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Thread: My Own Joke Thread - SFW, NSFW & Offensive Content

  1. #766
    Take Box B DemonGeminiX's Avatar
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    The cashier at the liquor store asked to see my ID. As I was fishing it out, my old Blockbuster card fell out onto the counter. The cashier immediately said, "Nevermind, you're good."


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    Music was better when ugly people were allowed to make it.

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  3. #767
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She told me that nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.

    So I gave her nothing.

  4. #768
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    Dubai spent billions on a bunch of man-made islands and they are now sinking.

    I guess all the money in the world can't help erect-isle dysfunction

  5. #769
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    Dated a blind girl once
    Her name was ::. :.. .:. ::: :............

  6. #770
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    I was going into the local shopping centre when a dishevelled beggar jumped in front of me.

    Beggar: "Any change mate?"

    Me: "I don't have any change".

    Beggar "C'mon..."

    Me: I don't have ANY change".

    Beggar: "I can't accept that".

    Me: "Sigh! You can't accept that? jeez...okay okay, will you take a note?"

    Beggar: "Sure... that would be great!" he said with a grin. So I took a piece of paper and a pencil out of my briefcase, wrote "I don't have ANY FUCKING CHANGE!" handed it to the prick, and walked off.

  7. #771
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    A priest has a heart attack, and is rushed to the hospital. He wakes up as he's being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses. "Am I in heaven?" asks the disoriented priest. "No" says one of the nurses. "We're just taking a short cut through the children's ward".

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  9. #772
    Shelter Dweller lost in melb.'s Avatar
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  10. #773
    Take Box B DemonGeminiX's Avatar
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    When I was a kid, my mother told me that I could be anybody I wanted to be. Turns out she was wrong about that. Identity theft is a crime.


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    Music was better when ugly people were allowed to make it.

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  12. #774
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  16. #776
    Take Box B DemonGeminiX's Avatar
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    What does a near-sighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?

    A wet nose.


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    Music was better when ugly people were allowed to make it.

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  18. #777
    Take Box B DemonGeminiX's Avatar
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    What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

    If we don't get some support soon, people are gonna think we're nuts.


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    Music was better when ugly people were allowed to make it.

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  20. #778
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    Why don't vegetarians moan during sex?

    They don't want to admit that a piece of meat can make them happy.


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    Music was better when ugly people were allowed to make it.

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  22. #779
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    To get on the good side of voters, Vladimir Putin goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids.

    He tells them how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.

    At the end of the talk there is a section for questions. Little Sasha puts her hand up and says, "I have two questions. Why did the Russians take Crimea and why are we sending troops to Ukraine?"

    Putin says, "Good questions". But just as he is about to answer, the bell rings, so the kids go off to lunch.

    When they come back, they sit down and there is time for more questions.

    Another girl, Misha, puts her hand up and says "I have four questions. Why did the Russians invade Crimea, why are we sending troops to Ukraine, why did the bell go 20 minutes early and where the **** is Sasha?"

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    A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer meet each week for a game of golf.
    One day, they get stuck behind the slowest group of players they had ever seen. They were hitting the balls all over the place, getting stuck in just about every trap and patch of rough, and missing just about every putt.

    Finally, the group gets frustrated and heads to the clubhouse to find the manager.

    "What's with that group of players? They're the worst I've ever seen! They're holding up the course!"

    The manger looks sheepish. "They're retired firefighters, they lost their eyesight running into a burning orphanage to save the children. They love golf, so I let them play for free for charity."

    The priest looks ashamed of himself. "As a man of God, I feel terrible for getting angry at those men. At my next sermon, I'll see if I can get a collection going for their families."

    The lawyer likewise looks chagrined. "Same here, I'll check with my firm and see if we can't open a case to get them awarded restitution for their pain and injuries."

    The engineer says, "why can't they play at night?"

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