FML, MLIA, TFLN

Fuck my life, My life is average, and Texts from Last Night

Right here baby :lol: Post your favorites and best of

If you're not familiar, they're hilarious sites. Links to all 3 as follows

http://www.fmylife.com/
http://mylifeisaverage.com/
http://www.textsfromlastnight.com/

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TFLN
(541):
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.

(615):
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.

(917):
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?

Today, my husband dropped me off at work. Ten minutes later I got a text saying "I just dropped the b*tch off I'll be there in a few baby, miss you". I asked him about it he said "I don't know what you're talking about Megan". My name isn't Megan. Not even close. FML

Today, my husband dropped me off at work. Ten minutes later I got a text saying "I just dropped the b*tch off I'll be there in a few baby, miss you". I asked him about it he said "I don't know what you're talking about Megan". My name isn't Megan. Not even close. FML



(515):
What did I eat last night that was bloody?

(416):
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.

(316):
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day

(603):
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.

(239):
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.

Today, I was at the park when I saw a homeless man sleeping on a bench. I thought it would be funny to throw a small rock at him. He thought it would be funny to pull out his knife and chase me for six blocks. FML

Today, while at the Golden Gate Bridge, I spotted a large group of Asians trying to take a picture. Trying to be a diplomat, I slowly say "You... want me... take picture?" while using hand motions. The man looks at me and says "No thanks asshole, I got it," in plain English. FML

Today, I told my parents that I wanted a little brother. My dad apparently thought it would be funny to tell me that my mom just swallowed my little brother. FML

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Godfather

Today, I told my parents that I wanted a little brother. My dad apparently thought it would be funny to tell me that my mom just swallowed my little brother. FML

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Oh, Yuck! :lol:

:rofl:

(484):

seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally




Lance? :-k

:lol:

(206):

Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?

(787):

Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt

Awesome :lol:

(832):

He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.

(267):

I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.

(949):

he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"

(715):

I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.

Hahahaha

(+91):

I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.

(615):

Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it

:lol: :lol: Great finds Goof!!

OHh man this one made cringe BIG time

(314):
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.

(404):
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

(1-404):
Two?

(404):
Two.

(325):
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Godfather

Today, I told my parents that I wanted a little brother. My dad apparently thought it would be funny to tell me that my mom just swallowed my little brother. FML

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that is awesome! :lol:

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Godfather

(325):
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"

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:shock:

(603):
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.

(god I hope it works this way :lol: )
(313):
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Godfather

(404):
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

(1-404):
Two?

(404):
Two.

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Didn't leave an address for her did he? :mrgreen:

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to stick her finger up my ass during sex. I screamed like a little girl and barely managed to finish. Afterward, she said, 'Now you know how it feels.' FML

Today, while pensively thinking up my next awesome Facebook status over dinner, I finally came to the conclusion that I need to get a life. FML

(909):

I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...

(803):

Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?

After school, I usually walk home because my house isn't that far away. I started to turn into my neighborhood when I saw my elderly neighbor on roller skates with a red cape screaming for Batman. When my dad jumped from out of the bushes yelling, "I'm here Robin!" I'm so very confused about what my dad does to pass time when I am at school.

(734):

just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"

I particularly liked the wisdom of this one:

(313):

sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm

(414):

I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us

(734):

I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u

Today, while getting it on with my boyfriend, I decided to be spontaneous and do something sexy. I started taking his underwear off with my teeth. My teeth dragged over his shaft, and my braces cut up his foreskin in the process. Now he's not talking to me. FML

(737):

You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
(1-737):

That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
(737):

It's my parent's restaurant

(313):

So good. The butter burgers slip right outta my ass.

(702):

I love you!
(323):

You're insane
(702):

Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
(702):

Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha