Sheldon Cooper-isms

[dragon_hunter]

Sheldon: But then some poor woman is going to pin her hopes on my sperm, what if she winds up with a toddler that doesn't know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve for the area under a curve?

Leonard: I'm sure she'll still love him.

Sheldon: I wouldn't.

[dragon_hunter]

Penny: Four years I lived with him! Four years, I mean that's like as long as high school!

Sheldon: It took you FOUR YEARS to get through high school!

[dragon_hunter]

Penny: So, what do you guys do for fun around here?

Sheldon: Well, today we tried masturbating for money.

[dragon_hunter]

Leonard: We need to widen our circle.

Sheldon: I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on MySpace.

Leonard: Yes, and you've never met one of them.

Sheldon: That's the beauty of it.

[dragon_hunter]

Sheldon: Oh, Mario. How I wish I could control everyone the way I can with you? [Presses buttons frantically]

Sheldon: Hop, you little plumber! Hop, hop, hop!

[dragon_hunter]

Sheldon: Of all the women Leonard has dated, she's the only one I have ever found tolerable.

Penny: What about me?

Sheldon: The statement stands by itself.

[dragon_hunter]

Sheldon: I am aware of the way humans usually reproduce which is messy, unsanitary and based on living next to you for three years, involves loud and unnecessary appeals to a deity.

Penny: Oh, God.

Sheldon: Yes, exactly.

[dragon_hunter]

Sheldon: Good Morning your honor, Dr. Sheldon Cooper appearing in pro se – that is to say representing himself.

Judge: I know what it means, I went to law school.

Sheldon: Yet you wound up in traffic court.

[dragon_hunter]

Penny: So what do you say Sheldon, are we your X-men?

Sheldon: No, the X-men were named for the X in Charles Xavier. Since I am Sheldon Cooper, you will be, my C-men.

[dragon_hunter]

Sheldon: At my age do you know how I'm statistically most likely to die?

Leonard: At the hands of your room mate?

Sheldon: An accident.

Leonard: That's how I'm going to make it look.

[dragon_hunter]

Sheldon: This is the temperature you agreed to in the roommate agreement.

Leonard: Aw, screw the roommate agreement!

Sheldon: No, you don't screw the roommate agreement. The roommate agreement screws you.

[dragon_hunter]

Rajesh: Why so glum, chum?

Sheldon: Apparently you can't hack into a government supercomputer and then try to buy uranium without the Department of Homeland Security tattling to your mother.

[dragon_hunter]

Sheldon: I believe I would like to alter the paradigm of our relationship.

Amy: I'm listening.

Sheldon: With the understanding that nothing changes what so ever - physical or otherwise, I would not object to us no longer characterizing you as not my girlfriend.

Amy: Interesting, now try it without the quadruple negative.

[dragon_hunter]

Sheldon: Is my hamburger medium-well?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Dill slices not sweet?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Individual relish packets?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Onion rings?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Extra-breading?
Leonard: I asked.
Sheldon: What did they say?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Did you protest?
Leonard: Yes.
Sheldon: Vociferously?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: Well, then what took you so long?

[Hal-9000]

the man is a legend