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Thread: Time to be Offensive.....again!

  1. #16
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    "This is the last time I'm going to tell you," I said to my daughter. "You can't have a mobile phone until you're fourteen."


    "That's so unfair!" She screamed. "What am I supposed to use if I think I'm about to be raped?"


    "Don't worry love, I've already thought about that," I replied, handing her a small parcel. "Here's your new camcorder."

  2. #17
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    Who named Trojan condoms?

    The Trojan horse entered through the city gates, broke open and loads of little guys came out and fucked everyone's day up.

    Doesn't fill me with confidence.

  3. #18
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    Just asked my barber for a Justin Bieber haircut.

    Fucking twat just shaved my pubes off

  4. #19
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    My wife left me today, she said it was because nothing she can do or say excites me any more.

    If she had hung around for a bit after speaking those words, she'd have seen how wrong she was.

  5. #20
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    I'm like an internet shepherd, only I herd porn. Hoard. Whatever.

  6. #21
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    Why the fuck did The Flintstones celebrate Christmas?

  7. #22
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    As I walked passed my ex, I gave her one of them horrible looks.


    I threw sulphuric acid over her face.

  8. #23
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    Checking out DFS with the family today. My 10 year old daughter was throwing a tantrum as she usually does when out doing 'boring' shopping with me and the wife. she cheered up instantly when I let her bounce up and down on one of the double beds in the store.

    "She's always been good in the bedroom department," my wife said.

    I calmly excused myself and hurried off to the toilet for a furious wank.

  9. #24
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    Do Parkinson's sufferers stop shaking when they're cold?

  10. #25
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    I rang up my little niece last week to see how she was doing: "So, what you been upto with yourself? Keeping busy?" I asked.

    "Just school and Brownies, Uncle Barry. You got much on?" She replied

    "Well, now that you ask, I'm wearing a crotchless catsuit and nursing a stinking hard-on, which I wouldn't mind ramming up your box."

  11. #26
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    I was telling my wife earlier that I have an exciting new business idea, and we should get to work on it the next day.

    "You know how ridiculous this sounds?! You're going to get up at 7am each morning and do a hard days work for the foreseeable future?" she quizzed.

    "Of course" I replied.

    She started to laugh in my face and quipped, "That will never work!".

    "And why not?" I asked.

    "You're black".

  12. #27
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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  13. #28
    Shelter Dweller Dr Death's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by The Monk View Post
    LMMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!! I going to hell!!!!!


    Awesome sig by fricnjay!!!

  14. #29
    Basement Dweller Foxdana's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dr Death View Post
    LMMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!! I going to hell!!!!!
    Thanks for saying that first! I did too!

  15. #30
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Dr Death View Post
    LMMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!! I going to hell!!!!!
    Quote Originally Posted by Foxdana View Post
    Thanks for saying that first! I did too!

    You're both sick.......I like that...

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