What has two legs and bleeds profusely?
Half a cat.
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What has two legs and bleeds profusely?
Half a cat.
What's red and orange and looks good on hippies?
Fire.
Q: How many babies does it take to paint a wall red?
A: One, but you have to throw it really hard.
Q: Why did the baby cross the road?
A: It was stapled to the chicken.
Q: Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.
Q: Why did the baby fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was stapled to the koala.
Q: Why did the tree fall over?
A: The koala never let go.
Q: Why did the kangaroo die?
A: Because the koala landed on it.
How do you get a goth out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
Q: What did the deaf dumb blind kid get for christmas
A: A pinball machine
Q: Whats black and blue and scared of me
A: The 8 year old in my closet
Q: What's the difference between an abo bloke and a park bench?
A: A park bench can support a family.
I met a girl last week who said she wanted to be treated like a princess, so I put her in the back of a mercedes and drove it into a tunnel wall.
Q: What do you do if you see a paki run at you with half a head?
A: Stop laughing and reload.
Today's Ebonics Word of the Day from the Public School System:
Omelette
Let's use it in a sentence:
"I should pop a cap in yo ass fo' what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide."
What's the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of babies?
You can't empty the truck of bowling balls with a pitchfork
I saw a woman in the supermarket, struggling to control her kids. She looked really stressed. Then she accidently knocked over and smashed a bottle of milk.
She dropped to her knees and burst into tears, surrounded by spilled milk. It reminded me of something my dad used to say to my mum, so I walked over to her and said;
"Get a fucking grip, you stupid bitch."
"This is the last time I'm going to tell you," I said to my daughter. "You can't have a mobile phone until you're fourteen."
"That's so unfair!" She screamed. "What am I supposed to use if I think I'm about to be raped?"
"Don't worry love, I've already thought about that," I replied, handing her a small parcel. "Here's your new camcorder."
Who named Trojan condoms?
The Trojan horse entered through the city gates, broke open and loads of little guys came out and fucked everyone's day up.
Doesn't fill me with confidence.
Just asked my barber for a Justin Bieber haircut.
Fucking twat just shaved my pubes off
My wife left me today, she said it was because nothing she can do or say excites me any more.
If she had hung around for a bit after speaking those words, she'd have seen how wrong she was.
I'm like an internet shepherd, only I herd porn. Hoard. Whatever.
Why the fuck did The Flintstones celebrate Christmas?
As I walked passed my ex, I gave her one of them horrible looks.
I threw sulphuric acid over her face.
Checking out DFS with the family today. My 10 year old daughter was throwing a tantrum as she usually does when out doing 'boring' shopping with me and the wife. she cheered up instantly when I let her bounce up and down on one of the double beds in the store.
"She's always been good in the bedroom department," my wife said.
I calmly excused myself and hurried off to the toilet for a furious wank.
Do Parkinson's sufferers stop shaking when they're cold?
I rang up my little niece last week to see how she was doing: "So, what you been upto with yourself? Keeping busy?" I asked.
"Just school and Brownies, Uncle Barry. You got much on?" She replied
"Well, now that you ask, I'm wearing a crotchless catsuit and nursing a stinking hard-on, which I wouldn't mind ramming up your box."
I was telling my wife earlier that I have an exciting new business idea, and we should get to work on it the next day.
"You know how ridiculous this sounds?! You're going to get up at 7am each morning and do a hard days work for the foreseeable future?" she quizzed.
"Of course" I replied.
She started to laugh in my face and quipped, "That will never work!".
"And why not?" I asked.
"You're black".
Had to have a blood transfusion the other day. All they had left was 2 pints of African blood, and 2 pints of Pakistani blood. It's not as bad as it sounds I now have a 12 inch cock, and I'm top of the housing list.
"I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Mr. Jones, but apparently your child was born with no arms, only one leg, and teeth that project six inches out of its mouth." Mr. Jones cries, "My God! What will we do with such a deformed baby?" The doctor says "Use it as a rake?"'
:lol: These are so awesome.... so wrong, and so awesome
You can buy it ??? :shock:
The other day my wife asked me to give her 12 inches and make her bleed. So I fucked her twice and smacked her in the face..........
......which reminds me.
What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.
What's blue and doesn't fit?
A dead epileptic
Why were there no n*****s on board the space shuttle?
They didn't know it was going to crash
What were the last words on board the space shuttle?
Alright then, let her drive.
This Paki dies and he finds his way up to heaven. St Peter's stood at the pearly gates, looks him up and down and says firmly, "What are you doin' here?". The Paki says, "I'm here for Jesus". St. Peter perks up, looks happier, then shouts, "JESUS, yer taxis here!"
What's white and transparent?
A Paki with the shit kicked out of him.
BTW Monk. 100% concentrated! :lol: