Page 34 of 50 FirstFirst ... 24 32 33 34 35 36 44 ... LastLast
Results 496 to 510 of 740

Thread: redred's bad jokes

  1. #496
    Mr Magoo RBP's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Chicago
    Posts
    60,390
    vCash
    2000
    Mentioned
    185 Post(s)
    Thanks
    78,181
    Thanked 27,731 Times in 15,014 Posts
    Nice.
    I wanted to be a Monk, but I never got the chants.

  2. #497
    transracial Hal-9000's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    On the Discovery
    Posts
    92,141
    vCash
    1000
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Thanks
    5,799
    Thanked 11,829 Times in 8,168 Posts
    Quote Originally Posted by Griffin View Post
    If it helps I'm offended that you assumed I gave a fuck where you put them.


  3. #498
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    Western Australia
    Posts
    16,383
    vCash
    3000
    Mentioned
    10 Post(s)
    Thanks
    5,744
    Thanked 11,815 Times in 6,371 Posts
    St. Peter and St. Paul are sitting in the staff room in Heaven sharing a cigarette with looks of despair on their faces.

    St. Paul complained "Peter, I am so bored". "You're Bored?? All I do is stand at those pearly-fucking-gates, say 'Yep you're in or no bugger off sinner'. That's it for nearly 2000 years" grumbled Peter.

    Jesus strolls in whistling to himself and asks "Hiya boys, wassup?" Paul replied "We're bored J, we don't got nothing to do but be saintly". Jesus says "I've been thinking the same thing so I went to Pops and asked him if we could have one day of sin downstairs for all the good work we done, and he said yep. We get one day every 2000 years. So I've booked tickets for the Ministry of Sound nightclub in London and 3 hotel rooms in the Hilton Hotel. We'll go down, dance and get our hands on some pussy and screw them all night in our rooms".

    Peter laughed "Way to go J, and I'll tell you what. We'll all meet up here at noon tomorrow and tell each other all about it. Have something to talk about for the next 2000 years!"

    They all agree, so off they go. Their heavenly auras attract the women like flies and we leave them winking at each other as they turn the keys in the hotel room doors.

    Next day, Peter is sitting down humming to himself back in God's staff room when Paul materialises with a massive smile on his face.

    "Go on, what happened?" says Peter "You can tell J when he gets here" "Well, she didn't mess about. She just dropped her dress, and was naked underneath, did a handstand and started sucking me off while I ate her and it carried on from there..."

    "Nice one" said Peter "it was different for me, when she undressed she had PVC crotchless panties on, and whips and chains in her purse. I never knew pain could be so pleasurable".

    All of a sudden Jesus appeared with a face full of gloom and anger.

    "What's up, J?" they asked. "I don't want to talk about it". Jesus scowled. "You've got to, we made a pact and the day of sin is now over so fess up" argued Peter and Paul.

    "All right then, it started out great. She was so beautiful and when she undressed she was wearing small, white silk underwear to compliment her deep tan. She peeled off her clothes seductively, to really turn me on". "Yes!?!" the two panted

    "Then she came over and kissed me deeply, moaning as my hands moved over her pert breasts, my hand wandered down to the gash between her legs..." "Yes, Yes!" "And it fucking healed up didn't it!!" shouted Jesus.

  4. #499
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    Western Australia
    Posts
    16,383
    vCash
    3000
    Mentioned
    10 Post(s)
    Thanks
    5,744
    Thanked 11,815 Times in 6,371 Posts
    There are three cops that go to the same bar after work every night. Two of the cops are veterans and one is a rookie. One night the rookie and one of the veterans are sitting around and the third one comes into the bar with the biggest shit-eating grin on his face.

    The other two cops ask him "Why are you so happy?" He tells them "Well last night I had the best sex in my life with my wife. I had my service revolver cocked and loaded under the pillow. When I was about to come, I fired a shot into the air. Her pussy got really tight and we both came at the same time".

    The next night, the other veteran comes into the bar with a shit-eating grin on his face too and tells the other veteran "Thanks for the advice. Last night I had the most incredible sex with my wife. I was doing her doggy style and when I was about to come, I fired my pistol. We both had a spontaneous orgasm. It was great".

    The next night, the two veterans see the rookie come into the bar, mad as hell, kicking chairs as he makes his way over to them. The rookie says "Well I took your advice! My wife and I were doing sixty-nine and I fired my gun! That woman almost bit off my fucking dick and she crapped in my face!"

  5. #500
    transracial Hal-9000's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    On the Discovery
    Posts
    92,141
    vCash
    1000
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Thanks
    5,799
    Thanked 11,829 Times in 8,168 Posts
    "We're bored J, we don't got nothing to do but be saintly"






    that struck me as funny for some reason

  6. #501
    Dilly dilly Goofy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    On the oche
    Posts
    52,011
    vCash
    5200
    Mentioned
    124 Post(s)
    Thanks
    6,061
    Thanked 13,156 Times in 6,846 Posts
    Someone stole my mood ring, I don't know how I feel about that..............

