, in the privacy of his home, an old spooky witch? Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch, but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments?

What would you do?

What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.

Noble Gawain replied that he would let her choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life. What is he moral of this story?

THE MORAL IS THAT IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOUR WOMAN IS PRETTY Or UGLY, UNDERNEATH IT ALL, SHE'S STILL A WITCH.

The Monk
10-05-2015, 04:15 AM
One misty Scottish morning a man is driving through the hills to Inverness.

Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander steps into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four, has a huge red beard and, despite the wind, mist, and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle.

At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair... heart stopping. The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham.

"Right, you Jimmy" he shouts "Ah want you to masturbate!" "But..." stammers the driver. "Du it now!! Or I'll bluddy kill yu!" So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside, this doesn't take him long.

"Right!" snarls the Highlander. "'Du it agin, now!" So the driver does it again. "Right laddie, du it agin!" demands the Highlander. This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, is violently aching, his sight is failing and despite the cold wind, he has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand.

"Du it again!" says the Highlander. "I can't do it anymore! You'll just have to kill me!" whimpers the man. The Highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside and says "All right laddie. NOW, can you give ma daughter a lift to Inverness?"

The Monk
10-09-2015, 10:18 AM
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named 'Amal'. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan'. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, 'But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.'

The Monk
10-14-2015, 08:01 AM
This girl came up to me today and said she recognized me from the vegetarian club.

I was confused, I'd never met herbivore.

The Monk
10-14-2015, 08:13 AM
What's the difference between a snowman and a snow woman?

Snowballs.

The Monk
10-14-2015, 08:18 AM
There's reports coming in about an unexplained explosion that's caused a 75ft deep hole in Trafalgar Square!!

Police are looking into it.

HyperV12
10-14-2015, 09:42 AM
What gets easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

A woman

The Monk
10-15-2015, 04:48 AM
What kind of insect blows its self up?

A jihaddi long leg!

The Monk
10-15-2015, 08:45 AM
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went....

Then it dawned on me.

The Monk
10-15-2015, 08:45 AM
My mate has a new job clearing leaves this Autumn.

He reckons he’s going to rake it in.

The Monk
10-16-2015, 02:01 AM
A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favourite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favourite fishing guide. One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.

"Yes, but you know how I love to fish..." "But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?" "Yes, but she's got gonorrhoea; and you know how I love to fish!"

A few hours later "I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex". "I know, but she's got diarrhoea; and you know how I love to fish..."

The following day: "Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex".

"Yeah, but she's got phyrrea; and you know how I love to fish..."

Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated: "I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that".

"It's 'cause she's also got worms; and you know I just love to fish..."

The Monk
10-16-2015, 02:18 AM
I was in a pub and told the following joke: What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath? Throw your clothes in so they get a wash.

Once the guffawing of my friends had died down, I became aware of a man on the other side of the bar, looking quite choked and talking to the landlord. The landlord came over to me and told me that the gentleman at the bar had recently lost his son and that my joke had offended him. I thought I should apologise.

I approached the gentleman at the bar and offered my condolences for his loss and my apologies if my joke had upset him. He said that the joke had only got to him because his son was an epileptic and it was a fit which killed him.

I wondered as to how a fit could actually kill someone and the man said that his son had slipped and hit his head and that was what had killed him. I asked where his son had slipped and the man said it was in the bath. Well, I realised then how inappropriate my joke had been in the circumstances.

"Did your son hit his head on a tap then?" I asked. "No" replied the man; "he choked on one of my socks".

The Monk
10-16-2015, 02:23 AM
Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said "Oh Jack, cud ye be after givin' me a pint o' brandy".

"Sister Mary Katherine!" exclaimed Jack "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in me life!" "Oh Jack, me lad" she responded "tis only for the Mother Superior". Her voice dropped. "It will be helpin' her with the constipation, you know".

So Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine completely wasted!

She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering so Jack pushed through and exclaimed "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame on ye! "Ye told me the brandy was fer the Mother Superior's constipation!"

Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied "And so it tis, me lad, so it tis. When the Mother Superior sees me like this, I'm truly believin', she's going to shit!"

The Monk
10-16-2015, 04:07 AM
My mate got sacked from working on the dodgems.

He's suing for funfair dismissal

The Monk
10-16-2015, 04:07 AM
What's got two legs and bleeds a lot?

