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Thread: My Own Joke Thread - SFW, NSFW & Offensive Content

  1. #691
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    I bought a porn DVD today and all I could see was a dark image of some fat bastard sitting there holding his cock...

    Then I realised the telly wasn't on!

  2. #692
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    My mates shagging twins who both like it up the arse. I asked how he tells them apart? "That's easy" he said. "Sally's got massive tits and a nice shaved pussy. Derek has a moustache and big hairy bollocks".

  3. #693
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    I gave my misses an orgasm, but the ungrateful bitch spat it out.

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  5. #694
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    Why is the winner of the Miss Universe contest always from earth?

  6. #695
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    A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.

  7. #696
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    A woman is in a coma, and the nurse tending to her notices that whenever she is sponge bathing the woman, the woman's vital signs jump a little on all of the machines an screens. So the nurse calls the husband and says "Please come down to the hospital. I think I know how to get your wife out of this coma!" so the husband hurries down, and asks the nurse what he can do. The nurse says "I think that oral sex will bring her out of her coma - it will arouse her enough to bring her out of the coma". So the nurse closes the curtains, and leaves the husband with his wife in the room. Moments later, the man comes running out of the room, flustered. The nurse, worried, asks him what happened. The husband says "I don't know... I think she started choking".

  8. #697
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    I was standing at the bar one night minding my own business. This FAT ugly chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?" I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said, "Yeah, I got a pen". I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you." Cost me 6 stitches but totally worth it.

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  10. #698
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    One day little Johnny gets twenty dollars from his dad for doing some housework. His dad says asks little Johnny "What are you going to do with the money? Little Johnny replied "I'm going to use it for a prostitute" On the way into town he meets grandma who upon finding out what the twenty is for tells him to give her the twenty dollars and they can have sex. He goes home and his dad say's "That was quick!" And Little Johnny says "Oh I just gave the twenty bucks to grandma and we had sex". His dad says "What the fuck? You fucked my mum? Little Johnny replied "Well hell, you fuck my mum why can't I fuck yours?"

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    A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he's half an hour late. The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he's all right.

    "I've got a problem, Boss. I'm stuck 'ere. I've hit a pig!" "Ah well, these things happen sometimes" the boss says. "Just drag the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark".

    "But he's not dead, boss. He's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing, and he's real big boss. I'm afraid he's gonna hurt me!" "Never mind" says the boss. "There's a .303 under the tarp in the back. Get that out and shoot him. Then drag the carcass off the road and come on home". "Okay, boss".

    Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a peep from the young fella. The boss gets back on the CB.

    "What's the problem, son?" "Well, I did what you said boss, but I'm still stuck". "What's up? Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?" "Yeah boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the truck".

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    I went into the florists yesterday and said "I would like a nice bunch of flowers for my lovely wife please". The Florist replied "Certainly, are you after anything in particular"? "Hopefully a fuck" I replied.

  14. #701
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    A catholic girl goes into confession, and tells the priest "Father, I am pregnant". "How did this happen my child?" He asks her. "Father, I think it's the second coming". she says. Rather taken aback by her explanation, he asks her "Now why would you think it's the second coming?" To which she answers "Because I swallowed the first one".

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  16. #702
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    I was in the park with my dog and I said to this guy "Which way are you going to vote?" "Democrat" he replied. With that my dog bit him. I carried on and I saw a woman "Which way are you going vote?" I asked. "Democrat" she said. My dog bit her as well. As I carried on, I met another man "Which way are you going vote?" I asked. "Republican" he said. With that my dog bit him. My dog doesn't give a crap about politics.

  17. #703
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    A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously. "Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?" The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained. "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture". "Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay" said the woman. As they passed by the next room, they saw a male patient lying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him. Again, the woman screamed "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?" Again, the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan!"

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