Well loved poster Deebakes found dead. RIP
Newsflash: Well loved poster 'Deebakes' was today found dead at his computer. His body was discovered by his next door neighbour, Michael 'Mikey' Michaelson.
Michael told reporters: "It was weird, so surreal...just this odd silence emanating from his apartment. For three years all we heard, all day, all night, was the steady 'whap whap whap' of aggressive masturbation. But today, nothing. The silence sent chills through my bones."
Michaelsen had difficulties opening the door to Deebakes apartment, as "...the door handle was slathered in vaseline and baby oil, and crisco was oozing from under the door. It smelled like my grandmother was getting fucked while baking a cake. And normally that comment would cause increased whapping from next door".
Mechalshon later added "Apparently rigor mortis had set in, because the paramedics had to break his hand off his penis in order to fit him under a sheet on the gurney. The whole scene reeked of death, and Astroglide."
Perhaps what most disturbed Miechleson was the large collection of photographs that adorned Deebakes walls...all of Mikeelson on the toilet. "I always wondered why he made more noise when I went to poop, and also, why he insisted on installing those cameras in my bathroom when he moved in next door".
A ceremonial fap and viewing session is planned, but no date has yet been given.
The coroner released the cause of death as "Gangrene brought about by open sores on penis, caused by excessive masturbation". He added: "But he did have the most impressively developed forearms I've even seen and palm calluses that could stop a bullet. Literally, we took his hand down to the ballistic lab, it stopped a .22 cold."
Police report having found at least four thousand bottles full of semen stacked throughout deebakes apartment, as well as hundreds of non affixed labels marked only 'secret sauce'.
Originally Posted by Loser
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