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Thread: Time to be Offensive.....again!

  1. #286
    21-Jazz hands salute Muddy's Avatar
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  2. #287
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    A guy gets a call from the police telling him that his house was robbed. The offenders had also consumed all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says "I just can't believe they fucked my wife after only five beers".

  3. #288
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    Apparently, I suffer from xenophobia... bet I caught it off some fucking foreigner.

  4. #289
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    The other day at a party, my wife asked me to do my Michael Jackson impression for her guests. However, I think there was some confusion about what the impression was meant to be. She put on 'Billie Jean' and waited for me to dance, but I took her nephew to the bedroom and raped him.

  5. #290
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    A newly-wed couple wake up on the first morning of their honeymoon in the Caribbean and decide to take a stroll down the beach. On their way they pass a shanty house, and sitting on the front porch is an overweight woman, stark naked, legs akimbo, eating a slice of watermelon.

    The husband sees this and liking the idea of his new wife exhibiting her body in public asks her whether she would do the same. The wife looks at him in disgust and refuses.

    The second morning they pass the shanty house again and, sure enough, the overweight woman is sitting on the porch stark naked, legs akimbo, eating another slice of watermelon. Not being put off by his new wife's refusal, the husband enquires of his wife "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?"

    The wife again refuses.

    This continues each morning for two weeks until it is the last day of the honeymoon. Each morning they would pass by the woman, each morning the husband would try to persuade his new wife to copy her, and each morning the wife would refuse. However, it being the last morning the husband gives it one more try and enquires of his wife "Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?"

    The wife finally gives in, opens the gate of the shanty house and walks up to the overweight woman on the front porch. "What does it feel like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?" she asks, hesitantly.

    "I don't rightly know, replies the woman "but it sure keeps the flies off of my watermelon".

  6. #291
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover "Please do me a favour. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?"

    His roommate lubes up his finger and shoves it up Bruce's ass feeling all around. Finally he says "I don't feel anything".

    Bruce says "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out".

    So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.

    He says "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass".

    Bruce starts singing "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you"...

  7. #292
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    This fella got married and went on honeymoon to a posh hotel. As the couple had a lot of luggage, the doorman helped them in with it. He found it strange that most of them items were fishing rods, tackle and all sorts of stuff you need for fishing expeditions.

    At 8am the next morning, the newly-wed man was heading out the door laden down with fishing gear, now the doorman was curious so he asked him why he was heading out so early to go fishing while on honeymoon. The man replied "Well it's a little sad, my wife has gonorrhoea so I can't fuck her". "Oh, I see" says the doorman as the man goes off to fish.

    Next morning at 7am the fella is heading out, again obviously going fishing.

    The doorman stops him and says to him "Excuse me sir, I hope you don't mind me saying, it IS your honeymoon, why aren't upstairs at least kissing and cuddling your new bride?" "Very sad" replied the newly-wed "can't kiss her, she's got pyorrhea". "Oh fair enough" says the perplexed doorman, as the guest goes out the door, fishing tackle and all.

    The following morning at 6am, the by now normal routine happens, the doorman stops the guy again and says "Listen sir, I've been thinking about your problem and I like to suggest a solution." "Okay, go ahead" says his guest. "Well" says the doorman, why don't you, ya know, take her from behind?" "Very sad" says the fella "can't do that, she's got diarrhoea".

    "Fuck me" says the exasperated doorman "she's got GONORRHOEA so you can't fuck her, PYORRHEA so you can't kiss her and DIARRHOEA so you can't even take her from behind! Why DID you marry this woman?" "Well, says the hotel guest, as he adjusted his fishing rod "she's a great source for worms!"

  8. #293
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    "Hello, Men's Helpline - what's the problem mate?" "I'm on holiday in Australia with my girlfriend and she's been stung on the minge by a hornet... now her fanny has completely closed up!!" "Bummer mate" "Great idea!! Thanks mate!!"

  9. #294
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun. He shouts "This is a raid! Everyone get on the floor!!" and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.

    As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts "DID ANYBODY ELSE HERE SEE MY FACE?"

    The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also. "DID ANYBODY ELSE SEE MY FACE?" he shouts again, waving his gun around.

    There is silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner... "I think my wife caught a glimpse..."

  10. #295
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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  11. #296
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    I was watching a movie with my son last night when a sex scene came on.

    "Alright Mathew, it's about time you went to bed," I said.

    "But Dad, I'm 18," he protested.

    "I don't care," I said. "You're not watching me wank."

  12. #297
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    I'll always remember my first shag.

    14 years old and scared as hell.

    Mind you, I was 26.

  13. #298
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    For me, having sex is a lot like spreading butter on toast.

    It's possible with a credit card, but so much easier with a knife.

  14. #299
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    "If you'd had a tin of shoe polish, you could have blackened her up and got away with it," I said to Oscar Pistorius, laughing.

    Then I realised that was in bad taste. Why would he have a tin of shoe polish?


    ....


    South African police have installed state of the art technology outside the bail address of Oscar Pistorius to ensure he doesn't leave.

    A cattle grid.

  15. #300
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    I fitted strobe lights in the bedroom. They're brilliant. It makes the wife look like she's actually moving during sex...

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