I've written a book about sexism. It even has pictures, so women can enjoy it too.
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I've written a book about sexism. It even has pictures, so women can enjoy it too.
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse" he mumbles, from behind the mask "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body".
He struggles to ask again "Nurse, are my TEST...ICLES... black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.
Then, she takes a close look and says "No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, sir!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thank you very much.
That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely...
"A r e - m y - T E S T - R E S U L T S - b a c k?"
Little Dennis came home from his school one day slightly confused. His Mother was Jewish and his father was an Aboriginal. So Dennis asks "Mommy, am I more Jewish or more Aboriginal?" "What does it really matter? If you want to know for sure you'll just have to ask your father" his mother tells him.
So, when his father arrived home, Little Dennis asks the same question "Daddy, am I more Jewish or more Aboriginal?" "What the hell kind of a question is that? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more Aboriginal?" asks his dad.
"Well, it's like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, and I don't know whether to Jew him down to $25, or wait until it's dark and steal the fucking thing".
:rofl:
:lol:
A young Indian brave comes into the teepee and sits beside his father with a puzzled look on his face.
Father - Son, what's wrong?
Son - I was wondering how we get our names.
Father - The moment an Indian is born, the parents go outside and name the baby after the first thing they see. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?
Nothing embarrasses a psychic more than throwing them a surprise party.
"I'm running for President" announces Hillary Clinton. In other news, researchers discover that bears shit in the woods and the Pope reveals he's a Roman Catholic.
My wife's doctor told us today that she is very prone to having a stroke, and if it happens she could be dead in the time it takes to boil a kettle.
Why the fuck would I want to boil the kettle at a time like that?
I would be searching for the cork screw.
I quit my job with the Tourette's Society today.
I think I'd been working far too long with those cunts.
BBC News: Dogs Trained to Detect Prostate Cancer.
I just hope they trim their claws before they stick their paw up my arse.
Welcome to the BBC.
You are welcome to rape all the children you like but don't ever punch a producer.
150 people died on a Germanwings flight because some selfish little cunt wouldn't open a door.
If only Oscar Pistorius had been on board.
Woke up this morning a bit late, about 8ish. Called down to the wife and got no answer. Got up and went into the kitchen and there she was, face down on the floor. Dead! At that moment I completely lost it, my whole world fell apart; tears were welling in my eyes... then a moment of pure inspiration... McDonald's do breakfast until 10:30!
A group of men working on a building site were whistling and making rude gestures to a pretty young school girl, who couldn't have been older than about 13. One guy, smirking, yells "Hey sweetie, come and sit on my face!" The girl, smiling sweetly, yelled back "Why? Is your fucking nose bigger than your cock!"
A man enters a pharmacy and asks for birth control pills for his wife and his seven year-old daughter. The pharmacist is a little shocked and says "Your seven year-old daughter is sexually active!" "No" replies the man. "She just sort of lays there".
The orphanage I run burned down today with the lives of sixty children lost.
Thank fuck I don't have to tell their parents.
A husband and wife were sharing a bottle of wine when the wife said "I bet you can't tell me something which will make me happy and sad at the same time". The husband thought for a few moments, then said "Your pussy is tighter than your sister's".
A Virginia man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive. It was, and she said to her husband "It's nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?" He says "Okay get in the car with it". "Where shall I put it to get it warm?" He says "Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there". "But what about the smell?" "Just hold its little nose". The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.
An Engineer was unemployed for long time. He could not find a job. But he knew doctors always made money, so, he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: "Get your treatment for $500 - if not treated get back $1,000."
A Doctor thinks this is a good chance to scam $1,000 from the fraudster and goes into the clinic.
Doctor: "I have lost taste in my mouth."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "This is petrol!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "But that is petrol!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
The Doctor leaves angrily, and comes back after several more days. Doctor: "My eyesight has become very weak."
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this.
Here, take this $1,000."
Doctor: "But this is only $500..."
Engineer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
On the internet, you can be anything you want, its strange that there are so many people who choose to be stupid.
What do you call a black guy selling drugs? A pharmacist you racist fuck.
A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in. After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30pm the second guy says "Oh well, I better get home. My wife doesn't like me to stay out late at night". The first guy replies "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning".
The guy agrees to try that and continues drinking with him for two more hours before heading home to give it a try.
When he got home, the house was pitch black. He sneaks upstairs into the bedroom, pulled back the covers and proceeded to lick for 20 minutes. The bed was like a swamp so he decided to wash his face. As he walked into the bathroom, his wife was sitting on the toilet.
Seeing her he screamed "What the hell are you doing in here?!" "Quiet!" she exclaimed. "You'll wake my mother!"
