Air Travel 101

[Godfather]

So I checked my Air Canada status today and it looks like I flew over 50,000 miles last year.

That's a lot of time away from home, in airports and at hotels. It occurs to me that the main thing that bothers me about this isn't crying babies or slow baggage claim, but how inept most adults are at airports and on airplanes, and how it impacts me. People could really help others and themselves with a few really easy tricks.

• We all know at security you're going to need everything out of your pockets, belt off, hat off, jacket off, probably shoes off (depends on the airport). You'll also almost certainly have to take your laptop/tablet out and put it on a separate bin. So get your shit together in the 25 minute line. Put your wallet and all the other crap in your carry-on, pull out your laptop, have your liquids in a ziplock at the top of your bag and throw away your water bottle. Just the most basic forethought will get you and everyone else through security in seconds once you're at the front of the line, and prevent you from having your anal cavity searched.
  
• Overhead bin space is going to fill up. If you don't like that fact, get in line for your zone or check your bag. Standing there arguing with the gate agent expecting them to store your ratty luggage on the Pilot's lap isn't going to happen. And if you don't have a large bag for the overhead bin, fucking relax - you don't need to stand in line 47 minutes before boarding, you're turning the terminal into the Matterhorn line at Disneyland all standing there.
  
• Every flight I've been on, domestic or not, you need photo ID along with your boarding pass... why is your wallet suddenly at the bottom of your purse? Get it out before you're at the front of the line ma'am.
  
• You can't access your bag during takeoff/landing... we all know this. So why is it that you're sitting there begging for your headphones and waterbottle while we're trying to generate 900,000lbs of lift? Have your headphones, charging cables, snacks, books, and whatever shit helps you and me pass the time in peace, ready to put into the seatback in front of you the second you sit down in your seat. That way, 42 of you don't have to make your entire row stand up and let you out the second Captain turns off the seatbelt sign in flight to go rummage through the overhead bins, because you used your brain and anticipated what you needed before you put your bag away like a good boy.
  
• It's going to take 15 minutes after landing to exit this plane, sit the fuck down until you see people 2-3 rows in front of you actually moving. I don't want your stanky ass in my face after it's been farting in a 10 year old rubber seat cushion for the past 6 hours. At the same time, once it's our row's turn, you better be prepared like Tom Brady on Sunday to execute. Have you headphones packed, your jacket on and your gameface ready to move.
  

Is this so hard for people?

/rant