redred's bad jokes

[Goofy]

Met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date, but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.

[Goofy]

I was walking down the road the other day and I saw this advert in the window that said Television For Sale - £1 - Volume Stuck On Full. I thought: 'I can't turn that down'

[The Monk]

Yesterday I was at my local Costco buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Jake, the Wonder Dog, and was in the check-out line when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think, I had an elephant? So since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a Perfect Diet and that the way that it works is, to load your pants pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care, because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff a poodle's ass and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

[The Monk]

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans... walk into a fine restaurant. "I'm sorry" says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group. "But you can't come in here without a Thai".

[The Monk]

After a lifetime wondering why he didn't look like his younger sister or brother, the man finally got up the nerve to ask his mother if he was adopted. "Yes, you were, son" his mother said as she started to cry softly. "But it didn't work out and they brought you back".

[The Monk]

A man and a woman are seated next to each other on a flight. They start eying each other, and both realise they want to do the same thing. He slips a condom out of his pocket, and she looks delighted. Rear toilet? He suggests. Five minutes, she agrees and goes off. He waits five minutes, then goes and slips in there with her. Right, get that condom on, she says. Soon, they are both sighing with pleasure. But a sharp eyed stewardess has noticed them, and realised what they are up to. So she humiliates them by making an announcement over the PA system. "To the lady and gentleman in the rear toilet, we know what you are doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now, please put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector".

[The Monk]

I wanted to improve me and the wife's sex life, so I told her to sit down and I put a classic porn film on for inspiration. My favourite scene came on where the girl pulled the pizza boy into the house and deep throats him before riding him 'reverse cowgirl' in the hallway. "That looks good". She purred. "I certainly wouldn't mind some of that". "Really?" I asked, excitedly. "Oh yes". She said. "With extra mushrooms though!!"

[Goofy]

I got a Womble pepper grinder for Christmas.
It's rubbish.
Everything is either underground or overground.

[Goofy]

I had just hung up my phone on the bus this morning when I got a tap on the shoulder, "Excuse me," said a teenage girl dressed in her school uniform, "I wonder if you could settle an argument for us? Me and my friend just overheard your phone ringing just then and I'm pretty sure it was Beyoncé, but my friend is adamant it was Rihanna..."

I said, "You're both wrong, it was my mum."

[PorkChopSandwiches]

A Frenchman takes his American girlfriend on a picnic..

Before they start, the girl says, "Jacques, give me a kiss!"

So he grabs the bottle of Merlot, pours some into her mouth, and exclaims, "When the French take red meat, we take it with red wine!" before giving her a long, deep kiss.

They continue kissing, and get more and more passionate. After a while, the girl breaks away and says, "Jacques! Kiss me... lower."

And so he kisses her down her neck and towards her bosom. As he reaches her breasts, he grabs the bottle of Chardonnay, pours it onto her breasts and exclaims, "When the French take white meat, we take it with white wine!" before licking and sucking on her breasts eagerly.

After a while, the girl can no longer take it, and whispers into his ear, "Jacques, I want you to go... lower."

And so he gradually lowers himself and pulls down her panties. As he nears her pussy, he grabs the bottle of whiskey, pours it over her pussy, and then grabs his lighter and sets her bush on fire, before exclaiming, "When the French go down, we go down in flames!".

[amex]

A Frenchman takes his American girlfriend on a picnic..

Before they start, the girl says, "Jacques, give me a kiss!"

So he grabs the bottle of Merlot, pours some into her mouth, and exclaims, "When the French take red meat, we take it with red wine!" before giving her a long, deep kiss.

They continue kissing, and get more and more passionate. After a while, the girl breaks away and says, "Jacques! Kiss me... lower."

And so he kisses her down her neck and towards her bosom. As he reaches her breasts, he grabs the bottle of Chardonnay, pours it onto her breasts and exclaims, "When the French take white meat, we take it with white wine!" before licking and sucking on her breasts eagerly.

After a while, the girl can no longer take it, and whispers into his ear, "Jacques, I want you to go... lower."

And so he gradually lowers himself and pulls down her panties. As he nears her pussy, he grabs the bottle of whiskey, pours it over her pussy, and then grabs his lighter and sets her bush on fire, before exclaiming, "When the French go down, we go down in flames!".

[redred]

I was reading a book called the history of glue . I couldn't put it down !

[Goofy]

I was reading a book called the history of glue . I couldn't put it down !

Reminds me of an old Tommy Cooper joke: I took my dog to the vet to see if they could do anything for his cross eyes, the vet said he'd have to put him down, "why" i said, "because he's cross eyed?", "no, because he's really heavy!"

[amex]

^^ both are shit .....

[Hikari Kisugi]

A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian."
Passenger: "Who?"
Cabbie: "Brian. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian, every single time."
Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."
Cabbie: "Not Brian. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."
Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian, he could do everything right."
Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."
Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian ....."
Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died....... I'm married to his effing widow."