Half a dog.

The Monk
10-16-2015, 04:20 AM
I promised my wife the earth today.

But gave her the live and electrocuted her.

The Monk
10-16-2015, 04:25 AM
My hot lesbian neighbours got me Rolex for my birthday.

It's nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch"

The Monk
10-16-2015, 04:32 AM
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.

Last year they consumed 72,400 bananas and only 4 monkeys.

The Monk
10-18-2015, 02:55 PM
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CRmGk83WEAQCEr_.jpg

The Monk
10-23-2015, 09:30 AM
There are three mums. A Brunette, a Redhead, and a Blonde. They were all talking one day and the brunette says "Oh my gosh y'all I went through my daughter's purse the other day to get some gum, and I found an ounce of weed. I cannot believe she smokes weed!" They comfort her, and the redhead says "Yeah, well I found a fake ID in my daughter's purse. I cannot believe she has one". So they all comfort her. Then the blonde says "That's nothing. I found a condom in my daughter's purse. I just cannot believe she has a penis"

The Monk
10-23-2015, 09:30 AM
Got this text from my brother recently. It read "Can I stay at your house for a while? The ol' lady kicked me out after she caught me measuring my dick. For what it's worth, it reaches all the way to the back of her sister's throat!"

The Monk
10-24-2015, 10:26 AM
I went to the shop to buy some camouflage trousers earlier..

But I couldn't find any.

The Monk
10-24-2015, 10:26 AM
Innuendo, an Italian suppository. ??

The Monk
10-24-2015, 10:26 AM
Doctor said I had jelly, custard and sponge in my ears.

Explains why I was a trifle deaf.

The Monk
10-24-2015, 10:27 AM
Quasimodo goes to the pub and says "Scotch whiskey please"

Barman says "Bell's alright?"

Quasi says "Mind your own business".

The Monk
10-24-2015, 10:32 AM
I walked into my sister’s room and tripped on a bra.

It was a booby trap.

The Monk
10-24-2015, 10:34 AM
I met a girl with 12 nipples today

Sounds fun

Dozen tit

The Monk
10-26-2015, 03:54 AM
Did you know that the people of Dubai don't like the Flintstones?

But Abu Dhabi do.

The Monk
10-26-2015, 03:55 AM
Fell asleep at a party last night, and someone put a teabag in my mouth, i went mental!!!!

No one treats me like a mug.

The Monk
10-26-2015, 03:55 AM
How do you make a door laugh?

Tickle it's knob.

The Monk
10-26-2015, 03:56 AM
I worked as a stand up comedian in a old peoples home once...

None of them understood my jokes but they still pissed themselves.

The Monk
10-29-2015, 08:14 AM
I got hit in the head by a can of coke.

Lucky for me it was a soft drink.

The Monk
10-29-2015, 08:23 AM
I've just arrived in England to surprise my fiancée.

She's in Australia and the wedding's tomorrow.

The Monk
10-29-2015, 08:25 AM
Don't waste your money on anti wrinkle cream. I have been using it for six months.

My balls still look like walnuts.

The Monk
10-29-2015, 08:26 AM
I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.

She said, "Nothing would make me happier than diamond earrings."

So I got her nothing.

The Monk
10-29-2015, 08:31 AM
First thing this morning, there was a tap on my door.

Funny sense of humour my plumber has....

The Monk
10-29-2015, 08:32 AM
If binge drinking destroys your memory?..

What does binge drinking do?..

The Monk
10-30-2015, 03:12 AM
Have YOU had to walk 500 miles?

Were you advised to walk 500 more?

You could be entitled to compensation.

Call the Pro Claimers NOW.

The Monk
10-30-2015, 03:13 AM
My mate Sid’s been a victim of ID theft..

He's now called ‘S’

The Monk
10-31-2015, 10:26 AM
"If women ruled the world," said my wife, "there'd be no wars."

"That's true," I replied. "Wars require strategy and logic."

The Monk
11-05-2015, 10:38 AM
A truck full of Viagra was stolen today.

Police are on the lookout for a group of hardened criminals.

The Monk
11-05-2015, 10:46 AM
Why can't T-Rex clap its hands?

Because they're extinct.

The Monk
11-06-2015, 10:46 AM
Whenever I have sex, it's a race to see who comes first. Me or the police.

