Time to be Offensive.....again!

**The Monk** · 10-14-2011, 10:38 AM

I don’t understand lesbians who use strap-on dildos.
I mean, if you want to feel a dick in your vagina, that means you’re straight, you silly bitch.

**The Monk** · 10-14-2011, 10:40 AM

So I guess Steve jobs should have invested more into medical research...

**The Monk** · 10-14-2011, 10:41 AM

Experts tell us that the best way to make a perfect cup of tea is to agitate the bag. So, every morning I shout "Two sugars, fat arse!"

**The Monk** · 10-14-2011, 10:41 AM

My virgin mate just pulled a girl while we were on holiday in Thailand. He said, "We're off back to the hotel room if you know what I mean - any advice?" I said "Yeah, make sure she wears a condom".

**The Monk** · 10-14-2011, 10:47 AM

Jack and Jill were twins who couldn't find dates to the prom. So Jill asked Jack to go with her. Jack said "No you're my sister. That's gross". Jill said "Come on. Promise me if you can't find another date, you'll take me". So Jack said okay.

Well Jack couldn't find a date so he went with Jill. They were just standing by the punch bowl, and Jill asked Jack to dance. Jack said "No you're my sister. That's gross". Jill said "Come on. It'll be fun". So Jack said okay, and they had a great time.

After the dance, Jill asked Jack to take her to Makeout Hill. Jack said "No you're my sister. That's gross". Jill said "We'll just talk, we don't talk anymore". So Jack said okay.

They were at Makeout Hill talking, when Jill moved to the backseat. Jill said "Come on, Jack, take me". Jack didn't argue. When Jack moved on top of Jill, Jill murmured "You're a lot lighter than dad". Jack said back "I know. Mum told me last night".

**The Monk** · 10-17-2011, 11:26 AM

I cracked her open like the freshness seal on a jar of salsa…
…and found that she was past her expiration date.

**The Monk** · 10-27-2011, 10:48 AM

I have just heard deaths from Turkey earthquake top 500,

If this has any adverse effect on my Christmas dinner I am going to be pissed.

**The Monk** · 10-28-2011, 11:42 AM

In the world of hi-tech gadgetry, I've noticed that more and more people who send text messages and emails have long forgotten the art of capital letters.

For those of you who fall into this category, please take note of the following statement:

"Capitalisation is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse".

Is everybody clear on that?

**The Monk** · 10-28-2011, 11:45 AM

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.

That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

**The Monk** · 10-28-2011, 11:46 AM

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog". The wife grimaces "But I don't like fishing!" "Look! We're going fishing and that's final". "Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"

"Right I'll give you three choices... one: you come fishing with me and the dog... two: you give me a BLOW JOB... three: you take it up the ass!" The wife grimaces again "But I don't want to do any of those things!"

"Wife I've given you three options. You HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have made up your mind!" The wife sits and thinks about it.

Twenty minutes later her husband comes back "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog, BLOW JOB, or UP THE ASS?"

The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "Okay I'll give you a blow job!" "Great!" He says and drops his pants.

The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her husband, "What the fuck!? It tastes absolutely disgusting... it tastes all... shitty!?" "Yep!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either".

**The Monk** · 11-11-2011, 09:29 AM

When I was in the pub I heard a couple of idiots saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman. What a pair of sexist idiots. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

**The Monk** · 11-15-2011, 10:49 AM

Statistically, 9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.

**Softdreamer** · 11-15-2011, 11:52 AM

Say what you will about pedophiles. At least they drive slowly past schools

**The Monk** · 11-26-2011, 10:21 AM

If a tree falls on a woman and no one is around to hear it, what was a tree doing in the kitchen?

**The Monk** · 11-28-2011, 10:55 AM

Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos.

She asks what are they made of.

The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair.

The woman said she could not afford that.

The assistant said says 'Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99.

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