Time to be Offensive.....again!

[The Monk]

I was watching my next door neighbour's wife sunbathing topless from my bedroom window. As I was jerking off, I turned to notice my wife just standing there, arms folded... watching me. Do you think she's a pervert?

[The Monk]

"Excuse me" I said to the woman sat in front of me on the bus "You have some semen on the back of your jacket". "I'm sure it's not semen" she said "It's probably yoghurt". "It's definitely semen" I said "I don't ejaculate yoghurt".

[The Monk]

The missus decided to wear a burka for a week just to see what the reaction would be. The first morning she was sworn at, punched on the nose, kicked up the fundamental and received death threats. Fuck knows what's going to happen when she leaves the house.

[The Monk]

My ex-wife could manipulate the muscles of her vagina so it felt like you were getting a blow job. Pretty funny when you think about it because when she manipulated the muscles of her mouth she sounded like a cunt.

[Griffin]

My ex-wife could manipulate the muscles of her vagina so it felt like you were getting a blow job. Pretty funny when you think about it because when she manipulated the muscles of her mouth she sounded like a cunt.

[Softdreamer]

Say what you will about Thatcher, she is efficient.

She's only been in hell a month and she has closed down half the furnaces!

[The Monk]

How can you tell that your girlfriend is getting fat?

She fits into your wife's clothes.

[The Monk]

[The Monk]

[The Monk]

Have you ever opened your wallet and wondered if your dollar bills have ever been in a stripper's butt crack?

[The Monk]

I've been teaching my dog to jump through burning hoops. I'm up to my 12th dog.

[The Monk]

A man notices his thirteen-year-old son has been walking around for a week with a hard-on in his pants, and figures the boy needs some relief. He gives the kid twenty dollars and says "Take this to the whorehouse at the other end of town, and have some fun".

Well, the whorehouse is a good hour walk each way, but the boy returns in only 45 minutes.

The father says "Where were you?"

"Well" says the boy "When I walked by Grandma's house she asked where I was going and I told her. She said 'Why don't you just come in here instead, and I'll do you for free'. So that's what I did".

The father, outraged, screams "Are you telling me you fucked MY MOTHER?"

"What's the big deal?" says the boy "You fuck mine!"

[The Monk]

"It's about time I told you an important thing," I said to my 15 year old son.

"What is it dad?" He asked.

"You were adopted," I murmured.

"That's impossible!" He exclaimed, "We look the same."

"Well," I replied, "That's because we are fucking Chinese."

[The Monk]

I was having sex with my wife last night when she suddenly yelled, "Dave! Get your cock out of my arse!"

"Just relax." I said, "You might like it."

"Relax?" she screamed, "What the fuck is Dave doing here?"

[Muddy]

This guy "Dave Arnette" or something like that is funny as hell.

Dave Attell