RBP
11-06-2015, 01:56 PM
"If women ruled the world," said my wife, "there'd be no wars."

"That's true," I replied. "Wars require strategy and logic."

:lol:

HyperV12
11-08-2015, 04:06 PM
How is gang rape like rugby?

You have more chance of success if you're All Blacks

HyperV12
11-08-2015, 04:07 PM
Was checking into the hotel, I asked the clerk if the porn channel in my room could be disabled, and she said, "no, we just have regular porn..........you sick fuckin' bastard".

The Monk
11-12-2015, 04:23 AM
I used to be a tap dancer but I kept falling in the sink.

The Monk
11-12-2015, 04:23 AM
Which film star is always jumping around the forest?

John Treevaulter

The Monk
11-12-2015, 04:24 AM
A huge section of tree just broke off and demolished a bank in town

I've no idea which branch it was though..

The Monk
11-12-2015, 04:24 AM
My mate just asked me if he could put a teabag in my mouth and fill me with boiling water.

He must think I'm some kind of mug.

The Monk
11-12-2015, 02:20 PM
What's better than winning gold at the Paralympics?

Getting away with murder.

HyperV12
11-12-2015, 08:02 PM
What's the hardest part of a vegetable to eat?

The wheelchair

Fodster
11-13-2015, 01:53 AM
:ewww:

The Monk
11-16-2015, 01:17 AM
A man received the following text from his neighbour: "I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night whenever you're not around. In fact, more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't ever happen again". The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her. A few moments later, a second text came in: "Bloody autocorrect! I meant wifi not wife"...

The Monk
11-17-2015, 10:45 AM
I've been sleeping with my girlfriend and her twin, but luckily I can tell them apart.

Her brother has a moustache.

The Monk
11-18-2015, 11:17 AM
My window cleaner was banging on my window shouting and swearing.

I thought to myself: he's lost his rag!

The Monk
11-18-2015, 11:20 AM
My mate has swallowed some Lego.
The doctor's aren't too worried, but he's shitting bricks.

The Monk
11-20-2015, 10:00 AM
I took a bird back to my house the other night. "Why are all of these photos turned the other way?" she asked, confused. "They're pictures of my wife" I replied. "They're just too painful to look at". "Oh, I'm sorry" she stammered "I didn't know. How did it happen, if you don't mind me asking?" "Both of her parents were ugly" I replied

HyperV12
11-20-2015, 12:31 PM
Paddy has broken his leg and his buddy Mick comes over to see him.

Mick says 'how you doin'?'

Paddy says 'okay but do us a favour mate, run upstairs and get me slippers, me feet are freezing.'

Mick goes upstairs and sees Paddy's gorgeous 19-year-old twin daughters sitting on the bed.

He says 'your dad's sent me up here to have sex with both of you'.

They say 'get away with ya... prove it.'

Mick shouts downstairs 'Paddy, both of 'em?'

Paddy shouts back 'Of course both of 'em, what's the point of fuckin' one?'

The Monk
11-21-2015, 10:10 AM
What's the difference between jam and jelly?

You can't jelly your dick up your girlfriend's arse!

The Monk
11-23-2015, 10:06 AM
"Doctor I think I'm a moth".

"It's not a doctor you need it's a psychiatrist"

"I was on my way there when I saw your light on"

The Monk
11-23-2015, 10:08 AM
What's long and hard and has cum in it?

A cucumber!

The Monk
11-27-2015, 09:33 AM
John was in a bar looking very dejected. His friend, Steve, walked over and asked "What's wrong?" "It's my mother-in-law" John replied, while shaking his head sadly. "I have a real problem with her". "Cheer up" Steve said. "Everyone has problems with their mother-in- law". "Yeah" John answered. "But I got mine pregnant".

The Monk
12-04-2015, 10:27 AM
If men always fall asleep directly after sex then why is it so hard to catch a rapist?

The Monk
12-04-2015, 10:31 AM
The Red Cross knocked at my door asking if I could help towards the floods in India. I said I would love to, but my hose only reaches the bottom of the driveway.

The Monk
12-04-2015, 11:22 AM
First rule of Thesaurus Club.

You don't talk, converse, discuss, speak, chat, deliberate, confer, gab, gossip or natter about Thesaurus Club

The Monk
12-04-2015, 11:27 AM
I can't believe my best friend has died doing what he loved. He was a respected and popular skydiver.

