redred's bad jokes

[redred]

Did you hear about the constipated mathematicia?
He worked it out with a pencil

[redred]

50 shades of Grey according to men


He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again ....... back and forth ..... back and forth ..... in and out ..... in and out.



She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end.



Her heart was pounding ... her face was flushed ... then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,



"OK, OK! I can't park the f*cking car! You do it, you SMUG bas-ard!

[redred]

Don't forget Comic Relief this year. Just £5 can help teach a disabled African the difference between an intruder and his girlfriend

[redred]

A Horse walks into a Bar
The Barman says "Sorry we don't serve food"

[redred]

I'm an insomniac dyslexic agnostic.....
I lie awake at night wondering if there is a Dog

[Goofy]

Someone just threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.

Don't worry, I only suffered super fish oil injuries…

[redred]

that's a bad one

[Goofy]

that's a bad one

Why d'ya think i posted it in here

[Hal-9000]

that's a bad one

Grasshopper walks into a bar and asks for a beer..

The bartender looks at him amazed and says - Hey, we have a drink named after you!

Grasshopper responds - You have a drink named Paul?

[Sadaka]

Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel ,
"Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead
you to the Promised Land."

Nearly 50 years ago, (when the Nats were in power) Verwoerd said,
"Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this
is the Promised Land."

Today, the ANC has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the
price of Camels and mortgaged the Promised Land!

I was so depressed last night thinking about Jacob Zuma, the
economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, corruption, retirement
funds, etc .... I called a Suicide Hotline.

I had to press 1 for English.

I was connected to a call center in Pakistan ..I told them I was suicidal.

They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck......

Folks, we're screwed .

[redred]

[redred]

A London lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by an Irish Garda.

He thinks that he is smarter than the cop because he is a lawyer, from London , and is certain that he has a better education than any paddy cop.


He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Garda's expense!!

Irish Garda says,' License and registration, please.'


London Lawyer says, 'What for?'


Irish Garda replies, 'You didn't come to a complete stop at the Stop sign.'


London Lawyer says, 'I slowed down, and no one was coming.'


Irish Garda says, 'You still didn't come to a complete stop.


License And registration, please.'


London Lawyer says, 'What's the difference?'


Irish Garda says, 'The difference is, you have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!'


London Lawyer says, 'If you can show me the legal difference between 'slow down' and 'stop', I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket.'


Irish Garda says, 'Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.'


The London lawyer exits his vehicle. The Irish Garda takes out his baton and starts beating the fuck out of the lawyer with it and says, 'Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?'

[redred]

Paddy is going really well on Who Wants to be a Millionaire. He's got to £125,000 with all his lifelines.

Chris: OK Paddy, for £250,000 which of the following was one of the Great Train Robbers was it:

Ronnie Biggs
Ronnie O'Sullivan
Ronnie Corbett
Ronnie Wood

Take your time

Paddy: I'll take the money Chris

Chris: Are you sure, you've still got 3 lifelines

Paddy: I'm sure Chris,I'll take the money

Chris: OK audience give him a big round of applause, but before you go Paddy I'm sure you'd like to know the answer.

Paddy: I know the answer Chris.

Chris: You know the answer? You've just turned down a quarter of a million quid, are you mad? are you mental?

Paddy: I may be mental Chris but I'm no feckin grass.

[Goofy]

The Pink Panther's To Do list:
- To do
- To do
- To do, to do, to do, to do, to doooo

[Goofy]

I could hear the wife squealing. "Dave, Dave, come quick! There's this green thing running round the house."

"That'll be the hedge, love," I called back.