Time to be Offensive.....again!

[RBP]

What did Cinderella say when she got to the ball?


WARGGGARAABABRHAGHAAGEGGAGBLARGHAG

[Hikari Kisugi]

Hilarious

[Griffin]

[The Monk]

Woman goes to the Doctors and says "I'm getting too much discharge". Irish Doctor says "Pop your knickers off and slip onto the bed". He puts on his Latex gloves and applies 3 fingers into her vagina. "How does that feel?" he asks. "Fucking lovely" she replies "But the discharge is in my ear!"

[The Monk]

Mrs Murphy and Mrs Cohen had been long-time close friends. But, being old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own respective religion.

It was not long before Mrs Murphy felt lonesome for Mrs Cohen, so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend. When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs, and kisses.

Mrs Murphy said "Don't be holdin' back, Mrs Cohen, how do you like it here?" Mrs Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the caretakers.

Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said "But the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend". Mrs Murphy said "Now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all about it". Mrs Cohen said "After lunch, we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and then we sing Jewish songs". Mrs Murphy said "For sure it's a blessing. I'm so glad for you, Mrs Cohen".

Mrs Cohen said "And how is it with you, Mrs Murphy?" Mrs Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she also had a boyfriend. Mrs Cohen said "Good for you! So what do you do?" Mrs Murphy said "We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me down below". Mrs Cohen said "Yes? And then...?" Mrs Murphy said "Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, we fuck".

[HyperV12]

[The Monk]

My friend was talking about playing 'Gay Chicken'. He gave me an example of what it was. His friend was getting a massage by a woman. He then stepped in and gave her the "Hush" signal and started giving his friend a massage. His friend was shocked to see it was his burly hands doing the rubbing making him feel relaxed and aroused at the same time.

I am competitive and do not like to be out done.

One time while I was visiting him at his house, his girlfriend said she needed to talk to him privately in his bedroom. As I was walking past his bedroom door on the way to the restroom, I noticed it was cracked open and I saw him laying on the bed while she was blowing him. I sneak in the room and tap her on the shoulder and give her the "Hush" signal. I started blowing him and then he looked down at me. He was totally in shock. He then called me a "Fag!". I started laughing at him and said " How can I be the fag?! I'm not the one with my dick in another man's mouth!"

[The Monk]

Thursday night, I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose and down my throat, wires monitoring every function and all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a gorgeous nurse hovering over me. It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident. She looked at me deep and steady and I heard her slowly say "You may not feel anything from the waist down". I managed to mumble a reply "Can I feel your tits, then?"

[The Monk]

Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walk, they come across a sign:

BEAUTY CONTEST TO FIND THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN IN THE WORLD

"I'm entering!" said Snow White.

After half an hour she comes out and they ask her "Well, how'd ya do?" "First Place" said a smug Snow White.

They continue walking and they see a sign:

CONTEST TO FIND THE STRONGEST MAN IN THE WORLD

"I'm entering!" says Superman.

After half an hour he returns and they ask him "How did you make out?"" "First Place" answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt it?"

They continue walking when they see a sign:

CONTEST! WHO IS THE GREATEST LIAR IN THE WORLD?

Pinocchio enters. After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes. "What happened?" they asked. "Who the fuck is OSCAR PISTORIOUS?" asked Pinocchio

[Teh One Who Knocks]

[PorkChopSandwiches]

As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection.

"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.

[Hal-9000]

[Hal-9000]

true story, no joke...

years ago I had a lump under my breast....went for imaging and they thought it was serious enough for a specialist (yes, men can develop breast cancer too)

I see the specialist and he says - I need to examine your throat, under your arms and your testicles for lumps as well, this could be part of an endocrine or gland problem...

so it's cold in his office, I have my drawers down and I notice he's not wearing rubber gloves....he starts massaging my junk and horror of all horrors, I start getting a 5 alarm woody

he quips - Oh, I guess I'd better stop that motion, you're having a reaction

I laugh and say - that's not the issue...the real problem is that you look like my supervisor

turns out I had torn a pectoral muscle and it healed...but boy did we have some chuckles in that office

[The Monk]

Two women are hiking in the woods. After an hour or so, they come to a stream. Unable to cross, they decide to walk along the stream and look for a narrower place.

Fortunately they come to an old bridge spanning the stream. Deciding the bridge safe, the two women proceed to cross.

Halfway across, one woman stops and says to the other "I've always wanted to be like the guys, and urinate off a bridge". The other woman looks around and says "Well, I don't see anyone around, now's your chance!"

The first woman drops her hiking shorts and backs over to the side of the bridge. As she begins to urinate, she looks over her shoulder. "Holy shit!" she exclaims "I just pissed in a canoe!"

Alarmed, the second woman hurries over and peeks at the stream. "Calm down" she says. "That wasn't a canoe you pissed in, it was only your reflection".

[The Monk]

When I was a child, I remember lying with my eyes closed waiting for Santa to come. Then there was the awkward silence as he got dressed and left.