Really down to earth guy

HyperV12
12-08-2015, 11:59 PM
A virile, young Italian gentleman named Giusto was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young
blonde woman.

Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled
her senseless with his love making.

After a pleasant interlude he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?" She
paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."

Surprised, Giusto reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she
thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally
ends and, again, Giusto smiles and asks, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him
and softly says, "No." Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to
outlast him, Giusto reaches for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely manages it, but they end together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Giusto falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his
head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispers in his ear.
"No, I Norwegian"

The Monk
12-11-2015, 08:38 AM
I thought the wife would be the ideal candidate for a new TV show. Turns out I got it all wrong and the program's called FACT Hunt.

The Monk
12-11-2015, 08:40 AM
My son was sent home from school for swearing today. I said what did u say? He said the 'c' word. I said "It wasn't clever, was it?" He said "No, it was cunt".

The Monk
12-11-2015, 08:42 AM
There are three brothers, Tom, Dick and Harry. Tom calls Dick and says "Listen Dick, my wife has been in the hospital for two months and I need a woman! Why don't you send your wife over to spend a couple of nights with me and when my wife gets out of the hospital I'll let her spend a couple of nights with you, okay?" This really makes Dick angry! So angry that he calls Harry and tells him about it. Harry says "Man, you should have taken him up on that deal! His wife is much better in bed than your wife..."

The Monk
12-13-2015, 04:47 AM
Why do women have legs?

Have you seen the mess snails make!?

The Monk
12-13-2015, 04:47 AM
Why do women have legs?

Have you seen the mess snails make!?

The Monk
12-13-2015, 04:49 AM
A charity worker knocked on my door and said "would you like to enter a race, it's for blind kids" I thought "well damn, I could win that!"

The Monk
12-18-2015, 11:03 AM
A nun and a priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning. After dusting themselves off the nun and the priest surveyed their situation.

After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. "Well Sister, this looks pretty grim". "I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two". "I agree" says the Father. "Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?" "Yes Father - anything". "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours". "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm".

The Nun opened her habit and the priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

"Sister, would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes. "Father, could I ask something of you?" "Yes, Sister?" "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?" "I suppose that would be okay" the Priest replied lifting his robe. "Oh Father, may I touch it?" The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

"Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life?" "Is that true Father?" "Yes, it is, Sister". "Oh Father, that is wonderful! Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!"

The Monk
12-19-2015, 09:52 AM
I've started a business building yachts in my attic. Sails are going through the roof.

The Monk
12-19-2015, 09:56 AM
What do cheap hotels and tight pants have in common?

No ballroom!




What do you call a big Irish spider?

A Paddy long legs!

The Monk
12-24-2015, 08:01 AM
What do you call a man with no arms and no legs, but can play the piano really well?

Clever Dick!

The Monk
12-25-2015, 03:30 AM
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? GLOVES! Nah, just kidding… He still hasn’t unwrapped his present.

The Monk
12-26-2015, 01:36 AM
-I prefer breasts to legs.
-Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
-Smother the butter all over the breasts.
-If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
-I've never seen a better spread!
-I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
-Are you ready for seconds yet?
-It's a little dry; do you still want to eat it?
-Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
-Don't play with your meat!
-Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
-Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
-I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
-You still have a little bit on your chin.
-How long will it take after you put it in?
-You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
-Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
-That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
-I'm so full; I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
-Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more.


Christmas dinner is the only time you can say the above... and not be rude.. :lol:

redred
01-02-2016, 09:13 AM
I met an older woman at a bar last night. She looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking she probably had a really hot daughter. We drank a couple of beers, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double? 'What's that? I asked. 'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said. As my mind began to embrace the idea, and I wondered what her daughter might look like, I said, 'No, I haven't.' We drank a bit more, then she said with a wink, 'tonight's your lucky night'. We went back to her place. We walked in. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mom...you still awake?'

RBP
01-02-2016, 02:12 PM
:shock:

The Monk
01-07-2016, 03:58 AM
Why don't blind men skydive?

Because it scares the shit out of the dog.

The Monk
01-11-2016, 05:58 AM
Drinking a non-alcoholic beer is like muffing your sister, it tastes the same but something's not right about it.

The Monk
01-11-2016, 06:00 AM
A man is talking to his best friend about married life. "You know" he says "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there's always that doubt". His friend says "Yeah, I know what you mean".

A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend. "While I'm away, could you do me a favour? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there's always that doubt".

The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town. Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend. "So did anything happen?" "I have some bad news for you" says the friend. "The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they turned off the light".

"Then what happened?" says the man. "I don't know. It was too dark to see". "Damn, you see what I mean? There's always that doubt".

The Monk
01-14-2016, 10:31 AM
I asked 100 women what shower soap they were using, and the most popular reply was:-


http://asset-0.soupcdn.com/asset/0992/3708_03d8_750.jpeg




"How the fuck did you get in here?"

The Monk
01-17-2016, 10:17 AM
What's a twack?


Something a twain wuns on. :lol:

The Monk
01-17-2016, 10:18 AM
I just saw on the news 'Missing girl found safe' What I wanna know is.. Could she crack it?

The Monk
01-17-2016, 10:27 AM
The wife said my cock reminded her of a supermarket I said why because it's well stocked and supplies your every need No because it's Lidl

The Monk
01-17-2016, 10:29 AM
The wife told me to go out and get her something to look nice. So I came back with a bottle of scotch and a carton of beer!

The Monk
01-17-2016, 10:32 AM
Whilst having sex I suddenly stopped & didn't move.

Wife said 'What are you doing?"

I said I've seen this on PornHub it's called buffering

The Monk
01-21-2016, 02:12 PM
What's the difference between a Taliban outpost and a Pakistani elementary school?

I don't know, I just fly the drone.

The Monk
01-21-2016, 02:28 PM
The doctor took the husband in first. The husband was a bit embarrassed and told the doctor he had trouble getting an erection with his wife and she was getting frustrated. He checked his blood pressure and other things then said he was going to check with the wife.

He took her to another cubicle and asked her to disrobe. Then he told her to turn all the way around slowly. She did as instructed. He then told her to turn all the way around in the other direction.

Then he said - "Okay good - you can get dressed now, and I will talk to your husband".

The doctor went back to the other cubicle and said to the husband "Well, you can relax, there is nothing wrong with you. I couldn't get an erection either".

The Monk
01-21-2016, 02:35 PM
Two friends meet in the office. One of them, a notorious techno-geek.

"Hey, bud, how are ya?" "I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!" "Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!"

"No way, how could that be?" "Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!" "Holy shit! You're kidding, right?" "No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her".

So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! Eeeeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"

The guy says "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"

The Monk
01-22-2016, 04:59 AM
Bought the missus a vibrator for her birthday.

She's done nothing but moan ever since!

The Monk
01-23-2016, 04:46 AM
During an exercise to dredge a lake in Rednecksville, Mississippi, workmen recovered skeletal human remains wrapped in over 100lbs of heavy chain. After some investigation, dog-tags helped to identify the remains as those of Samuel Morgan, a local leading black civil rights activist who mysteriously disappeared in 1962.

Called to make a statement for the press, Sheriff Wilbur T Poltroon announced:
"Well, folks, it seems what we have here is an open and shut case: another ole nigger done stole more scrap iron than he could swim with!"

The Monk
01-23-2016, 04:50 AM
340.8

The jumper I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity so I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one free of charge.

The Monk
01-23-2016, 04:51 AM
It was Sally from Accounts' last day at work today, so I told her I would let her suck my cock as a leaving present.

Turns out it was my last day at work as well.

The Monk
01-27-2016, 11:54 AM
I was walking through an arts and crafts shop when I saw a sign saying, "Glue Sticks." I thought, "No shit."

The Monk
01-27-2016, 11:54 AM
Went to the Ice Cream Van & asked for a 99, the Ice Cream Man asked if I wanted hundreds and thousands? I said no thanks mate, just the one

The Monk
01-27-2016, 11:58 AM
My favourite sexual position is the JFK.

I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

The Monk
01-28-2016, 10:38 AM
I wanked over my blind girlfriends tits yesterday. She never saw me coming.

The Monk
01-28-2016, 10:38 AM
The wife thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits. She's got a point, I suppose.. I work in a hammer factory

The Monk
01-28-2016, 10:39 AM
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.

Lady said "Is King Kong Coming?"


