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Thread: Goofs random joke thread (do not view if easily offended)

  1. #16
    Dilly dilly Goofy's Avatar
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    My mate asked me what I thought was the most annoying song of all time, I said,

    "Em, without doubt, that one by the crazy frog."

    "Oh, the Axel F one?" He
    asked.

    "No," I replied, "My heart will go on."

  2. #17
    Dilly dilly Goofy's Avatar
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    A mother and father took their 6 year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had tits bigger than his mother's, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are, the dumber the person is."

    The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger cocks than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are ... the dumber the person is."

    Again satisfied with his answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again.

    He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

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  4. #18
    Dilly dilly Goofy's Avatar
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    If a tree falls on a women and no one is around to hear her........
















    Why is a tree in the kitchen?

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  6. #19
    #DeSantis2024 Teh One Who Knocks's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Goofy View Post
    I met two girls down the pub last night who had strong Cardiff accents.
    I said, "I know that accent. You two ladies are from Scotland, aren't you?"
    "Wales, you fucking idiot," one of them replied.
    "Sorry," I said, "You two whales are from Scotland, aren't you?"

  7. #20
    Newly Seeking Shelter Kulkan's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Goofy View Post
    Women are so bloody hypocritical, always complaining that men can't get their bra's off during foreplay..

    ..Well you can stop being so judgemental ladies. I've been "on the scene" for a while now, and not one of you has been able to pull my balaclava off

    You are teh funneh Goofy! The above made laugh my ass off

  8. #21
    Shelter Dweller PorkChopSandwiches's Avatar
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    Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning: "Windows frozen."

    Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it."

    Wife texts back 5 mins later: "Computer completely fucked now."






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  10. #22
    transracial Hal-9000's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Goofy View Post
    My wife came back from the garage today having paid £750 to have two tyres changed.

    "Bloody hell," I said, "He must've seen you coming!"

    She said, "Bollocks, did I get ripped off?"

    "Oh, no," I replied, "you're just a fat bitch."
    had to read it twice

  11. #23
    Dilly dilly Goofy's Avatar
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    Americans are great at proving stereotypes with their government,

    They put a Texan in charge and they went looking for oil.

    They placed a black man in charge and now it's run out of money and stopped working.






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  13. #24
    Dilly dilly Goofy's Avatar
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    A Muslim lady told me that we can't ban the burka because in England we can wear whatever we want.

    I'm putting on my Peppa Pig mask and my "Mohammed was a paedo" t-shirt and heading down to the mosque right now.

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  15. #25
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    Scientists have discovered a chemical in Cannabis that once in your system can change your life.

    It`s called "Fuck it."

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  17. #26
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    A couple from a circus go to an adoption agency, but social workers are doubtful about their accommodation. So they produce photos of their 15 metre long caravan, the back half of which is a beautifully equipped nursery.

    The social workers then are doubtful about the education that would be provided. "We've employed an Oxford don who'll teach the child all the subjects along with Mandarin and ICT skills".

    There are then doubts expressed about the child's healthy upbringing.

    "Our full time nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet" they reply.

    So the social workers are finally satisfied, and ask what age of child they were looking for...

    "It doesn't really matter" they say "so long as he fits in the cannon".

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  19. #27
    Dilly dilly Goofy's Avatar
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    My missus dressed up as a police woman last night and giggled, "You're being charged with being good in bed..."

    After two minutes she said she was dropping the charge due to lack of evidence.

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  21. #28
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    Rolf Harris has been spat on in prison.

    I've watched enough porn to know what happens next.....

  22. #29
    Dilly dilly Goofy's Avatar
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    This Muslim I was working with on a tower scaffolding lost his footing and slipped. I managed to grab his hand as he was dangling 150 feet in the air.

    "Please, please," he begged, "don't let me drop!"

    "Will you eat my bacon sandwich if I pull you up?" I asked,

    "Yes! Yes! Of course I will!" he said.

    So I let him go. I'm not having a fucking Muslim steal my breakfast.

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  24. #30
    Dilly dilly Goofy's Avatar
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    A Yank gets off the plane in Blackpool and gets into a cab, he gives the taxi driver the hotel name and off they set.. about a mile into the journey the Yank asks "whats that", the taxi driver replies, "thats the pepsi big-one, biggest roller-coaster in England, built in 1996 in 6 months costing 20 million, the yank replies...." we have one twice as big as that at home, only took 3 months to build and cost 40 million".

    200 yards down the prom and the Yank again asks "whats that", the taxi driver again advises "Thats the south pier, largest pier in Europe, built in 1899 at a cost of 5 million in just under 12 months", the Yank replies...."we have one twice as long as that at home, only took 6 months to build and cost 10 million".

    200 yards further down the prom the Yank spots Blackpool tower, he asks "wow whats that"

    "Fuck knows" said the taxi driver, "wasnt there this morning."

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