CLEVER AND INSIGHTFUL QUOTES ABOUT SEX

"So I'm licking jelly off my boyfriend and all of a sudden, I'm thinking, 'Oh my God, I'm turning into my mother.'"
--Sarah Silverman

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes SL500".
--Lynn Lavner

"I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people".
--Chelsea Handler

"You could put a blond wig on a hot-water heater and some dude would try to fuck it".
--Tina Fey

"If God's got anything better than sex to offer, he's certainly keeping it to himself".
--Sting

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married".
--George Burns

"We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation".
--Lily Tomlin

"My boyfriend and I live together, which means we don't have sex—ever. Now that the milk is free, we've both become lactose intolerant".
--Margaret Cho

"My wife is a sex object - every time I ask for sex, she objects".
--Les Dawson

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship".
--Sharon Stone

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time".
--Robin Williams

"I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No'".
--Woody Allen

"Erotica is using a feather; pornography is using the whole chicken".
--Isabel Allende

"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life".
--Emo Philips

"If you wear a short enough skirt, the party will come to you".
--Dorothy Parker

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps".
--Tiger Woods

"Usually I'm on top to keep the guy from escaping".
--Lisa Lampanelli

"It's work having a vagina. Guys don't think that it's work but it is. You think it shows up like that to the event? It doesn't. Every night it's like getting it ready for its first Quinceanera, believe me".
--Amy Schumer

"The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she's shopping".
--Joan Rivers

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch".
--Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is".
--Barbara Bush

"Studies show that about half of Americans have sex at work. Coincidentally, that's the same half that say they are happy with their jobs".
--Melanie White

"You know that look women get when they want to have sex? Me neither".
--Steve Martin

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet".
--Robin Williams

"Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add".
--Fran Liebowitz

"I have a rule, and that is to never look at somebody's face while we're having sex; because, number one, what if I know the guy?"
--Laura Kightlinger

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful".
--Robert De Niro

"Sex is like math: you add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs, and hope you don't multiply".
--Phil Proctor

"The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less".
--Brendan Behan

"Our cat sleeps between us. We call her the Tiny Chaperone".
--Emily Claire Tamblyn

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
--Dustin Hoffman

"I asked my wife 'On a scale from one to ten, how do you rate me as a lover?' She said 'You know I'm no good at fractions'".
--Rodney Dangerfield

"I told my girlfriend that unless she expressed her feelings and told me what she liked, I wouldn't be able to please her. So she said 'Get off me'".
--Garry Shandling

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!'"
--Jerry Seinfeld

"In my sex fantasy, nobody ever loves me for my mind".
--Nora Ephron

"My wife likes to talk to me during sex. In fact, the other day she called me from a motel".
--Scotty Record

"My sex life is very bad. If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all".
--Henny Youngman

"In Germany police are searching for a woman who holds men at gunpoint and forces them to have sex with her. Actually, the gun isn't for the sex, it's to keep the guy around later to make him cuddle".
--Jay Leno

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope".
--George Burns

"Wilt Chamberlain had sex with 10,000 women, but how many of them did he truly love? I would say 3,000 at most".
--Sean O'Connor

"I worry about kids today. Because of the sexual revolution they're going to grow up and never know what 'dirty' means".
--Lily Tomlin

"Good girls go to heaven, bad girls go everywhere".
--Mae West

"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy".
--Steve Martin

"As I get older, I just prefer to knit".
--Tracey Ullman

"Before casual sex, it's best not to mention to your partner that you might want to do a little tweeting afterward".
--Greg Tamblyn

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex, no matter what she's reading".
--Emo Philips

"Women fake orgasms and men fake finances".
--Suze Orman

"It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom".
--Joan Rivers

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same".
--Oscar Wilde

"The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty".
--Woody Allen

"Good sex is like good bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand".
--Mae West