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Thread: Goofs random joke thread (do not view if easily offended)

  1. #31
    Dilly dilly Goofy's Avatar
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    I've just put a deposit down on a Porsche and mentioned it on Twitter.
    I can't understand why the Americans are so upset.
    All I said was, "I can't wait for the new 911."
    However, 4000 Pakistanis are now following me.

  2. #32
    Dilly dilly Goofy's Avatar
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    When the inventor of the USB stick dies they'll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.

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  4. #33
    Dilly dilly Goofy's Avatar
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    How many religious people does it take to change a light bulb?

    None. They will just sit in the dark and demand you accept the light is still on.

  5. #34
    Dilly dilly Goofy's Avatar
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    A fat bird started chatting me up in the club last night and I mentioned I'd just had my birthday this week.

    "Well, happy birthday, sexy," she purred, stroking down my chest. "If I come back to yours tonight, could you put a smile on my face?"

    "Probably not," I told her. "There's no cake left."

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  7. #35
    Dilly dilly Goofy's Avatar
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    What do you call a woman with big tits who doesn't make sandwiches?

    A compromise.

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  9. #36
    Dilly dilly Goofy's Avatar
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    Racism is bad, regardless of who it is directed at.

    It doesn't matter if they're white or genetically inferior.

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  11. #37
    transracial Hal-9000's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Goofy View Post
    When the inventor of the USB stick dies they'll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.


  12. #38
    Shelter Dweller In Training amex's Avatar
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    John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of
    the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a
    big storm.

    The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so
    strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
    Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and it stopped.
    John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into
    the car and closed the door.... Only to realize there was nobody
    behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving
    slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching.

    Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before
    the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the
    window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched
    as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.
    Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road,
    so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.. Wet
    and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about
    the horrible experience he had just had.

    A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying...
    And wasn't drunk.
    Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark
    and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.
    Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to
    the other....

    'Look Paddy....there's that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were
    pushing it!'


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  14. #39
    Mr Magoo RBP's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Goofy View Post
    A fat bird started chatting me up in the club last night and I mentioned I'd just had my birthday this week.

    "Well, happy birthday, sexy," she purred, stroking down my chest. "If I come back to yours tonight, could you put a smile on my face?"

    "Probably not," I told her. "There's no cake left."
    I wanted to be a Monk, but I never got the chants.

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  16. #40
    Mr Magoo RBP's Avatar
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    I think I missed this thread for 3 years.
    I wanted to be a Monk, but I never got the chants.

  17. #41
    Dilly dilly Goofy's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by RBP View Post
    I think I missed this thread for 3 years.
    The invisibility cloak works

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  19. #42
    Shelter Dweller PorkChopSandwiches's Avatar
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    A woman had just given birth to a baby boy..

    The doctor was holding him and told the parent, "I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids."

    The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?"

    The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids."

    The father says," Won't that make him cock-eyed."

    The doctor replies," No, if anything it will give him foresight"






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  21. #43
    Shelter Dweller In Training amex's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by PorkChopSandwiches View Post
    A woman had just given birth to a baby boy..

    The doctor was holding him and told the parent, "I regret to inform you that your son was born without eyelids."

    The mother replies," That's terrible. What are we going to do?"

    The doctor says," I've seen this before, don't worry. We will circumcise him and use the foreskin to make him new eyelids."

    The father says," Won't that make him cock-eyed."

    The doctor replies," No, if anything it will give him foresight"

  22. #44
    Shelter Dweller PorkChopSandwiches's Avatar
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    A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and says "I hope the porn is disabled."

    The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fuck."






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  24. #45
    Mr Magoo RBP's Avatar
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    I wanted to be a Monk, but I never got the chants.

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