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    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    Amusing My Own Joke Thread - SFW, NSFW & Offensive Content

    I've written a book about sexism. It even has pictures, so women can enjoy it too.

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    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.

    "Nurse" he mumbles, from behind the mask "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body".

    He struggles to ask again "Nurse, are my TEST...ICLES... black?"

    Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around and around gently.

    Then, she takes a close look and says "No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong with them, sir!"

    The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly "Thank you very much.
    That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely...

    "A r e - m y - T E S T - R E S U L T S - b a c k?"

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    Shelter Dweller The Monk's Avatar
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    Little Dennis came home from his school one day slightly confused. His Mother was Jewish and his father was an Aboriginal. So Dennis asks "Mommy, am I more Jewish or more Aboriginal?" "What does it really matter? If you want to know for sure you'll just have to ask your father" his mother tells him.

    So, when his father arrived home, Little Dennis asks the same question "Daddy, am I more Jewish or more Aboriginal?" "What the hell kind of a question is that? Why do you want to know if you're more Jewish or more Aboriginal?" asks his dad.

    "Well, it's like this dad. Tommy down the street wants to sell his bicycle for $50, and I don't know whether to Jew him down to $25, or wait until it's dark and steal the fucking thing".

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    Hal killed Tormund! Pony's Avatar
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    A young Indian brave comes into the teepee and sits beside his father with a puzzled look on his face.

    Father - Son, what's wrong?
    Son - I was wondering how we get our names.
    Father - The moment an Indian is born, the parents go outside and name the baby after the first thing they see. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Fucking?

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    "I'm running for President" announces Hillary Clinton. In other news, researchers discover that bears shit in the woods and the Pope reveals he's a Roman Catholic.

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    My wife's doctor told us today that she is very prone to having a stroke, and if it happens she could be dead in the time it takes to boil a kettle.

    Why the fuck would I want to boil the kettle at a time like that?

    I would be searching for the cork screw.

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    I quit my job with the Tourette's Society today.

    I think I'd been working far too long with those cunts.

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    Welcome to the BBC.

    You are welcome to rape all the children you like but don't ever punch a producer.

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    150 people died on a Germanwings flight because some selfish little cunt wouldn't open a door.

    If only Oscar Pistorius had been on board.

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    Nothing embarrasses a psychic more than throwing them a surprise party.

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    BBC News: Dogs Trained to Detect Prostate Cancer.

    I just hope they trim their claws before they stick their paw up my arse.

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    A group of men working on a building site were whistling and making rude gestures to a pretty young school girl, who couldn't have been older than about 13. One guy, smirking, yells "Hey sweetie, come and sit on my face!" The girl, smiling sweetly, yelled back "Why? Is your fucking nose bigger than your cock!"

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