I said "No it’s just the paste off my brush"

The Monk
01-29-2016, 11:03 AM
Two Aussie builders, Keith and Ken, are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Ken: "I reckon he's an accountant".
Keith: "No way - he's a stockbroker".
Ken: "He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!"

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Ken and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.

Ken: "'Scuse me mate... no offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?"
Suit: "No offence taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession".
Ken: "Oh! What's that then?"
Suit: "I'll try to explain by example... do you have a goldfish at home?
Ken: "Err... hmmm... well yeah, I do as it happens!"
Suit: "Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Ken: "It's in a pond!"
Suit: "Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden".
Ken "As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!"
Suit: "Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?"
Ken: "As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house... built it myself!"
Suit: "Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?"
Ken: "Yes I am married, I live with my wife and five children".
Suit: "Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?"
Ken: "Yep! Five or six nights a week!"
Suit: "Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?"
Ken: "Me? Never!"
Suit: "Well there you are! That's logical science at work!"
Ken: "How's that then?"
Suit: "Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!"
Ken: "I see! That's pretty impressive... thanks mate!

Both leave the toilet and Ken returns to his mate.

Keith: "I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?"
Ken: "Yep! He's a logical scientist!"
Keith: "What's that then?"
Ken: "I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?"
Keith: "Nope".
Ken: "Well then, you're a wanker!"

The Monk
01-29-2016, 11:10 AM
An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.

The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a mobile phone and yelled
"Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"

The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we'll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!"

He began his series of questions:

Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the altimeter Dial in front of me".

Tower: "Okay, that's good, remain calm. How do you know you're traveling at 180 mph?"
Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the airspeed dial in front of me".

Tower: Okay, this is great so far, but it's heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?"
Aircraft: "The shit in my pants is running out of my shirt collar".

The Monk
01-30-2016, 11:04 AM
"Can I have a pack of condoms?"
I asked the pharmacist..

"A small box?" he asked..

"I hope so!" I replied.

The Monk
02-05-2016, 08:57 AM
I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer (a girl) came up behind me, and slapped me on the butt. She said "Hey sexy, how about giving me your number". I looked at her and said "Have you got a pen?" She said "I sure do". I said "Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you're missing".

fricnjay
02-05-2016, 03:20 PM
I was in the Texas Rose last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly, big old heifer (a girl) came up behind me, and slapped me on the butt. She said "Hey sexy, how about giving me your number". I looked at her and said "Have you got a pen?" She said "I sure do". I said "Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you're missing".

:lol:

The Monk
02-07-2016, 04:50 AM
The good thing about marriage is that you can have sex at anytime you want.

As long as you are the one with the vagina.

The Monk
02-07-2016, 04:58 AM
Two reasons why I don't drink toilet water.

Number 1
Number 2

The Monk
02-07-2016, 05:00 AM
A British prisoner has squeezed 4 smuggled mobile phones out of his arse

All chargers have been dropped.

The Monk
02-07-2016, 05:00 AM
I asked J.K. Rowling about Harry's father.

She thinks it's James Hewitt as well.

The Monk
02-07-2016, 05:01 AM
Mrs & 3 of her pals squeezed into my car after weight watchers..

I muttered "fat cows"

The Mrs snapped "What was that!?"
I said "You Herd"

The Monk
02-08-2016, 02:58 AM
My wife and I have decided we don't want children. If anybody does, we can drop them off tomorrow!

The Monk
02-10-2016, 12:11 PM
I accidentally swallowed a box of Scrabble tiles... my next shit could spell disaster!

The Monk
02-10-2016, 12:11 PM
A woman asks her husband at breakfast time, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now.
It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asked him if he would like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins or a chee...se sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "It’s really spoiled my need for food."
Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me?
I'm bloody starving!!.

The Monk
02-10-2016, 12:15 PM
A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex, she spent the next hour rubbing his testicles, something she just loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?" "Because," she replied, "I really miss mine."

The Monk
02-10-2016, 12:23 PM
I accidentally sent a picture of my dick to everyone in my address book today.
Not only was it really embarrassing, it cost me a fortune in stamps.

The Monk
02-10-2016, 12:23 PM
Found a note stuck on my door from my saucy blonde neighbour earlier, saying "I want you to come round tonight and fuck me stupid", but she can piss off.
Nobody calls me names then asks for a favour.