  7. The Following User Says Thank You to Goofy For This Useful Post:

    RBP (09-01-2014)

  8. #502
    transracial Hal-9000's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    On the Discovery
    Posts
    92,141
    vCash
    1000
    Mentioned
    1 Post(s)
    Thanks
    5,799
    Thanked 11,829 Times in 8,168 Posts

  9. #503
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    Western Australia
    Posts
    16,383
    vCash
    3000
    Mentioned
    10 Post(s)
    Thanks
    5,744
    Thanked 11,815 Times in 6,371 Posts
    John is being shown around the office by his new boss.

    They enter the IT department and John sees a man using two keyboards at once. "That's incredible", says John. "Trust a geek to use two keyboards at once".

    "Hey!" replied his boss. "That's stereotyping."

  10. #504
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    Western Australia
    Posts
    16,383
    vCash
    3000
    Mentioned
    10 Post(s)
    Thanks
    5,744
    Thanked 11,815 Times in 6,371 Posts
    A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"

    The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

    "Yeah that's the one"

  11. #505
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    Western Australia
    Posts
    16,383
    vCash
    3000
    Mentioned
    10 Post(s)
    Thanks
    5,744
    Thanked 11,815 Times in 6,371 Posts
    This nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting for her flight. When she looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So she thought to herself I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me. So she went over to the machine and she put her nickel in and card came out and it said, You're a nun you weigh 128lbs and your going to Chicago Illinois. So she sat back down and thought about it, she thought to herself it probably tells everyone the same thing, I'm going try it again.

    So she went over to the machine again and put her nickel in it, a card came out and said, You're nun, you weigh 128lbs., You're going to Chicago Ill. and You're going to play a fiddle. She said to herself I know that's wrong I have never played a musical instrument a day in my life. She sat back down and this Cowboy came over and set his fiddle case down she picked up the fiddle and just started playing beautiful music. She looked back at the machine and said this is incredible I've got to try it again.

    So she went back to the machine put her nickel in another card came out and it said, You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you're going to Chicago Ill. and you're going to break wind. She thinks I know it's wrong now I've never broke wind in public a day in my life, well she tripped and fell off the scales and FARTED like a bay mule. So she sat back down and looked at the machine once again. She said to herself this is truly unbelievable, I've got to try it again.

    She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and a card came out and said, you're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you're going to Chicago Ill. and you're going to have sex. She said ah-hah that does it I know for sure its wrong now, I'm a nun, ain't ever had none, and ain't ever gonna get none. Well a huge electrical storm came through and the electricity went off and she got raped... She sat back down and thought about it for few minutes and then said this is truly, truly, incredible. But one thing is for certain, I've got to try it again just to see what is gonna happen to me before I leave this airport.

    She went over to the machine put her nickel in and a card came out and it said. You're a nun, you weigh 128lbs., you have fiddled, farted, fucked around and missed your flight to Chicago!!!!!!!!

  12. #506
    Shelter Dweller In Training amex's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2012
    Posts
    369
    vCash
    3000
    Mentioned
    0 Post(s)
    Thanks
    563
    Thanked 153 Times in 91 Posts
    Quote Originally Posted by Griffin View Post
    If it helps I'm offended that you assumed I gave a fuck where you put them.
    hahahahha ...^^^this one-liner is better then all jokes on this thread all together

  13. The Following User Says Thank You to amex For This Useful Post:

    PorkChopSandwiches (09-09-2014)

  14. #507
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2011
    Location
    Western Australia
    Posts
    16,383
    vCash
    3000
    Mentioned
    10 Post(s)
    Thanks
    5,744
    Thanked 11,815 Times in 6,371 Posts
    Paddy goes into IKEA and says to the assistant "I want some of the suppository furniture". The assistant says "I've never heard of suppository furniture". Paddy says "It's the stuff you put up yourself".

  15. #508
    Mr Magoo RBP's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Chicago
    Posts
    60,390
    vCash
    2000
    Mentioned
    185 Post(s)
    Thanks
    78,181
    Thanked 27,731 Times in 15,014 Posts
    I recently joined a nudist colony.

    The first week was the hardest.
    I wanted to be a Monk, but I never got the chants.

  16. #509
    Take Box B DemonGeminiX's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    Bum Fuck Egypt, East Jabip
    Posts
    64,803
    vCash
    27021
    Mentioned
    25 Post(s)
    Thanks
    45,041
    Thanked 16,891 Times in 11,966 Posts


    Warning: The posts of this forum member may contain trigger language which may be considered offensive to some.

    Music was better when ugly people were allowed to make it.

  17. #510
    Dilly dilly Goofy's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2011
    Location
    On the oche
    Posts
    52,011
    vCash
    5200
    Mentioned
    124 Post(s)
    Thanks
    6,061
    Thanked 13,156 Times in 6,846 Posts
    Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common..........

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •