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I walked into the pub toilet earlier, spotted a bloke at the urinals, and made my way to the cubicle.
Bloke laughed and said, "Embarrassed about your penis, hey, lad?"
A bit embarrassed, I said; "Of course not!" And made my way over to the urinal next to him.
What a hypocrite, he sure seemed embarrassed watching me take a shit.
Just got back to Britain from Libya, what a fucking nightmare!
The constant threat of violence from gun toting arabs; a leader who's completely lost touch with his people; every white person in sight looking completely terrified and trying their best to hold on to their belongings and their lives, stuck in what is essentially a muslim country with no where to turn!
I wish i'd stayed in fucking Libya.
My wife has asked me to get her some gloves to wear at her mother's funeral.
Does anyone know where I can buy those giant foam fingers?
I met two girls down the pub last night who had strong Cardiff accents.
I said, "I know that accent. You two ladies are from Scotland, aren't you?"
"Wales, you fucking idiot," one of them replied.
"Sorry," I said, "You two whales are from Scotland, aren't you?"
Women fucking drivers! I was behind one on my way home from work and she indicated to turn left and what does she go and do? She actually turns left!
How am I supposed to prepare myself with these fucking mind games?
I was at my divorce settlement yesterday, when I announced I would like to make a suggestion.
They agreed, so, I told them, "She can have the car, the house, all the funds in our joint account and full custody of our children on one condition... I get to keep whatever I have in my pocket."
"It's a fucking deal," my wife said, with a smug look on her face.
"You obviously didn't check the lottery numbers last night, did you?"
Fucking police. The woman over the road stands naked in her window watching me having a wank and I'm the pervert?
If you watch 127 hours backwards it's an uplifting story about a disabled man finding an arm in the desert.
My wife came back from the garage today having paid £750 to have two tyres changed.
"Bloody hell," I said, "He must've seen you coming!"
She said, "Bollocks, did I get ripped off?"
"Oh, no," I replied, "you're just a fat bitch."
Women are so bloody hypocritical, always complaining that men can't get their bra's off during foreplay..
..Well you can stop being so judgemental ladies. I've been "on the scene" for a while now, and not one of you has been able to pull my balaclava off
I recently convinced my girlfriend to convert to Catholicism with me. I feel very strongly about the positive influence the church has on millions of people around the world.
Also, it was the only way to get her to stop using condoms and try anal instead.
If you haven't read the bible, don't bother. It's shit.
The main character dies.
My wife was quite pissed off because I sent a video of our 4 year old son falling over into You've been Framed.
What an idiot! I was planning on putting the £250 prize money towards his funeral costs.
My wife tried on her new swimming costume today.
I said, "You look like that comedian in that."
She said, "You'd better not mean Jo Brand, you cheeky sod."
I said, "No, Bernard Manning you fat cunt."
Those Libyans seem to really be pissed off.
Maybe Doc should give them their Plutonium back.