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  1. #1
    weapon of mass consumption redred's Avatar
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    Funny redred's bad jokes

    What did the mermaid do last Sunday night?
    She went to sea a movie.

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    weapon of mass consumption redred's Avatar
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    What do termites eat for breakfast?
    Oakmeal.

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    weapon of mass consumption redred's Avatar
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    A man was waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

    But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.

    Swoooop! A torso popped out!

    The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay.

    Swoooop! Two arms popped out!

    The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair.

    By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it.

    Swoooop! Two legs popped out.

    The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over.

    The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."

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    #DeSantis2024 Teh One Who Knocks's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by redred View Post
    A man was waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor came and informed the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms, or legs. The son was just a head!

    But the dad loved his son and raised him as well as he could. Eighteen years later, the son was old enough for his first drink. The dad took him to a bar, tearfully told him he was proud of him, and ordered the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously, the boy took his first sip of alcohol.

    Swoooop! A torso popped out!

    The bar was dead silent, then burst into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" The bartender shook his head in dismay.

    Swoooop! Two arms popped out!

    The bar went wild. The father, crying and wailing, begged his son to drink again. The patrons chanted, "Take another drink! Take another drink!" But the bartender ignored the whole affair.

    By this time, the boy was getting tipsy. With his new hands, he reached down, grabbed the drink, and guzzled the last of it.

    Swoooop! Two legs popped out.

    The bar was in chaos. The father wept with joy. The boy stood up on his new legs. He stumbled to the left. He stumbled to the right. Then he stumbled through the front door and into the street, where a truck ran him over.

    The bar fell silent. The father moaned with grief. The bartender merely sighed and said, "He should have quit while he was a head."

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    weapon of mass consumption redred's Avatar
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    A guy went to a psychiatrist. "Doc," he said, "I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, and then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

    The doctor replied, "It's very simple. You're two tents."

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    weapon of mass consumption redred's Avatar
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    Why does a chicken coop have only two doors?
    If it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.

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    weapon of mass consumption redred's Avatar
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    What did the dolphin say to the whale when he bumped into him?
    I didn't do it on porpoise.

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    weapon of mass consumption redred's Avatar
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    Why won't a bike stand up by itself?
    It's two tired.

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    weapon of mass consumption redred's Avatar
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    There once was a king who lived in two-story grass hut. Every holiday the king demanded to be given a new throne as a gift. As soon as a new throne arrived, he would store the old throne on the second level of his hut and use the new one instead. But one day the hut collapsed from the weight of all the thrones, and everyone was crushed and killed.

    The moral of this story? Those who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

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    weapon of mass consumption redred's Avatar
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    Two muffins are in the oven. One looks over and says, "Gee, don't you think it's hot in here?" and the other muffin says, "AAAAHHH!!!! A talking muffin!!!"

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    weapon of mass consumption redred's Avatar
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    What's Mary short for?
    She's got no legs.

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    weapon of mass consumption redred's Avatar
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    A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew the doctor's habit and would always have a drink waiting. But one day the bartender ran out of hazelnut extract, so he substituted hickory nuts. When the doctor arrived, he took a sip and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"

    "No, I'm sorry," the bartender replied. "It's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

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    weapon of mass consumption redred's Avatar
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    Did you hear the watermelon joke?
    It's pitful.

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    weapon of mass consumption redred's Avatar
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    Why did the New Yorker sleep under an oil tank?
    He wanted to wake up oily.

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