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A man from Liverpool, holidaying in the Netherlands decides to try out one of the local brothels that he's heard so much about.
Looking for a cheap thrill he walks in and takes out the equivalent of 10 pounds and approaches the mistress and says "I've only got this much. What can I get?" The mistress pauses, looks him up and down once and gestures him to follow her. She takes him down a long, narrow hall, unlocks a door and holds the door open for the man. He looks inside to see a pig tied down in the middle of the room.
The man immediately thinks to himself "Great I get to fuck a pig". She closes the door and the man begins to pleasure himself with the pig. Turns out it was actually pretty awesome.
A week later he decides to return to the same brothel but this time holds out 5 pounds and asks "I've only got this much what can I get?" Once again the mistress takes him down the same narrow hall but to a different room where a room full of people are watching a couple have sex through a one-way-glass-window.
The man, excitedly sits down on an empty seat and turns to a bloke beside him and says "What a great country. For only 5 quid you can watch a couple have sex". To which the bloke replied "That's nothing. Last week we saw a guy fuck a pig!"
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What does a baby look like after a minute in the microwave? I don’t know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.
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My most cherished possession is an EpiPen.
It was given to me by my dying friend, he made it very clear he wanted me to have it.
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"Today I watched a poor old lady fall down crossing the street. At least I assume she was poor. She only had $1.23 in her purse".
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What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
Erotic is when you use a feather.
Kinky is when you use the whole chicken.
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I'm going to start a glass coffin company. Will my idea take off? Remains to be seen.
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I've never watched a clown apply makeup but I imagine the process is similar to that of a Kardashian.
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On my birthday, I get a blowjob.
On our anniversary, I get a blowjob.
On valentine's day, I get a blowjob.
At xmas, I get a blowjob.
So at every major celebratory occasion, I get a blowjob.
I flop my cock out at the mother-in-law's funeral and all of a sudden I'm insensitive.
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A senior policeman in China has been suspended from his job after being caught masturbating and smoking joints in his office.
No name was given but he was a high wanking officer.
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I saw a hearse today with a wreath inside that said "DAD"......
I think they left the "E" out...
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UK Headline:
Black man nearly drowns in local river.
US Headline:
Black man caught stealing water. Shot 4 times.
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Whilst in America, my son and I went shopping in Wal-mart. I asked the cashier if they had any Kinder eggs.
"Oh no, sir, we don't sell them in the States - they are a health hazard!"
"Okay," I replied. "I'll just take these two assault rifles then."
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As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.
I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.
"I really need a new fucking boat," I thought to myself.
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I met this girl the other day and she took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly.
I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open.
"Oh shit, it's my boyfriend!" she exclaimed "Quick, use the backdoor".
Now it's at about this time I probably should have left...but you just don't get an offer like that every day.
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I met this girl the other day and she took me back to her house where things got hot and heavy very quickly.
I bent her over the kitchen table and started going at it when suddenly we heard the front door open.
"Oh shit, it's my boyfriend!" she exclaimed "Quick, use the backdoor".
Now it's at about this time I probably should have left...but you just don't get an offer like that every day.
