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Thread: redred's bad jokes

  1. #721
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    A priest goes to see his Bishop and asks if he would hear his confession.

    “Of course,” the Bishop said and took out his rosary. “And what do you have to confess?”

    “Well Your Grace I used profane language,” the priest says, shifting a bit in obvious embarrassment.

    “I understand,” the Bishop says. “And under what circumstance did you use the profanity?”

    “Well Your Grace I was playing golf and I stepped up to the tee on a par four and I hit what is probably the best drive of my life. Long and straight as an arrow,” the priest replied.

    “Well surely there was no cause to blaspheme then?” the Bishop said with a frown.

    “Well no,” the priest said, “but as it flew down the fairway it hit an overhead wire and dropped down only a hundred yards away.”

    “Ah,” said the Bishop. “So that’s when you blasphemed.”

    “No Your Grace,” the priest said. “You see when it hit the ground a gopher popped up, grabbed the ball and started running away with it toward the woods.”

    “Oh so that is what made you curse,” the Bishop said with a nod.

    “No Your Grace because just as he was about to get to the woods a great owl swooped down and grabbed him in his talons and started to fly away.”

    “Okay so that is when you used a profanity,” The Bishop said.

    “No sir, you see as the owl flew off with the gopher, the gopher dropped the ball from the sky and it landed on the green and rolled to just two feet away from the hole.”

    The Bishop looked at the priest carefully and said, “You missed the fucking putt didn’t you?”

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    What's the difference between an Indian and an African elephant?

    One's an elephant.

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  5. #723
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    Music was better when ugly people were allowed to make it.

  6. #724
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    A perfectly triangular lake has 3 kingdoms on its 3 sides.

    The first kingdom is rich and powerful, filled with wealthy, prosperous people, the second is humbler, but has its fair share of wealth and power. The third kingdom is struggling and poor, and barely has an army.

    The kingdoms eventually go to war over control of the lake, as it's a valuable resource to have. The first kingdom sends 100 of its finest knights, clad in the best armour and each with their own personal squire. The second kingdom sends 50 knights, with fine leather armour and a few dozen squires of their own. The third kingdom sends their one and only knight, an elderly warrior who has long since passed his prime, with his own personal squire.

    The night before the big battle, the knights in the first kingdom drink and party into the late hours of the night. The knights in the second kingdom aren't as well off, but have their own supply of grog and drink well into the night.

    In the third camp, the faithful squire gets a rope and swings it over the branch of a tall tree, making a noose, and hangs a pot from it. He fills the pot with stew and has a humble dinner with the old knight.

    The next morning, the knights in the first two kingdoms are hungover and unable to fight, while the knight in the third kingdom is old weary, unable to get up.

    In place of the knights, the squires from all three kingdoms go and fight. The battle lasts long into the night but by the time the dust settled, only one squire was left standing - the squire from the third kingdom.

    And it just goes to show you that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

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    Music was better when ugly people were allowed to make it.

  9. #726
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    I like the jokes where you aren't really sure where they are going

  10. #727
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    Harold got in bed, kissed his lovely wife, and fell into a deep sleep. He awoke before the pearly Gates and St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Harold.”

    Harold was stunned. "I'm dead...? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back to my wife!”

    St. Peter said, "Perhaps that can be arranged, but there aren’t many open spots right now. You’ve got two alternatives: you can come back to your house as a goldfish or as a hen.”

    Harold never liked swimming and thought that perhaps being a hen wouldn't be that bad after all. The chickens his wife raised just ran around pecking at the ground, no stress, and at least he’d still be close to her.

    Harold replied, "Okay, then I choose to be a hen.” The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground in his old backyard! Another hen strolled up and said, "So, you're the new hen, nice to meet you. How’s your first day here?”

    "Not bad," replied Harold, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm gonna explode!”

    "You're ovulating," explained the hen. “Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before!”

    "Never.." said Harold.

    "Well, just cluck twice and then push.” Harold clucked twice and pushed, and voila, out popped an egg. Harold was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood for the first time. He then clucked twice, pushed, and out came another egg. It felt amazing. He never new it was like this! Just as he was about to lay his third egg, his wife called out to him. “Harold! Harold!”

    Happiness filled Harold as he saw her running towards him. Knowing she was there to share this moment, he was overwhelmed by joy.

    He clucked once, clucked twice, and suddenly felt his wife smack the back of his head. “Dammit, Harold wake up! You're shitting the bed!”

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    Have you noticed that squirrels and birds are very indecisive? Yeah, they're always on the fence.


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    Music was better when ugly people were allowed to make it.

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    A horse is sitting at home, watching MTV.

    He's watching a heavy metal music video, and the guitarist plays an amazing solo. The horse says "that looks amazing, I want to do that!"

    The horse goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play guitar." Says the horse.

    "Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

    "There's just one problem," says the horse. "I'm a horse."

    "Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach horses. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

    Sure enough, the horse gets really good at the guitar and he can play that amazing solo. He wants to show his friends, so he picks up the phone and calls chicken.

    "Hey Chicken, come over!" he says.

    Chicken comes over, watches horse play the guitar and thinks it's pretty cool. Chicken watches the music video and says "Hey, that drum part is pretty cool, I want to learn to play that."

    Chicken goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play the drums." Says the chicken.

    "Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

    "There's just one problem," says the chicken. "I'm a chicken."

    "Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach chickens. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

    Sure enough, the chicken gets really good and begins to jam with the horse. Eventually, they think that something's missing. They watch the video again and realize they need a bass guitarist. They call their friend Cow and show them what they've been up to. Cow thinks it's pretty cool, and wants to learn how to play the bass guitar.

    Cow goes to the phone book, looks up a music teacher and calls him. "Hi, I'd like to learn to play bass guitar." Says the cow.

    "Sure," says the man on the phone. "Just come to your lesson and we'll get you started."

    "There's just one problem," says the cow. "I'm a cow."

    "Not to worry," the man says. "We have new state of the art technology to teach cows. You'll be playing like a pro in no time."

    Sure enough, the cow gets really good at the bass and the animals have a nice band going.

    One day, while they're practicing, a man walks by and hears them. He goes up to the animals and says "hey, you guys are pretty good! I'm from a record label, I'd like to sign you!"

    The band records an album, puts out some singles and becomes a massive success. They go on a worldwide tour and make tons of money. Right before the last show of the tour, which is supposed to be in Vegas, Horse gets a call. His mother is in hospital.

    Horse goes to visit her before the show while the rest of the band goes to Vegas to set up. It turns out that she's all good, it's just a cold. As horse is leaving the hospital, he gets another call. The private jet that was carrying the band and their producer crashed into the ocean, and there were no survivors.

    Horse is devastated. All of his best friends are dead, he's out of a job and he's stuck with nowhere to go. He breaks down in tears and decides he'll drink himself to death. So the horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

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  16. #731
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    That's a long setup for a very old joke.


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    Music was better when ugly people were allowed to make it.

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    My girlfriend asked me about birth control. I said, “I’m like Alec Baldwin. I’m pretty sure I’m shooting blanks but don’t bet your life on it.”

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