Time to be Offensive.....again!

[The Monk]

I met two girls down the pub last night who had strong Cardiff accents.
I said, "I know that accent. You two ladies are from Scotland, aren't you?"
"Wales, you fucking idiot," one of them replied.
"Sorry," I said, "You two whales are from Scotland, aren't you?"

[The Monk]

I was planning on cheating on my wife the other day, but then i realised my daughter tells her mother everything.

[The Monk]

Me and my mate spiked a teenage girl last night and took her back to the house to rape her.
She must have taken a side effect from the drugs because she started vomiting everywhere.

That didn't stop my mate though, he had his cock right down her throat whilst she was throwing up.

I said him "you're fucking sick"!

[The Monk]

For fuck's sake, what a mess to sort out. I can't believe I've mixed their Valentine's Day cards up.

The girlfriend now thinks I love her and the wife thinks I want to fuck her.

[The Monk]

A soldier that has died in Afganistan has been named. He was described as "Everything an aspiring soldier should aim to be".

What, dead?

[The Monk]

If your wife ever slaps you across the face, just remember...

Winning hand over fist is only a saying.

[The Monk]

An African child dies from starvation every three seconds.

On the plus side, that's less money I need to give to Children In Need next year.

[The Monk]

BBC News: Singer George Michael has been arrested in Hampstead, London, on suspicion of being unfit to drive.

Mr Michael was unable to talk to police coherantly when he was pulled over.

He then removed Andrew Ridgeley's cock from his mouth,

[Noilly Pratt]

I chuckled...thanks Monk (although I felt horrible in doing so...)

[Godfather]

Sooooo bad

[The Monk]

I just found a lump between my testicles and, I don't mind admitting, it gave me a real scare.

Luckily, it turned out to be my fat sister who'd fallen asleep sucking me off.

[The Monk]

I had a German plumber in the other day. He accidentally connected the gas supply to the shower. Fuck!! Old habits die hard...

[The Monk]

I made dinner with my kid last night... well what else can you do with a miscarriage!?

[The Monk]

A man and his new bride check into a hotel, looking forward to their honeymoon. After they go upstairs the desk clerks looks up and sees the man walking downstairs with his tackle box and fishing pole. He walks out the door and is gone until nearly midnight.

Before dawn the next morning, once again the desk clerk sees the man walking out the door with his fishing pole and tackle box. He is gone all day and returns really late.

On the third day as the man walks down the stairs with his tackle box and fishing pole, the desk clerk stops him.

"Excuse me sir, but I understand you are on your honeymoon?" he asks. "Yes sir." The man replies. "Well, If my wife looked like that, I'd be upstairs in bed with her..." he says. "I can't, she's got gonorrhoea." the man replies casually.

"Okay, how 'bout a little oral action?" "Nope, she's got herpes." the man says calmly.

Agitated, the desk clerk says "Well, you could take the back door." "Nope, she's got diarrhoea."

Frustrated the desk clerk shouts "Well then what the hell did you marry her for?" The man smiles "She's got worms too... and they make good bait."

[St. George]

My little lad asked me what the difference was between a vagina and a cunt.
I said "your mum's upstairs having a lie down. We'll go up later and I'll show you". We went into the room and I peeled back the duvet and pointed at between her legs. "See son that's a vagina". "Oooh" he said, "can we touch it?"
"No you can't you'll wake the cunt up"