The Monk
02-10-2016, 12:27 PM
Fucking hell!! I have mixed up my valentines cards.
Now my girlfriend thinks I love her and my wife thinks I want to fuck her senseless

The Monk
02-10-2016, 12:30 PM
The sex life's not been great recently so the wife's bought a dildo to spice it up a bit.
She says, "It's shaped like a carrot!" which is a ironic really, because her fanny looks like a donkey yawning.

The Monk
02-10-2016, 12:31 PM
I was telling my missus about reincarnation but you have to come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. So I said: "You obviously aren't listening properly".

The Monk
02-10-2016, 12:32 PM
HOW THE INTERNET STARTED, ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE

Please do not Google or check this with Snopes. They will lie to you. Trust me!

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.

To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew to the People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drum heads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.

It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).

That is how it all began. And that's the truth.

Fodster
02-11-2016, 03:11 AM
I said to my missus "hey! Cunt bitch, what do you want for your Valentine's Day?"
She said "oi, dont get fucking lippy" I said "right, mascara it is then"

The Monk
02-11-2016, 10:30 AM
I told my doctor I was suffering from Premature ejaculation.

He asked " How does your wife feel about it?"

I said " She took it on the chin the first time but recently it's been getting on her tits! "

The Monk
02-11-2016, 10:51 AM
My girlfriend was in labor with our first child. She was shouting, "Get this out of me! Give me the drugs!" She looked at me and yelled, "You did this to me, you bastard!" I casually replied, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, 'That would hurt too much'."

The Monk
02-11-2016, 11:10 AM
When my wife left, I was sad and lonely.
So I got a dog, a new motorbike, shagged 2 women and blew a grand on drugs and alcohol.
She's going to go fucking nuts when she gets back from work.

Fodster
02-12-2016, 04:32 AM
I told my doctor I was suffering from Premature ejaculation.

He asked " How does your wife feel about it?"

I said " She took it on the chin the first time but recently it's been getting on her tits! "

:rofl: :beerchug::razz::clap:

Fodster
02-12-2016, 11:29 AM
There was a blackout in my neighborhood last night.

The police told us to stay in our houses until they'd shot him

The Monk
02-14-2016, 09:55 AM
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

The Monk
02-14-2016, 09:56 AM
Got the missus a new bag and a new belt for Valentines Day....

She'll be made up!

The hoovers as good as new now.

The Monk
02-15-2016, 07:08 AM
Im in trouble with my wife after she asked where I was taking her today?
It seems that over the coffee table was not what she wanted to hear

The Monk
02-15-2016, 07:16 AM
Roses are red
They can also be pink
You were too long in the bathroom
So I pissed in the sink

The Monk
02-20-2016, 08:21 AM
A man's balls had turned brown and he was worried so he made an appointment with his doctor. When he got home from the appointment he sat down in his chair in the living room. He hollered for his wife to come from the kitchen. After a while when she didn't come he hollered again. After the third time she hollered back "I haven't got time. I am fixing dinner; I have clothes here to iron, the baby is crying and needs to be changed. I don't have time to wipe my arse". He said "That's what I want to talk to you about..."

The Monk
02-23-2016, 12:09 PM
My Mrs has recently started eating sofas...

It's weird... but then again she's always had a suite tooth.

The Monk
02-23-2016, 12:14 PM
My wife is so ugly she spent 5 hours in the beauty salon...

Just getting a price.

The Monk
02-24-2016, 09:49 AM
I'm very good at remembering random facts.

For example, there are 3,500 different types of lice.

And that's just off the top of my head.

The Monk
02-26-2016, 10:17 AM
Two hunters hire a small plane to take them to a remote area of Canada. Upon dropping off the hunters, the pilot tells them "Remember only one moose, because the plane wouldn't be able to take off with more weight than that".

The hunters go off. A week later when the plane returns to pick them up the two hunters are standing by the lake with two moose.

The pilot fumes "I told you guys only one moose, you'll have to leave one because we won't be able to take off with that much weight". "Oh, c'mon" beg the two hunters "Last year the pilot let us take two moose on, you're just a chicken!"

Not wanting to be accused of being a coward, the pilot allows the two to bring both moose on the craft. The plane starts across the lake, straining to take off. The pilot tries and tries to no avail as they run out of room and the plane crashes into the trees at the end of the lake.

A while later after coming to one of the hunters gets up and looks at all the scattered debris of the wreck and says "Where are we?" To which the other hunter replies "Oh, I'd say about a hundred yards farther than last year".

The Monk
02-26-2016, 10:48 AM
My uncle was jailed for his beliefs.

He believed you could wank on the bus.

The Monk
02-26-2016, 10:48 AM
My grandfather gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.

He said "It's worth spending money on a good set of speakers"

The Monk
02-26-2016, 10:48 AM
What's worse than a cardboard box?

Paper tits.

The Monk
02-26-2016, 10:49 AM
I was recently on safari in the Serengeti and witnessed two male male lions shagging.

I thought "blimey, have they got no pride?"

The Monk
02-26-2016, 10:49 AM
I always call out my wife's name during sex.

Just to make sure she's not around.

The Monk
02-26-2016, 10:50 AM
The Mrs got in the shower with me this morning.

She said "Mmm baby I want you to do bad things to me"

So I put shampoo in her eyes.

The Monk
02-26-2016, 10:50 AM
I told my cat I was going to teach him to speak English.

He looked at me and said "Me how?"

The Monk
03-05-2016, 05:14 AM
Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his long-time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was welding some stuff for fun. His new wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally spoke, "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling all your welders along with your gun collection and that stupid vintage Harley-Davidson. Tom got a horrified look on his face. She said, "Darling, what's wrong?" He replied, "There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife." "Ex-wife!" she screamed, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!" Tom replied: "I wasn't."

The Monk
03-05-2016, 05:15 AM
I got a new dog today..... I've named him 'Rolex'.....

He's a watch dog.. :mrgreen:

The Monk
03-05-2016, 05:16 AM
A man was walking to a bar and on his way he found a girl tied up to the railroad tracks. He untied her and they had sex.

Guy gets to the bar, friends ask why he's so late, tells them about the girl he found and all the different positions they fucked in. Friends give him props and ask if he got head man replies "I couldn't find it".

The Monk
03-07-2016, 08:39 AM
It took a lot of balls for me to go on the channel 4 show "Embarrassing Bodies"

Three, actually.

Sadaka
03-08-2016, 07:20 PM
Now going for a Australian kiss

The same as a French kiss but down under.

redred
03-08-2016, 08:06 PM
How's SA dude long time no post, what season are you in hot with no rain or hot with rain :lol:

Sadaka
03-08-2016, 09:07 PM
Hot as hell. The corrugate sheet was stolen between us an hell. Dry as hell, no jokes. One of the strongest flowing rivers in Sa not flowing for the last 11 months, the crocodile river. That is the one that passes us in +- 20 km. The hottest day I recorded was 52 c in december

redred
03-08-2016, 09:09 PM
Move to the UK you'll enjoy endless weeks of dampness :lol:

The Monk
03-10-2016, 09:44 AM
I sympathise..... working in the Aussie outback (Leonora).... but looking forward to being in UK in 2 weeks!!...YAY!!!

redred
03-10-2016, 10:23 AM
It shouldn't be too bad over here for you by then spring is starting to show itself

The Monk
03-11-2016, 10:14 AM
It shouldn't be too bad over here for you by then spring is starting to show itself

That's good to know because all the stories have been about it still freezing there.... :lol:

I'll be there for 8 weeks and go as far north as Kirkwall in Orkney.... should still be cool there I suppose.

The Monk
03-11-2016, 11:05 AM
Been to the optometrist today - he told me I was colour blind. Now I'm worried now that some of my mates could be black.

redred
03-11-2016, 11:20 AM
That's good to know because all the stories have been about it still freezing there.... :lol:

I'll be there for 8 weeks and go as far north as Kirkwall in Orkney.... should still be cool there I suppose.

in bristol (south england ) it's about 8c today and i was out in a light coat by the end of next week it should be 10-14c from then till late april :lol: summers in the air

redred
03-11-2016, 12:09 PM
Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.
"Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"
"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.
"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."
"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"
"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show".
"Sensible" says Jeff.
"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw."
"And what happened then?"
"I kicked her in the face."

redred
03-12-2016, 10:21 AM
https://scontent-iad3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xfp1/v/t1.0-9/12805773_970569303011492_4057766771771404977_n.jpg ?oh=211206e978a440b8d1973bb9dab92971&oe=574F66B6