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Thread: redred's bad jokes

  1. #586
    Shelter Dweller PorkChopSandwiches's Avatar
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    Ben & Jerry's decides to make a flavor in celebration of Trump. What would this flavor's name be?

     
    Grab Her by the Pustachio






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  3. #587
    Shelter Dweller PorkChopSandwiches's Avatar
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    Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most English in three weeks.

    After three weeks the Syrians meet again at a McDonalds. The first Syrian makes his case for him being more English by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to football practice and my daughter to dance class. I've recently started going to the pub and drink pints of Carling and every Friday I have fish&chips. My favourite football team is Manchester United. Beat that!"

    The other Syrian simply replies with: "Get out of my country, you fucking paki cunt."






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  5. #588
    Mr Magoo RBP's Avatar
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    I wanted to be a Monk, but I never got the chants.

  6. #589
    weapon of mass consumption redred's Avatar
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    A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.
    He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
    The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.
    The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
    The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”
    The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.

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  8. #590
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  9. #591
    Dilly dilly Goofy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by redred View Post
    A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers.
    He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
    The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.
    The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
    The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”
    The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.

  10. #592
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    Interviewer: "I heard you were extremely quick at math"

    Me: "yes, as a matter of fact I am"

    Interviewer: "Whats 14x27"

    Me: "49"

    Interviewer: "that's not even close"

    Me: "yeah, but it was fast"






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  12. #593
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  14. #594
    weapon of mass consumption redred's Avatar
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    A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2017 FA Cup Final, both box seats. He paid £2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...
    ...it's at St Paul's Church, Peterborough at 3pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too.....She'll be the one in the white dress.

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  16. #595
    Yeah... I'm Back teabelly's Avatar
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    A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.

    Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret, and the surgeon agreed.

    Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery, she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

    Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. ‘I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!’

    The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality, and that the first rose was from him:

    ‘I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.’

    The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood, because she had had the same procedure done some time ago.'

    ‘And what about the third rose ?’ she asked. ‘Oh – that’s from a man upstairs in the serious burns unit … he wanted to thank you for his new ears.'

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  18. #596
    weapon of mass consumption redred's Avatar
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  20. #597
    weapon of mass consumption redred's Avatar
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    Three Little Ducks go into a Bar.
    "Say, what's your name?" the Bartender asked the first Duck.
    "Huey," was the reply.
    "How's your day been, Huey?"
    "Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of Puddles all day. What else could a Duck want"..?? said Huey.
    "Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second Duck,
    "Hi, and what's your name?"
    "Dewey," came the answer from Duck number Two.
    "So how's your day been, Dewey"..?? he asked.
    "Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of Puddles all day myself. What else could a Duck want" ..??
    The bartender turned to the Third Duck and said, "So, you must be Louie"..??
    "No," she said, batting her Eyelashes.
    "My name is Puddles."

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  22. #598
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  24. #599
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    "Fucking kids are expensive," I said.
     

    "Is," replied my lawyer.






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    A priest and a Rabbi are very good friends, so they decide to go to a remote lake for a swim.

    Of course they're swimming naked as you do. All of a sudden, two busses pull up. Out of one pours the rabbis congregation and out of the other pours the priests congregation.

    Their clothes are on the other side of the lake so they don't have time to retrieve them, they just have to make a run for it.

    The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals looks over at the rabbi and sees him running with his hands over his face. He says, "rabbi! What are you doing!" The rabbi says, "in my community, they recognise me by my face."






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