I just discovered the opposite of an orgasm. It was such an anti climax.
I just discovered the opposite of an orgasm. It was such an anti climax.
Three scientists decided to try and break the world record for largest pig in the world. After lots of careful research and planning, they decided that that the best way to go would be to put a cork in the pigs butt and overfeed him. After 3 months of feeding, they submitted their pig to the judging for the Guinness book of world records. After winning the title, they needed to remove the cork from the pig and they decided the best way to do this would be to have a trained monkey pull it out. All four were in the room when the monkey pulled the cork and next thing they remember is waking up in the hospital. The doctor asked the first one what the last thing he saw was. "Piles and piles of shit" was his reply. The second one answered this question "piles and piles and piles of shit." When the third was asked this, his answer was "I remember the poor monkey trying to put the cork back in."
I was at my local Indian restaurant the other night when the waiter came over and said "Curry ok?"
I said, "Go on then, just one song then bugger off"
My wife shouted upstairs the other day "Suns just come out" I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops grabbed my sunglasses and shot down the stairs.......
Only to find out my son holding hands with his "best mate" Dave.
The wife was counting out the coin jar on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself "She's going through the change".
Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
I was in a club last night grinding with this girl for over an hour. Fuck knows why we both had pepper mills.
LITTLE Johnny's neighbours had a baby, but he was born without ears. Johnny and his mum and dad went to visit the baby and Johnny was warned not to mention its missing ears or he would get a spanking. Johnny looked in the cot and said "What a lovely baby. How's his eyesight?" The baby's mother said it was perfect. Johnny replied "That's great 'cos he'd be fucked if he needed glasses!
A woman's dog is drowning in the sea. A passing German dwarf dives in, pulls out the dog, resucitates it and saves it's life.
"Are you a little vet?" asks the woman...
..."A little vet???"...said the German dwarf, "I'm fucking soaked!"
Bloke walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says 'This is the pig i have to have sex with when you've got a headache!!'
Wife laying on the bed replies 'Actually i think you'll find that's a Sheep?'
Bloke replies 'ACTUALLY i think you'll find i was TALKING to the Sheep!!'
The girlfriend asked me what I was doing on the computer last night. I told her I was looking for cheap flights. " oh I love you so much!" she said, then she got all excited, unzipped my trousers and gave me the most amazing blow job ever... Which is really odd because she's never shown an interest in darts before
Originally Posted by redred
Now THAT'S an improvement.....
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