What did the mermaid do last Sunday night?
She went to sea a movie.
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What did the mermaid do last Sunday night?
She went to sea a movie.
What do termites eat for breakfast?
Oakmeal.
A man was waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!
But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso popped out!
The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms popped out!
The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair.
By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it.
Swoooop! Two legs popped out.
The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over.
The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."
There once was a king who lived in two-story grass hut. Every holiday the king demanded to be given a new throne as a gift. As soon as a new throne arrived, he would store the old throne on the second level of his hut and use the new one instead. But one day the hut collapsed from the weight of all the thrones, and everyone was crushed and killed.
The moral of this story? Those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
Two muffins are in the oven. One looks over and says, "Gee, don't you think it's hot in here?" and the other muffin says, "AAAAHHH!!!! A talking muffin!!!"
What's Mary short for?
She's got no legs.
A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents."
Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?
If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
What did the dolphin say to the whale when he bumped into him?
I didn't do it on porpoise.
Why won't a bike stand up by itself?
It's two tired.
:facepalm:
A hungry African lion came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew the doctor's habit and would always have a drink waiting. But one day the bartender ran out of hazelnut extract, so he substituted hickory nuts. When the doctor arrived, he took a sip and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"
"No, I'm sorry," the bartender replied. "It's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
Did you hear the watermelon joke?
It's pitful.
Why did the New Yorker sleep under an oil tank?
He wanted to wake up oily.
Marge, Tina, and Cindy had made plans to attend the premiere of Madonna's film Evita. All three looked forward to the event, but at the last minute an unforeseen emergency at work prevented Cindy from going with them. Feeling bad for Cindy's sake, the other two sniffled and wept. But Cindy consoled them: "Don't cry for me, Marge and Tina."
Why did the boy take a ruler to bed with him?
To see how long he slept.
How can you use a lighthouse, rose trellis, windstorm, dune, and Halloween costume to create something tasty?
Make a beacon, lattice, and tornado sand witch.
What's the difference between a mosquito and a fly?
A mosquito can fly, but a fly can't mosquito.
Why did the man put cheese on his computer?
He wanted to feed the mouse.
A Nun, a Priest, an Irishman, a Scotsman, a Rabbi and a Blonde walk into a Bar.
The Barman looks at them and asks "What is this, some kind of joke?"
I went on a tour of a post card factory the other day, it was ok, but nothing to write home about.
A kid gave his teacher a blank piece of paper.
Teacher: What is this?
Kid: It's a drawing of a cow eating grass.
Teacher: (looked at the paper) Where's the grass?
Kid: The cow ate all of it.
...Teacher: (looked at the paper again)Then, where's the cow?
Kid: It left because there was no more grass.
A man walked into a bar and sat down, ordered a beer. As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say, "Nice tie!" Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender. A few sips later the voice said, "Beautiful shirt." At this, the man called the bartender over. "Hey, I must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here but us."
"It's the peanuts," answered the bartender. "They're complimentary."
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. Soon the manager came out and asked them to disperse. "But why," one asked.
"Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
What kind of house is easiest to pick up?
A light house.
A frog named Kermit Jagger goes to a bank to get a loan. He talks to a teller named Patty Mack. Patty asks the frog what he has for collateral. The frog pulls out a small figurine, but Patty says, "I'm sorry, that's just a cheap knick knack." The bank manager had been walking by at the time and overheard the conversation. Looking over, he said, "This figurine is three hundred years old -- it's priceless. That's no knick knack, Patty Mack, give that frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
What do you call a chicken that crosses the road, rolls in the mud, and crosses back over?
A dirty double crosser.
On most of these I couldn't decide if I wanted to cringe or laugh! :lol: So bad, so good!
What do you feed an invisible cat?
Evaporated milk.
In a particular small country, there was a king. He was much beloved of the people, and so they built for him a castle. But they were poor people and could only afford to build it out of grass. So they worked for weeks, and finally completed a lovely woven grass castle for him. And the king was pleased.
Another country, significantly richer than the first, presented a peace offering of an ornate throne. The king accepted this gift graciously and was most pleased. The only trouble was, the throne was very uncomfortable. So the king got himself a more comfortable chair and kept the massive throne in the attic. Naturally, it fell through the floor and killed him.
The moral of this story: People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones
How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on him.
How do you catch a tame rabbit?
The tame way -- unique up on him.
A director decides that he's going to make a movie based on the lives of famous classical composers. Looking for a prospective cast, he asks Sylvester Stallone which composer he would like to play in the movie. Stallone thinks for a moment and says, "I like Mozart. Let me be Mozart."
The director then turns to Arnold Schwarzenegger and asks him who he'd like to play. Arnold replies, "I'll be Bach!"
:pirate:How much does it cost for a pirate to get his ears pierced?
A buck an ear.
no change is there....?...:mrgreen: