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Thread: My Own Joke Thread - SFW, NSFW & Offensive Content

  1. #661
    OMWTFYB RBP's Avatar
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    A small business was going through some hard times. The manager had a tough decision to make: One of the two new-hires will have to go. It's either Jack or Jill. As he passes Jill in the hallway, he runs it by her. "I need to lay you or Jack off." She says, "Jack off ! I'm on my break."
    The only "B" word a woman should be called is beautiful.
    Bitches LOVE being called beautiful.

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  3. #662
    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    The other day I went to the ATM and this old woman asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

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    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.

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  7. #664
    aka TheInvisibleMan Griffin's Avatar
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    If someone with a toe fetish cheats on their partner,
    ... would you say they got off on the wrong foot?
    I would rather own little & see the world, than own the world and see little of it

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  9. #665
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    The worst pub I've ever been to was called The Fiddle. It really was a vile inn.

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  11. #666
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    Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque.. They've told the public not to panic as they've managed to push it inside...

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    Dora the Explorer has got a little Muslim friend called Doda The Exploder.

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    I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realised I desperately needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my gas with the beat of the music. After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee, and noticed that everybody was staring at me... then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

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    I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts "That's just for starters!"

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    I walked in on my daughter masturbating this morning. She is still too young to understand what I was doing, though.

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    Nelson Mandela is relaxing at his farm when a Japanese man knocks on his door with a truckload of tyres. Thrusting a clipboard in front of Mandela, he said, "You sign."

    "They are not for me, I have already retired," Mandela said.

    The man went away unhappy.

    Next day, he returned with a truck full of exhaust pipes and again said to Mandela, "You sign."

    "I am getting exhausted with all this nonsense," Mandela said. "Go away. They are for somebody else."

    The man was decidedly peeved, but next day he returned with a truckload of brake pads.

    Nelson Mandela yelled, "Give me a break, you have got me confused with somebody else."

    The Japanese man looked at his invoice and asked, "You are not Nissan Main Dealer?"

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  21. #672
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    Kiss is merely shopping upstairs,
    For merchandise downstairs.

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    A drunk is sitting on the street curb in front of a bar. A stranger comes buy and asks if he's okay. The drunk replies by asking "Do you know who I am?" The stranger says "No. Who are you?" The drunk proudly says "I'm Jesus Christ... and I can prove it! Come with me!" They enter the bar and the bartender looks up and yells "Jesus Christ! Are you here again?"

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    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped in his New York neighborhood barbershop to say hello to his friends.
    Giovanni said, "Hey, Luigi. How was'a da treep?"
    Luigi said, "Ever'thing was'a perfect except for da train'a ride down."
    "What'a you mean, Luigi?" asked Giovanni.
    "Well, we board'a da train at Grand Central'a Station. My beautiful'a Virginia had packed a big'a basket a food with vino and cigars for'a me, and'a we were looking 'aforward to da trip. All was OK until we got'a hungry and opened up'a da lunch'a basket.
    "The conductor came by, wagged his'a finger at us and'a say, 'No eat in dese'a car. Must'a use'a dining car.'
    "So, me and my beautiful'a Virginia, we go to dining car, eat a big'a lunch and begin to open'a bottle of vino.
    Conductor come again, wag his'a finger and say, 'No drink'a in dese'a car. Must'a use'a club'a car.'
    "So we go to club'a car. While'a drinking vino, I start to light'a my big'a cigar.
    The conductor, he wag'a his finger again and say, 'No smoke'a in dese'a car. Must'a go to smoker car.'
    "We go to smoker car and I smoke'a my cigar.
    Later, my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to sleeper car and'a go to bed.
    And then here come’a the conductor, he come'a through the car yelling, 'NO-FOLK'A, VIRGINIA!'"

  25. #675
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    At New York's Kennedy airport this week, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule and a calculator.

    The man is believed to be a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He has been charged with carrying weapons of math instruction.

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