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Thread: redred's bad jokes

  1. #466
    unedited FBD's Avatar
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    What's the difference between prostitutes and politicians?

    You can buy a politician but only rent a prostitute.



    ----
    OT: btw, long time ago firebrand preachers accusing the Vatican of being ruled by prostitutes, hence the "Rule by prostitutes" word Pornocracy

    then 1987, a pornstar was elected in the Italian Parliament: Cicciolina, and the whole discussion on the above started again

    in case you wonder: she campaigned on a platform against NATO membership, against nuclear power and for human rights, including those of prostitutes
    Last edited by FBD; 05-14-2014 at 03:12 PM.

  2. #467
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    .... and got her tits out often...

  3. #468
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    I have an image of Jesus that pops up on my PC monitor if I leave it idle for 10 minutes.

    It's my screen saviour.!

  4. #469
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    I used to sell loose onions until I got the sack!

  5. #470
    #DeSantis2024 Teh One Who Knocks's Avatar
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    I don't think Captain America feels well, he's Sikh

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  7. #471
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    The devout cowboy lost his favourite bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a cow walked up to him carrying the bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the book from the cow's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward, and exclaimed "It's a miracle!" "Not really" said the cow. "Your name is written inside the cover.

  8. #472
    Shelter Dweller PorkChopSandwiches's Avatar
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    Two priests are out driving one day

    When they get pulled over by a police officer.

    The cop approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver "Sorry to pull you over father, but we're looking for a couple of child molesters"

    The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a few quiet words to each other.

    The driver turns back to the cop and says; "Alright officer, we'll do it"






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  10. #473
    transracial Hal-9000's Avatar
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    fuck me man...

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  12. #474
    #DeSantis2024 Teh One Who Knocks's Avatar
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    So a guy walks into a bar one day and he can’t believe his eyes. There, in the corner, there’s this one-foot-tall man, in a little tuxedo, playing a tiny grand piano.

    So the guy asks the bartender, “Where’d he come from?”

    And the bartender’s, like, “There’s a genie in the men’s room who grants wishes.”

    So the guy runs into the men’s room and, sure enough, there’s this genie. And the genie’s, like, “Your wish is my command.” So the guy’s, like, “O.K., I wish for world peace.” And there’s this big cloud of smoke—and then the room fills up with geese.

    So the guy walks out of the men’s room and he’s, like, “Hey, bartender, I think your genie might be hard of hearing.”

    And the bartender’s, like, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?”

    So the guy processes this. And he’s, like, “Does that mean you wished for a twelve-inch penis?”

    And the bartender’s, like, “Yeah. Why, what did you wish for?”

    And the guy’s, like, “World peace.”

    So the bartender is understandably ashamed.

    And the guy orders a beer, like everything is normal, but it’s obvious that something has changed between him and the bartender.

    And the bartender’s, like, “I feel like I should explain myself further.”

    And the guy’s, like, “You don’t have to.”

    But the bartender continues, in a hushed tone. And he’s, like, “I have what’s known as penile dysmorphic disorder. Basically, what that means is I fixate on my size. It’s not that I’m small down there. I’m actually within the normal range. Whenever I see it, though, I feel inadequate.”

    And the guy feels sorry for him. So he’s, like, “Where do you think that comes from?”

    And the bartender’s, like, “I don’t know. My dad and I had a tense relationship. He used to cheat on my mom, and I knew it was going on, but I didn’t tell her. I think it’s wrapped up in that somehow.”

    And the guy’s, like, “Have you ever seen anyone about this?”

    And the bartender’s, like, “Oh, yeah, I started seeing a therapist four years ago. But she says we’ve barely scratched the surface.”

    So, at around this point, the twelve-inch pianist finishes up his sonata. And he walks over to the bar and climbs onto one of the stools. And he’s, like, “Listen, I couldn’t help but overhear the end of your conversation. I never told anyone this before, but my dad and I didn’t speak the last ten years of his life.”

    And the bartender’s, like, “Tell me more about that.” And he pours the pianist a tiny glass of whiskey.

    And the twelve-inch pianist is, like, “He was a total monster. Beat us all. Told me once I was an accident.”

    And the bartender’s, like, “That’s horrible.”

