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Thread: My Own Joke Thread - SFW, NSFW & Offensive Content

  1. #646
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    My next door neighbour caught me using his broadband.

    "It's your own fault," I said. "You should have a password on it."

    "Never mind that," he shouted. "Get the fuck out of my house!"

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  3. #647
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    I broke down on the moors on a stormy night.

    I braved the storm to reach a farmhouse, to seek refuge for the night.

    When I asked the farmer if he could accommodate me, he said, "I only have four bedrooms, I use one and the other three are occupied by my three gay sons. You will have to share!"

    I thought, "Shit, I'm in the wrong fucking joke".

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  5. #648
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    On Halloween I shouted through to the wife.

    "Honey there's a witch at the door what shall I do?"

    She replied, "Just give her some sweets and tell her to fuck off."

    My mother-in-law hasn't spoken to me since.

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  7. #649
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    The other day I found an Action Man doll on my doorstep. That was followed the next day by a model car.

    This morning there was a Barbie.

    I think someone’s toying with me.

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  9. #650
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    At the church meeting, the preacher announced, "Anyone with a special concern or problem who wants to be prayed over, please come forward." Billy Bob got in line, and when it was his turn, the preacher asked, "Billy Bob, what is your need that you want me to pray about?”

    Billy Bob replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand on Billy Bob’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Billy Bob’s head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a blue streak for Billy Bob and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.

    After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Billy Bob, how is your hearing now?"

    Billy Bob answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week.”

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  11. #651
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    A blonde gets to fly in an airplane for the first time. She has never been on an airplane anywhere and was very excited and tense. As soon as she boarded the plane, a Boeing 747, she started jumping in excitement, running over seat to seat and starts shouting, "BOEING! BOEING!! BOEING!!! BO....." She sort of forgets where she is, even the pilot in the cock-pit hears the noise. Annoyed by the goings on, the Pilot comes out and shouts "Be silent!" There was pin-drop silence everywhere and everybody is looking at the blonde and the angry Pilot. She stared at the pilot in silence for a moment, concentrated really hard, and all of a sudden started shouting, "OEING! OEING! OEING! OE...."

  12. #652
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    Last night I got thrown out of the casino.
    I completely misunderstood the crap table.

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    A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

    The librarian said: "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

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    Did you hear William Shatner once proposed to Stevie Nicks?

    She declined because she didn't want to change her name to Stevie Shatner-Nicks

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    The barman says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.”

    A time traveller walks into a bar.

  16. #656
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  17. #657
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    The Lone Ranger and Tonto are riding across the prairie when Tonto gets down from his horse and puts his ear to the ground. He looks at the Lone Ranger and says "Buffalo come." The Lone Ranger looks at him and says, "Wow, that's amazing! How did you figure that out?"

    Tonto looks at the Lone Ranger and says, "Ear sticky!"

  18. #658
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    A German is driving his car in Britain. A British cop pulls him over to the side of the road. Cop: "Sir, do you realize that there are two poisonous snakes on your windshield?" The German: "Off course! Zey are my vinscreen vipers!"

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