A Conversation In Heaven

[Richard Cranium]

SYLVIA:
Hi! Wanda.

WANDA:
Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?

SYLVIA:
I froze to death.

WANDA:
How horrible!

SYLVIA:
It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from
the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy,
and finally died a peaceful death.
What about you?

WANDA:
I died of a massive heart attack.
I suspected that my husband was cheating,
so I came home early to catch him in the act.
But instead, I found him all by himself
in the den watching TV.

SYLVIA:
So, what happened?

WANDA:
I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running
all over the house looking. I ran up into
the attic and searched, and down into the
basement. Then I went through every closet
and checked under all the beds. I kept this up
until I had looked everywhere, and finally
I became so exhausted that I just keeled over
with a heart attack and died.

SYLVIA:
Too bad you didn't look in the freezer
---we'd both still be alive.

[RBP]

[Griffin]

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. It had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one:
"Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies:
"Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I rush into my 25th floor apartment, I can tell something is wrong, I search all the rooms but no sign of the other guy. Finally, I go out to the balcony, and sure enough, there is the bastard hanging off the railing! By now I am really mad, so I start beating on his fingers, but he doesn't let go. I get the hammer from the floor and start pounding on his fingers. Of course, he lets go and falls -- but even after 25 stories, he hits the tree and some bushes, stunned but still moving. I run into the kitchen, grab the fridge and threw it over the edge where it lands on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 27th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning it was raining and the floor was wet so I slipped and fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony two floors below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he started pounding on my hands with a hammer. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking how lucky I am, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "There I am, sitting in a refrigerator, naked..."