    And the twelve-inch pianist shrugs. And he’s, like, “You know what? I’m over it. He always said I wouldn’t amount to anything, because of my height? Well, now look at me. I’m a professional musician!”

    And the pianist starts to laugh, but it’s a forced kind of laughter, and you can see the pain behind it. And then he’s, like, “When he was in the hospital, he had one of the nurses call me. I was going to go see him. Bought a plane ticket and everything. But before I could make it back to Tampa . . .”

    And then he starts to cry. And he’s, like, “I just wish I’d had a chance to say goodbye to my old man.”

    And all of a sudden there’s this big cloud of smoke—and a beat-up Plymouth Voyager appears!

    And the pianist is, like, “I said ‘old man,’ not ‘old van’!”

    And everybody laughs. And the pianist is, like, “Your genie’s hard of hearing.”

    And the bartender says, “No kidding. You think I wished for a twelve-inch pianist?”

    And as soon as the words leave his lips he regrets them. Because the pianist is, like, “Oh, my God. You didn’t really want me.”

    And the bartender’s, like, “No, it’s not like that.” You know, trying to backpedal.

    And the pianist smiles ruefully and says, “Once an accident, always an accident.” And he drinks all of his whiskey.

    And the bartender’s, like, “Brian, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”

    And the pianist smashes his whiskey glass against the wall and says, “Well, I didn’t mean that.”

    And the bartender’s, like, “Whoa, calm down.”

    And the pianist is, like, “Fuck you!” And he’s really drunk, because he’s only one foot tall and so his tolerance for alcohol is extremely low. And he’s, like, “Fuck you, asshole! Fuck you!”

    And he starts throwing punches, but he’s too small to do any real damage, and eventually he just collapses in the bartender’s arms.

    And suddenly he has this revelation. And he’s, like, “My God, I’m just like him. I’m just like him.” And he starts weeping.

    And the bartender’s, like, “No, you’re not. You’re better than he was.”

    And the pianist is, like, “That’s not true. I’m worthless!”

    And the bartender grabs the pianist by the shoulders and says, “Damn it, Brian, listen to me! My life was hell before you entered it. Now I look forward to every day. You’re so talented and kind and you light up this whole bar. Hell, you light up my whole life. If I had a second wish, you know what it would be? It would be for you to realize how beautiful you are.”

    And the bartender kisses the pianist on the lips.

    So the guy, who’s been watching all this, is surprised, because he didn’t know the bartender was gay. It doesn’t bother him; it just catches him off guard, you know? So he goes to the bathroom, to give them a little privacy. And there’s the genie.

    So the guy’s, like, “Hey, genie, you need to get your ears fixed.”

    And the genie’s, like, “Who says they’re broken?” And he opens the door, revealing the happy couple, who are kissing and gaining strength from each other.

    And the guy’s, like, “Well done.”

    And then the genie says, “That bartender’s tiny penis is going to seem huge from the perspective of his one-foot-tall boyfriend.”

    And the graphic nature of the comment kind of kills the moment.

    And the genie’s, like, “I’m sorry. I should’ve left that part unsaid. I always do that. I take things too far.”

    And the guy’s, like, “Don’t worry about it. Let’s just grab a beer. It’s on me.”

  13. #475
    aka TheInvisibleMan Griffin's Avatar
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    wow...who da thunk

  14. #476
    Shelter Dweller PorkChopSandwiches's Avatar
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    Two Blondes are out on a hike when one looks down and sees some tracks.

    "Hey look, deer tracks!" she exclaims.

    The other blond looks over and says, "Those aren't deer tracks! Those are rabbit tracks!"

    After about 10 minutes of bickering about what type of tracks they are, they get hit by a train.






  15. #477
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    you so ugly, yo momma had to tie a steak around yo neck to get the dog to play with you

  16. #478
    unedited FBD's Avatar
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    you must wonder what life would be like if you had a little more oxygen when you were born

  17. #479
    transracial Hal-9000's Avatar
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    How many cops does it take to change a light bulb?

    9


    One to change the light bulb, and 8 to beat the room for being black

  18. #480
    transracial Hal-9000's Avatar
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    this one is goin out to RBP...


    Q. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
    A. A woman that won't do what she's told.

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