Two gay men, Paul and Tom, were making love one night, and had just finished when Paul decided he was going to freshen up in the shower. Tom was laying there thinking about how wonderful Paul was, when he decided he was going to join him in the shower. When Tom got into the bathroom, he opened up the shower curtain and the first thing he saw was a large cumshot on the wall. He wailed to Tom "I can't believe you! We just finish making love and you come in here and jack-off!" Paul looks at the wall and says "What are you talking about? I wasn't jacking-off, I farted!"
A farmer passed away and left 17 mules to his three sons. The instructions left in the will said that the oldest boy was to get one-half, the second oldest one-third, and the youngest one-ninth. The three sons, recognising the difficulty of dividing 17 mules into these fractions, began to argue. Their uncle heard about the argument, hitched up his mule and drove out to settle the matter. He added his mule to the 17, making 18. The oldest therefore got one-half, or nine, the second oldest got one-third, or six, and the youngest son got one-ninth, or two. Adding up 9, 6 and 2 equals 17. The uncle, having settled the argument, hitched up his mule and drove home.
So I'm behind this prick who can't fucking drive. Weaving all over the place and hasn't got a fucking clue. I'm roaring "You fucking Paki bastard, learn to drive!! And while you're at it, why don't you fuck off back to your own country, you smelly prick! You know what the cheeky bastard did? He stopped and said "Get out of my taxi!"
Me and my girlfriend were banging away and screwing for over an hour last night. Damn you IKEA! 20 minutes assembly time my arse!
A girl came up to me in a bar. Short skirt, tits like ripe fruit, hair in a ponytail. "What would you say if I told you I was wearing no underwear?" she breathed. "I'd say 'neither am I". She raised her eyebrows "Really? I'm wearing none because it gives men like you..." she licked her lips "easy access..." "Oh?" I replied "I've got none on because I shat myself in the gents".
What do you call a Muslim with both a camel and a goat? Bisexual.
The wife and I were watching porn last night and she said: "This is soooo unrealistic" I said "Just because you are not willing to try new things doesn't mean that everyone is that frigid". "No, No, it's not that" she said "It's just that the plumbers that come to our house don't have dicks THAT big!"
What's the difference between a black and a white fairy-tale? White begins "Once upon a time" black begins "Y'all motherfuckers aint gonna believe dis shit!"
Mick opens Paddy's fridge and says "Why have you got an empty milk bottle in here?" Paddy replies "In case someone wants black coffee, you thick twat!"
A white woman and a black man are dancing at a club, and after a while things start to get hot and heavy. After some heavy kissing and petting, the woman makes the suggestion that they return to her apartment for the night.
When the couple arrives at the woman's apartment, they begin passionately kissing and undressing each other, preparing to have frenzied and unrepentant sex with each other.
However, the white woman, curious as she was, asked the black guy as he was taking off his pants "before you take them off... is it true what they say about black guys?" With a suave yet sinister look, he looked into her eyes and said "Baby, of course".
He then proceeded to stab her and ran out with her purse.
A man had just boarded and settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his Black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a sniffer dog.
"His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work".
The plane took off, and once it has levelled out, the Policeman said "Watch this". He told Sniffer to "Search".
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman's arm.
The Policeman said "Good boy" and he turned to the man and said "That woman is in possession of marijuana, I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land. "Gee, that's pretty good" replied the first man.
Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The Policeman said "Two paws mean that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police". "I like it!" said his seat mate.
The Policeman then told Sniffer to "Search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to crap all over the place.
The first man was really disgusted by this behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that. He asked the Policeman "What's going on?" The Policeman nervously replied "He's just found a bomb".
My neighbour was working in his yard when he was startled by a late model car that came crashing through his hedge and ended up in his front lawn.
He rushed to help an elderly lady driver out of the car and sat her down on a lawn chair.
He said with excitement "You appear quite elderly to be driving". "Well, yes, I am" she replied proudly. "I'll be 97 next month, and I am now old enough that I don't even need a driver's license anymore".
"You don't need a driver's license anymore?!?" "That's right! The last time I went to my doctor, he examined me and asked if I had a driver's license. I told him 'yes' and handed it to him. He took scissors out of the drawer, cut the license into pieces, and threw them in the waste basket, saying, 'You won't need this anymore' so I thanked him and left!"
A duck walks into a post office and asks the man behind the counter: "Do you have any corn?" The man answers politely: "No, we don't have any corn here". The next day, the duck enters again and asks: "Do you have any corn?" Annoyed, the man answers: "No! We don't have any corn". This goes on for a couple of days until finally, when the duck asks "Do you have any corn?" the man gets so upset he yells: "NO! For the last time we don't have any corn, and if you ask again I"ll nail your beak to the counter!" The next day, the duck returns and asks: "Do you have any nails?" The man answers: "No". Then the duck asks: "Do you have any corn?"
What do you call a white guy surrounded by five black guys? Coach. What do you call a white guy surrounded by eleven black guys? Football coach. What do you call a white guy surrounded by hundreds of black guys? Warden.