A Guide To Making Your Next Motorcycle Wreck More Instagrammable
Jason Torchinsky - Jalopnik
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I think it’s safe to say that we’ve all been in wrecks in our cars, or motorcycles, and they’re scary and terrible even in situations where no one is seriously hurt. In the case of these no-serious-injury crashes, one of the biggest issues is that, for most of us, we just have no idea how to turn a wreck into quality Instagram content. This is a huge problem, globally, but thankfully there’s one dedicated Instagram influencer who has given the world the gift of demonstrating how to turn a minor wreck into some primo ‘Grammable content, no motorcycle jackets required.
In case, somehow, you’re not aware who Tiffany Mitchell (@tifforelie) is, I’ll try to explain. She’s a Nashville-based “influencer” who lives in a sepia-toned world of elaborate camping trips, lots of pillows and rugs and carefully-draped throws, and meals served on rough-hewn tables with attractive friends and lots and lots of earthtones.
She’s also remarkably skilled at having bottles of liquids handed to her with their labels clearly visible:
Note the lovely old BMW flat-twin motorcycle in the picture there, under those bottles of delicious, refreshing Bai SuperTea, the only bottled tea so crammed full of superfruit antioxidants you’ll shit out literally all your toxins within minutes of your first chug. Man, that @drinkbai tea sure is something.
Anyway, Tiffany soon finished pounding her antioxidant-rich Bai tea and set off to ride her motorcycle, pausing first, of course, to throw back her head and laugh, as one does, appreciating the aching beauty of the sepia-toned world and the raw joy of wearing your bib overalls half-undone.
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Incredibly, a photographer was on hand to capture this spontaneous moment of joy. Now, these posts have all been archived because, I guess, there’s some things just too good for the world, but thankfully, the’ve all been screenshotted.
About an hour after Tiff’s lighthearted moment of laughter, mild tragedy struck, in an incident that’s now gone kind of viral:
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As Tiff tells us in the caption:
“...on a secluded two lane stretch, I misjudged a curve, took it too fast and my bike went off the road. It slid through the grass and I hit the pavement. I had my helmet on so my head was fine, but I scraped up my left side. I was in absolute shock laying on the side of the road.”
Thankfully, she wasn’t seriously hurt, and even more thankfully, her friend Lindsey was there to shoot these very carefully composed photos of this terrifyingly mild accident.
If you think this is fake, you aren’t alone. As a result Tiffany had to issue a denial to BuzzFeed News, saying:
“I’m sad that some people are taking it that way,” she added, before requesting BuzzFeed News not proceed with writing this story as it would “draw negative attention.”
Given the prominent placement of the Smart Water bottle and the fact that photos were taken and then ‘grammed as if this was just another curated trip through Desert X, I myself am skeptical too.
But what we can do is turn Tiff’s tragedy into a learning experience, just like she’d want us to, so our next wreck on Instagram can look as good as this one.
Wear All The Gear, All The Time, Unless You Look Better Without It
Look, I know real motorcyclists will insist you shouldn’t be riding a motorcycle in a tank top and jauntily loose overalls, but do they have 200,000 followers? Probably not.
I know All The Gear All The Time (ATGATT) is important if safety is your main concern, but a ‘grammable wreck would never hide a beautiful shot of a collarbone like the one up there.
Oh, and even if EMTs say never to remove the helmet of a crashed biker, don’t listen to them—what’s the point of having a motorcycle wreck if nobody can see your face?
Which leads me to the next tip:
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Keep your beverage labels clean and easily legible!
I can’t stress this one enough. After your wreck, you’re going to be thirsty. Make certain that while you’re writhing on the pavement, your beverages of choice are placed carefully next to you, bottles free from blood or grime, with labels out, facing the camera and clearly visible.
I know they say you’re not supposed to move an injured person, but by all means, move them if it means a better location for your chosen beverages in your Instagram pics. I can’t stress the importance of this enough.
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A horrible wreck is no excuse to not look your best.
Yes, a wreck is terrifying, and you may be in a lot of pain. But is that pain worse than the pain of knowing your Instagram picture will show you looking anything but your best?
Writhe in an elegant manner; maybe consult the paintings of Egon Schiele to find that right mix of reminding people you’ve been through physical trauma, but with just a hint of languid eroticism.
Don’t grimace in pain; close your eyes and comport your features into a look of thoughtful endurance.
Okay, everyone got all that? I hope so. Having a wreck you can properly Instagram is more important than ever, but it’s hard work. I encourage everyone to go out there and wreck their best wrecks, #wrecklife #blessed.
And don’t forget the Smart Water.
