redred's bad jokes

[The Monk]

The English cricket team visited an orphanage today. "It is really sad to see their little faces with no hope" said Sarah aged 6...

[amex]

The Pink Panther's To Do list:
- To do
- To do
- To do, to do, to do, to do, to doooo

hahahhahaha PMSL

[PorkChopSandwiches]

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the cowboy offered.

"On a trip to the Big Horn Mountains out in Wyoming, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.

So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground." I yelled, "Now, back off or I'll kick the shit out of all of you"

Saint Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?"

"Couple of minutes ago."

[teabelly]

[The Monk]

While watching Nigella's latest cookery programme, my wife moaned, "I'll never look as good as that."

"Don't be silly," I said. "With a bit of make up and camera trickery, you'd be identical."

"Really?" she asked, perking up. "I could look like Nigella?"

"Oh, sorry," I replied. "I thought you were talking about that potato."

[The Monk]

The police caught me dumping a box of puppies on the side of the road.

They charged me with littering.

[Goofy]

I ate my watch this morning....... it was really time consuming.

[The Monk]

I've just started reading my first ever Braille horror story.

I think that something scary is about to happen, I can feel it.

[The Monk]

My current job involves working on an airport customer service desk.

I deal with luggage complaints on a case by case basis.

[The Monk]

Sport is a funny thing. Oscar Pistorius is in deep shit because he didn't use his head. Michael Schumacher is in deeper shit because he did.

[The Monk]

I've been having therapy to cure my obsession with the band Bon Jovi. Six weeks into my twelve week treatment my psychiatrist asked "So, how are you feeling at this stage?" I said "Ohhhhhh, I'm halfway there".

[The Monk]

I was completely shocked this morning when my doctor told me I was colour blind. It came completely out of the green.

[Fodster]

[The Monk]

Yesterday morning I bought two cases of beer on sale at the Beer Store. I placed them on the front seat and headed back home. I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump. Although it was very cold she was wearing a very short skirt and a light jacket which was wide open. She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window. With her bra-less breasts almost falling out her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice "I'm a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for beer?" I thought for a few seconds and asked "What kind of beer 'ya got?"

[DemonGeminiX]