JoeyB's thread of inappropriate lifestyle suggestions.

[JoeyB]

Shouldn't this phrase be a quote from allsmiles or something?

Lifestyle advice: never question the lifestyle advice. Add it to your sig.

[Joebob034]

Fix me

[MrsM]

I may regret this - but I could use a lifestyle change as well

[Muddy]

You need to always wear super tight pleather pants in a soft brown color. And sky blue mesh t-shirts, cut to above your belly button and with NO SLEEVES WHATSOEVER. And you should cover your upper arms in jelly and jam and never, ever, offer an explanation for this whatsoever. But when asked, lick a little spot clean while suggestively eyeing the crotch of whomever posed the query.

Also, walk like a Viking and command attention whenever you strut into a room.

And, same hair advice for you as for DGX...however, you may try altering your Mohawk from the traditional front to back cut by running it ear to ear instead.

But be warned, if you do the ear to ear Mohawk, do not use the color scheme I suggested to DGX, instead, alternate lime green and plum purple stripes. Otherwise, you'll just look like a tool.

Wow..

[Noilly Pratt]

Seriously, who wants me to fix them? And mind you, I might well literally 'fix' you. You don't need those balls anyway, they just make your underwear crowded.

You assume he actually wears underwear....

I may regret this - but I could use a lifestyle change as well

As could I. I think I might regret it as well...but, lay it on me, JoeyB....but no spandex or pleather for me...the world as such is not ready for such a sight. Men should not wear pleather, "Rock the spandex" or even be permitted to utter such nonsense. Such stuff is better reserved for the sleeker lines of the female of the species.

[JoeyB]

Fix me

I can't fix everyone. But what the hell. First...ask no questions, but I'm going to need between four and twelve fresh corpses, an 800 gallon tank full of human embryonic fluids, and something that can capture lightning, preferably some stupid skateboard kid with a kite, a metal key, and no sense whatsoever of physics.

In an unrelated matter, do you think it wise that humans only have the two hands? We'll discuss this in more depth later on, crab boy.

In the meantime. Add this to your sig and when in public, openly leer and creepily smile at all women with large tits.

Sig quote: "Somedays I wake up and feel like nobody loves me. Other days I wake up and feel like I love nobody. Sometimes I wake up and feel tired, and worn out. Sometimes I wake up and feel like I cannot face the day. But someday I'll wake up and realize that waking up is pretty stupid because it just makes you feel like crap.".

I may regret this - but I could use a lifestyle change as well

This is the new you: 1950's American housewife. Proper, cheerful, welcoming demeanor. A good hostess, a good homemaker. An inspiration to ladies of culture and class everywhere. Martha Stewart will weep in your presence. You will always display pride in your appearance, wearing a dress while cooking. Pearl necklace, always. Fine hair, make up. And under your skirt a huge strap-on that you use to subjugate your household slaves. Subjugate those motherfuckers! You will rule with an iron fist and a silicone phallus. None shall question you.

And of course, all your neighbours will always remark on how clean your house is, how presentable, and the fine manners you display to every guests, even the drunken ones who break your fine tea cups when they are drinking whiskey, whiskey they smuggled into your house and that should never have been poured into your fine teacups in the first place, and who will suffer terribly before you have the larger man slaves bury the mangled corpse in your immaculately maintained rose garden.

As could I. I think I might regret it as well...but, lay it on me, JoeyB....but no spandex or pleather for me...the world as such is not ready for such a sight. Men should not wear pleather, "Rock the spandex" or even be permitted to utter such nonsense. Such stuff is better reserved for the sleeker lines of the female of the species.

I agree, spandex is best reserved for those sleeker feminine lines. So, starting today, you need to be taking massive amounts of Estrogen to begin transformation to the sparkling new you...Noilette! You'll be the very image of punky independence, sassy, vibrant, warm and inviting.

Now, go fetch some garden shears and meet me behind your house. And umm, you might bring a clean towel or two.

Starting from this moment forward, I want you to address everyone as 'MoFo' and never, ever use any words containing the letters 'x' 'q' or 't'.

Also, call everyone you know tonight and say nothing to them. Not even hello. Just breathe heavily and perhaps smack your lips a bit in a disapproving fashion. Take extensive notes as to who responds how. We'll need those notes for phase two...

[Noilly Pratt]

JoeyB...

I already am "the very image of punky independence, sassy, vibrant, warm and inviting."

Punky Independence - I drive a minivan. With Mags. I have another minivan that I can't sell -- I'm thinking of painting it in the Scooby Doo colours. It's already green and tan.
Sassy - My haircut resembles Dorothy Hamill, who we all know was "short and sassy". I'm tall (6'2") and sassy.

Vibrant - this can mean "to vibrate to produce sound". Give me enough coffee and listen. I'll chat all day and be bouncing off the walls.
Warm - My 8 year old snuggles up to me because I radiate so much warmth.
Inviting - I invited my nephew to Google +. So there.

I think I'll save up for the operation instead of goin' round back and lettin' you use them clippers. But thanks...

[Noilly Pratt]

Might I suggest...

Sig quote: "Somedays I wake up [SNIP] because it just makes you feel like crap.".

Brevity is the soul of wit.

[Hal-9000]

the blue is back

[Teh One Who Knocks]

Can I be a fondue stirrer?

[Hal-9000]

Can I be a fondue stirrer?

We're having chocolate tonight!


*bends over*

[Teh One Who Knocks]

We're having chocolate tonight!


*bends over*

[JoeyB]

JoeyB...

I already am "the very image of punky independence, sassy, vibrant, warm and inviting."

Punky Independence - I drive a minivan. With Mags. I have another minivan that I can't sell -- I'm thinking of painting it in the Scooby Doo colours. It's already green and tan.
Sassy - My haircut resembles Dorothy Hamill, who we all know was "short and sassy". I'm tall (6'2") and sassy.

Vibrant - this can mean "to vibrate to produce sound". Give me enough coffee and listen. I'll chat all day and be bouncing off the walls.
Warm - My 8 year old snuggles up to me because I radiate so much warmth.
Inviting - I invited my nephew to Google +. So there.

I think I'll save up for the operation instead of goin' round back and lettin' you use them clippers. But thanks...

Pfft, try and save a 'guy' some money...but have it your way lady.

Can I be a fondue stirrer?

No, my plans for you are not fondue related.

[MrsM]

[COLOR="blue"]

This is the new you: 1950's American housewife. Proper, cheerful, welcoming demeanor. A good hostess, a good homemaker. An inspiration to ladies of culture and class everywhere. Martha Stewart will weep in your presence. You will always display pride in your appearance, wearing a dress while cooking. Pearl necklace, always. Fine hair, make up. And under your skirt a huge strap-on that you use to subjugate your household slaves. Subjugate those motherfuckers! You will rule with an iron fist and a silicone phallus. None shall question you.

And of course, all your neighbours will always remark on how clean your house is, how presentable, and the fine manners you display to every guests, even the drunken ones who break your fine tea cups when they are drinking whiskey, whiskey they smuggled into your house and that should never have been poured into your fine teacups in the first place, and who will suffer terribly before you have the larger man slaves bury the mangled corpse in your immaculately maintained rose garden.

Done and Done - strap-on locked and loaded

[Hal-9000]

Done and Done - strap-on locked and loaded

I can help with the pearl necklace